Chapter 15
"C'mon honey, wake up" Amanda whispered soothingly into Steve's ear as he lay murmuring in obvious distress. "It's another bad dream Steve, just open your eyes, OK."
Steve wearily complied and as he did so turned his head slightly towards his friend.
"That's an improvement" she smiled but Steve didn't respond.
"Any more news on Peters?" he eventually croaked.
Amanda shook her head, "No change, still in ICU. You know" she continued, "it's possible he may never regain consciousness."
"I know. And in that case we'll never understand why he…." tears welled in Steve's eyes.
"Want to tell me about it?" she asked gently.
Steve groaned. "It's been a week now, but it feels like an eternity. Every time I'm alone in here, when I close my eyes, when I try to sleep it all happens, over and over again. I lie here and listen to them struggle, then I hear the shots and dad's cries from the corridor."
"It'll get better" Amanda smiled squeezing his arm tightly. Steve looked down as he felt the faintest pressure being applied.
"I know it will" he croaked. "I know it's crazy, but just lying here, not being able to switch my brain off, all the awful possibilities go round and round my head." After a long hesitation Steve whispered "When I go to sleep, I see her, I see all the times we'd never spend together." His eyes glistened as two tears waited patiently to be released. "Every time I wake up, I forget, and she's dead again." The tears broke free of their barriers; "I wake up and for the first few seconds I can't tell what's real and what's not, what happened and what I dreamed. Amanda, it's like I lose her every day."
Amanda smiled and clasped his hand firmly. "And then you get her back" she beamed and Steve grinned in response. "After those first few seconds you remember that she's still here, and that she's going to be alright. The nightmares will pass Steve, and you can concentrate on dreaming about all the good times you two will spend together."
"I don't know what to tell her" Steve confessed weakly. Amanda shot him a puzzled look. "When she came in here that night, after she'd shot Peters, she was soaked in blood. Officer Dawson was lying out there with his throat slashed and I couldn't think how to comfort her. Dad was here telling me everything was alright, Cheryl had a stab wound almost identical to Jesse's but she'd be OK, she was just in shock." He rolled his eyes. "I guess I could have been forgiven for claming up, it was all such a blur, a shock for me too. But since then, when she's visited, I haven't known what to say, what to tell her and what to keep to myself."
"Do you love her?" Amanda asked sharply, taking Steve by surprise.
"Do I….do I?" he stuttered "…..well….yes, yes I do."
"Then tell her that and keep nothing to yourself" Amanda told him. "She needs to know how you feel Steve, what you think."
He grinned impishly, "it's funny you should say that, I heard something similar from another beautiful woman not long ago."
"Well she sounds very sensible. And from everything else I know about her she seems like she may just be able to keep you in line, so don't let this one get away, OK?"
"OK" he promised as Amanda lent over and kissed his forehead.
"Just remember" Amanda implored him, "say the important stuff today, while you have the chance, the rest can wait. You'll have plenty of time to talk." She pressed her cheek to his, hugging him as best as she could given his position. The door behind them opened and Cheryl appeared in the doorway.
"Not interrupting?" she laughed timidly.
"Perfect timing" Steve called back "I'm being taken advantage of here" Amanda squeezed his cheeks and kissed him quickly. "Pervert" he exclaimed in exaggerated disgust, "get her off me."
"Must be a hard life" Amanda chirped back, winking at Cheryl as she reached the door, "lying there while all these women throw themselves at you."
"Goodbye Amanda" he replied sternly and she took the hint to leave.
"I'm gonna have to watch you Sloan" Cheryl chided him as the door closed, "now you are starting on the road to recovery you may get ideas above your station."
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Several weeks later Steve and Cheryl found themselves again alone together in the same hospital room. Steve's face was serious as he looked across at his partner. She sat rigidly in the chair by his bed, leaning towards him with a hand rested on his arm. As Steve had begun to regain his strength he had been allowed to sit up again, though he was still helped by a few strategically placed pillows.
The take away cartons were still in their wrappers on the bedside trolley. Tonight Steve had asked if they could leave the food for a while, first, he'd said, he had something important he wanted them to discuss. Inwardly Cheryl was shaking, the awful possibilities of what he may want to tell her racing through her mind.
"This isn't easy for me" Steve eventually whispered "so hear me out, OK?"
Cheryl nodded and her hand absentmindedly stroked his wrist. He couldn't help but smile as he felt the tiny shivers run up his arm.
