Chapter 9
"I hope you aren't tiring Steve out" Amanda warned CJ as she found him curled up on the side of Steve's bed, a book in his hand.
"Not at all, he's keeping me wide awake actually" Steve informed her.
"Time to go honey" Amanda said.
"Ah mom, we're just getting to a good bit."
"CJ, all the bits are good bits according to you."
"And I agree" Steve smiled "I think I could use this Harry Potter kid around here myself, he sounds like he knows how to get things sorted."
CJ grinned as he climbed down. "Y'see Steve likes me reading to him, can't I stay a little longer?"
"It's fine by me" Steve assured her casually.
Amanda's smiled slipped and she nodded towards the door. "Steve, you have another visitor actually, Dr Keller is here to see you."
"There was a doctor here just in a minute ago" CJ observed, "and Steve didn't get any worse since he left."
"This is a different kind of doctor" Steve told him, forcing back a smile at the youthful leap in logic.
"What kind of doctor?"
"CJ, time to go" Amanda repeated.
"It's OK Amanda" Steve said gently, then addressing CJ. "Dr Keller is the kind of doctor who talks to people."
"What do you talk about, do you talk about books and stuff?"
"Oh we talk about lots of things, but especially about what it's like to feel sick, how it can sometimes make you scared or unhappy."
"Are you unhappy?"
Amanda stood back watching her friend and her precious little boy have this very simple yet grown up conversation.
Steve continued. "Well I'm not unhappy today, because you've been keeping me company. But sometimes I wish I could go outside for a walk, or to swim at the beach, and when I remember that I can't it makes me a little bit sad."
"And what are you scared of?"
"Hmmm, that's a little bit tougher to explain." He paused "so that's why Dr Keller is here, to help me figure it out."
CJ screwed up his face in concentration. Putting his book on the table he knelt on the chair by Steve's bed and whispered into his ear "sometimes if I'm scared at night mom lets me leave the light on."
"I'll remember that" Steve smiled as Amanda tried to suppress a giggle. "Thanks for stopping by."
CJ leant further forward and kissed Steve on the cheek. "Can I come back tomorrow?" he asked excitedly as Amanda lifted him from the chair and hustled him towards the door.
"You can comeback as soon as you like, as long as you promise not to read on without me."
"I promise" came the reply from the corridor.
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Steve talked freely to Dr Keller; he had, he thought to himself, little choice. He was a captive audience that was certain, but the relief of talking to somebody other than his father or his friends was a welcome one.
It had been two days since the news reporter had stormed his room and whenever he was left alone he could still feel his anxiety increase. Chief Masters had realised just how vulnerable Steve was when he'd visited the previous day, and had agreed to post an officer outside the room around the clock. If a reporter had figured out where Steve was then the murderer was certainly capable of doing the same.
Dr Keller had started his session with relaxation techniques which Steve found highly beneficial. He'd encouraged Steve to try self-hypnosis but it seemed his personality and present state of mind weren't receptive enough for them to make any real progress. Despite Dr Keller's assurances Steve secretly feared releasing any hold over his mind now that his body was so far from his control.
Dr Keller let Steve instigate the conversation, and it quickly turned to reoccurring nightmares, which was, coincidentally, what led the two men to meet the previous year. As often seemed to be the case with Steve, his nightmares were distorted action replays of events from his past.
"I know where this one comes from, this dream." Steve began "it was the first time I was in Vietnam, I was walking into this clearing. There were two bodies, two of our guys. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, I don't know how to explain it." Steve grimaced in frustration. He'd never realised how much he used his hands to help express himself in conversations before. He continued, searching for the best words to illustrate what he was thinking. "It was kind of the reverse of the foetal position I guess. They'd been bound, hands and feet behind their backs, the whole lot attached to a sort of noose around their necks. It was pretty common practice in the prison camps, heard a lot about it after that, but that was the only time I saw it myself."
Steve seemed to squint at the wall opposite him, as if drawing clarity on the image in his mind. His voice was steady, with no sign of distress or fear as he continued his story.
"I looked down at them; the guy on the left was a skinny kid, reddish hair, pointy features. His mouth was open, as if he was still gasping for air and his eyes were rolled all the way back. I thought you could see the fear on his face still." He paused. "The one on the right was probably the same height but looked a little older, and much bulkier, looked like he could have wrestled in school, something like that. But his face, it was a different story all together. His eyes were still open too, but he was looking right at the other guy. And he had these lines on his brow, like he was really concentrating on something. The skinny kid seemed all weak, all limp, but the guy on the right, it was like every muscle was still primed and ready to react as he lay there."
