You must think I can't see them.
Sometimes, late at night when you sleep, your red hair spread so messily against the pillow, I'll sit up on one elbow and just watch you, dancing upon your thin, lithe, scarred body with my moon grey eyes. I'll reach out and, ever so lightly, trace the lines decorating you with the tips of my fingers. On your arms, on your shoulders, on your chest…
On your wrists…
You're affectionate, but always loathe to hold my face with your right hand, for therein lies the memory of when O'Connor told a seven-year-old Robbie that he was going to sever the boy's head, heart, and life lines. It stands there to this day, a pale, slightly raised line, clean and horrible.
I never talk with you about your scars, because I know how hard it is for you to just get up some mornings. Get up and face who you are, who you were, who you could become. But you always end up in the kitchen, standing in the doorway, watching me with those beautiful sea-green eyes that have just the right tint of cerulean blue in them.
Sometimes you're right cheerful, smiling that goofy smile that I absolutely love as you lean down to give me my morning kiss; when you're happy like this, I can't help but feel like I've stolen a ray of sunshine from the ocean, a droplet of aquamarine sun water.
And sometimes, when you enter the kitchen, you have the saddest look on your face, like you wish you were dead. And occasionally, I know you're thinking that.
When I go to you, you'll stare at me for a few moments, drinking me in with your eyes. You'll extend your arms after silent moments and pull me close, holding me as if laden with the fear that I'll disappear if you don't. Like you must anchor yourself to me, keep me in this world…
Nightmares.
I know you suffer from them because I can see you twitch in your sleep at night, face contorting in pain or anger. Your hands clutch and twist at the pillows, muscles everywhere becoming taut. Sometimes, you'll make noises, low, guttural sounds, growls, snarling as your still-closed eyes narrow, canines bared. More often, though, are whimpers, moans of fright or pain. Occasionally you'll talk in your sleep, fevered mutterings and murmurs that, when audible, fill my heart with sorrow for my love. You've screamed a few times, causing me to wake up to an awake, trembling Robbie, desperately clutching me to yourself. And though you never speak of them, never tell me what happened, I know without looking at your face or your eyes why you hold me so tightly.
You'll never talk about your dreams, no matter how much I prod. But I know, I know what they're like. You tell me with your eyes. I'll ask, and when you look over at me to say that you can't remember or that it's not worth mentioning, I'll look into your eyes, and the raw emotion swirling in them is more than enough.
I'll change the subject then, knowing that it's pointless to take the matter any further, and hand you your medication. I'll watch carefully as you down the pills, and wait until after you start your breakfast to initiate a conversation.
You're afraid…
Today's Christmas, and the seventh day of Chanukah as well; and so, we make our way to my little sister's house to celebrate with the family. You're cheery despite last night's dreams, greeting the Simpson family with that accented laugh and that boyish grin and those beautiful eyes sparkling with joy, as if everything is well in the world. You give hugs, shake hands, ruffle Bart's hair – all with your left hand – but I see through it all. I love you, after all, and with that love comes the ability to see through any mask or façade you may present to the world, no matter how complex or difficult.
However, you manage to surprise later on in the day when you trap me with a sweet, deep kiss in a mistletoe-laden doorframe, threading your fingers with mine. My mind sighs; your kisses are always so beautiful, so saccharine; and with each one, you promise me, over and over, of your true, never-ending love.
I smile against your lips. Maybe someday you'll be able to talk about your life, your nightmares, your scars; but I push all that out of my mind for the moment, because all that matters now, and will ever matter, is that you're mine. Mine.
Forever love…
Mou hitori de arukenai
Toki no kaze ga tsuyosugite
Ah kizutsuku koto nante
Nareta hazu dakedo ima wa...
(I can no longer walk alone)
(The winds of time are too strong)
(Ah, I should have gotten used)
(To hurting, but now…)
Ah kono mama dakishimete
Nureta mama no kokoro wo
Kawari tsuzukeru kono toki ni
Kawaranai ai ga arunara
(Ah, please hold)
(My weeping heart)
(In this time when everything keeps changing)
(If we have our unchanging love)
Will you hold my heart?
