"Chandler! I have the best news!" Monica gushed as she ran into the apartment to find Chandler watching TV with his feet up.
Chandler turned around and smiled at her. "What's that, honey?"
"I have a job interview to get my own show on the Food Network," she told him, sitting down next to him. "My own show, Chandler. I would be paid $10,000 per episode as a starting wage. We could buy a house in a year!"
"Wow, that is great," Chandler exclaimed. "How did all of this come about?"
"Well, I was at work, and my boss told me that he had gotten a call from the Food Network because they were looking for ideas for new cooking shows," Monica explained. "He has connections like that because I guess he knows some people at the network. So he recommended me to have an interview, and I have one in four days."
"What do you have to do on the interview?" Chandler wanted to know.
"Well, I guess they're looking for people who are enthusiastic and have original ideas about a cooking show," Monica told him, holding up a sheet of paper. "All the information is on here. See, the interview lasts two hours, and in that amount of time we have an actual verbal interview, and then I have to cook some kind of meal for him. They say the more complicated and original it is the better. So now I only have four days to come up with something."
"Good luck!" Chandler told her, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. "I hope you get the job. But if you don't you won't be upset, will you?"
"Oh, no," said Monica with a little disappointment in her voice. "I mean, they are interviewing about twenty other people…but at least if I make a good impression I'll probably get a raise at work."
"I just hope if you get the job that Joey isn't jealous," Chandler laughed.
"Do you really think that will be an issue?" Monica asked seriously.
"Nah. You know Joey," said Chandler. "You should tell him what's going on and maybe he can give you some tips."
"Yeah, I should," Monica agreed. "But Chandler, these next few days are going to be paradise for you. I'm going to be cooking non-stop, and guess who's going to taste test my recipes?"
"Could it be me?" Chandler asked enthusiastically, laughing.
"Mm-hm!" cried Monica. "Okay, I have to call everybody else. We need plenty of taste testers…oh, and I'd better make a few vegetarian meals for Phoebe. A little tofu exploration, perhaps?" She dashed to the phone and first called Joey and Rachel, then Ross, then Phoebe.
A few hours later Chandler was on his laptop at the kitchen table as Monica dug out her old cookbooks. She was scribbling furiously in the margins of recipes and placing post-it notes on the ones she wanted to come back to, writing down lists of ingredients for her shopping list, and babbling to herself. "Okay, this recipe looks really hard to make, but if I make it they'll be impressed…then again, it doesn't taste simple, and that's not good. Does lemon dessert go with roast beef?"
"Sweetheart, calm down," Chandler told her, not looking up from his computer. "I'm sure you'll find something that'll really wow them. Don't worry about it."
"Chandler, this is my shot at becoming a famous chef," she said. "Can you imagine actually being able to have more than a few extra dollars a month to play around with?"
"Well, actually, I do have a few extra dollars a month to play around with because I budget well," Chandler said matter-of-factly. "In fact-" he pushed a button on his computer- "I have- wow, did I really spend that much money?" He slammed the computer screen shut. "Okay, well, maybe not this month, but next month," he assured Monica before he got up to go to the bedroom, muttering to himself about Monica's high-maintenance.
"Hey Monica," said Phoebe, stepping inside. "I've got a great recipe from my grandmother-"
"Uh-huh, save it," Monica snapped, jotting something down on a piece of paper. A few seconds later she looked up with a smile. "You were saying?"
"Wow, you're really serious about this, aren't you?" Phoebe asked her, impressed. "Look at all of these cookbooks. I didn't even know you owned this many."
"Well, I'm full of surprises today," said Monica. She set down the tablet of paper and pen and began rummaging through the refrigerator. "Oh, we don't have any kabocha squash left? Phoebe, do you think if I gave you some money you could go to the store and buy a few things for me?"
"Well, I kind of had plans tonight," Phoebe said nervously. "I'm going on a date with my personal trainer."
Monica turned around to face Phoebe. "You have a personal trainer?"
"Uh-huh. Geoff. With a G. It's Geoffrey with a G!" Phoebe nodded. "Yeah, I just started this exercise program two weeks ago and it's going great. I feel so much stronger. I could take you out right now!"
"Uh-huh, okay," said Monica, "but you forget that I am freakishly strong."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that," Phoebe replied. "Ah, well, maybe I could take Chandler out right now. Anyway, yeah, back to Geoff. So he's got this really great smile and these really, really green eyes and-"
"Phoebe, you were supposed to try my food tonight," Monica reminded her. "Do you think you could bring Geoff over here?"
