AN: This particular chapter contains some sexual content.
~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Five*
"Wicked Game"
It's been three weeks since I left the facility. Each day gets just a little bit easier. Monica and I are slowly getting to a point where we no longer blame ourselves, or each other, for past sins. But it's still hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. I'm on my way to her apartment, for dinner. It scares me sometimes, this intensity. I love her so much, but sometimes I feel like...she would be so much better off without me.
*
She opens the door, and my breath catches in my throat. She is simply stunning. I take in her beauty, and it gives me strength. She gives me strength. She's helped me see that I can beat this, that I can conquer my demons, and that I can live...and love, again. She invites me in, and I sit down, in an apartment that I once knew as well as my own. She offers me a drink, and I nod robotically, still in awe of her, and her kindness, her beauty, her love. I want this to work, and I want us to be together. She catches me staring at her, and she blushes. My cheeks flush too, and for a moment, we are silent.
***~***
I can barely eat, I am so nervous. I don't know why. Maybe it's the way Chandler is looking at me. It's so intense, I feel like crying. I play with my food, until I notice that he isn't eating either. I suggest that we take our drinks to the sofa, and he agrees.
He sets his soda down on a coaster, and I smile, happy that he remembers my neurotic quirks. He turns to look at me, and it is then that I realize why I've been so nervous all evening. Now I know.
In a blind flash, I feel his lips on mine, and I sink into his warmth. I feel like I am drunk, yet I know that neither of us has had any alcohol. None of us keep alcohol in our apartments anymore. It was our unspoken agreement, when Chandler returned. Chandler pulls me closer, and my thoughts return to the present. He slips his tongue into my mouth, and I feel my heart beating so fast, I think it's going to explode. My hands move up to his hair, and his lips move to my neck. I know that there is no turning back tonight.
***~***
She feels so soft, and smells like raspberries. I take in every sensation, as though it was the first time I'd ever touched her. In a way, it is. I am a different person today. I am more fragile, yet I am stronger. I let my hands roam her shaking body, and I hear her moan my name. And it fills me with an indescribable joy. I tug at her shirt, and know that there is no turning back.
She pulls at my shirt, and I sit up, and pull it off. It was then that we are both reminded that everything is different. She is looking at me, and I've never felt so self conscious in my life. I want to scream, but I am terrified.
***~***
He pulls off his shirt, and everything comes flooding back to me. His torso has all kinds of strange scars, and track marks line his arms. I find myself staring, and I know that he is uncomfortable. I have to do, or say something, but I'm not sure that anything I say would suffice. I can feel him start to tense up, and I'm afraid that he's going to leave. I begin to run my fingers lightly over his scars, then brush them with my lips. I need him to know that he is still beautiful to me. He seems to relax a bit, but I can tell he is still unsure. I pull off my shirt and bra, and move back up to his mouth. He relaxes into my kiss, and I pull him closer, hoping that he will understand my initial hesitation, and my eventual surrender. He pushes me down onto the sofa, and lays on top of me. The first thing that I think is that he is so much lighter than he used to be. I scold myself for thinking that, and try to turn my attention completely to him. His hands move up my thigh, and suddenly, I don't have to concentrate as hard to think of him, and him alone.
***~***
My heart is thumping out of my chest, as I slide inside of her for the first time. She moans, and pulls me close to her chest. We find a rhythm, and soon, nothing else matters. She opens her eyes, and watches me watch her. We connect, on the most primal level. The blood rushes from my head, and I push myself, and her, to the limit. She wrigles underneath me, and screams my name. I feel my own release, and she gasps, and pushes me away. I pull out of her, and sit back, trying to decypher her expression as I come down from my first natural high in years. She looks terrified. My heart begins to slow, and the blood rushes back to my head, and I realize what she is thinking. And it breaks my heart. She looks scared, and worried. And I know that there is nothing I can say. She knows that I know, and she tries to apologize.
"It's just...Chandler, have you been tested?"
I can't speak. I shake my head, and I know she is right. We were careless.
"We should have remembered a condom. How could I have been so stupid?" she is seemingly talking to herself.
"Funny, I thought you'd at least wait until morning to regret your actions," I say bitterly, angry more at myself for not remembering a condom. Angry because I have hurt her again.
"That's not what I meant, Chandler. We have to face the fact that you were a drug addict, and that makes you a risk. I don't know anything about what you did while you were away. Maybe if you'd talk to me about it--"
"You're right, Monica, I should be telling you all about my 'glory days', not fucking you on your couch," I feel my anger rising, and I gather my clothes, and dress as fast as I can. I knew this would all blow up in my face, I knew that it would all end badly.
"Do not talk to me that way. You know I don't like--"
"YOU don't like the person I've become. And you just realized that fucking me repulses you. I warned you , Monica, I warned you that this would end badly. But you were so fucking convinced that you could save me, and fix me. This isn't a Goddamned fairy tale, Monica, you don't get your happy ending. Not with me."
"For once, Chandler, I think you're right," Monica sobbed, and ran into her bedroom, leaving me with an eerie sense of deja vu. I leave Monica's apartment, and run to my own.