Namida uketomete
Mou kowaresouna all my heart
(Will you hold my heart?)
(Please catch my tears)
(It seems as if it will break, all my heart)
Forever love forever dream
Afureru omoi dake ga
Hageshiku setsunaku jikan wo ume tsukusu
Oh tell me why
(Forever love, forever dream)
(Only my overflowing memories)
(Passionately, painfully fill the time)
(Oh, tell me why)
All I see is blue in my heart
Will you stay with me?
Kaze ga sugi saru made
Mata afure dasu all my tears
(All I see is blue in my heart)
(Will you stay with me?)
(Until the wind passes away)
(Once again they overflow, all my tears)
Forever love forever dream
Kono mama sobaniite
Yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
Oh stay with me
(Forever love, forever dream)
(Please stay by my side)
(In the dawn, hold my trembling heart)
(Oh, stay with me)
Ah subete ga owarebaii
Owarinonai kono yoru ni
Ah ushinau mono nante
Nanimo nai anata dake
(Ah, if only it would all end)
(In this endless night)
(Ah, there is nothing)
(That I would lost, except you)
Forever love forever dream
Kono mama sobaniite
Yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
(Forever love, forever dream)
(Please stay by my side)
(In the dawn, hold my trembling heart)
Ah will you stay with me?
Kaze ga sugi saru made
Mou dare yori mo sobani
(Ah, will you stay with me?)
(Until the wind passes away)
(More than anyone, I want you with me)
Forever love forever dream
Kore ijou arukenai
Oh tell me why oh tell me true
Oshiete ikiru imi wo
(Forever love, forever dream)
(I can't walk any further than this)
(Oh, tell me why; oh, tell me true)
(Tell me the meaning of life)
Forever love forever dream
Afureru namida no naka
Kagayaku kisetsu ga eien ni kawaru made
Forever love
(Forever love, forever dream)
(In the midst of my overflowing tears)
(Until that shining season becomes eternity)
(Forever love)
-"Forever Love", by X-Japan
Sometimes, late at night when you sleep, your red hair spread so messily against the pillow, I'll sit up on one elbow and just watch you, dancing upon your thin, lithe, scarred body with my moon grey eyes. I'll reach out and, ever so lightly, trace the lines decorating you with the tips of my fingers. On your arms, on your shoulders, on your chest…
On your wrists…
You're affectionate, but always loathe to hold my face with your right hand, for therein lies the memory of when O'Connor told a seven-year-old Robbie that he was going to sever the boy's head, heart, and life lines. It stands there to this day, a pale, slightly raised line, clean and horrible.
I never talk with you about your scars, because I know how hard it is for you to just get up some mornings. Get up and face who you are, who you were, who you could become. But you always end up in the kitchen, standing in the doorway, watching me with those beautiful sea-green eyes that have just the right tint of cerulean blue in them.
Sometimes you're right cheerful, smiling that goofy smile that I absolutely love as you lean down to give me my morning kiss; when you're happy like this, I can't help but feel like I've stolen a ray of sunshine from the ocean, a droplet of aquamarine sun water.
And sometimes, when you enter the kitchen, you have the saddest look on your face, like you wish you were dead. And occasionally, I know you're thinking that.
When I go to you, you'll stare at me for a few moments, drinking me in with your eyes. You'll extend your arms after silent moments and pull me close, holding me as if laden with the fear that I'll disappear if you don't. Like you must anchor yourself to me, keep me in this world…
Nightmares.
I know you suffer from them because I can see you twitch in your sleep at night, face contorting in pain or anger. Your hands clutch and twist at the pillows, muscles everywhere becoming taut. Sometimes, you'll make noises, low, guttural sounds, growls, snarling as your still-closed eyes narrow, canines bared. More often, though, are whimpers, moans of fright or pain. Occasionally you'll talk in your sleep, fevered mutterings and murmurs that, when audible, fill my heart with sorrow for my love. You've screamed a few times, causing me to wake up to an awake, trembling Robbie, desperately clutching me to yourself. And though you never speak of them, never tell me what happened, I know without looking at your face or your eyes why you hold me so tightly.