"Yeah, I guess I could. He's not too picky about food," said Phoebe. "But remember this, I'm doing a favor for you, so Geoff had better be well received."
"Don't worry." Monica looked at her strangely.
"Okay, I'd better go get ready!" Phoebe clapped the palms of her hands together excitedly and left.
Chandler came back out of the bedroom looking flustered. "Well, I just talked to my financial advisor, and he advised me to quit spending so much money on you," Chandler deadpanned.
"Chandler, now is not the time." Monica gritted her teeth. "In three hours all our friends and Phoebe's new boyfriend Geoff are coming over for dinner and I don't even have the ingredients. Here." She shoved a shopping list into his hands. "Could you get these for me, please, honey?"
Chandler's eyes scanned down the list. "See, this is exactly what I was talking about. A pint of cherries for nearly five dollars? A pint? That's like six cherries!"
"Chandler, they're really good quality. And you get to eat them," said Monica. "Please get them for me. If I get on this show I'll pay you back…in more ways than just money." She raised her eyebrows.
"Oh, you," Chandler said and kissed her forehead. "I'll go get these right away, dear." He folded the shopping list into his pocket and left.
Rachel and Joey entered together, talking about something.
"You would not believe what just happened to us," Joey laughed.
"What?" Monica asked as she emptied flour into a bowl.
"We were at Central Perk," Rachel explained, "and this guy just came over to us and gave me two free tickets to a Bon Jovi concert."
"Really?" Monica smiled. "If Phoebe were here she'd probably say it was cursed. Oh, and did you know she has a new boyfriend?"
"Geoff? Oh yeah, I joined the gym a little over a week ago, if you know what I mean," said Rachel.
"Rach, you already belong to a gym…and a spa," Monica reminded her.
"I know, but when you see Geoff…wow. You'll forget that you're not single, believe me," Rachel told her. "So, what's for dinner?"
"Well, we have- Joey. Joey?" Monica asked, upon seeing Joey rummaging through the refrigerator, popping food into his mouth. "Joey, you're eating my ingredients."
Joey stuck his head over the top of the refrigerator door. "Sorry, Monica, but this stuff is good."
"Yeah, you can eat it tonight." Monica closed the refrigerator door as Joey stepped aside. "If you eat it all then all we'll have is salami sandwiches. But I guess you would like that, wouldn't you?"
"Oh, yeah," Joey assured her.
"Joey likes everything that resembles food," Rachel chimed in.
"Um, I hope you don't mind, but I'd really like to cook alone," Monica told them. "Here, Joey, here's some Moo Shoo Pork from about a week ago. You can have this." She handed him a plate of brown stuff that resembled refried beans.
"Thanks!" Joey exclaimed. He and Rachel left.
Twenty minutes later Chandler arrived home carrying a bag of groceries. "Okay, that's a pint of cherries, a can of whipped cream, graham cracker pie crust, a pint of vanilla ice cream, ground allspice, paprika, frozen green beans, four potatoes, a half pound of shallots, a large turkey breast, a package of baked tofu, two garlic cloves, a small bag of pine nuts, a bottle of balsamic vinegar, two oranges, and a bottle of Valium," he rattled off. "Hey, what's that for?"
"Oh, that's for me the night before I have the interview," Monica explained. "Hey, how much do I owe you?"
"Sixty-eight dollars and seventy-four cents," Chandler told her.
"Really?" asked Monica nervously. "I…I guess I'll have to pay you when I get a raise. Or if I get my own show."
"Or just pay me back with a great dinner," said Chandler.
"Don't worry about that part," Monica replied.
Two hours later, Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Geoff, Rachel, and Joey were crowded around the small kitchen table, talking. Monica was setting plates of food on the counter. She cleared her throat. "Attention, everyone. I have prepared for you tonight a three-course meal. We start with vegetarian French onion soup." She set a small bowl of soup in front of everyone and then set one in her front of her place and sat down to eat.
"Um, Monica, I'd really like to eat this, but I don't have enough room," Phoebe piped up.
Everyone's elbows were touching each other's and no one could move their arms to lift their spoons. Monica sighed. "All right, we have an extra card table somewhere."
Soon everyone was seated at two separate tables. Phoebe, Geoff, Chandler, and Monica were at one and Rachel, Joey, and Ross were at the other.
"Wow, this is really good," said Rachel.
"Yeah, it is," Geoff agreed. "You'll have to give me the recipe."
"Sorry, I can't do that," Monica told him. "It's my own recipe and I might use this meal to try to get my own cooking show, so until I know whether or not I got the job you're not allowed to have it."