Steve directed his gaze towards Dr Keller. "And it's stupid you know, to draw any conclusions from that, after all I just found them lying there, didn't know them from Adam. But I looked at them and it was like I somehow knew what had happened. And now it seems the scene I imagined then has become my nightmare now."
"Do you want to tell me what you dream, or what you imagined?"
"I imagined them being tied up and left there, lying there looking at each other, knowing they couldn't move. And I imagined the skinny kid starting to panic, starting to thrash around a little, so the noose starts to tighten and he panics all the more." Steve's speech became more rapid, "but the more he panics the tighter the noose gets until he flinches that final time and that's it. He gasps for that final breath of air but it's not there and then his eyes roll back and it's all over. He's left there, looking all scared and his body's all deflated. And during it all, his buddy's lying opposite him, never moving an inch. I thought about him lying there, looking at this skinny kid with his eyes rolled all the way back so there's just these little white mirrors staring back at him. It's him I thought about most, the big guy. I wondered what he did, did he scream at him to calm down and lie still? Or was he too frightened to even do that much? Did he just hold his breath, close his eyes, keep as still as possible?"
Steve looked down at his own incapacitated body. "And I thought about him looking down at his own body. I thought about him feeling the blood in his veins, actually feeling it in there as it flowed through his body. Feeling his skin wrapped around the flesh and muscles. I imagined him lying there for hours, waiting patiently, praying he'd be found. And I thought about him testing the waters, flexing a muscle ever so slightly just to feel the noose tighten."
He paused and replayed the scene he'd created in his own mind again. "I imagined he'd laid there patiently for hours, but he was exhausted, and he looks over at the white eyes in the darkness. And he thinks to himself, 'what happens if I fall asleep and then I have a nightmare, or I wake suddenly and forget where I am, or flinch? What if it happens, and I don't even know about it?' And he looks down at his body, and he can feel the blood in his veins but he's been so still for so long he really thinks he might be paralysed. Like some self-defence mechanism in his body has cut the power to stop him from hurting himself. But he knows, he knows his body is strong, that he has muscles in his arms and legs that can still kick and punch. And that's how I imagined it, that the look on his face was determination, and that every muscle in his body was still primed, ready to spring into action again. He looked at his friend and he thought 'not me, I can do this, I can do this'. I thought what I'd do in that situation, looking down at my body, knowing that it was at my command, and never mind if it was suicide, I'd do it like he did. One final burst, knowing it's futile, but futile being better than the alternative of lying there, paralysed by fear."
When he was sure Steve had finished Dr Keller asked "In your dreams, do you see the scene exactly as you do when you're awake?"
Steve thought for a moment. "Not exactly the same."
Dr Keller nodded "When you are awake, you can physically picture the two men, you remember seeing them lying together?"
"That's right"
"And when you dream what do you see?"
"I only see the skinny kid with the rolled back eyes"
There was a silence; although Steve followed the train of thought he still needed prompting. "Where's the other guy Steve?" Steve thought about it but didn't answer. "The other guy, the one who knows that he's strong but that it'll do him no good?"
"In my dreams, I think that guy is me" Steve confessed.
"And that's how you feel now?" Dr Keller asked gently.
"I can feel the blood, I know my body is at my command, that I can still kick and punch but…." He had to clear his throat a couple of times before he whispered tightly " ….but I'm paralysed."
"Yes you are" Dr Keller nodded slowly, knowing Steve's admittance and his confirmation marked an important point in Steve's progress.
"And I'm scared" he continued without prompting, "really scared of just lying here forever waiting for somebody to untie me." The strength in his voice began to leave him as he added, "I'd do it now, if I could. To hell with the consequences, I'd give anything if I could just let my muscles explode that one last time."
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"Story time's over for today is it CJ?" Mark asked as the young boy sat in the doctor's lounge. He moved to the corner and pored himself a coffee, holding it up to Amanda but she shook her head 'no'.
"Steve had to talk to his other doctor about what makes him scared" CJ replied in a matter of fact tone.
"Oh I see" Mark replied, a little taken aback. He sat the coffee-pot down and sipped the bitter liquid, his face revealing just how bad it was.