You'll never talk about your dreams, no matter how much I prod. But I know, I know what they're like. You tell me with your eyes. I'll ask, and when you look over at me to say that you can't remember or that it's not worth mentioning, I'll look into your eyes, and the raw emotion swirling in them is more than enough.
I'll change the subject then, knowing that it's pointless to take the matter any further, and hand you your medication. I'll watch carefully as you down the pills, and wait until after you start your breakfast to initiate a conversation.
You're afraid…
Today's Christmas, and the seventh day of Chanukah as well; and so, we make our way to my little sister's house to celebrate with the family. You're cheery despite last night's dreams, greeting the Simpson family with that accented laugh and that boyish grin and those beautiful eyes sparkling with joy, as if everything is well in the world. You give hugs, shake hands, ruffle Bart's hair – all with your left hand – but I see through it all. I love you, after all, and with that love comes the ability to see through any mask or façade you may present to the world, no matter how complex or difficult.
However, you manage to surprise later on in the day when you trap me with a sweet, deep kiss in a mistletoe-laden doorframe, threading your fingers with mine. My mind sighs; your kisses are always so beautiful, so saccharine; and with each one, you promise me, over and over, of your true, never-ending love.
I smile against your lips. Maybe someday you'll be able to talk about your life, your nightmares, your scars; but I push all that out of my mind for the moment, because all that matters now, and will ever matter, is that you're mine. Mine.
Forever love…
Mou hitori de arukenai
Toki no kaze ga tsuyosugite
Ah kizutsuku koto nante
Nareta hazu dakedo ima wa...
(I can no longer walk alone)
(The winds of time are too strong)
(Ah, I should have gotten used)
(To hurting, but now…)
Ah kono mama dakishimete
Nureta mama no kokoro wo
Kawari tsuzukeru kono toki ni
Kawaranai ai ga arunara
(Ah, please hold)
(My weeping heart)
(In this time when everything keeps changing)
(If we have our unchanging love)
Will you hold my heart?
Namida uketomete
Mou kowaresouna all my heart
(Will you hold my heart?)
(Please catch my tears)
(It seems as if it will break, all my heart)
Forever love forever dream
Afureru omoi dake ga
Hageshiku setsunaku jikan wo ume tsukusu
Oh tell me why
(Forever love, forever dream)
(Only my overflowing memories)
(Passionately, painfully fill the time)
(Oh, tell me why)
All I see is blue in my heart
Will you stay with me?
Kaze ga sugi saru made
Mata afure dasu all my tears
(All I see is blue in my heart)
(Will you stay with me?)
(Until the wind passes away)
(Once again they overflow, all my tears)
Forever love forever dream
Kono mama sobaniite
Yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
Oh stay with me
(Forever love, forever dream)
(Please stay by my side)
(In the dawn, hold my trembling heart)
(Oh, stay with me)
Ah subete ga owarebaii
Owarinonai kono yoru ni
Ah ushinau mono nante
Nanimo nai anata dake
(Ah, if only it would all end)
(In this endless night)
(Ah, there is nothing)
(That I would lost, except you)
Forever love forever dream
Kono mama sobaniite
Yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
(Forever love, forever dream)
(Please stay by my side)
(In the dawn, hold my trembling heart)
Ah will you stay with me?
Kaze ga sugi saru made
Mou dare yori mo sobani
(Ah, will you stay with me?)
(Until the wind passes away)
(More than anyone, I want you with me)
Forever love forever dream
Kore ijou arukenai
Oh tell me why oh tell me true
Oshiete ikiru imi wo
(Forever love, forever dream)
(I can't walk any further than this)
(Oh, tell me why; oh, tell me true)
(Tell me the meaning of life)
Forever love forever dream
Afureru namida no naka
Kagayaku kisetsu ga eien ni kawaru made
Forever love
(Forever love, forever dream)
(In the midst of my overflowing tears)
(Until that shining season becomes eternity)
(Forever love)
-"Forever Love", by X-Japan