"Oh, sorry," Geoff apologized. "Geez, do you think I'm going to steal the job from you or something?"
Monica laughed, "Of course not. I just don't feel comfortable giving it to anyone right now. So, uh, who's ready for the second course?"
"I am!" Joey raised his hand. Everyone else nodded in agreement.
Monica got up again to make another speech. "Your second course is spaghetti with marinara sauce and diced chicken. Oh, and Phoebe gets baked tofu instead of chicken. As a side dish there are green beans and toasted pine nuts marinated with balsamic vinegar." She served everyone again.
"This is amazing," said Ross. "I honestly have never tasted such good spaghetti before."
"Well, it has a secret ingredient." Monica was bursting to tell the secret. She whispered into Rachel's ear, "I put potatoes in the blender and mixed them in with the marinara sauce!"
"That's…interesting," Rachel told her as Monica set Rachel's plate next to hers.
"So, these pine nuts. Are they actually from pine trees?" Geoff wanted to know.
"Actually, yeah, they are," Monica told him. "They're the seeds, but they're edible."
"Oh. I'm allergic to those furry tree things," Geoff informed her.
"Really? So no Christmas tree for you?" asked Phoebe.
"Well, only the fake kind," Geoff said sadly.
"Well, Phoebe, I'll bet you're happy about that," said Chandler. "You don't like people cutting down trees for Christmas."
Phoebe's eyes widened. "You do not have to remind me."
"Sorry," said Chandler. "These green beans are great. Did you make them, honey?"
"I defrosted them," Monica told him. "Yeah, you- you can't really make green beans, sweetheart. You bought them for me, remember?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess I did," said Chandler, "for over sixty dollars."
"Well, the green beans alone weren't sixty-"
"How cute, you guys are fighting," Phoebe said sarcastically, "in front of Geoff."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Monica said. "Let's just all enjoy the food, okay?"
"Yeah, Monica, bad vibes might spoil the taste," Chandler told her. Monica wrinkled her nose at him.
They finished dinner and then Monica served dessert, cherry pie. Everyone seemed to enjoy it.
Monica passed out comment cards which asked the dinner guests to rate the meals from one to ten, ten being the best, and then she collected them. "I hope you'll join me tomorrow night for meal number two!" she told everyone as they left.
She sifted through the cards in her hands and looked at the ratings. "Eight, nine, seven, eight, eight, two? Who wrote this one?" She recognized Chandler's handwriting immediately. "Chandler!" she called, heading toward the bedroom where Chandler had disappeared to. "Why did you give the meal a two?" she demanded as she sat on the bed next to Chandler.
"It lacked in originality and personality," he replied.
"Are you still mad at me over groceries?"
"No, it's not that," Chandler told her, sighing. "Honey, I really want you to get this cooking show. The meal tasted good, but it's something that anyone could make. You really need to challenge people's intellects with the meals. Make them feel out the tastes and get to the root of the ingredients. Spaghetti is not intellectually challenging."
Monica looked stunned. "Are you serious?"
"Yes," said Chandler. "I really am."
"Fine. I'm going to go in that kitchen and I'm going to cook my ass off," Monica said defiantly. "And this time I'll pay for the ingredients myself…somehow."
The next day when everyone was gathered around the two tables (minus Geoff) Monica set plates in front of them. "Tonight's dinner is Creole grilled mirliton ratatouille," she told them.
Everyone stared at her blankly.
"Just eat!" Monica told them, sitting down to her own plate. She nervously took a bite. It didn't taste too bad. In fact, it had an extremely original taste.
"Wow. This is…interesting," Chandler told her, not knowing exactly what to think. "I am definitely intellectually challenged. What are mirlitons, anyway?"
"They're a type of squash," Monica replied. "Very expensive." She laughed. "So you'd better enjoy the meal."
After the meal the comment cards were all positive. "Nine, nine, eight, nine, seven. Chandler! You gave me the seven."
"I know, I know, I know," Chandler groaned.
"You said it was interesting!" Monica nearly screamed. "And intellectually challenging!"
"It was," Chandler replied, "but it just didn't satisfy me. I need something more with my dinner, some comfort food."
"So you want comfort food that is interesting and intellectually challenging," Monica repeated. "Are you looking for a meal or for a wife?"
Chandler groaned. "Mon, do you want to get your own cooking show or not?"
"All right, all right. But if I don't get it we're running up a huge food bill," Monica warned him.
"Eh, our friends can pay us back by making us dinner," he assured her.
"All right, tonight we have grilled vegetable and Camembert pie," Monica announced. "It's rich, it's warm, it's comforting, it's interesting, and it's intellectually challenging." She placed the dishes in front of her guests. "Eat up."