"I've been thinking. Nobody seems to know how long any of this is going to take," Steve threw a casual glance down towards his feet "and what I decided is," he gulped "well, it's not like we ever really progressed to that other 'we' we talked about, so I think it would be best for both of us if ...."
Steve stopped mid sentence as Cheryl released his arm and lent back defiantly in her chair. She took the opportunity to clarify his statement so far.
"Never progressed to the other 'we'?" her eyebrows were raised and her voice was pitched high, not believing what she'd heard. "So what do you call these last weeks, has that been the friends 'we' or the colleagues 'we', the stuff we've talked about, the way we've been around each other?"
"Thought you agreed to hear me out"
"Thought you had something serious to say" she retorted
"How do you know I don't?"
Cheryl twisted her mouth as she thought, then looking straight into Steve's eyes invited him; "OK, go on"
He sighed deeply "I'm just not sure that there's any point to this Cheryl, I can't help you when you need it most. And you could be off meeting new people, doing normal stuff, you should be…."
She shook her head "hold it, is that how shallow you think I am? Don't push this onto me, just because you're scared of how you feel, or of what's happened to you, or…."
"What do you gain by visiting me every day when I can't even reach out and touch your hand or take you to dinner?"
Cheryl's face showed anger and frustration now "So you do think I'm that shallow, that all I want from a relationship is fancy dates and a bit of fun. There is a point to this Steve, the point is we're really getting to know each other, or at least I thought we were."
Stalemate. Both had said more than they'd have liked and in a way which didn't help. From almost shouting over the top of each other they now sat in silence. Steve closed his eyes. Cheryl recognised it as his only defence as he still found it a struggle to turn away and couldn't leave the room. Though she wanted to continue this, she knew it was only fair to tread gently. She lent forward again, closer this time.
"Tell me" she whispered.
There was no response at first, then with eyes still firmly shut Steve asked "tell you what?"
"What it is you really want to say, the real reason you're pushing me away." Cheryl smiled. The past few weeks hadn't been easy. Steve had run hot and cold as he struggled to come to terms with the length of time it would take for him to make any sort of a meaningful recovery. But somehow tonight he seemed more determined in his anger, more pessimistic, and it hurt Cheryl deeply. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Steve, but she wouldn't let him throw their relationship away without a fight. "I'm not buying that crap about not being able to take me out for dinner and dancing, I know you're too cheap for all that stuff anyhow" she told him gruffly, hoping he found her joke amusing. "Tell me what this is about."
"OK, you're right, I'm scared."
"Of what?" Cheryl tried not to sound weary, but she felt they'd been down this road before.
Steve sighed heavily as though the answer was obvious. "What use am I to you like this?" Again his eyes scanned down the bed. Scorning he faced her again. "When that psycho was in my room, telling me what he'd done, what he was going to do, I couldn't even warn you. When you used yourself as bait at the beach house I lay awake all night thinking of what might be happening to you. And then when he came back and I heard those shots." Tears welled in Steve's eyes "I was just lying here Cheryl!"
"You're scared because you can't protect me? I told you before I don't need you to pro…."
"I'm scared because of the way I feel." Steve cursed himself time and again for never following Amanda's advice. There had been so many opportunities in the past few weeks to say those three words he needed Cheryl to hear, but he'd always found a way to put it off. He paused and then clarified "Yes I'm sacred by all of this" his eyes opened and again scanned down the bed. "But I'm terrified when I realise how good it feels just having you there beside me" he admitted bashfully, the colour rising in his cheeks.
Cheryl forced back a smile in fear of appearing insensitive or smug. The real reason behind her expression was not only relief, but also because of the fond memories she was focusing on now.
"Do you remember my birthday?" she asked cheerily, and without waiting for a reply continued "after that night you told me something. I said I was frightened when I realised how good it felt having you there beside me. You told me that it wasn't a weakness, nothing to be ashamed of. You said there was a difference between needing somebody and wanting somebody. Did you mean that?"
Steve summonsed the weakest of nods, blinking to emphasise it all he could.
"Do you want me Steve?" Cheryl asked flatly. Seeing his eyes switch emotions she went on; "I'm serious, forget about what you think is best for me, or what you should be able to do for me, I'll look after myself OK. Just tell me, do you want me here, do you like the time we spend together?"
There was no reply.
Cheryl sighed "Do you like the other 'we'?, because Steve, there is another 'we'"
"Yes", barely audible.
