Strictly Hogwarts

by Weaver

James can't dance. Peter can. Lessons ensue... but Sirius has a few ideas of his own about this Graduation thing. (General plotlessness, be warned.)

Strictly Hogwarts

by Weaver

Starring Clumsy!James, Dancing!Peter, Young!McGonagall, and Psycho!Sirius

James can't dance.  Peter can.  Lessons ensue, because Sirius has a few ideas of his own on the way this whole Graduation thing should go… 

"James Potter!  We do not dance like that here!  What on Earth were you thinking?"

"Well, it's a long story, Professor McGonagall… it started quite a while ago, when you first announced the Graduation Day Dance."

"Uh – Professor, I don't dance."

"Oh, yes, you do, Potter.  That's what I'm telling you.  Traditionally, the Head Boy and Girl open the dancing, right after your valedictory speech."

James blinked, appalled.  "I'm not dancing," he said.

"It is traditional.  You heard me, Potter," Professor McGonagall said, in a very final sort of way. 

"Yes.  I was quite clear about the requirements, I believe, and what you just exposed us to was in no way part of that."

"Why, Professor, you never told me that!  All you said was that I had to dance.  You didn't say what type of dancing!"

"You have to dance?"  Sirius snorted with laughter.  "I can just see that happening!"

Lily, who was trailing her fingers in the water from the back of the boat, managed to accidentally scoop up a handful of algae and fling it at James.  "He's the worst dancer in the school – with the possible exception of that Ravenclaw, Arnold Whatsisface."  She ducked James' return shot, which hit Anne.

"Now, now, children," Sirius admonished them.  "If you must throw weeds, throw it at them—" he gestured towards the distant shape of the only other boat on the lake, which contained Severus Snape and his current girlfriend, a pretty but airheaded Ravenclaw.  "Meanwhile, we were discussing Jimmy's dancing abilities."
"Nonexistent," Anne offered.

"Yes, that about sums it up."  Sirius pulled heavily on his oars, apparently deep in thought.  "So we'll have to teach him."

"You'd better teach fast," James observed, glancing at the distant lakeside.  "We're supposed to be in Defense in about fifteen minutes."

"Oh, not now – after all, it's Lily you have to dance with, so we'll need a lot of time to practice."  Sirius neatly dodged Lily's green and sopping missile.  "Besides, you don't want to be bad."

"There's not a lot we can do to help that," James told him.  "I just don't dance."

"But you're going to!"  Sirius's eyes were glowing with that particular light that said he'd hatched a plan and was determined to carry it out.  "Peter can teach you, right, and then we'll … modify the Hogwarts rules."

"James, I would consider it a logical assumption that when discussing a formal Hogwarts dance we are talking about the traditional Hogwarts styles of dancing."

"Oh, I am sorry, Professor!  I'm afraid I must have misunderstood."

"Misunderstood.  Hmm.  Be that as it may, you still haven't explained yourself fully."

"Professor McGonagall will kill me, you know."

"Of course she won't.  You'll have just officially graduated… what can she do?"

"I can see her being somewhat less than happy about it, all the same."  James flipped his broom neatly, and continued, hanging upside down a hundred feet above the Quidditch pitch, "I didn't say we shouldn't do it though!"

Sirius, grinning wildly, looped around him.  "Yes!  He's going to do it!" he announced to the empty stands.  James rolled his eyes theatrically and went into a steep dive – still upside down.

"He's going to kill himself," Sirius told Peter happily as the shorter boy came zooming up alongside him.  "How sad."

"I heard that, Sirius Black!"  James, who had pulled out of his dive only a few feet from the ground, aimed his broom directly at Sirius, turning aside only at the last moment.

"I know," Sirius said, completely unperturbed.  "There's no point in insulting you if you can't hear it.  So when are you going to start practicing?"

"Pete!" was James' response.  "Want to teach me to dance?"

Peter swerved to a stop.  "You – you want to learn to dance?"  He snorted.  "Got a spare millenium?"

"I should belt you for that."  James scooted up and hovered easily in front of the sceptical Peter.  "I'm not that bad… besides, I'm supposed to open the dancing at our graduation.  Lily'll kill me if I step on her toes, or if I dance like an elephant on speed."

"Prongs," Peter clapped a hand on his shoulder, "nobody can make you dance like anything except an elephant on speed, unless they use Imperio… and life in Azkaban isn't worth the dubious pleasure of seeing you dance properly."

James laughed, spinning easily away in a lazy earthward spiral.  "Thanks.  I knew you'd agree."

