AN: I know that this is a very depressing series, but I promise, this one is a bit better. Also, for those of you waiting on my other series', including my Moulin Rouge one...well, my disc got destroyed, and so it'll be a bit longer. Sorry bout that.
~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Four*
"I'm Happy Just To Dance With You"
I didn't understand. I didn't understand why he had to push me away. He practially threw me out of his apartment, almost angry with me for trying to resist. I wanted to talk more, I wanted to understand why he never blamed me, and what he was thinking about now, but he said it would be best if we not see each other again. He said it was for the best, and I just didn't understand. So I screamed at him, told him he was a selfish bastard, and stormed out. I cried. All night, I cried, and then it came to me. I finally saw what he saw, and it elated me, and terrified me all at once.
He loves me.
I never saw it before, but now, in the light of a new day, it is crystal clear. He is pushing me away, because he thinks he'll hurt me again. I want to cry...again. I began to think back, to everything he had said. I thought about the day he left, and now I see. Now I see that he has blamed only himself for my pain...and for his.
He loves me.
It's always been in his nature, really. He's always been unselfish, giving, kind. When he returned, everyone was so convinced that the Chandler we all knew was dead, and that he was replaced by a bitter, drug-taking, chain smoking, cursing, darker version of himself. But none of us bothered to try and peel away the layers, to see that the old addage holds true--you can't judge a book by it's cover. Chandler is deathly thin and pale, his eyes have sunken in, and the black circles that line them are seemingly permanant fixtures on his face. Ironically, his eyes have never been so blue. We all see a drug addict, and nothing more. That is our fault. And his curse. Last night I saw a glimpse of the Chandler I used to know, and I didn't even know it. I'm so afraid that I have hurt him again, that the Chandler that was struggling to be heard has been buried back into the darkness of his soul. I wish, I wish more than anything, that I could take it all back, and that I could make him see that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I love him. I'll always love him. And I know. I know now what I refused to see before, what I longed to see, but never really bothered to look for.
He loves me.
***~***
I had a dream last night. I was standing on a mountain, and I was looking out over the horizon. Monica was with me, and she was telling me something, but for some reason I couldn't understand what she was saying. She looked up at me, and when I said nothing, she began to cry. Suddenly, the mountain crumbled, and I felt myself falling toward the Earth. I looked up, and saw that Monica had managed to grab onto a ledge, and was pulling herself up to safety. I continued to fall, for what felt like an eternity. Monica looked down at me, and she said I was selfish for not taking her with me. I wanted to tell her that she was safe, and I was about to die, but my mouth refused to open. I woke up a moment before I hit the ground, sweating and screaming Monica's name.
Monica is mad at me. If she didn't hate me before, she does now. But it's for the best. I can feel myself sliding back into the dark place. I don't want to drag her down. I wish she could understand that.
I am having luch with Joey and Phoebe in a few minutes. I need them to understand what really happened, because when I leave again, I want them to be there for Monica.
I'm leaving, again. As soon as I can, I am going to leave this city, and this life, behind. I've hurt too many people, and the temptation to start using again is just too strong. I don't know where I'm going yet. I was thinking maybe California. Or maybe Hawaii. I could learn to surf. Though I'd probably drown.
The door. Joey and Phoebe are actually on time. I open the door, and I am, once again, shocked to see Monica on the other side.
"Monica...what are you doing here?"
"We need to talk. About what happened last night. I know, Chandler. I know why you did what you did."
What the hell is she talking about?
"What do you mean?"
"Chandler...I don't want you to shut me out. And I know you want us to leave you alone, but we can't. We can't just let you slip away again. And I know, Chandler. I know that you love me."
What? How the...I am going to fucking kill Joey. Wait, I told that to Joey years ago...how long has she known?
"Wh-what?"
"I know. That's why you kicked me out last night. You're afraid you'll hurt me, but I am here to tell you that I won't let you. I won't let you hurt me. I love you, Chandler, and I want to be here for you. Please let me back in."
Where the fuck is all of this coming from? Last night I was a selfish bastard who didn't deserve one friend, let alone five. Now everyone fucking loves me. I am so confused.
"Monica, I...you have no idea what you are up against here." She's gotta see. This is a huge mistake.
"I know, Chandler. I know that I almost lost you once, because I let you leave. I let you go, and I never thought that..."
Oh, shit, she's crying. I hate it when she cries. It breaks my heart. I hand her a tissue, and she continues.
"I never thought I'd get another chance. We both have a lot of things that we need to work out, but if we help each other--"
"Monica, I don't think this is a good idea. You have no idea how bad it can get."
"I'm willing to try, Chandler. I love you enough to want to at least try."
She *had* to fucking say that, didn't she? Now, if I say no, I'm the asshole--again. She's gonna end up hating me anyway, right? Shit.
"Okay, Monica. We'll see what happens, okay?"
She smiles, and the room lights up. She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek, then leaves me alone with my thoughts. I still have doubts, but I am also reeling from her touch. I am feeling something that I haven't felt in a very long time.
Hope.
I'm Happy Just To Dance With You
( J. Lennon, P. McCartney )
I don't wanna kiss or hold your hand,
If it's funny try an' understand,
There is really nothing else I'd rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
I don't need to hug or hold you tight,
I just wanna dance with you all night,
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Just to dance with you is ev'rything I need.
Before this dance is through I think I'll love you too,
I'm so happy when you dance with me.
I'm somebody tries to take my place,
Let's pretend we just can't see his face,
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Just to dance with you is ev'rything I need.
Before this dance is through I think I'll love you too,
I'm so happy when you dance with me.