"Well so do I" she smiled, "so I don't see what the problem is."
Steve closed his eyes again, and Cheryl waited for him to speak. When he did she had to strain to make out his words. "You deserve so much more." Cheryl shook her head. Though Steve couldn't see it, it seemed he sensed her dismissal of his last statement. "Don't tell me you don't want more" he began, and Cheryl cut him off again
"Yes Steve, yes I do want more, is that what you want to hear? Try this, I want more but what I want, what I need, more than anything, is you. Steve I want you to be well again so that you can reach out and touch my hand or take me to dinner, I want us to give this a go. It'll happen, you're going to get better"
"But they don't know how long!"
"So it's Chinese take out here for a while longer" she joked, and for a moment the mood of the room changed as they sat smiling broadly at each other.
"What if it's a long while?" Steve asked, the slightest hint of a quiver in his voice.
"Then we'll see if the take-away can give us a discount card." This time Steve didn't laugh.
"What if it's…" he didn't finish the sentence.
Cheryl waited a moment then prompted him; "what?"
"No, nothing" he insisted, but she wasn't accepting that as an answer.
"Tell me" she demanded.
"What if it's 6 months, or a year, or never?" he spat.
"I'll be here. I promise"
"I shouldn't have said that, I don't want to make you feel like I'm pushing for some sort of commitment, so lets say no promises, OK?"
"Why?" she asked, almost out of sheer awkwardness alone.
Steve sighed deeply. "Cheryl, I don't know what I'd do, I mean I'm already so used to seeing you every day, the other 'we', I don't want you to make any promises..."
"You mean you don't want me to break them" she corrected him.
Steve swallowed hard. "Let me start again OK?"
"If you must"
"I've got used to having you around, and I like it a lot. When I thought you were…that something bad had happened to you, I felt like the world had fallen in around me." Cheryl couldn't help but notice her heartbeat quicken as Steve sat talking to her like this. But it appeared that Steve was totally unaffected by the romantic notions he was admitting so freely.
"When I dream about what happened to you, and I wake up suddenly, I forget the truth and you die all over again. It may only last a second but I grieve so much for you in that short space of time. We may have something, here and now, but I have a long road ahead of me and it's not one I can expect you to travel with me. There is no way of knowing if 'we' could really make it, I mean in real life, on a normal day to day basis." His lips showed the hint of a smile and he looked longingly at Cheryl. "I'm very grateful for what we've had, all that you've given me whilst I've been in here, but good things never last. So maybe it's best that we part as friends, finish on a high note so to speak, sooner rather than later." He'd run out of euphemisms. Cheryl tried to read the emotions in his face to see if they concurred with his statement or gave his true emotions away. He looked scared, she thought, and upset, but he really did look serious.
"Sooner rather than later" she repeated, a questioning tone in her voice. "Is that because we are both such quitters or because you have such little faith in me?"
"I'm serious," he retorted "I just figured it'd be better for us both if you left now. The longer we leave it the worse it'll be".
Cheryl shook her head in disbelief and cupped Steve's face in her hands. "Now I know why you never married, if that's the attitude you take into a relationship. You really think you've got it all worked out huh?
Steve tried to nod as Cheryl began to grin "I got news for you Sloan, you just aren't as smart as you think."
With her hands still clamped tightly to his cheeks she brought her face up until it was almost touching his.
"Come on, I don't want to listen to all this 'Moody Blues' crap all night, you're ruining what should be a perfectly pleasant evening. I expect my date to be charming, funny, and knowledgeable. So leave the mind reading for a while and brush up on the basics, OK?" Steve tried to hide a smile. "If I have doubts I'll tell you, but don't try and second guess me. You're frightened I'm going to leave you? Well if I do it won't be because of your health OK. I know what I need to about your condition, and I know how I feel about you. I'm here because I want to be, not out of friendship or professional courtesy, or pity. I'm here for you Steve Sloan, and hand on heart I've got no plans on going anywhere."
Bringing her lips up to his they kissed, hesitantly at first, and then deeper, a kiss fuelled by needs and wants together. Cheryl let her fingers tangle through his hair, supporting his head as he desperately strained, as he always did, to raise it forward from the pillow.
When they finally parted Steve smiled openly. But as he gazed at Cheryl longer the frown crept across his face again. "Have you ever let anybody break up with you?" he asked, and she couldn't tell if it was a serious question or not. She thought about it.