"So you see, it was all an innocent misunderstanding, hinging on your usage of the word 'dance' and my interpretation of that…"

"You're one of the best students we've ever had, James, I find it difficult to believe you accidentally misinterpreted anything.  Deliberately, yes, but accidentally?"

"Why, Professor, I'm insulted!  Do you really think me capable of such shockingly bad behaviour?"

"Need I answer that?"

"Mmm… nahh."

"No!  Nonono!  You, Prongs, have all the coordination of a first-year trying to impress a girl.  Step this way first, right?  Follow me…"
"I hate dancing."

"We know."

…

"Noooo!  Aargh!  If you only knew how bloody stupid you looked, James Potter…"
"Ah, shut up.  I'm learning… a bit slowly…"

"A bit slowly?"

"I don't recall asking your opinion.  You come do it, if it's so easy!"

"Alright."

…

"Yeah, see, Sirius can do it.  Are you missing connections in your brain or something?  Left foot first!"

"I don't know why I let you talk me into this, Padfoot."
"Because it's good for you.  Don't growl, you're no good at it.  Besides, it's providing me with entertainment."

"Wait till Moony's out of bed, he's going to absolutely piss himself laughing."

"Coordinated people… who needs 'em anyway?"

"I'll refrain from making the obvious answer to that."

"Thanks a whole heap.  I feel so much –ouch!"

…

"Wormtail, d'you think you could teach him to, oh, maybe not fall over when he tries to turn?"

"Only if you don't call me that.  Actually, probably not anyway.  Why aren't we just teaching him normal dance steps, anyway?  Even he could manage… I think…"

"But this will look so much better.  And annoy the teachers more."

"Okay, fair enough.  Prongs?  Get up now."
"What are you going to do?"

"Leave.  Breakfast's nearly over, and teaching you is enough to make me weak with hunger."

"Breakfast?  Let's go!"

"And you're going to practice tonight, aren't you, James?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

"Don't worry, we'll make him work hard…"

"Friends like you, who needs enemies?"

"Shut up."

"I don't mind saying, James, I'm going to miss your highly individual style of explaining next year.  You've managed to completely dodge the point for six and a half minutes."

"I could always come back and teach…"

"Heaven forbid!"

"I'd just like everyone to remember – we may be graduating, but we'll never be gone!  We've made our mark on Hogwarts, and Hogwarts has marked us.  I'll see you all at the reunions!"  James stepped down from the podium, making way for Dumbledore, who made a short speech about how proud he was of the seniors, how he was sure they'd do fine…

"…blah, blah, blah,"  Lily hissed sideways to James, both of them sitting upright and smiling forcedly on the side of the dais.  "D'you think we'll ever graduate?"

James didn't bother to reply.  Lily's dislike of formal events ran deep, and he didn't think Dumbledore's speech was that boring.  In fact, he welcomed it… every second longer the Headmaster spoke was a second longer until he had to dance in front of everyone.

Dumbledore gave up the podium to Professor Flitwick, who began announcing the graduating Ravenclaws.  Student after student robed in black filed across the stage; James and Lily clapped and cheered and whistled.  The Slytherins came next, and they kept clapping, though with a distinct lack of enthusiasm for certain of their number.  Peter bounced across the dais, positively beaming; James noted that his smile infected everyone close enough to see his exuberance.  A wizened little witch in the front row gave him a gap-toothed grin.    Fin walked more sedately, her movements neat and precise, her tiny figure almost hidden under the Hogwarts formal robes.  She looked perfectly composed… but James and Lily both saw her glamour flicker for a second when she accepted her certificate, revealing her inhuman features. 

"You made it, Fin!"  Lily whispered excitedly, and the Slytherin girl gave her a wide, wide grin.

Then Professor McGonagall took her place, and they sat up straight again. 

"I'm proud to present the Gryffindors graduating this year – some of whom I once swore I'd be glad to see the last of!  Unfortunately, I've come to realise I'll miss this unique class immensely.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Gryffindors of 1973!"

"Flitwick's speech was better," Lily muttered, grinning.  "But that'll do."

Sirius was called first, and he swung himself cheerfully onto the platform to the accompaniment of gasps and snorts.  A whisper quickly grew and spread through the hall… Lily almost fell off her chair laughing.  Sirius had apparently decided that the Hogwarts formal robes were too boring; he'd turned up in Wellingtons, pink boxer shorts, goggles and a snorkel. 

Professor McGonagall didn't blink an eye as she handed over his graduation certificate, although James spotted a certain twinkle in her eyes.  "I definitely regret allowing some of these students to graduate…" she remarked, bringing general laughter.  Sirius bowed, grinning widely.

