"Breathe"
Chapter Eight
By Sinclair
Standard Disclaimers Apply
He stared at his fingers absently, the way they wrapped around the heat of his coffee mug, letting his black hair fall forward pricking his eyelids every now and then. Not really knowing what he was doing, he tilted the mug slightly, watching indifferently as the dark steaming liquid spilled over the pristine white edge, not even flinching at the sensation of the contact of coffee on skin. As though mesmerized, he watched unblinkingly as the coffee moved in trickling streams along the counter until it dripped onto the floor, drip…drip…drip…
"Darien!" Andrew was immediately there, staring at the mess on the counter and on the floor. With disbelief he stared at Darien's now reddened hands stained dark with coffee. "Dammit," he muttered, grabbing a wet cloth and some ice from behind the counter, shoving it towards his friend, while at the same time, trying to wipe down the counter. All the while, he glanced surreptitiously from beneath his blond bangs at Darien, who still sat unmoving, now staring at the ice in his hands.
"Darien," Andrew said quietly, stopping his work at once. "Come on, man." He stood staring at him a moment, but there was no answer. "Listen," he continued when he knew there would be no answer, "you can't go on like this. Why don't you go home?"
Darien blinked numbly, brows furrowing for a split second for the one second he comprehended the words. "Home?" he said softly, his rough voice catching in his throat. The cloth now moved in his hands as he picked at its edges, his knuckles whitening when he wrung the cloth, then reddening as the blood flooded through again.
"Yeah, Dare –home. You need some rest –you just aren't going to make it like this." Andrew glanced around at the bustling café, trying to keep his head clear amidst the sounds of clinking silverware and conversation and laughter. But the sounds were oddly distorted in the little niche of silence that seemed to pervade around them. He didn't know what passed between Darien and Serena at Lita's the other day, and he knew that this was something he couldn't ask –at least not yet. This was Darien after all, king of hidden emotions and brooding. And yet, he did all he could to fight the curiosity; he had never seen Darien in such sobriety, in such despondence. Whatever happened in those few moments was now slowly killing his best friend.
"I can't."
Andrew looked up, surprised at any response. "What?" He leaned over the edge of the counter to hear the quiet words more clearly.
Darien sighed, and from his rapid blinking Andrew knew that he struggled to keep the tears from emerging. "I can't go home. Not like this."
"Sure you can go home, Darien, sure you can. If you wait up for me, I can close up in a while, and we can go together or something. Heck, I can even close up right now if you want." He paused here to take off his apron, balling it up and preparing to throw it haphazardly somewhere. But before Andrew could make a move, a hand shot out and gripped his wrist. Surprised he turned around to find himself face to face with Darien who know stood halfway up leaning over the counter, staring with bloodshot eyes into Andrew's own light blue eyes. He didn't notice until now just how terrible Darien looked, as though he hadn't slept in ages.
"Darien." Andrew said, unable to hide the shock.
"It's okay, Andrew. You don't have to." He let go of his wrist and straightened up. "I –I think that I'm just going to go for a walk." He was already heading out towards the door before Andrew could say or do anything. "Listen, Andrew," Darien added turning slightly, but not meeting his friend's eyes. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll see you later, okay?"
Andrew nodded slowly, worry written over his usually placid face. Darien smiled sadly. "Thanks, Andrew. For everything, I mean."
"Sure, Darien, sure."
Darien nodded again, pushing open the door to the café, blinking in the glaring shine of the sun before making his way down the street.
Andrew wanted nothing else but to make everything okay for his best friend again. But this time, it wasn't just wasn't his place.
There was not much else to do that day. She sat alone at one of the restaurant's tables on the sidewalk, the sun warm on her face as she fiddled with the straw in her drink. After arranging her permanent move into Lita's apartment, the two girls had decided to pool their resources together to finance their own business, a flower shop perhaps, or even a restaurant like this one, though Andrew would probably never speak to them again after that. Yes, things were beginning to look up, after all, how could anything be worse? Yet still, somewhere, deep and dark inside of her, she held on to those thoughts of despair, though there was no longer the force of action behind those thoughts. These changes, whatever they resulted in, would be, or at least should be, her ticket to a life, a steady solid life where she could begin anew.