"Sweety, can you wait there while I talk to Mark for a moment?" Amanda asked, running a hand across the young boys head.
"Sure" he replied, never once moving his eyes from the TV set in the corner of the room.
"What is it?" Mark asked as Amanda led him out of the room.
"I know it's maybe not any of my business Mark" she started "but I was just wondering about that thing with Steve."
"Thing?" Mark asked, plainly thrown by her question.
"Before that bitch of a reporter had her go at Steve the other day, we were talking about, well you know….." she raised an eyebrow.
Marks face hardened. "Amanda, I appreciate your concern but, well I'm not sure if I even should have mentioned it the other day. Steve was upset and I was caught off guard." He hoped she wouldn't realise that he was simply dodging the issue.
"But it's all OK now? I mean as 'OK' as it can be right?"
Mark didn't have to think too long before he answered. Ordinarily he'd never lie to Amanda, but this wasn't an ordinary conversation and there was no way he could tell her about the promise he'd made to his son. "Yes Amanda" he lied "everything is alright now."
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Chief Masters and Cheryl were in a huddled conversation as Mark rounded the corner towards Steve's room. The pair looked up at Mark but continued with their discussion. Mark paused outside Steve's door and the two familiar figures walked towards him.
"Take a break" Masters told the young uniformed officer by the door. "Dr Sloan" he smiled "a word please."
"What is it?" Mark asked, his eyes darting back and forward between the two him and Cheryl.
"There's been another murder, earlier yesterday evening." Masters stated grimly.
Mark looked towards Cheryl and could immediately see the anguish on her face.
"Are you alright?" he asked her and she nodded.
"I'm fine thank you Mark." She looked towards Masters for confirmation before carrying on. "It was our guy for sure, and he left another threat."
"Towards Steve?"
"No, this time the threat was meant for me only" Cheryl shrugged.
"I see." Mark knew by the tension between Cheryl and Masters that there was more to this than met the eye.
"What worries us" Masters continued "Is that he didn't threaten Steve." On Mark's confused look he explained "it implies that he knew Steve wouldn't be investigating."
"He knows Steve is in hospital?" Mark gasped.
"Thanks to that reporter half the world probably knows Steve is here" Cheryl observed grimly.
"Do you think we should move him?" Mark asked.
"No, he'll be fine here. He's got 24hour guard, he's safe." The Chief assured him.
Masters and Cheryl exchanged glances once again. "What else aren't you telling me?" Mark demanded.
"I didn't want to worry you, but I think somebody may have been at the beach house a couple of nights ago" Cheryl confessed.
"When exactly?" Mark implored, wondering why she would keep such a thing from him.
"The night you stayed late to talk about Doctor Keller's visit. When I got back, got out of my car I thought somebody was watching me. I didn't want to over react but now I figure it's not worth taking a risk."
Master added "there'll be an officer outside your place round the clock from now on too."
At that moment Dr Jones joined the group outside Steve's room.
"Have you spoken to him yet Mark?" Dr Jones asked.
"Arnie, not yet, something else has come up. I know you don't want to put this off but let me do this in my own time."
"Mark you know how important this is" the other Dr told him.
"I know Arnie, just give me some time"
"The situation with Steve has…..changed?" Masters asked guardedly as Dr Jones moved off towards another room.
Mark shrugged "Arnie thinks he'd be more comfortable on a ventilator. His breathing is more laboured today but I know how much Steve wants to avoid ventilation. I need to talk to him about it, see if we can work something out."
"Then I don't think we should tell him about the Waters murder" Cheryl said to Masters.
Mark shook his head "Steve won't appreciate being kept in the dark Cheryl, he already feels redundant. I think we should keep him up to date on this."
"As long as you don't think it will set him back any" Masters shrugged.
The uniformed officer returned to the seat by the door with a Styrofoam cup in his hand.
Mark looked at Cheryl "want to come in with me, we can bring our bad tidings together?"
"I tell him about the murder and you tell him about Arnie?" she raised her eyebrows.
"C'mon" Mark smiled, squeezing her arm "there's safety in numbers, we'll tackle him together."
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Cheryl stroked a lock of hair back from Steve's brow. His eyes fluttered open for a moment then fell gently closed again. Cheryl smiled at him as he slept, his chest rising and falling with the slightest hint of a struggle. The defensiveness that he proudly displayed like armour slipped from his face in sleep and left in its place the faintest hint of a peaceful smile. Again his eyelids fluttered and then through two tiny slits he looked towards Cheryl.
