---Blackadder 1/2---

(To be filed under crossovers that should never be written)

---There are many tales of the BlackAdder', the individual who has always been at the centre of English politics. However, before now, the tale of his illegitimate Japanese son has never been told. Born as Major BlackAdder boffed a Japanese teen during the Korean War, the bastard son's tale has never been told. Now, for the first time, the adventures of Ranma Saotome can be told in their full, steamy entirety. These are the stories of The BlackAdder's illegitimate son — Ranma Saotome.---

Sasuke and his master Ranma were walking down the street near the Nekohanten. "Sir, why don't you stop here for some food instead of going all the way to Ucchan's?" Sasuke pulled on Ranma's shirtsleeve.

"Aside from the obvious? Because if Ucchan finds out I've slept with Shampoothan I'll die!" He stuttered out the phrase while paling noticeably.

"Then why don't you just come clean, sir?"

"Are you serious?" Ranma cocked an eyebrow up at his retainer.

"Yes, sir." He furiously nodded his head.

"You do realize what this means, don't you Sasuke?" Ranma turned to his retainer.

"No, what, master?" Sasuke looked up at his master as they walked in front of the Nekohanten.

"That you are the stupidest clod in the history of stupidity-stupid clumps of steaming clods."

"Why thank you my Lord, it's the first time you've ever complimented my intelligence." They began to walk inside.

"I'm sorry, I promise it won't happen again."

"Right sir, I'll try not to use such a big word again either, sir."

"What word?"

"Complimentatana"

"Just shut up, Sasuke, I don't think your mind can handle such an abstract concept as a past-tense adjectiveyou see if God wished chimpanzees to speak he would have made you bipedal."

"Bisexual, my Lord?" Ranma rolled his eyes and refrained from slapping Sasuke on the back of the head.

"Noyou see, we humans walk on two feet and you lope about on all fours."

"I didn't know you played golf, sir."

"What?"

"Well you said fores', sir, so I'm waiting for the balls to drop."

Ranma wrapped his hands around Sasuke's neck. "What in the name of his-holiness-the-Archbishop of Canterbury's-nattering-buggering-half-headed-old-aunt are you talking about?"

"What?" He croaked.

"I said, what are you talking about?' or shall I perform it in Swahili so that you can understand?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you just confused me with the bowliness-the-dishy-shop-of can-of-berries-bugging-head-of-an-ant." Ranma sighed and reluctantly let go of Sasuke's larynx.

"Yes, yes, I'll try to refrain from using multi-syllabic words from now on."

"Multi-what?" Ranma lashed out and decked Sasuke across the restaurant.

"Just forget it, let's just get on with this hideous charade of good natured banter."

Shampoo ran from the kitchen and glomped onto Ranma's arm. "How are you doing today airen?"

"Oh just fine, Shampoo, despite the appearance of you two utter gits in my way, my day has just gone swimmingly. I'm thinking of shoving an enormous sausage down my trousers, leaping into a convent and doing an impressive imitation of the naughty vicar of Dibley." He sneered and laughed derisively.

"Oh you are in a good mood today airen." She began slowly kissing her way up his arm, licking his neck.

Sasuke feebly rose from the wreckage of the table. "No he isn't, he just hit me, Lady Shampoo."

Ranma kindly undid his shirt to allow Shampoo easier access. "Shut up, Sasuke, I'm trying to get boffed here."

"I'm sorry sir, shall I fall into a puddle by the side of the street and wait for you to drown me?"

"An excellent idea, Sasuke! Why look over there, I think I see a pink elephant with a fruit basket bearing your name!" He pointed dramatically behind him.

"Really? Where, my Lord?" Sasuke turned around in a circle.

"Here." Ranma decked him again.

"Ow!"

Shampoo began to unbutton her blouse. "Oh! My Lord you're so strong and handsome today!"

"Well, yes I know. It's not always that I meet a woman with a bosom so enormous that her nipples stick out like two bigthings that stick out."

"Oh you are a flatterer, aren't you! Still, it's hard for a woman these days to get decent respect."

