The Paper Bag

The Day of Help

Disclaimer: Wow… writer's block strikes again, and in full force. Not only do I have to rely on Plot-bunnies for story ideas, but I can't even think up a good disclaimer… I own nothing. Does that work? Anyway, visit Skyfire's site, yadda yadda yadda, and NO, I'm not using writer's block as an excuse… really… well, kind of…

Today's Plot Bunny: Gimli writes a letter to a homicidal Orc that likes eating lunch in Bree

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Gimli stuck the end of his pen in his mouth, and then tapped the end against his furry chin. "I should have never signed up for this 'Day of Help' thing…" The Dwarf grumbled.

Legolas looked up from writing a letter to a suicidal Butterfly. "Well, you did, so don't complain about it. It's up to heroes like us to make Middle Earth a better place!"

Gimli stared at his friend for a moment. "Did you have a little too much mead?" The Dwarf ventured.

Legolas frowned at Gimli, and said archly, "You just can't do it. You Dwarves can't do ANYTHING like this… it should be left to Elves, who are better, and can do anything."

Gimli puffed up his chest, and said, loudly, "We'll see about that, Elf!" He dug back into the letter once again.

Legolas was staring strangely at the Dwarf, not because of Gimli's response, but at how easy it had been to trick him. He shrugged and resumed writing.

Gimli got back to the serious matter of writing. He read the letter once again.

"Dear Day of Help Helpers…

My name is Stuum, and I have a problem. No matter how hard I try, I can't keep from killing things. I just have to kill things all that time. To make it worse, my friends all think it's normal and encourage me. I feel good when I kill things… like beavers and rabbits and small villages… but afterwards I always feel sad, like I did something wrong. Yesterday when I was eating lunch in Bree, I had to run around and kill people, and they won't let me in anymore. I like having lunch at Bree, but I understand why they won't let me in.

Please help.

Love, Stuum, Orc of Mordor."

Gimli nodded. He dipped his pen in ink and began writing.

"Dear Stuum, Orc of Mordor,

As you are an Orc and thus the most villainous scum on the universe, it is only natural that you want to kill things. However, you can curb your needs by punching a rock whenever you want to kill something. Rocks don't care as much as other people. Since you can't kill a rock, you won't feel bad, and you'll get out all your homicidal tensions.

Love, Day of Help Helper."

Gimli put the letter in his 'Out' box and sighed, happily. He had done a good job. He moved on to the letter.

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Next Day

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Gimli had received many more letters. He went through the first few with little or no incident, but then got to a very strange one indeed…

"Dear Day of Help helper,

My friends and I are very upset by your recent letter telling a homicidal Orc to punch a rock whenever he has homicidal tensions. As rocks ourselves, we feel this is a personal attack against us. Please tell us why you feel that rocks have no feelings.

Very much aggrieved,

The Green-striped Talking Rock and associates."

Gimli choked in surprise, then managed to get control of himself. He thought about it for a minute, than began writing.

"Dear Green-striped Talking Rock and Associates…

We all know that only the finest rocks are used in buildings. Since I am certain none of you or your associates want to be used in quarries, the Orc punching you will be a large plus. With a large crack in your side, you will become unattractive to builders, and thus, stay in your homeland.

Love, a Day of Help Helper."

Gimli set down the letter, looking pleased with himself. NOW he was pretty glad that he had signed up to be a Day of Help Helper!

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This has been an advertisement by the Day of Help Program: Helping Middle Earth become aware of their problems. Please call 1-800-HELP-ME1 for your free information booklet on how to join the Day of Help program and become a good helper, just like Gimli, son of Gloin, and Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.

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Oboebyrd: Ouch! Okay… visit Skyfire's site at http://www.geocities.com/rabid_plotbunny/

And, if it pleases you, read and review! Ack! I actually said it! I can't believe it… ::Hangs head and sobs:: I gave in… please forgive me… I'm only a fanfiction writer!