"Do you really want to break up?" she asked, though she was sure their kiss had just answered the question. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me here anymore. Tell me you don't feel something for me and I'll go."
Steve shook his head weakly. "That's not what I want, but sometimes I just think.."
"Well maybe you shouldn't Sloan. Stick to something you're good at instead."
"I told you before, I'm not much good for anything lying here" he desperately hoped she would follow his train of thought.
"Oh, I don't know about that" she giggled, and lent forward again, letting her lips press against his for the briefest of moments.
"I'm sorry" he croaked.
"Hey, don't" she whispered softly, her fingers brushing up and down his cheek, attempting to calm him as she saw his Adams apple rise and fall slowly.
Steve gazed deeply into Cheryl's eyes.
"I am sorry. I just thought how much it hurt when I thought I'd lost you then, and when I thought how much harder it would be to lose you later instead…."
"The jury accept a plea of self defence" she smiled. "Now perk up, we've got cold take away to eat."
"And if I'm not hungry?" he asked mischievously.
"Then we skip dinner"
"And move straight onto the dancing?" he laughed.
"Something like that."
Cheryl stood, shuffled over to the bed and took a seat next to Steve. She sat up higher than he did, her legs tucked up beside herself and an arm draped around the top of his head. He managed to tilt his head until it was resting warmly on her shoulder. He smiled up at the beautiful face above him, hoping to look suave and seductive as opposed to grinning and desperate. She played with a strand of his hair, twisting it around her fingers as she sunk closer to him.
"On this hot date you have planned for me Sloan" Cheryl breathed into his ear, "do we skip dinner?"
"Quite possibly" he opened his mouth slightly, feverishly anticipating her kiss.
She slid down the bed a little, leaning closer, her lips tantalisingly close to his. "Do we skip dancing?" she rasped.
"Oh god, dancing is definitely out" he stammered, opening his mouth wider, eyes imploring her to act.
"No dinner?" Cheryl paused, pulling back, "no dancing?" She could feel Steve's body shaking as she unfurled her legs and rolled over, laying full stretch on her side. One arm snaked lazily around Steve's waist as the other continued to cradle his head. "What exactly do we do which defines this as a hot date then?"
"Come here and I'll show you" he panted.
They lay together lost in their passionate kiss, Cheryl's arm and legs shifting so slowly and carefully around Steve's inanimate body. They kissed each other, tasted each other and moaned encouragement as their mouth continued to explore and excite each other. When the frustration became unbearable Steve reluctantly moaned for Cheryl to stop.
"You OK?" she whispered quickly, concerned she'd hurt him in some way.
"Good, too good" Steve gasped in reply. His voice was ragged and he fought with each word.
Trying not to smirk Cheryl nodded her understanding and collapsed, as gently as she could, onto Steve's body. The thumping of Steve's heart as she rested her head on his chest compounded the pounding of blood in her ears. From this position Steve could just manage to lightly kiss the top of her head, and he willed his useless body to stop shaking.
"If Arnie heard me breathing like this I'd be on a ventilator" he observed timidly.
They both closed their eyes and lay silently together. When Cheryl thought Steve had dozed off she tilted her face up to his. To her surprise he was still awake, his gaze instantly meeting hers.
"I hope you aren't thinking again" she teased.
"As a matter of fact, I was"
Cheryl rolled her eyes, "what is it this time?"
"Oh, just three words" he mused.
"Three words huh?" she tried to sound disinterested. "Any particular three words?" she asked, turning away again to hide her embarrassment.
"Y'know I had them, but I forgot them" he claimed unconvincingly. "What were they again? 'Your head's heavy'?" Cheryl punched him playfully and raised her head from his chest. "No, that wasn't it," he continued. "I know, it was 'you kiss well'."
"You're a fool Sloan" she giggled.
"That's more than three words," he corrected her "but good try."
Cheryl relaxed again, letting her body mould to Steve's. She loved being this close to him, to feel his heat radiating through their clothes onto her skin. "You don't have to say it" she whispered softly as they lay together in the dark.
"No, I do. I've already regretted not saying it enough times, I don't ever want that to happen again."
Cheryl closed her eyes and wrapped her arms lightly around Steve. Sensing how hard he was struggling with the moment she squeezed him tightly. "Steve" she murmured, "I love you too."
Steve's face blossomed into a smile as he kissed the top of Cheryl's head firmly. "Ah Cheryl" he grinned, "I love you."
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