************** EPILOUGE****************
The feeling of warmth on my shoulder startles me. I didn't know I could even recognize warmth anymore – I haven't felt it for so long that I started believing it had never existed at all.
I open my eyes and see Alex standing in front of me. He doesn't look all that well either…- well, what was I expecting? That he'll turn up all bright and sunny? That he'll smile from ear to ear?
That's not exactly how someone who has just lost their best friend looks like…
He sits down beside me and look ahead at the desert that Maria loved so much… the desert that's still here even though she's not.
It's not fair. It's not. It shouldn't be here anymore.
Nothing should….
He's still not saying anything but I can see that there's a lot going on in this brainy head of his.
And even more in his heart – if he still has one….
I don't.
It has turned into ice the second Maria's soul left this world….
- Why didn't you tell me, Michael?
The sound of his voice sends a chill down my spine – I can't feel him in it. It's like the real Alex left this world to mourn his best friend away from the other people's stares and only left a shell of his body here on earth.
He turns to look at me and I calm down a little. It's still Whitman in there.
It's still him.
Only Marialess….
I see his lips moving and, not able to hear any sound at all, I take a wild guess that he's repeating his question.
Why didn't I tell HIM?
He deserved to know.
Wasn't he her best friend? More than a brother...? Wasn't he the one who protected her when I wasn't around?
The one who protected her from me?
Wasn't his love for her as great as mine?
Why didn't *I* tell him?
Did I think that it was only me who deserved to say goodbye?
Was I that selfish?
WHY didn't I tell him?
Because she didn't want me to?
Because I was afraid of his reaction?
Because I felt he wasn't strong enough to take news like that?
- Because I didn't want to believe it myself – I say aloud and I know that these words are indeed true. Till the last moments I kept hoping that we'd defeat the danger.
That we'll win.
Maria and I.
I see Alex nod slowly and I know he understands. The lone tear that rolls down his cheek glistens in the starlight and I feel the urge to apologize to him for letting Maria go without giving him the chance to say goodbye. But I don't do it. I can't. I simply can't.
- You should have told me anyway…- he says and all I can do is nod in agreement. He doesn't see it, however, his eyes are still closed in a useless attempt to keep the tears inside.
Crying Alex…
It doesn't sound right.
I wonder if anything ever will.
The silence that comes between us once again is deafening but I don't feel strong enough to break it.
Alex does it for me…
-She's waiting...- he says neither to me nor to himself…
I nod once again and we both get up and start heading for the car.
*****************************************************
Minutes later we arrive at my house. I don't have to look around to know Maria's not there anymore.
I would feel her if she was… and I don't feel anything anymore.
Will I ever be able to?
I climb up the stairs and head for the bedroom leaving Alex alone in the hall. I don't think I can look in his eyes once again and not fall apart from the guilt I feel.
I open the door and the first thing I see is Liz sitting on my bed holding a small bundle in her arms. She notices me and gets up. Before I can react something soft and warm is placed in my arms and the door behind me is closing.
I'm alone.
I look down at the strangely moving bundle and see the eyes I have already seen before – hazel with bright green spots….
My daughter's eyes.
She smiles at me and I can feel the ice surrounding my heart begins to melt.
I sigh with relief as I realize that I'm not alone after all.
That Maria is still with me.
In my daughter's eyes….
I place a soft kiss on the baby's forehead and in the quietest of whispers I promise her to never leave.
I walk up to the window and look at the starts that are gracing the sky this night. The V-shaped constellation is right above my head casting friendly rays of light at me.
-Look sweetheart – I say to my daughter –your mammy is saying hello…
The feeling of warmth on my shoulder startles me. I didn't know I could even recognize warmth anymore – I haven't felt it for so long that I started believing it had never existed at all.
I open my eyes and see Alex standing in front of me. He doesn't look all that well either…- well, what was I expecting? That he'll turn up all bright and sunny? That he'll smile from ear to ear?
That's not exactly how someone who has just lost their best friend looks like…
He sits down beside me and look ahead at the desert that Maria loved so much… the desert that's still here even though she's not.
It's not fair. It's not. It shouldn't be here anymore.
Nothing should….
He's still not saying anything but I can see that there's a lot going on in this brainy head of his.
And even more in his heart – if he still has one….
I don't.
It has turned into ice the second Maria's soul left this world….
- Why didn't you tell me, Michael?
The sound of his voice sends a chill down my spine – I can't feel him in it. It's like the real Alex left this world to mourn his best friend away from the other people's stares and only left a shell of his body here on earth.
He turns to look at me and I calm down a little. It's still Whitman in there.
It's still him.
Only Marialess….
I see his lips moving and, not able to hear any sound at all, I take a wild guess that he's repeating his question.
Why didn't I tell HIM?
He deserved to know.
Wasn't he her best friend? More than a brother...? Wasn't he the one who protected her when I wasn't around?
The one who protected her from me?
Wasn't his love for her as great as mine?
Why didn't *I* tell him?
Did I think that it was only me who deserved to say goodbye?
Was I that selfish?
WHY didn't I tell him?
Because she didn't want me to?
Because I was afraid of his reaction?
Because I felt he wasn't strong enough to take news like that?
- Because I didn't want to believe it myself – I say aloud and I know that these words are indeed true. Till the last moments I kept hoping that we'd defeat the danger.
That we'll win.
Maria and I.
I see Alex nod slowly and I know he understands. The lone tear that rolls down his cheek glistens in the starlight and I feel the urge to apologize to him for letting Maria go without giving him the chance to say goodbye. But I don't do it. I can't. I simply can't.
- You should have told me anyway…- he says and all I can do is nod in agreement. He doesn't see it, however, his eyes are still closed in a useless attempt to keep the tears inside.
Crying Alex…
It doesn't sound right.
I wonder if anything ever will.
The silence that comes between us once again is deafening but I don't feel strong enough to break it.
Alex does it for me…
-She's waiting...- he says neither to me nor to himself…
I nod once again and we both get up and start heading for the car.
*****************************************************
Minutes later we arrive at my house. I don't have to look around to know Maria's not there anymore.
I would feel her if she was… and I don't feel anything anymore.
Will I ever be able to?
I climb up the stairs and head for the bedroom leaving Alex alone in the hall. I don't think I can look in his eyes once again and not fall apart from the guilt I feel.
I open the door and the first thing I see is Liz sitting on my bed holding a small bundle in her arms. She notices me and gets up. Before I can react something soft and warm is placed in my arms and the door behind me is closing.
I'm alone.
I look down at the strangely moving bundle and see the eyes I have already seen before – hazel with bright green spots….
My daughter's eyes.
She smiles at me and I can feel the ice surrounding my heart begins to melt.
I sigh with relief as I realize that I'm not alone after all.
That Maria is still with me.
In my daughter's eyes….
I place a soft kiss on the baby's forehead and in the quietest of whispers I promise her to never leave.
I walk up to the window and look at the starts that are gracing the sky this night. The V-shaped constellation is right above my head casting friendly rays of light at me.
-Look sweetheart – I say to my daughter –your mammy is saying hello…