"Breathe"
Chapter Five
By Sinclair
Standard Disclaimers Apply
It rained that day. The dripping sound cloaked her, covering her with strange warmth when it should have made her shudder from the dreariness. But there were other things that could make her shiver inside and out, and she felt that she'd be safer facing the growing storm outside.
"Serena? Did you hear me?" someone asked again.
"Hmm?" she said trying in vain to sound casual as she stared out the window. She tried to appear interested in the wet world outside, when instead she could only feel the overpowering presence standing near her, painfully aware of how close he was. To her dismay, the fingers that she held up to the cold glass were shaking.
"I said we can be over and done with this as soon as you sign the papers," Darien said as he began to walk towards her. He had come over to her place a short while ago, with the divorce papers that would finalize the split, the very same papers that would rend her heart beyond repair.
Don't walk over here, she prayed fervently. Her prayers must have been lost on the rough wind that moved the raindrops slightly sideways, because suddenly he was behind her, his large warm hands on her shoulders.
"Serena? Are you listening to me?" he asked as he turned her around to face him. He was puzzled when she wouldn't look up at him. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked tenderly lifting her chin to meet her eyes. "You're crying?" he asked incredulously.
Serena's eyes were wet, the tears not quite spilling over onto her cheeks. Summoning all her strength, she smiled widely and pushed him slightly away. Wiping her eyes she said, "Oh no, Darien. I was just tired so I yawned. You know how my eyes get watery from that. I'm probably going to have to take one of my naps. You know how it is."
Darien laughed. "Yeah I do. I remember - you used to always take naps in the afternoons - not to mention the weekends when you slept in!" There was a wistfulness in his voice as he remembered how Serena cherished her sleep.
Suddenly he felt awkward, as he stood there smiling at her, and she smiled back at him. She looked so beautiful against the window, her hair cascading around her, her eyes clear and bright. His smile vanished as his breath caught in his throat, while she continued to stare at him as she did, a strange fiery look in her eyes. The oppressive silence engulfed them, the atmosphere so tense that the air around them crackled. He was suddenly aware that he still had his hand on her slight slender shoulder, and he squeezed gently. Her eyes grew wider as she stared up at him, her eyes shining with something, her red lips parting gently.
He came back to himself and he instantly pulled his hand away and stuck it through his hair. Clearing his throat with unease he walked back towards the counter where he had set the papers. "Well as soon as you sign, it's done and done, " he said, refusing to turn around to face her.
Serena stifled a sob, and brought her knuckles to her mouth. It was well that Darien was intent on studying the papers, probably making sure the divorce will be a sure thing, she thought to herself, torturing herself with her own pain. Was she so detestable that he wished to rid of her forever and soon? His darling Raye was probably far better company than she, she thought, the tears now slipping past her closed lids swiftly. Without saying a word, she walked as quietly and quickly as she could to her bedroom. Shutting the door behind her, she flung herself onto the bed, burying her face in her arms. She would have to go out there soon, to face him, and to sign the papers with a happy smile. The papers, she thought with despair. If only, she thought, if only she could somehow make him fall in love with her. But that couldn't happen. Not when he loved her.
"Serena! What's wrong!?" Darien stood in front of the door hesitantly. He didn't want to barge in on her. "Is everything alright? Please, talk to me, Serena!" He waited and when no one answered he slowly opened the door.
He stood there blindly for several seconds until his eyes adjusted to the dark room. He saw a shadow huddled on the bed and he walked over to it without hesitation.
"Hey," he whispered with gentle care as he placed a warm loving hand on her back. "Come on, you can tell me anything. What's the matter?"
She trembled underneath his warm comforting touch, and fought the urge to fling herself into his arms. She had wished so many times that she could do just that, but always, she had held herself back. Even in their marriage, it had been a very timid relationship, even after their consummation, with only light kisses and hugs.
