~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Three*
"One Day I'll Fly Away"
I know that they want to care. I know that they feel obligated to love me, and to be there for me. We always swore we'd be there for each other, no matter what. So I feel guilty, for despising them, for wanting them out of my life. But they want me to be someone I'm not. They want me to be the person that I was before all of this happened. I can't be that person, not now, not ever.
I moved into Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, because I had NO OTHER FUCKING OPTIONS. I hated the fact that I was so dependent on someone else, and that I lost my independence, when I sold my soul. I can feel them, looking at me, waiting for me to fall again. It's unbelievably stiffling. I can't breathe. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't find my voice.
They have all stopped by, this week, to check up on me. All of them, except Monica. I have yet to see or hear from her. Maybe...maybe she still hates me. I don't blame her, I'm an asshole. I'll be the first to admit that fact. I saw her, yesterday. She was looking out her window...her living room window, into the night sky. My lights were off, so she couldn't see me. It was the first time I'd seen her...really seen her, since that day...the day that changed everything. She is still beautiful...so beautiful it hurts. I still love her...and I always will. And that...that may be what kills me, in the end. My love for her, and my dreams of a life that will never be. A perfect marriage, a family...a house in the suburbs...a dog. It's a beautiful fucking dream, and, up until a couple years ago, I truely believed that it was tangible. That I could have it all...eventually, and that Monica would be by my side. So, why did I freak out about the baby, you ask? A couple years ago, I would have told you that it's because "I'm Chandler, that's what I do!". Now, I'll tell you that it was because I'm a coward. I dream of these things that I want, but the idea that I would be responsible for NOT screwing up some little person's life...scared the living shit out of me. Now, of course, I can't have that dream, and now...I want it more than ever. I have no one to blame for that...no one but myself.
There's a knock at the door, and I filter through my mind, who could possibly be on the other side. Phoebe, maybe, though she was here this morning with "healing teas". Rachel...doubtful...she looks at me like I have the Black Fucking Plague. My Mom would never bother...so it must me Ross or Joey. They like to check up on me daily. And I have yet to see either of them today. I open the door, and my heart actually stops beating.
Monica.
***~***
I wasn't sure he'd even open the door, but when he did, I could see that he was shocked to see me. But I couldn't quite tell...if he was mad at me, or just surprised at my sudden appearance. So I waited for him to say something first.
"Monica?" his voice was ragged, yet soft. I struggled to look up at him, but ended up looking over his shoulder.
"Hi, Chandler. How, um, how are you?"
"Um...okay. Uh, come in, have a seat."
"Okay." Oh, God, I wanted to turn around and run out of that apartment. But I couldn't...I couldn't be that rude. The walls were closing in on me, and I could feel sweat forming on my brow. I sat down, and I felt as though I was sinking into oblivion.
"How are you...Monica?"
"Okay." Uh, I just needed to get it over with. I came to apologize, and that was it. "Chandler--" Oh, don't look at me...don't look at me while I do this. I am no good at this kind of stuff.
"Monica, are you okay?"
"Yeah. Look, Chandler, I know you probably hate me, and I--"
"Why would I hate you?"
"What?"
"Why would I hate you?"
"Because...I mean, don't you blame me for all of this?"
"What? Why would I blame you?"
He doesn't blame me? I don't understand. "But Joey...Phoebe....they all blame me..."
"They do? Well, I'll talk to them...I had no idea, really."
"Chandler...why don't you blame me?"
"Why would I? I did this to myself, Monica."
I don't understand...he doesn't blame me. I've been blaming myself for so long...I don't understand where he is coming from. He crouched down in front of me, and took my hands in his. Now I really wanted to run.
***~***
Why does she think I blame her? I'm the one who did all of this. I fucking did it again. I ruined her life, again. I take her hands, and she looks like she is going to throw up. I wonder, do I repulse her that much? She is staring at my arm, and I feel all of the life...what I had left of it...being sucked out of me. I pull away, and yank my shirt sleeve down (I only wear long sleeved shirts now). I want to make her see that I never wanted to hurt her, but she is hurting me, with the way she's looking at me. She is hurting me with her silence, with her pain. It was then that I realized I needed to get away from here. Away from this life...a past that held broken dreams and burned friendships. A life that was supposed to be perfect. A love that was supposed to last forever. I pissed it all away.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Monica, " I say to her, though I can no longer look at her. I stare up at the apartment that I used to know so well, and I see Rachel, walking past the window, talking on the telephone. What I wouldn't give to have that life back. I turn from the window, and I see that Monica is looking at her feet.
"You are not to blame for any of this, and I will tell the others that. You did nothing wrong. You lost a baby, Monica...our baby. And I was the one that ran away. You did nothing wrong."
"I should have never blamed you for the miscarriage," she whispered this, after a painfully long silence.
"We can't change the past...we...everything has changed."
She looks at me, and she's crying, and all I can think about is how much I want a hit. And I know that it will always be this way. So I do the best thing I can do for the woman I destroyed.
"Monica, you need to leave."
"One Day I'll Fly Away" ('Moulin Rouge' version)
(Will Jennings & Joe Sample)
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin...to live again?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day, when dreaming ends.
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends.
One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away.
