Smokey the Antoine bear Survivor.
Ok, this is a very random fic that was requested by my friend Antoine. He sells me games so I felt I had to give him a fic. (Besides, he's too freakin funny not to put in a fic) Anyways. This fic pretty much defines the word "Random" So if you don't like fics that essentially have no plot and whose sole purpose is to make you laugh, don't read. This is as silly as they come.
Warnings: Rated this way because someone is mauled and killed in every chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own the following: Smokey the Bear, Final Fantasy 7 or 8, Survivor, James Cagney, or Pikachu. Don't sue cuz I'z poor.
*Fssshhhhhhhh.......... = The wind blows and all is quiet for a moment*
And the first victim is....
"What in the world are we doing out here Sephiroth?" Cloud demanded. "You know I hate sleeping outdoors. Why in the hell would you take me camping?"
Seph looked around. "I invited a bunch of guys along. We need to look for something!"
Seifer suddenly wandered up. "What? Your brain?"
Sephiroth got cross. "Noooooo! There was a report of some weird creature in the area. I wanted to get together some of my friends and former enemies..." He looks straight to Cloud, "...and try to kill it! Then we would be heroes!"
They stood there and waited a little bit till the whole group had assembled. Seph looked around and made sure everyone was there. The motley crew consisted of Sephiroth, Cloud, Vincent, Seifer, Zell, and James Cagney.
Zell looked around. "Why the hell is James Cagney here?" He demanded. "Wait a sec, isn't James Cagney supposed to be dead?"
Cagney smiled. "Supposed to be, but isn't. It was all a lie! Hehehehehahahah!!!" He laughed maniacally for a second, then calmed down.
Ffssssshhhhh......
Sephiroth broke the moment. "Ok then, are we ready to go then?"
Vincent pulled the Death Penalty from it's holster. "What are we hunting down, exactly?"
Sephiroth looked at them all. "Well, no one knows what kind of beast it is. People have been getting mauled the past few days, but no one knows what did it. Most people say it was a bear."
Cloud began to run around, chasing a butterfly. "Puuurdy!!!" He squealed.
Seifer smacked him over the head. "Pay attention you spiky headed retard or you might wander off and get mauled by this thing."
Cloud looked sad. "Yes sir....."
Seph picked up his stuff. "We move out to deeper woods at once. Everyone stay together. This thing could be really dangerous."
Everyone walked for a while. Cloud began singing and Sephiroth threatened to shove his sword in a very unpleasant place. Cloud began giggling like a retard.
"What the hell's so damn funny?" Sephiroth asked.
Cloud continued giggling. "You said, 'Sword.' Hehehehe...."
Seifer groaned. "Stop being a pervert!" He slapped him again, cutting his hand on one of the blonde spikes. Seifer screamed and looked at his bleeding hand. Vincent looked at the blood and got a dopey look on his face, then passed out.
James Cagney ran in circles, trying to give medical advice that was totally unrelated to the problem. "Someone set a splint! Get some Advil! Keep your legs elevated!"
Sephiroth grabbed Seifers hand and wrapped a bandage around it. "Cloud, how much hair spray do you use?"
"Well.... I wanted to be friendlier to the environment so I cut back to 4 cans this morning." He looked at Seph. "That's a personal best!"
Sephiroth shook his head. "Cripes Cloud, that Mako made you wacko...." Looked up to see everyone staring at him. "What?"
Zell giggled. "Sephs a poet and didn't know it."
Cloud burst into giggles and leaned his head against a tree. When he tried to pull back he cried out, "My hair it caught in the tree!!!!" He pulled hard on the spikes, trying to dislodge them. "My Haiiiiirrrr!!!!"
Vincent, who had finally woke up, saw this and fell on the ground laughing. Seifer, the only one not amused, came over and yanked Clouds head off the tree.
"Well, that was more than dumb...." Sephiroth said while snickering. "But come on guys, we have to get serious. This thing is out here somewhere, and we have to find it."
From the bushes watches a boy in a long trench coat. "So, more who look for the secret. Hehehehe..."
Seifer turned. "I know you're in that bush!" He yelled suddenly.
The boy, hardly phased, Rubbed his hands together. "Well played.......................... Seifer." He said in an evil tone.
''Who the hell are you?" Sephiroth asked.
The boy just looked.
Fffsssshhhhhh...................
Seifer, becoming annoyed, stepped forward. "Well, who are you? And what the hell is that little yellow rat thing on your shoulder?"