"You fell asleep" she whispered.
"Mmmm, must have been your scintillating conversation" he smirked.
"Oh, you're so brave when you know I'm not allowed to hit you Sloan" she teased.
"Where's dad?" he asked groggily though his eyes were now fully open.
"He went to tell Dr Jones that, for the moment at least, you've won on the ventilator front."
Steve beamed widely, the relief abundantly obvious. "I know my breathing sounds a little shaky but I do feel fine."
"I believe you, thousands wouldn't" Cheryl commented, whilst beginning to yawn.
"You look like you could use this bed more than me" Steve laughed, then blushed when he realised the faint suggestiveness of the offer.
"Bunch over and I'll climb up there with you" Cheryl grinned, raising an eyebrow.
"Are you taking care of yourself?" he asked solemnly.
"Yes I am, I promise" she whispered, hearing the heartfelt concern in his voice.
"Want to tell me more about this Emily Waters?"
"Not much more to tell. Same scenario, no immediate leads or links to previous victims. Forty two year old divorcee, ex has a water tight alibi, nice lady, no enemies."
"All the things we detectives hate to hear?" Steve concluded.
"Pretty much."
"And the trinket?" he asked
"None" Cheryl shook her head.
"But the other dolls all had something with them right?"
Cheryl thought about it then counted them off on her fingers "Valerie Shomes money, Genie Andersons bottle top, Katriona Bennets map"
"And now nothing?" Steve screwed his face up as he thought about it.
Cheryl pulled some photos from her pocket. "There's the doll," she said, holding the photos in front of Steve's face. "Just a doll, nothing in it or with it."
"What are the other photos?" he asked.
Cheryl shuffled through them nervously, contemplating whether or not to tell Steve about the threat made against her last night. She decided Mark was right, Steve deserved to be kept up to date.
"We found one of the dolls," she said.
"I know, you said it had nothing with it."
"I mean one of the dolls from the photos, the photos of us that were sent to the station."
"It's a fifty-fifty chance, are you gonna make me guess?" he asked.
"It's me" she smiled holding up the photo. "A little 'me doll' all cut up in pieces" she giggled.
Steve knew it was a nervous laugh "any clues with it?"
"I'm wearing a little watch that the others didn't have" she pointed to a spot on the photo, "maybe he just knows I like to accessorise with fine jewellery, maybe it's something else."
"Such as?"
"Masters thinks maybe he's goading us, the investigation, you know like we are taking too long to stop him, he's too fast for us, something like that." She shook her head "I just can't think straight sometimes."
"I know what you mean. I lie here with my eyes closed, and you'd think it would be easy to switch off, but it's like since my body fell asleep my minds woken up. I shut my eyes and the thoughts keep buzzing around my head, pinging off my eyelids."
"We need a vacation" Cheryl told him as a smile lifted the corners of her lips.
"Great idea, think the department would pay?"
"Sure, where should we go?"
"Hawaii would be good, plenty of surf, you know I've been thinking I really must get out more. I'm turning into a real couch potato these days."
Cheryl and Steve laughed together for a long while, both of them happy to forget reality and their problems. When Mark interrupted them they were talking themselves into cocktails on a moonlight beach.
"Sorry to spoil all the fun" Mark grinned. "I just spoke to Arnie, he didn't like what I told him but he agreed to our terms. You have to promise to let somebody know if you feel short of breath or inhibited in any way by your breathing. You'll be monitored four times a day but as long as there's no further deterioration you can stay as you are."
"Thanks dad, that's great" Steve smiled, then winked towards Cheryl who was now dozing in the chair. "I think our trip wore her out, take her home will you?"
"Cheryl honey, wake up" Mark said softly, squeezing her shoulder. "I'll drive you home."
"Your scintillating conversation" she muttered in Steve's direction.
"Make sure the guys are set up in a sensible spot outside the house when you get there OK?" Steve reminded Cheryl.
"You told him about that?" Mark asked.
"Of course, I keep my partner up to date with all the information in an investigation, isn't that right?" she smiled, pleased to see the crinkle of laughter that remained around Steve's eyes.
"Of course" Steve agreed. "See you later."
"Take it easy with those cocktails" Cheryl warned him as she turned and closed the door.
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