Masked
Disclaimer: I do not own Sydney, Noah, Laura, Jack, or Danny... Vaughn... sigh... ok I don't own him either... Darn it. Talk to abc, touchtone, jj abrams or bad robot productions for the who owns who information. I'm just borrowing them for some fanfiction fun.
Rating: PG-13 I don't know probably more of a PG but I don't know I'm going for safety...
Summery: Sydney's thoughts right after she and Noah sleep together.
AN: ok now technically we don't know if they actually did sleep together but I'm betting they did and you know what I'm pretty sure that's a safe bet. Contrary to all those other after the incident or during the incident fics this fic is not really about Vaughn and Sydney. But then again it's all about Vaughn and Sydney. Confused? Good. Smiles.
I didn't even know it was him.
We were in disguises, we were playing roles. Of course it took me awhile to figure out that the man holding me was Noah.
It was logical.
But part of me is still busy chastising myself over not knowing.
We used to be lovers. He used to know every part of me and I of him.
It bugs me that it took so long to figure out who he was.
It shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. There was no way for me to be prepared for it. I don't think about him enough to expect him to walk back into my life.
I used to. I used to wish that every contact was him.
But I gave that up shortly before Danny.
As I pull my shirt back on, I'm concerned.
Concerned that I hadn't recognized him, even with the mask.
After his revelations, about how I was the last and only person he wanted to see again, it felt good. It was nice to have someone say that about me, touching.
What we did afterward... I don't yet know if I'll regret it.
I don't know if I trust him either. This isn't just the damaged little girl talking. If it was maybe then things would be easier, maybe then deciding where we go after this wouldn't be so hard.
I was there when he was debriefed.
I've been in that seat. I've lied in that seat and had it go unnoticed.
He could have done the same. He could be K-Directorate.
Maybe it is the wounded little girl in me after all. Maybe I'm just so scared that he'll hurt me again that I'm imagining all these little things. Maybe I want this or something like it and that scares me.
Noah was the first after Danny. Maybe that's why I'm going slightly crazy right now.
Still... I should have recognized him.
I don't know. I just have this feeling that I can't shake about this whole situation.
In one sense what we did was nice and something I'd like to repeat, but then in another it was wrong and not about love but about wanting, needing.
I know that he's changed, that I've changed, that our masks hid more then our physical traits. It's just that I want to believe that I'd recognize him.
Especially since I just slept with him.
He seems to know what to say. I can't help but wonder if he's been coached. He never was that good with words before.
Maybe it's the recent developments with my mother that want to put him in the bad guy slot. What she did to my father, how she played him... I can't help but wonder if this is the same.
I used to trust him. I want to trust him. I want to trust myself with him.
But I can't. And that scares me.
When I was little, I had this little ritual that I'd do before bed. I don't know why I'm remembering it now. But I used to check under my bed for monsters, turn off the light, then run and jump into my bed from about five feet away. Then I'd have my mother come in and check for me.
She'd come in and turn on the light, make a big show about making sure that there was nothing there, then she'd kiss me goodnight and make sure that I was ok before leaving.
It was only a phase I went through but regardless she came into my room and checked for monsters until her accident.
I guess I still want someone to check for monsters. I still want someone to tell me that it's all going to be all right.
Like my mother, Noah knew what to say. He knew how to hold me and he still knows how to make me feel special.
But what if there aren't any monsters under my bed because I let them in it with me. What if like my mother, Noah just knows how to twist me around his finger?
Unlike my mother however, when he checks for monsters I don't quite believe him.
I guess I'm just looking under the bed again.
I would have recognized Danny in that mask.
I would have recognized Vaughn in that mask.
I didn't recognize Noah.
I don't know what that means. Maybe it means nothing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
But I don't think I am.
What have I done?
I think I might be starting to regret it.
I think that this might have been stupid.
And I know that this is going to hurt me.
Funny, this is one thing that I can't seem to talk to with any one. I'm just now realizing this.
I wish I would have realized it before.
Now I'm remembering all the secret meetings between Noah and I. Now I'm remembering all the lies we told to cover our relationship up. I'm remembering the hurt that came with those lies. I'm remembering the insane lengths we went to.
I wish I would have remembered before.
If I choose to pick things up with Noah things will only be worse. I'll only have to lie more. I don't know if I want to.
My loneliness should not be the biggest factor in my decision. My need to have someone understand me and why I do the things that I do, why I can't quit my job, why I'm gone on business trips all the time, shouldn't be the biggest factor.
My feelings should be what decide this. My feelings about him.
Now is when I really wish I could trust him. When I really wish I could take off my mask.
But I can't. I know that if I did something bad would happen. I don't know how I know, I just do.
Noah might claim to love me, but I don't believe him.
I can't believe him. I won't.
And one phrase seems to keep running through my mind.
One phrase that somehow meant more to me then any of Noah's sweet talk.
A phrase I haven't been able to forget since I heard it.
I believe in you.
I don't think he will now.
