Disclaimer: Check chapter one
Summery: Syd questions herself after Noah's death.
A/N: Originally only meant for a one shot kinda deal but well... tonight's ep just got me going on this reoccurring theme.
I didn't know it was him.
Masks, disguises, pretty little lies all tied up with a nice bow.
I didn't know it was him.
He's dead because I didn't know it was him.
I should have known. There is no excuse for me now. He was in my life.
I know that once more logic tells me to stuff it, that I thought he was on some island sitting in the sun and missing me.
God I killed him because I didn't know it was him.
Forget all the issues I'd been having before about Vaughn and Noah. About not being able to tell Vaughn about Noah and I.
I. Killed. Him.
After all my concerns I still let myself trust him. I still wanted to be with him.
I wanted to believe him so badly that I did.
I ignored everything, everything that anyone told me about him.
Because I wanted to believe that he had taken off his mask.
I was so blind I never saw the black ski mask. Not until it was right there in my face.
He had identifying marks. And he wasn't trying to kill me.
He didn't grab the knife.
I did.
All because I failed to put two and two together. I failed to recognize him once again.
After sleeping with him, after all the time we'd spent together...
I still didn't know him. Now I never will.
I loved him. I believed him. I let myself trust him.
But still I never knew him. I want to know if I missed something. If I let myself be fooled into believing his lies... If my feelings had blinded me.
I know they did. I don't want to know it. I don't want to believe it.
I want to believe him; in all the lies he sold me.
His job is to lie. I knew that going in.
He's not the first to use me.
But he loved me. I know he did.
Does that make all the lies ok? Does that make the masks ok?
I don't know. I'm so cold.
Cold like that night. That night when I gave up everything for a moment in time, that moment that lead to here.
Cold like nothing can stop me from shaking.
Cold like all of a sudden all my masks have been ripped off and everything is showing. I claw desperately to pick them up and put them back on but it's not working.
My eyes reveal all my lies, I'm sure of it.
That night Noah took the chill from my veins.
There is no one now. No one to hold me close and tell me that everything is going to be all right.
That I'm ok.
That it's not my fault.
That it's ok that I didn't recognize him.
There is no one now to tell me all those pretty lies that I want to hear.
No one to tell me that I'm not my mother... That I'm not my father...
I was so afraid of becoming my mother, I wonder though if I should fear becoming my father more.
See there is no one to meet on the beach, no one at the pier, the observatory...
No one at the warehouse.
Because I put on another mask for him. The one man in my life who I never had to wear a mask for.
The one man who I trust without question.
I lied to him. I pushed him away. I wasn't fine. I was far from fine.
He saw through my masks. I know he did. I know it hurt him. That I hurt him.
And now I'm cold and can't get rid of this chill.
It's all my fault.
Every last piece of it.
I've got so many masks I don't know if anyone will be able to help me take them off now.
I'm walking all over. I don't know where I'm going.
I've been to the beach.
I cried as the icy water lapped around my ankles. Cried as the sand dried and crusted on my feet.
Then I put my shoes back on, wrapped my jacket more tightly, and started walking again.
The last place Noah and I were truly happy.
The last place we pretended that we were mask free.
The pier. I look around and realize I'm at the pier.
I cling to the railing, the metal cold and smooth under my hands. I cry again.
Not for Noah this time. For me.
For the damn cold that just won't go away. For my numb hands, my blind heart.
I want his arms around me again. Why did he lie to me?
He wanted to protect me, he said.
I wouldn't have killed him if I had known. How was his lie protecting me? How was his mask making me safe?
Now I'm out here dying because of his mask.
No. I'm not. I'm not dying.
This is not like Danny. This is completely different. I'm not crying because he is no longer with me. I'm not crying because he was an innocent man. Or because I can't imagine my life without him.
I'm crying because I killed him.
"Are you ok?" His voice is warm and welcoming. I risk a glance.
He's still just as concerned as before. He is still here even after I tried to push him back.
"How did you find me?" My voice wobbles, my hand swats at my face as I turn my back on him and try to hide my tears.
"Well I got in my car and started driving." He explained, honestly, with no masks. It was so very refreshing.
"Why?" My back still to him, my hand resting on the railing by his. Still cold. Still so cold.
"I heard. I'm sorry. I was worried." His hand covered mine. So warm. Warmth shooting up my arm.
"The warehouse, an hour." I explain quietly and slip my hand from under his. I walk back the way I came.
Warmer.
Still cold but warmer.
I look back. He's watching me go. All my masks are gone. I was wrong; he could still take them off so easily.
I don't want him too. He takes them and twists them into worry. Worry that rests in his eyes, across his brow. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to care.
But I do want his arms around me again. I do want him to whisper into my ear and tell me it's not my fault.
I want him to believe in me.
I don't know why... but I want him to...
I don't know what I want anymore.