When she didn't answer he sighed. "I know what's bothering you, Serena. And I can't tell you enough how sorry I am! After you left I thought about it, and I realized how unjustly I've treated you," he began warily. Andrew's words came back to him, but he shook his head, clearing it.
She instantly turned over to stare at him. He was shocked to see crystal tears falling from her smooth cheeks. Even in this state, she was so beautiful, like nothing could mar her; she was simply untouchable. And for some reason, her beauty, her innocence hurt him, really hurt him through his heart.
"What - what do you mean, Darien?" She could barely hear her own voice, her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears.
"Well I mean, I - I had no right to kick you out of our home," he said haltingly, finding something to say, other than what he had meant to say, or actually meant to ask. "You did most of the decorating, anyway. And - and this place! Why, as soon as I walked in, I realized how terrible I've been," he continued, his voice growing stronger, as he struggled to find words, afraid to stop talking for fear he might make a mistake. "This place is unsuitable for you! I can't have you live here. Why don't I find you a nicer place? Meanwhile, you can take whatever furniture you want. I'll leave you some money too, until you can get settled." When he saw the incredulous look on her face, he hurriedly continued. "Please, Serena. Don't think that I've forgotten you. You're my best friend. I want you to live well and be happy." But the soothing stroke of his hand down the side of her face was the final shot that killed her.
She pulled away from him abruptly. She could never cry in front of him, now; she could never tell him the truth. Not when he was so kind, and so blind to her feelings! He didn't need to hear something that would destroy his happiness with the one he loved; she knew that he would feel terribly. And she would simply die from grief. Choking back the urge to shout that she only wanted him, she screwed her face up the best she could, trying to hide the pain, the suffering that she was feeling.
What she said next, she almost screamed out, the voice already sore from the lump that had never gone away. "I just want my own personal belongings, and I've already brought that with me. Darien, I don't want anything from your house. I don't want your money. I don't need your help. In fact, I don't want anything from you! I don't want you in my life, Darien! It was nice while it lasted, but you're right, it wasn't real! And now that it's finally over, you can get out of my life!" Her voice rose with each sentence. There was a terrible battle raging inside of her, the real Serena crying to get out to hold and love him. She was horrified that she had said such things to him, that she had the gall to lie like this to him, hurting him. She had to fight for control, to restrain her hand from coming up to cover her mouth before she spouted more lies.
She deserved the worst punishment for doing this to Darien, she realized. Without another word, ignoring the utterly injured look on Darien's face, she stood up quickly and stalked to the kitchen counter. This is what you get, she told herself harshly. With what you have just said, you don't deserve Darien at all. Without a thought, she scrawled her name across the dotted line. Afterwards, her hands shook so much, that she held them behind her as she whirled to face the man she loved as he came to stand before her.
"Serena, what's wrong? This is not like you!" Darien quickly came to her side, and tried to look into her eyes. But, she turned her head away from him. She was so close to collapsing on the floor and sobbing hysterically. She had to get him out of there and now!
"Darien, maybe you didn't know the real me then. THIS is the real me. Now why don't you get out? Frankly, you weren't even invited. And now you aren't welcome." She couldn't believe that those cold icy words left her mouth. But she had to make her voice rock-hard and machine-like, or she'd crack.
He could never love her, she thought, and it would hurt her more if he knew how much she loved him. She pulled open the door with a finality that impressed even her. Darien stared at her a few moments longer. But he wasn't angry, she noticed with dismay; he seemed so worried, and hurt. He didn't say a single word though as he left. He lightly touched her cheek, gave her one last look, simply left her standing at her door, watching his retreating form. She watched as he left, and he was never going to come back.
She made sure that he was no longer there before she crumpled to the floor, her fragile heart in pieces, her hands covering her face, trying to stop the unstoppable flood of tears.
Despite the pouring summer rain, Serena sat motionlessly on the shore blinking as the water fell on her lashes and into her eyes. She absently let the cold waves wash over her bare toes. Was that only a few hours ago, she thought to herself in disbelief. It seemed to unreal now, that she had said such harsh things to him.