However, she slumped slightly in the hard chair, her eyes moving to stare at the interlocked fingers that lay quietly on her lap. It was so hard, so draining to have to remain upbeat, especially when she was so inclined to fall back into depression. Suddenly, her thoughts shifted, settling on one man she would never forget, no matter how hard she tried. She knew, no matter what, she would never stop loving him like she did, no matter what happened, no matter what he did, no matter what she did. But there was a time she remembered when things were different; but it was so far from reach, that she felt that she might have dreamt the whole thing up in her loneliness. No, she thought, there really was a time when things were different, when things were real. The question was, how did so much change so quickly? Had she been so dense all along that she didn't noticed until she was steeped in a misery so far from salvation that she could only watch herself drowning from shore? She fought the tears now pricking at the back of her eyes. No, she vowed, no more of that. She prayed that her resolve would be stronger this time.
Her eyes shifted slightly, as she shook her head silently, wisps of blond hair billowing gently around her. Biting the now trembling lip, she cringed inwardly at how much she had burdened her friends lately. It didn't matter how she felt inside, she thought with determination. She would no longer hurt her friends. And so, she practiced the smile to herself, the one she had been practicing in the mirror alone in the bathroom, practiced being happy and normal again. After all, it wouldn't do to worry her friends anymore; she had to prove that things were okay, that they could move on with their lives.
And for herself, she would keep her darkest nightmares like a well-guarded treasure; she would hold onto them, cherishing them for herself, not letting go, even in her dreams.
"Jed, I don't know. What if someone sees us? I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea." Raye glanced around hastily, missing the blond woman who sat in one of the tables on the sidewalk in the corner, twirling the silky strands of her dark hair between her fingers, as she was wont to do when she felt nervous. She moved anxiously after the tall blond man who stood a few paces ahead of her.
"Hey," Jed said, his eyes twinkling with mirth. He turned quickly, catching her up in his arms, causing her to let out a shout of feeble protest. "Don't worry. We're just out to get a quick bite to eat right? It's a beautiful day out, so let's enjoy it, okay?" His laugh was infectious, and she couldn't help but join in. When she was with him, she could forget her problems.
They seated themselves at a nice cozy table, underneath an umbrella. She looked up, sensing his blue eyes on her, and she smiled. For now, she would forget how upset she had been that morning, when she had gotten into yet another argument with Darien. He had come home so late the other night, claiming that he had been with Andrew. But she knew there had to be more to it than that; she had a feeling that perhaps he had been seeing another woman, that girl he had been married to. And with the uncontrollable feelings of jealousy, she had blown up, accusing him of such, calling him the most vile names, while he stood stock still, his pale face proof enough to confirm her suspicions. She was so angry with him, not understanding him, not knowing what was going wrong at home.
But here, with Jed, she could forget all her worries, and enjoy her day for once, instead of fuming silently at home over Darien's actions or his inactions. After ordering, they talked of little things, enjoying the good weather and the good food when it came. But it was over all too soon for Raye, when Jed stood, moving over to her side to help her up. When he was close to her like that, she forgot to breathe, as she lost herself in his beautiful blue eyes, the beautiful light blue free of worries and full of warmth and laughter.
"I had a great time, Raye," he said softly. "You'll let me take you out again, won't you?" he asked, hesitantly, almost afraid that she would say no, though in her large beautiful eyes, he could read her true answer.
"I don't know." She pulled away from him, staring at the floor. She didn't want to give him the wrong idea, after all. Despite all their problems, she was still with Darien. And she still loved him, no matter what. After all, they had been through too much for it to be otherwise.
"That's okay, Raye," Jed said, interrupting her thoughts. "I'll keep in touch, okay?" She looked up to see him looking down at her sadly. She shouldn't have come at all, leading him on like this when she knew that she could never be with him. She berated herself mentally, not noticing as Jed put his arms around her, holding her close to his chest.
"You should go," she said blushing slightly. Jed just smiled back at her knowingly.
"Goodbye, Raye," he said, smiling again, touching her cheek gently. "Don't you worry now," he added with a small chuckle, "I'll be around."
She stood still, underneath the wide umbrella, as he moved out into the sidewalk, watching as he whistled and moved jauntily down the street. She sighed again, now feeling drained again, as she too began to make her way out. But just before she made it out, she noticed a blond woman seated nearby, and she gasped in recognition, her face clouding momentarily in anger.