"I know all this, Potter, I was there.  Remember?  And I don't think Sirius' attire – or lack of such – has any real bearing on your –ahem—highly distinctive dancing style."

"Oh, Professor, it really does, you see…"

"You've spent a lot of time developing that charming smile, haven't you?"

28th June 1973

Well, Mum, I've graduated!  I'm a fully qualified witch… what do you think of that? 

I wish you'd been able to be at our graduation service, though.  Remus was half-asleep, and nearly missed his name … he had a rough night, apparently, James says he couldn't sleep for nerves.  Peter impressed all the little old ladies in the front rows by giving them that grin, and Sirius… well, Sirius decided he didn't like his school robes.  He wore gumboots and boxers – oh, and goggles!  The teachers didn't even bat an eye, I think he was a bit disappointed.  James and I just sat serenely in our seats on the dais and acted the perfect Head Boy and Girl.

Would you believe.

Well, actually, I sort of almost fell off my chair laughing at Sirius, and we talked a little… but only during the boring speeches.  James was nervous, I think.  Wait till I tell you why…

James's inability to dance is a standing joke here, see, and he had to open the dancing part of the evening… so Peter taught him how to break-dance so he wouldn't step on my toes… that's the reason Pete gave, anyway.  Have you seen people break-dancing?  I don't know what they did to him, but it was very frightening.  He was spinning on his head, Mum, and then he did this weird flippy thing… all the old ladies who were watching appreciatively almost fainted in shock.  Dumbledore had this weird grin on his face, like he knew James would do something special, and Professor McGonagall rolled her eyes.  I think she laughed, a bit.  I was supposed to be dancing with James, but he was a little too energetic for me to try… so I just stood and watched and laughed.  He did look terribly funny, Mum! 

Don't tell Dad, though, he'd be awfully disappointed if we hadn't done everything properly.  I wish he wasn't quite so strict, sometimes.  I plan to write a separate letter to the two of you and then pretend that it was the only one… you won't dob me in?  Love you!

Oh, I forgot… James and Sirius managed to work up a complex fading charm, and they cast it on Severus Snape, so that a few strands of hair went grey every couple of minutes and his face went all wrinkly.  He looked about fifty by the end of the meal, and then he couldn't understand why everyone was staring, or why they laughed… I know it was terribly cruel, but really, Snape's awfully vain and he does take so much care of his appearance, it was so funny to see him looking bad for once! 

I'll be seeing you shortly -- as a fully qualified witch!  It's only just starting to sink in…

Love,

Lily

"Breakdancing.  James, I would tell you that I'm glad you're finally out of this school, if it weren't for this sneaking suspicion I have telling me I'm going to miss you…"

"Don't worry, Professor, I'll be right back soon enough."

"And that is not quite as reassuring as I believe you meant it to be."

"Breakdancing, Potter?"

James, out of breath and looking rather flushed, turned to confront a sneering Severus Snape flanked by Achernar Rosier and Perceval Goyle. 

"I'd have expected you to put on a bit more of a show than that," Rosier remarked coldly.  "You know, the Great James Potter and all, I'm slightly surprised you didn't smash up the entire hall just as a parting gift."

"He nearly did," Goyle said, snickering.  "That part where you twirled, Potter -- were you intending to look an utter booby, or was that just an optional extra?"

"Surely not even Potter could be that uncoordinated on purpose," Snape said.  "I've never seen anyone act so well."

Sirius, his arm firmly hooked around Lily, turned towards the Slytherins.  Peter and Anne wandered idly over.  Remus, talking cheerfully to Angel, Findabhair, Hecate and Danielle, coincidentally happened to stop there.

Finding themselves outnumbered, the Slytherins adopted identical dark scowls and turned to leave in their most 'dignified' manner.  Sirius flung a rather rude gesture at their retreating black-cloaked backs and tossed a friendly arm around James.  "That wasn't bad, Potter, not bad at all."

"Thanks, Black," James grinned.  "Glad you approved."
"Yeah, well, here comes somebody who doesn't--" Sirius nodded towards Professor McGonagall, who looked on the point of either hysterics or fury. 

"James Potter!  We do not dance like that here!  What on earth were you thinking?"

A/N: Thus, ladies and gentlemen, we have the meaning of the term Plot, What Plot?  Now, if you'll turn to your left, you'll note the large blinking sign saying "Disclaimer"; don't bother reading it, since you all know already what it says.  Alright, then, if you're all ready?  Let's tour the next part of this site.  Begin by clicking on the little box labeled "Submit Review", if you please…