*Chapter Three*
"One Day I'll Fly Away"
I know that they want to care. I know that they feel obligated to love me, and to be there for me. We always swore we'd be there for each other, no matter what. So I feel guilty, for despising them, for wanting them out of my life. But they want me to be someone I'm not. They want me to be the person that I was before all of this happened. I can't be that person, not now, not ever.
I moved into Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, because I had NO OTHER FUCKING OPTIONS. I hated the fact that I was so dependent on someone else, and that I lost my independence, when I sold my soul. I can feel them, looking at me, waiting for me to fall again. It's unbelievably stiffling. I can't breathe. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't find my voice.
They have all stopped by, this week, to check up on me. All of them, except Monica. I have yet to see or hear from her. Maybe...maybe she still hates me. I don't blame her, I'm an asshole. I'll be the first to admit that fact. I saw her, yesterday. She was looking out her window...her living room window, into the night sky. My lights were off, so she couldn't see me. It was the first time I'd seen her...really seen her, since that day...the day that changed everything. She is still beautiful...so beautiful it hurts. I still love her...and I always will. And that...that may be what kills me, in the end. My love for her, and my dreams of a life that will never be. A perfect marriage, a family...a house in the suburbs...a dog. It's a beautiful fucking dream, and, up until a couple years ago, I truely believed that it was tangible. That I could have it all...eventually, and that Monica would be by my side. So, why did I freak out about the baby, you ask? A couple years ago, I would have told you that it's because "I'm Chandler, that's what I do!". Now, I'll tell you that it was because I'm a coward. I dream of these things that I want, but the idea that I would be responsible for NOT screwing up some little person's life...scared the living shit out of me. Now, of course, I can't have that dream, and now...I want it more than ever. I have no one to blame for that...no one but myself.
There's a knock at the door, and I filter through my mind, who could possibly be on the other side. Phoebe, maybe, though she was here this morning with "healing teas". Rachel...doubtful...she looks at me like I have the Black Fucking Plague. My Mom would never bother...so it must me Ross or Joey. They like to check up on me daily. And I have yet to see either of them today. I open the door, and my heart actually stops beating.
Monica.
***~***
I wasn't sure he'd even open the door, but when he did, I could see that he was shocked to see me. But I couldn't quite tell...if he was mad at me, or just surprised at my sudden appearance. So I waited for him to say something first.
"Monica?" his voice was ragged, yet soft. I struggled to look up at him, but ended up looking over his shoulder.
"Hi, Chandler. How, um, how are you?"
"Um...okay. Uh, come in, have a seat."
"Okay." Oh, God, I wanted to turn around and run out of that apartment. But I couldn't...I couldn't be that rude. The walls were closing in on me, and I could feel sweat forming on my brow. I sat down, and I felt as though I was sinking into oblivion.
"How are you...Monica?"
"Okay." Uh, I just needed to get it over with. I came to apologize, and that was it. "Chandler--" Oh, don't look at me...don't look at me while I do this. I am no good at this kind of stuff.
"Monica, are you okay?"
"Yeah. Look, Chandler, I know you probably hate me, and I--"
"Why would I hate you?"
"What?"
"Why would I hate you?"
"Because...I mean, don't you blame me for all of this?"
"What? Why would I blame you?"
He doesn't blame me? I don't understand. "But Joey...Phoebe....they all blame me..."
"They do? Well, I'll talk to them...I had no idea, really."
"Chandler...why don't you blame me?"
"Why would I? I did this to myself, Monica."
I don't understand...he doesn't blame me. I've been blaming myself for so long...I don't understand where he is coming from. He crouched down in front of me, and took my hands in his. Now I really wanted to run.
***~***
Why does she think I blame her? I'm the one who did all of this. I fucking did it again. I ruined her life, again. I take her hands, and she looks like she is going to throw up. I wonder, do I repulse her that much? She is staring at my arm, and I feel all of the life...what I had left of it...being sucked out of me. I pull away, and yank my shirt sleeve down (I only wear long sleeved shirts now). I want to make her see that I never wanted to hurt her, but she is hurting me, with the way she's looking at me. She is hurting me with her silence, with her pain. It was then that I realized I needed to get away from here. Away from this life...a past that held broken dreams and burned friendships. A life that was supposed to be perfect. A love that was supposed to last forever. I pissed it all away.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Monica, " I say to her, though I can no longer look at her. I stare up at the apartment that I used to know so well, and I see Rachel, walking past the window, talking on the telephone. What I wouldn't give to have that life back. I turn from the window, and I see that Monica is looking at her feet.
"You are not to blame for any of this, and I will tell the others that. You did nothing wrong. You lost a baby, Monica...our baby. And I was the one that ran away. You did nothing wrong."
"I should have never blamed you for the miscarriage," she whispered this, after a painfully long silence.
"We can't change the past...we...everything has changed."
She looks at me, and she's crying, and all I can think about is how much I want a hit. And I know that it will always be this way. So I do the best thing I can do for the woman I destroyed.
"Monica, you need to leave."
"One Day I'll Fly Away" ('Moulin Rouge' version)
(Will Jennings & Joe Sample)
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin...to live again?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day, when dreaming ends.
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends.
One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away.