Serena, lost in her own thoughts as she continued to play with the straw in her drink, abruptly awoke from her reverie when she felt a shadow fall over her, unmoving for a time. When she looked up, her heart began to beat erratically, startled by the woman who towered over her, animosity evident in the violet eyes, sun shining brilliantly behind her like armor, almost blinding her.
"Excuse me," the raven-haired woman said succinctly, her face emotionless. "You're Serena, right?"
Serena opened her mouth to speak, embarrassment flooding through her when the words would not form on her cracked lips. She nodded hastily.
"Do you mind if I sit down?" Serena nodded again, awed by the sufficient almost business-like manner Raye was able to command at will. She cringed inwardly, suddenly hit with all the reasons why Darien, or any other man, would want such a woman.
"I don't know if you remember me," Raye began, extending her hand mechanically after she had seated herself comfortably. "We were never really properly introduced after all."
"You're Raye," Serena suddenly said, her voice suddenly finding itself. How could she not know this woman? Never introduced? It did not matter whether they were introduced or not. This was a woman Serena knew all too well, a woman she felt intimidated by; a woman who possessed the heart of the man she loved. Serena tried to calm the frantic rush of blood, the sudden decrease of air around her, as she quietly gripped her glass.
"Right," Raye said. Her violet eyes bore into the blond before her. She wondered how Darien could have ever married another woman in the short time she had been missing; sometimes when she was alone with her thoughts, she felt the jealousy eat away at her soul. But on close inspection, Raye wondered how this girl could even attract Darien, let alone any other man; this Serena looked almost ill, her face a chalky white, her cheeks gaunt, dark circles beneath the sunken dull eyes.
"Listen, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I couldn't help but notice that you've been sitting there for a while." Serena shrank from the scrutinizing look Raye directed at her relentlessly. "Well, I'm sure you noticed me too," Raye continued glancing back at the table she and Jed had shared. "And I just want to make sure that you don't get any wrong ideas." Prompted by Serena's look of confusion, she added, "He is just a friend, and we've just had lunch."
Serena could not help but wonder where this conversation was going. What was Raye talking about? Her brows drew together in confusion as she stared at her hands wrapped around her cold drink.
Raye in return, stared across the table at Serena. When she didn't reply, Raye spoke again. "Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Darien --"
Here, Serena's head shot up, her eyes wide at the mention of his name. Raye grimaced slightly, the proof against Darien growing; it seemed likely that Darien was indeed secretly seeing Serena again.
"But," Raye said firmly, "Darien loves me," she said, challenging Serena with her flashing eyes.
Shocked at first, Serena couldn't help but gawk at the beautiful woman sitting across from her. The entire situation seemed so surreal. Raye almost seemed threatened; but that was utterly ridiculous. But suddenly, she dropped her gaze, her head drooping slightly towards her chest, as the meaning of her words dripped dully into her brain.
"I know." The words were quiet, resigned. She reached for her glass, suddenly feeling parched.
"And," Raye added, her tone of voice rising slightly, "I love Darien."
Again silence as the glass stopped halfway to her dry lips. Then, "I know," another mechanical reply. She drank deeply from her glass.
The silence, the tension was too much, and after a moment, Raye continued. "I don't know what's going on with you and him," she said with quiet anger now, hating that sudden feeling of insecurity. "But you have to know, that you can't do anything. We're together now. We were –we were meant for each other, and --" she faltered here, suddenly wondering what she was doing, sitting here with Serena, trying to justify, or maybe prove that –
"Look, it doesn't matter," Raye said abruptly, frustrated and shaking her head to clear her thoughts. "I just want you to stay away from my husband. I mean, we're having some slight problems but he doesn't need your help or anything."
Serena stared in wonder, unable to take her eyes of the woman seated across from her. The area around them was deserted, leaving the two of them to a private discussion. In the silence, it was difficult for her to grasp the situation. She didn't know what was going on, and she couldn't even comprehend the reason for this conversation. But now she could see something in Raye's eyes, something hurting behind the stormy violet. "Raye," Serena suddenly said, quietly, worry marring her features. "Is everything alright?" She just couldn't help but ask, feeling the concern bubble up inside of her.
Normally, Raye would have grown angry, blowing up and bawling out whosoever would dare to tread into personal matters. But there was something sincere, something sweet and caring behind the simple words, that suddenly, she felt tears choking at the back of her throat. All her fears, insecurities, all her warring emotions, her feelings for Darien and her friendship with Jed could not hold up any longer, and they came crashing violently down around her, though she had fought so hard to keep everything under control to this point. When she felt that no one cared, when she felt that she couldn't talk to anyone about these problems, here her so-called rival now inquired after her. Struggling, struggling so very hard to keep her face hard and cold, she clenched her fists. But the tears rebelled against her, and they fell steadily down her cheeks to her own horror.