An hour later Chandler was doing the dishes while Monica sifted through her comment cards. "Wow, look at this, Chandler," she said. "Ten, ten, ten, ten, nine. Chandler!"
Chandler turned around from the sink, smiled at her, and shrugged. "Nobody's perfect."
The next morning Monica woke up trembling. Her job interview was today, and she was scared. She gathered all of her ingredients and put them into a bag. After she had gotten dressed she took a taxi to the office building where her interview was to be held. She put her ingredients in the refrigerator as she was instructed to do and then entered a small office labeled "Gary Schmidt."
"Mr. Schmidt?" Monica asked as she came in. "I'm Monica Geller, interviewing for the TV show."
Gary stood up and shook her hand. "Please, sit down," he instructed. She did. "Now, what makes you think you should get your own show?"
"Well, I enjoy cooking, and I know what kind of food people like to eat," Monica began. "I also make new and different recipes that cater to all kinds of people, including vegetarians and health nuts. My food is intellectually challenging and comforting, but it won't make you feel guilty if you eat it."
"That's very nice, but why will this show appeal to people, even the people who don't want to actually make your recipes but just watch a cooking show?" Gary asked her.
"My show will never be boring," Monica assured him. "I'll have cooking themes such as finger foods, Mediterranean foods, foods whose main ingredient is pepper, things like that. And of course there will be holiday incentives."
"What will be unique about your show?" Gary asked her next.
"The most unique thing I've planned for my show is that I'll take viewer requests for recipes," Monica said. "I'll bring in guest chefs, even if they aren't famous. I'll travel around the United States and find recipes from several different restaurants."
"Well, thank you very much, Ms. Geller." Gary shook her hand again. "Now for the meal."
"Yes, I have all the ingredients in the kitchen," Monica told him. She went into the kitchen and he watched her make the meal. Then she served it to him.
He tasted it. "This is…interesting," he said, the look on his face not showing displeasure, which was a good thing. He swallowed and said, "Your food definitely is good enough for the show."
Monica blushed and smiled. "Thank you."
"Well, I'll get back to you soon," Gary told her. "Thank you very much for coming in."
"You're welcome," Monica told him. She left and went back to the apartment, where she paced nervously.
"Whoa, Monica, take it easy," Chandler said when he came home from work half an hour later. "How long have you been pacing?"
"Since I got home," Monica told him.
"How long will you be pacing?" Chandler asked next.
"Until I find out if I get the job," she said.
"When will that be?" Chandler asked reluctantly.
"Probably in a few days," she said.
"Well, okay, see you later." Chandler headed for the door.
Monica forced herself to stop pacing. "Okay, Chandler, okay. I won't pace anymore. Let's just do something to keep my mind off of this."
"Do you want to go out to lunch?" Chandler asked her.
She glared at him.
"Oh, that's right, nothing to do with food. Okay," he said. "How about we watch something on TV? Okay, never mind, nothing to do with TV either."
"You want to take a walk in Central Park?" Monica asked.
"Okay, sure," Chandler agreed, and they left.
When they got home a while later the answering machine had a message on it. Monica eagerly retrieved the message. "It's Gary! He wants me to call him about the job," she told Chandler.
"He must have really been impressed by you," Chandler smiled.
Monica quickly dialed the number. "Hi, Gary, this is Monica. You called about the job?"
"Monica, you were a really good cook," Gary told her, "and you have a great personality. Unfortunately, the network is looking for someone else right now."
"What do you mean, someone else?" Monica asked.
"Well, they'd like someone who cooks more simple meals," Gary replied. "You know, ones that people won't be intimidated by."
"But I can cook those kinds of meals!" Monica protested. "I make this really great spaghetti-"
"I'm sorry, but we already found someone else," Gary apologized. "However, we do have a position open for you. In fact, you can keep your job at the restaurant you work at and do this job at your home, and the pay is great."
"Sure, I'm interested," Monica agreed.
"Well, one of the chefs on the network needs someone to write recipes for him because, well, he's just run out of ideas, and we think your cooking style matches his. So, all you have to do is think up new recipes and submit two or three a week to us," Gary explained.
"Okay, sure!" Monica said. "Which chef is it?"
"His name is Emeril Lagasse," Gary told her.
Monica nearly dropped the phone. "Well…I'll...definitely take the job. Thank you so much. I can't believe this!" She hung up the phone and turned to Chandler. "Chandler," she said breathlessly, "you'll never believe who I'm going to be working for!"