"Yes I'm sure that behind your voluminous cleavage you have hidden a jewel of a mind just waiting to be polished. I can't imagine how anyone couldn't see the brain behind the knockers that hit you in the face every time you take in a breath. It amazes me that some people in this world can't see past the albeit delicious naughty bits and examine the brilliant mind behind the breasts." They walked upstairs and into her bedroom.

"Yes, yes, these puppies are a blessing and a curse." She bared her bosom for Ranma to see.

"Well, I think that I must be going now, pity I can't stay and listen to your sobbing, simpering litany any longer but pressing matters are pressuring me like a wily stoat up a hippopotamus' bottom. And it doesn't help that you speak pidgin." He finished off Shampoo and shrugged back on his shirt. "Sasuke?"

"Yes, my Lord?" A hand arose from the remains of the wall.

"Run into my fist please."

"Yes, sir." The little ninja ran straight into Ranma's fist and rebounded down the stairs.

"Very obliging, Sasuke. I don't think that I've had a better time since Kasumi was feeling adventurous, brought out the chains and leathers, licked her lips and said Hello Sailor'."

"That's very nice to hear, my Lord."

Suddenly Tatewaki Kuno appeared in the doorway. "Saotome! I just had the most smashing idea!"

"Oh, and what is that, Kuno?"

"That we hide underneath the dojo and hoard biscuits until your father parents a baby panda." Kuno was violently expelled by the stench of Sasuke running up the stairs and knocking him out the window.

"My Lord, your mother had called you to her home."

"GreatI have to thank you, Sasuke, you have just made my day. After I won the lotto and took advantage of all three Tendo sisters, Ukyo, Shampoo along with Yuka and Sayuri; you come along and give me the single greatest piece of news I have ever heard in my life." Ranma frowned, as the verdict of death pronounced by his mother didn't strike him as a good idea. "Oh, Sasuke, the grave opens before me like a bighole in the ground."

"Forgive me, sir, but Ihave a cunning plan."

"I'm sorry, Sasuke, but your words don't encourage a lot of faith after your last cunning plan'."

"Oh well that was just a-"

"Let us not forget when you wandered into a hot spring, walked into the woman's section, pulled down your britches and killed all the guests. This was your cunning plan' to get us in for free by scaring the guests and then popping up and offering to get rid of the intruders."

"But this one is really cunning."

"Is it as cunning as a fox that just ate Steven Hawking and absorbed all his genius then went on to Oxford to gain a doctorate in cunning plans so sharp you could brush your teeth with them?"

"Yes."

"Well let's hear it."

"We take you to your mother's house, wrap you up in a carpet and tell her that you turned into a carpet. She'll be so overcome with grief that she won't dream of killing you."

"Sasuke, that was the stupidest idea I have ever heard. You are a real clot now aren't you? You're just a poor pathetic sod with the brain cells of an amoebae and the genitalia of sterile ant whose parents called him Winky'."

"It's funny you should say that, my Lord, because I have a pigeon named Winky."

"Sadly, Sasuke, I'm afraid Winky has slipped bets and up and joined the choir invisible."

"You mean?"

"Yes, I'm afraid that Winky was a poor excuse for a pigeon but a good excuse to sharpen the carving set. I ate Winky yesterday for lunch. I saved you his wishbone." He pulled said object from his pocket.

"Why thank you generous master!" Sasuke snapped the bone in two.

"What did you wish for?"

"Another Winky." Ranma sighed and punched his fist through the wall.

"Yes, I see that your brain's sole purpose in your head is a cheap alternative to sawdust. You know, sometimes I wonder why I put up with you, Sasuke"

"But you don't, master. I belong to Master Kuno."

"So why are you following me like some sort of homeless dog whose family was massacred by dog-eating ostriches and eaten by a malingering git?"

"Would you like the short answer or the long one?"

"Short, preferably."

"Whim, my Lord."

"And, just for curiosity's sake, what was the long answer?"

"It was a whim, sir."

"Thank you, Sasuke, now get out of here and go suck your thumb somewhere else." He jerked his thumb out the window.

"Alright, goodbye Master Saotome!" The midget ninja waved goodbye and leapt out the window.

"Goodbye Sasuke, if we ever meet again it will be thousands of years too early." Ranma winked once at Shampoo and left out the door for the Tendo Dojo.

---To not be continued (Thank God!)---