The boy looked outraged. "THAT....." He began loudly, then lowered his voice, "...was uncalled for....." He turned and ran off into the woods.
Everyone stared.
Fffssshhhhh......................
"Well, that was random. But wait, that kid will get killed by the monster!" Zell said. "Maybe one of us should warn him!"
Everyone stares at Seifer.
"Why the hell do I have to go???" Seifer asked angrily.
"Cuz no one likes you." Vincent stated plainly.
Seifer, muttering and cursing, walked off into the woods.
"Should he really be going off by himself? Shouldn't someone watch his back?" Zell asked.
Ffsssssshhhhh.....................
Three minutes pass before Seph starts talking, acting as if Zell had never said a thing. "So, how's everybody feeling?"
Cloud tripped and suddenly smashed his head on a boulder. The spikes drove themselves deep in the rock. He screamed like a little girl and picked up the boulder. "Why me, why me, WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME????" He ran in circles for a little while then suddenly fell backwards.
Zell came over and flexed his arms. "Let me handle this!" He focused his power in his fists and smashed open the boulder. "Hehehe, super human!"
Suddenly from the woods a terrible roar is heard.
RRAAAAAGHHHARRAAAHHHHGGGHHHH!!!!!!
PIIIIKAAAAAAPIKAAAAAKKAAAAAA!!!!
Everyone ran into the woods to see Seifer, laying dead in the leaves. Suddenly from no where Squall comes running.
"Oh NO! THEY KILLED SEIFER!" Squall cried out.
"Wait...." Zell said. "Squall, I thought you hated Seifer."
Ffssssshhhhh.........
Squall slowly inches off set as the others stare at Seifer.
"Looks like he's been mauled." Cloud said to Vincent.
Vincent rolled his eyes. "Cloud, that hairspray is eating your brain away." He said with a snort.
"Well, that means the thing is still out here." Sephiroth stated. "Oh well, we just have to be more careful."
James Cagney suddenly shot over and started screaming incoherently. Vincent pulled out a gun and shot him in the ass. Cagney fell, asleep.
Vincent twirls his gun around. "Damn I love tranquilizers. Oh.... is that ...... blood...." Faints again.
Sephiroth picked him up and dragged him back to camp. "This is gonna be a loooong hunt."
Ok, this is a very random fic that was requested by my friend Antoine. He sells me games so I felt I had to give him a fic. (Besides, he's too freakin funny not to put in a fic) Anyways. This fic pretty much defines the word "Random" So if you don't like fics that essentially have no plot and whose sole purpose is to make you laugh, don't read. This is as silly as they come.
Warnings: Rated this way because someone is mauled and killed in every chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own the following: Smokey the Bear, Final Fantasy 7 or 8, Survivor, James Cagney, or Pikachu. Don't sue cuz I'z poor.
*Fssshhhhhhhh.......... = The wind blows and all is quiet for a moment*
And the first victim is....
"What in the world are we doing out here Sephiroth?" Cloud demanded. "You know I hate sleeping outdoors. Why in the hell would you take me camping?"
Seph looked around. "I invited a bunch of guys along. We need to look for something!"
Seifer suddenly wandered up. "What? Your brain?"
Sephiroth got cross. "Noooooo! There was a report of some weird creature in the area. I wanted to get together some of my friends and former enemies..." He looks straight to Cloud, "...and try to kill it! Then we would be heroes!"
They stood there and waited a little bit till the whole group had assembled. Seph looked around and made sure everyone was there. The motley crew consisted of Sephiroth, Cloud, Vincent, Seifer, Zell, and James Cagney.
Zell looked around. "Why the hell is James Cagney here?" He demanded. "Wait a sec, isn't James Cagney supposed to be dead?"
Cagney smiled. "Supposed to be, but isn't. It was all a lie! Hehehehehahahah!!!" He laughed maniacally for a second, then calmed down.
Ffssssshhhhh......
Sephiroth broke the moment. "Ok then, are we ready to go then?"
Vincent pulled the Death Penalty from it's holster. "What are we hunting down, exactly?"
Sephiroth looked at them all. "Well, no one knows what kind of beast it is. People have been getting mauled the past few days, but no one knows what did it. Most people say it was a bear."
Cloud began to run around, chasing a butterfly. "Puuurdy!!!" He squealed.
Seifer smacked him over the head. "Pay attention you spiky headed retard or you might wander off and get mauled by this thing."
Cloud looked sad. "Yes sir....."