And I don't know why that matters so much to me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sydney, Noah, Laura, Jack, or Danny... Vaughn... sigh... ok I don't own him either... Darn it. Talk to abc, touchtone, jj abrams or bad robot productions for the who owns who information. I'm just borrowing them for some fanfiction fun.
Rating: PG-13 I don't know probably more of a PG but I don't know I'm going for safety...
Summery: Sydney's thoughts right after she and Noah sleep together.
AN: ok now technically we don't know if they actually did sleep together but I'm betting they did and you know what I'm pretty sure that's a safe bet. Contrary to all those other after the incident or during the incident fics this fic is not really about Vaughn and Sydney. But then again it's all about Vaughn and Sydney. Confused? Good. Smiles.
I didn't even know it was him.
We were in disguises, we were playing roles. Of course it took me awhile to figure out that the man holding me was Noah.
It was logical.
But part of me is still busy chastising myself over not knowing.
We used to be lovers. He used to know every part of me and I of him.
It bugs me that it took so long to figure out who he was.
It shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. There was no way for me to be prepared for it. I don't think about him enough to expect him to walk back into my life.
I used to. I used to wish that every contact was him.
But I gave that up shortly before Danny.
As I pull my shirt back on, I'm concerned.
Concerned that I hadn't recognized him, even with the mask.
After his revelations, about how I was the last and only person he wanted to see again, it felt good. It was nice to have someone say that about me, touching.
What we did afterward... I don't yet know if I'll regret it.
I don't know if I trust him either. This isn't just the damaged little girl talking. If it was maybe then things would be easier, maybe then deciding where we go after this wouldn't be so hard.
I was there when he was debriefed.
I've been in that seat. I've lied in that seat and had it go unnoticed.
He could have done the same. He could be K-Directorate.
Maybe it is the wounded little girl in me after all. Maybe I'm just so scared that he'll hurt me again that I'm imagining all these little things. Maybe I want this or something like it and that scares me.
Noah was the first after Danny. Maybe that's why I'm going slightly crazy right now.
Still... I should have recognized him.
I don't know. I just have this feeling that I can't shake about this whole situation.
In one sense what we did was nice and something I'd like to repeat, but then in another it was wrong and not about love but about wanting, needing.
I know that he's changed, that I've changed, that our masks hid more then our physical traits. It's just that I want to believe that I'd recognize him.
Especially since I just slept with him.
He seems to know what to say. I can't help but wonder if he's been coached. He never was that good with words before.
Maybe it's the recent developments with my mother that want to put him in the bad guy slot. What she did to my father, how she played him... I can't help but wonder if this is the same.
I used to trust him. I want to trust him. I want to trust myself with him.
But I can't. And that scares me.
When I was little, I had this little ritual that I'd do before bed. I don't know why I'm remembering it now. But I used to check under my bed for monsters, turn off the light, then run and jump into my bed from about five feet away. Then I'd have my mother come in and check for me.
She'd come in and turn on the light, make a big show about making sure that there was nothing there, then she'd kiss me goodnight and make sure that I was ok before leaving.
It was only a phase I went through but regardless she came into my room and checked for monsters until her accident.
I guess I still want someone to check for monsters. I still want someone to tell me that it's all going to be all right.
Like my mother, Noah knew what to say. He knew how to hold me and he still knows how to make me feel special.
But what if there aren't any monsters under my bed because I let them in it with me. What if like my mother, Noah just knows how to twist me around his finger?
Unlike my mother however, when he checks for monsters I don't quite believe him.
I guess I'm just looking under the bed again.
I would have recognized Danny in that mask.
I would have recognized Vaughn in that mask.
I didn't recognize Noah.
I don't know what that means. Maybe it means nothing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
But I don't think I am.
What have I done?
I think I might be starting to regret it.
I think that this might have been stupid.
And I know that this is going to hurt me.
Funny, this is one thing that I can't seem to talk to with any one. I'm just now realizing this.
I wish I would have realized it before.
Now I'm remembering all the secret meetings between Noah and I. Now I'm remembering all the lies we told to cover our relationship up. I'm remembering the hurt that came with those lies. I'm remembering the insane lengths we went to.
I wish I would have remembered before.
If I choose to pick things up with Noah things will only be worse. I'll only have to lie more. I don't know if I want to.
My loneliness should not be the biggest factor in my decision. My need to have someone understand me and why I do the things that I do, why I can't quit my job, why I'm gone on business trips all the time, shouldn't be the biggest factor.
My feelings should be what decide this. My feelings about him.
Now is when I really wish I could trust him. When I really wish I could take off my mask.
But I can't. I know that if I did something bad would happen. I don't know how I know, I just do.
Noah might claim to love me, but I don't believe him.
I can't believe him. I won't.
And one phrase seems to keep running through my mind.
One phrase that somehow meant more to me then any of Noah's sweet talk.
A phrase I haven't been able to forget since I heard it.
I believe in you.
I don't think he will now.
And I don't know why that matters so much to me.