It didn't matter much anyway. Soon he would be married to his real love. She felt numb, and it wasn't just the cold, or the clothes that clung to her body, drenched and soaked from the stinging rain.
Always, there had been that extra presence in her marriage with Darien anyway. She couldn't blame any of her agony or misery on Darien or Raye because the cruel fact of the matter was that she had fallen in love with a man that could never love her back. Acknowledging this fact somehow gave her some comfort, as she pulled the misery closer to her like a warm blanket. She was unwanted, had always been and always would be. There was no changing that and if that was the case, then so be it, she thought, embracing the pain.
She finally focused on her surroundings. Her salty tears mixed with the salty rain that soaked her face. Geez, she thought to herself, if I stay out here any longer, I'll catch a cold, not to mention my death. An especially violent shiver racked her small frame at this point. Standing up a little shakily, she wrapped her arms around her body, trying to warm herself as her teeth began to shatter uncontrollably.
But still, she didn't leave immediately. She stood there, staring longer out into the sea. "Is this how it was for you, Darien?" she asked aloud quietly, intently, as the raw cold bit into her. Her obsession with Darien's near brush with death grew stronger. What was it like? She couldn't bear that he had been through so much pain and suffering. She wanted to feel it, share it with him, just as much as she wanted to be with him now, sharing in his happiness. Suddenly a strange urge coursed through her veins. She became rooted to the spot, suddenly mesmerized by the powerful waves crashing into each other, the sound of it deafening in her ears.
With a strange yearning deep inside of her, she slowly and deliberately began to make her way towards the water, drawn by the majestic raw power of the raging sea. Perhaps she'd have a little dip in the water before she left, she thought lightly to herself, and leaned into the heavy winds that tore at her clothes and hair.
Lita waited impatiently at the door. "Come on, Serena, I know you're in there! You didn't call me like you said you would, so I wanted to check up on you. I hope you aren't sick." She paused to listen closely, her ear pressed to the chipped paint on the door. "Serena?" she called out hesitantly. Serena was normally a little bit of a flake, missing appointments and running late. But these days, Lita felt nervous and jumpy at every little thing that Serena did. She was worried. What if she -? She stopped herself at that point. She didn't even want to think about it.
Damn, she thought to herself. She waited a few moments longer, fuming to herself. "Okay, if you don't open this door, I'm gonna just kick it in, I swear. You know I'll do it, too," she threatened, veiling her fear and worry with her anger. "That's it, girl, I'm coming in!"
Using the techniques she had learned in her karate and kick boxing classes, she forced the door from its hinges with one swift well-placed kick. "Whoa, weak door," she muttered before hurrying into the room.
"Serena!" she called out a little frantically. Oh please, please let her be in her room sleeping, she thought fervently. She hoped that she had just been foolish. Serena was too happy-go-lucky to even think of such a thing. Her hopes were crushed when the only sound she heard was the sound of silence, engulfing the apartment like a shroud. She frantically ran from room to room.
It didn't take long to search her place. She simply wasn't there. Damn, Lita thought, I have to find her now! She raced out of the building tears burning in her eyes, her heart thudding frantically, thinking of the only place that Serena would ever go. She could only pray that she would be sane enough not to do anything foolish.
She was waist deep in the water now. She moved slowly and steadily forward, only stopping sometimes when the waves crashed into her body head on, forcing her to rebalance herself.
"Darien," she whispered. "I want to be with you." She felt a little crazy, the obsession running through her body, pumping through her blood and into her brain. She watched herself from somewhere above, and realized how utterly insane she was being. Her idea from before suddenly hit her hard. Is that what she was going to do? She remembered how she had thought that living without Darien was not living at all. And then how those thoughts had turned into the thought that she didn't have to live without out him if she didn't want to. The point was, that she didn't have to live at all. Suddenly she couldn't move past that thought as the ocean floor suddenly disappeared and she was floating weightless in the raging sea.