Seph picked up his stuff. "We move out to deeper woods at once. Everyone stay together. This thing could be really dangerous."
Everyone walked for a while. Cloud began singing and Sephiroth threatened to shove his sword in a very unpleasant place. Cloud began giggling like a retard.
"What the hell's so damn funny?" Sephiroth asked.
Cloud continued giggling. "You said, 'Sword.' Hehehehe...."
Seifer groaned. "Stop being a pervert!" He slapped him again, cutting his hand on one of the blonde spikes. Seifer screamed and looked at his bleeding hand. Vincent looked at the blood and got a dopey look on his face, then passed out.
James Cagney ran in circles, trying to give medical advice that was totally unrelated to the problem. "Someone set a splint! Get some Advil! Keep your legs elevated!"
Sephiroth grabbed Seifers hand and wrapped a bandage around it. "Cloud, how much hair spray do you use?"
"Well.... I wanted to be friendlier to the environment so I cut back to 4 cans this morning." He looked at Seph. "That's a personal best!"
Sephiroth shook his head. "Cripes Cloud, that Mako made you wacko...." Looked up to see everyone staring at him. "What?"
Zell giggled. "Sephs a poet and didn't know it."
Cloud burst into giggles and leaned his head against a tree. When he tried to pull back he cried out, "My hair it caught in the tree!!!!" He pulled hard on the spikes, trying to dislodge them. "My Haiiiiirrrr!!!!"
Vincent, who had finally woke up, saw this and fell on the ground laughing. Seifer, the only one not amused, came over and yanked Clouds head off the tree.
"Well, that was more than dumb...." Sephiroth said while snickering. "But come on guys, we have to get serious. This thing is out here somewhere, and we have to find it."
From the bushes watches a boy in a long trench coat. "So, more who look for the secret. Hehehehe..."
Seifer turned. "I know you're in that bush!" He yelled suddenly.
The boy, hardly phased, Rubbed his hands together. "Well played.......................... Seifer." He said in an evil tone.
''Who the hell are you?" Sephiroth asked.
The boy just looked.
Fffsssshhhhhh...................
Seifer, becoming annoyed, stepped forward. "Well, who are you? And what the hell is that little yellow rat thing on your shoulder?"
The boy looked outraged. "THAT....." He began loudly, then lowered his voice, "...was uncalled for....." He turned and ran off into the woods.
Everyone stared.
Fffssshhhhh......................
"Well, that was random. But wait, that kid will get killed by the monster!" Zell said. "Maybe one of us should warn him!"
Everyone stares at Seifer.
"Why the hell do I have to go???" Seifer asked angrily.
"Cuz no one likes you." Vincent stated plainly.
Seifer, muttering and cursing, walked off into the woods.
"Should he really be going off by himself? Shouldn't someone watch his back?" Zell asked.
Ffsssssshhhhh.....................
Three minutes pass before Seph starts talking, acting as if Zell had never said a thing. "So, how's everybody feeling?"
Cloud tripped and suddenly smashed his head on a boulder. The spikes drove themselves deep in the rock. He screamed like a little girl and picked up the boulder. "Why me, why me, WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME????" He ran in circles for a little while then suddenly fell backwards.
Zell came over and flexed his arms. "Let me handle this!" He focused his power in his fists and smashed open the boulder. "Hehehe, super human!"
Suddenly from the woods a terrible roar is heard.
RRAAAAAGHHHARRAAAHHHHGGGHHHH!!!!!!
PIIIIKAAAAAAPIKAAAAAKKAAAAAA!!!!
Everyone ran into the woods to see Seifer, laying dead in the leaves. Suddenly from no where Squall comes running.
"Oh NO! THEY KILLED SEIFER!" Squall cried out.
"Wait...." Zell said. "Squall, I thought you hated Seifer."
Ffssssshhhhh.........
Squall slowly inches off set as the others stare at Seifer.
"Looks like he's been mauled." Cloud said to Vincent.
Vincent rolled his eyes. "Cloud, that hairspray is eating your brain away." He said with a snort.
"Well, that means the thing is still out here." Sephiroth stated. "Oh well, we just have to be more careful."
James Cagney suddenly shot over and started screaming incoherently. Vincent pulled out a gun and shot him in the ass. Cagney fell, asleep.
Vincent twirls his gun around. "Damn I love tranquilizers. Oh.... is that ...... blood...." Faints again.
Sephiroth picked him up and dragged him back to camp. "This is gonna be a loooong hunt."