I'm somebody tries to take my place,
Let's pretend we just can't see his face,
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Oh, oh,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Four*
"I'm Happy Just To Dance With You"
I didn't understand. I didn't understand why he had to push me away. He practially threw me out of his apartment, almost angry with me for trying to resist. I wanted to talk more, I wanted to understand why he never blamed me, and what he was thinking about now, but he said it would be best if we not see each other again. He said it was for the best, and I just didn't understand. So I screamed at him, told him he was a selfish bastard, and stormed out. I cried. All night, I cried, and then it came to me. I finally saw what he saw, and it elated me, and terrified me all at once.
He loves me.
I never saw it before, but now, in the light of a new day, it is crystal clear. He is pushing me away, because he thinks he'll hurt me again. I want to cry...again. I began to think back, to everything he had said. I thought about the day he left, and now I see. Now I see that he has blamed only himself for my pain...and for his.
He loves me.
It's always been in his nature, really. He's always been unselfish, giving, kind. When he returned, everyone was so convinced that the Chandler we all knew was dead, and that he was replaced by a bitter, drug-taking, chain smoking, cursing, darker version of himself. But none of us bothered to try and peel away the layers, to see that the old addage holds true--you can't judge a book by it's cover. Chandler is deathly thin and pale, his eyes have sunken in, and the black circles that line them are seemingly permanant fixtures on his face. Ironically, his eyes have never been so blue. We all see a drug addict, and nothing more. That is our fault. And his curse. Last night I saw a glimpse of the Chandler I used to know, and I didn't even know it. I'm so afraid that I have hurt him again, that the Chandler that was struggling to be heard has been buried back into the darkness of his soul. I wish, I wish more than anything, that I could take it all back, and that I could make him see that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I love him. I'll always love him. And I know. I know now what I refused to see before, what I longed to see, but never really bothered to look for.
He loves me.
***~***
I had a dream last night. I was standing on a mountain, and I was looking out over the horizon. Monica was with me, and she was telling me something, but for some reason I couldn't understand what she was saying. She looked up at me, and when I said nothing, she began to cry. Suddenly, the mountain crumbled, and I felt myself falling toward the Earth. I looked up, and saw that Monica had managed to grab onto a ledge, and was pulling herself up to safety. I continued to fall, for what felt like an eternity. Monica looked down at me, and she said I was selfish for not taking her with me. I wanted to tell her that she was safe, and I was about to die, but my mouth refused to open. I woke up a moment before I hit the ground, sweating and screaming Monica's name.
Monica is mad at me. If she didn't hate me before, she does now. But it's for the best. I can feel myself sliding back into the dark place. I don't want to drag her down. I wish she could understand that.
I am having luch with Joey and Phoebe in a few minutes. I need them to understand what really happened, because when I leave again, I want them to be there for Monica.
I'm leaving, again. As soon as I can, I am going to leave this city, and this life, behind. I've hurt too many people, and the temptation to start using again is just too strong. I don't know where I'm going yet. I was thinking maybe California. Or maybe Hawaii. I could learn to surf. Though I'd probably drown.
The door. Joey and Phoebe are actually on time. I open the door, and I am, once again, shocked to see Monica on the other side.
"Monica...what are you doing here?"
"We need to talk. About what happened last night. I know, Chandler. I know why you did what you did."
What the hell is she talking about?
"What do you mean?"
"Chandler...I don't want you to shut me out. And I know you want us to leave you alone, but we can't. We can't just let you slip away again. And I know, Chandler. I know that you love me."
What? How the...I am going to fucking kill Joey. Wait, I told that to Joey years ago...how long has she known?
"Wh-what?"
"I know. That's why you kicked me out last night. You're afraid you'll hurt me, but I am here to tell you that I won't let you. I won't let you hurt me. I love you, Chandler, and I want to be here for you. Please let me back in."
Where the fuck is all of this coming from? Last night I was a selfish bastard who didn't deserve one friend, let alone five. Now everyone fucking loves me. I am so confused.
"Monica, I...you have no idea what you are up against here." She's gotta see. This is a huge mistake.
"I know, Chandler. I know that I almost lost you once, because I let you leave. I let you go, and I never thought that..."
Oh, shit, she's crying. I hate it when she cries. It breaks my heart. I hand her a tissue, and she continues.
"I never thought I'd get another chance. We both have a lot of things that we need to work out, but if we help each other--"
"Monica, I don't think this is a good idea. You have no idea how bad it can get."
"I'm willing to try, Chandler. I love you enough to want to at least try."
She *had* to fucking say that, didn't she? Now, if I say no, I'm the asshole--again. She's gonna end up hating me anyway, right? Shit.
"Okay, Monica. We'll see what happens, okay?"
She smiles, and the room lights up. She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek, then leaves me alone with my thoughts. I still have doubts, but I am also reeling from her touch. I am feeling something that I haven't felt in a very long time.
Hope.
I'm Happy Just To Dance With You
( J. Lennon, P. McCartney )
I don't wanna kiss or hold your hand,
If it's funny try an' understand,
There is really nothing else I'd rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
I don't need to hug or hold you tight,
I just wanna dance with you all night,
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Just to dance with you is ev'rything I need.
Before this dance is through I think I'll love you too,
I'm so happy when you dance with me.
I'm somebody tries to take my place,
Let's pretend we just can't see his face,
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Just to dance with you is ev'rything I need.
Before this dance is through I think I'll love you too,
I'm so happy when you dance with me.
I'm somebody tries to take my place,
Let's pretend we just can't see his face,
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Oh, oh,
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.