And then suddenly, the blond girl she had purposely set out to hurt, to destroy, the girl she barely knew was kneeling at her side, hugging her, holding her. This was just too much, too much when she had expected so little, and she cried without any inhibitions. The blond girl held her with care, never saying a word, but simply holding her, letting her cry, letting her empty all her anger and fears through her salty bitter tears. She clung to the warmth of her, until slowly the sobs slowly ceased, until she felt somehow better from her breakdown, no matter how embarrassing it had been to rely on a complete stranger.
She pulled back, to see the wet eyes of the other girl, the sun catching the sparkling teardrops in the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen, so full of sadness. She looked away, suddenly ashamed. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice a little hoarse. "I'm afraid I don't know what came over me. It's just that – I mean…"
"It's okay," Serena said, putting her hand encouragingly on Raye's shoulder, causing the other girl to look up suddenly, her face filled with doubt. "Sometimes, we all need to let it all out, right?" She smiled, her dry lips protesting as they pulled and cracked slightly. The smile suddenly left as quickly as it had come, as her face sobered with her thoughts. "Look, Raye. I want you to believe me, okay? I don't know what you're thinking, but –there's nothing going on between me and Darien."
Raye didn't answer, and only nodded, though only half-heartedly, now feeling foolish altogether for even suspecting anything, for being jealous when there had been nothing going on in the first place.
"Raye," Serena said again. She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply, the hurt and despair rising from her chest again, making her feel a pain she had wanted to ease away, to let wither and slowly die. But she had to make her see. "He doesn't love me, Raye."
Raye looked up abruptly, her eyes suddenly filled with interest again.
In fact," Serena said, responding to the silence. She laughed as she paused slightly, a strange laugh, Raye thought to herself. "He never loved me at all! Seriously," she added as she regarded Raye delicately, smiling with assurance. "The whole time I was married to him –he was always thinking about you. He never stopped thinking about you, for that entire time. And…well, he never stopped loving you."
Raye stared at Serena, as though trying to discern the truth from her, and her brows furrowed in thought. Darien never loved Serena? But –
"Serena," Raye said suddenly, her eyes narrowing slightly. "But you loved him, didn't you?"
Serena sighed deeply, her chest heaving painfully in her chest. She closed her eyes slowly. "No, Raye," she said, her voice strangely calm and emotionless. "I never loved him." No, she never could love him --because she had to love herself before she could truly love anyone. Isn't that what she had told Darien himself? What was her love worth anyway? Her feelings for Darien felt real enough, but it couldn't be worth a thing, if no one cared.
Raye nodded carefully at Serena's spoken words. She stood slowly from her seat. "Look," she said hesitantly. "I'm really sorry –about everything," she said stiffly. She smiled as best she could, trying to make Serena understand. "You'll forgive me?"
Apparently, she did, because Serena smiled back, though it was a sad smile. "It's okay," she said, her words ringing true. "Let's just forget it, okay?"
Raye nodded again, smiling shyly back. "Thank you, Serena. I didn't mean to bother you. But," she stopped, staring at the floor, thinking carefully. "But I'm glad that we had a chance to talk. You know, you –you're a very nice person." Serena didn't react to the compliment, merely staring down at her shoes.
Raye moved away from her, finally finding her way out into the sidewalk. She turned back with another smile, a real one, wide and genuine; she felt somehow relieved, happy again. She would talk to Darien tonight, to work things out. Through Serena, she felt a little bit of that hope return. "I hope that you'll come and visit us?" she asked.
Serena nodded and waved as she watched Raye walk down the street. She sighed and fell dangerously back into her seat, the conversation having drained most of her energy. Maybe before, she might have cried, sobbed, in fact, helplessly into her hands. But now --now these days she just felt too worn and tired; she had nothing left inside of her to really let go of her pain. Instead, she quietly closed her eyes, wishing that somehow she could stay here, in the warm cocoon of the sunlight.
In the silence that now settled comfortably around her, she smiled softly, almost knowingly, at the distant sound of the ocean waves on bleached white sand.