*
As soon as I am inside my apartment, I fall apart. Everything I feared has come to pass. I know that Monica is right, and I know that I should have never had sex with her. What if I do have something? What if I give it Monica? The prospect is too much for me to bear. I dig through my kitchen cabinets, and pull out a bottle of whiskey. I down half the bottle, and still, I feel my new world collapsing around me. They are all going to hate me, for hurting her again. And they should. I can't believe I did something so stupid. Again. It's over, I've lost everything. I blew it with Monica, and as soon as Ross finds out, I'll have to deal with him and the others. But none of that matters, because the pain I feel is for Monica. She put so much hope into me, and she even made me believe that it would all be okay. But she was wrong. And now she's crying, and I've lost her again. I drop my whiskey bottle, and open my entertainment unit. I pull out every video cassette, until I find what I'm looking for.
"Chick & Duck Highlights, 1997~by Joey T. and Chandler B."
I numb my pain the only way I know how.
***~***
Chandler is late for lunch. It's been an hour, and I know he's not coming. I head over to his place, to see where he is. I knock, but there's no answer. I use my key, and unlock the door. The first thing I see is a cassette case, sitting on the coffee table. As I make my way into the room, I see him, sprawled out onto the floor, surrounded by his precious drugs. I feel anger rising up inside of me, and I want to smack Chandler. I want him to see just how stupid he's being. He's throwing everything away. I sit down next to him, and wait for him to wake up.
***~***
I open my eyes, and immediately, I know that something is wrong. I curse myself, for falling into the arms of my weakness. I struggle to sit up, and try to shake off the residual effects of my latest escape into hell.
"What did you do with the tape?" Joey's voice startles me, and I look up, only to find him sitting calmly in a chair, my cassette case in his hand. I focus on his question, while staring at the case. I look at him again, and I can see his sadness. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly guilty.
"I--I don't know," I whisper, and hang my head, like a child being scolded.
"We're going to search this whole place, until we find every ounce of this shit," Joey's voice is still eerily calm, "But first, you are going to get rid of what is left here," he tosses me a brown vial, and walks toward the bathroom.
I stand up slowly, and look up at Monica's apartment. It's dark, and seemingly empty. Sighing heavily, I follow Joey into the bathroom, vial in hand.
This time, I know that they aren't going to let me off so easily.
"Wicked Game"
(Chris Isaak)
The world was on fire
No one could save me but you.
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
No, I don't want to fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
No, I don't want to fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
With you
With you
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
And I don't wanna fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
And I don't want to fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
World was on fire
No one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
No I don't wanna fall in love
No I don't wanna fall in love
With you
With you
Nobody loves no one
~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Five*
"Wicked Game"
It's been three weeks since I left the facility. Each day gets just a little bit easier. Monica and I are slowly getting to a point where we no longer blame ourselves, or each other, for past sins. But it's still hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. I'm on my way to her apartment, for dinner. It scares me sometimes, this intensity. I love her so much, but sometimes I feel like...she would be so much better off without me.
*
She opens the door, and my breath catches in my throat. She is simply stunning. I take in her beauty, and it gives me strength. She gives me strength. She's helped me see that I can beat this, that I can conquer my demons, and that I can live...and love, again. She invites me in, and I sit down, in an apartment that I once knew as well as my own. She offers me a drink, and I nod robotically, still in awe of her, and her kindness, her beauty, her love. I want this to work, and I want us to be together. She catches me staring at her, and she blushes. My cheeks flush too, and for a moment, we are silent.
***~***
I can barely eat, I am so nervous. I don't know why. Maybe it's the way Chandler is looking at me. It's so intense, I feel like crying. I play with my food, until I notice that he isn't eating either. I suggest that we take our drinks to the sofa, and he agrees.
He sets his soda down on a coaster, and I smile, happy that he remembers my neurotic quirks. He turns to look at me, and it is then that I realize why I've been so nervous all evening. Now I know.
In a blind flash, I feel his lips on mine, and I sink into his warmth. I feel like I am drunk, yet I know that neither of us has had any alcohol. None of us keep alcohol in our apartments anymore. It was our unspoken agreement, when Chandler returned. Chandler pulls me closer, and my thoughts return to the present. He slips his tongue into my mouth, and I feel my heart beating so fast, I think it's going to explode. My hands move up to his hair, and his lips move to my neck. I know that there is no turning back tonight.
***~***
She feels so soft, and smells like raspberries. I take in every sensation, as though it was the first time I'd ever touched her. In a way, it is. I am a different person today. I am more fragile, yet I am stronger. I let my hands roam her shaking body, and I hear her moan my name. And it fills me with an indescribable joy. I tug at her shirt, and know that there is no turning back.
She pulls at my shirt, and I sit up, and pull it off. It was then that we are both reminded that everything is different. She is looking at me, and I've never felt so self conscious in my life. I want to scream, but I am terrified.
***~***
He pulls off his shirt, and everything comes flooding back to me. His torso has all kinds of strange scars, and track marks line his arms. I find myself staring, and I know that he is uncomfortable. I have to do, or say something, but I'm not sure that anything I say would suffice. I can feel him start to tense up, and I'm afraid that he's going to leave. I begin to run my fingers lightly over his scars, then brush them with my lips. I need him to know that he is still beautiful to me. He seems to relax a bit, but I can tell he is still unsure. I pull off my shirt and bra, and move back up to his mouth. He relaxes into my kiss, and I pull him closer, hoping that he will understand my initial hesitation, and my eventual surrender. He pushes me down onto the sofa, and lays on top of me. The first thing that I think is that he is so much lighter than he used to be. I scold myself for thinking that, and try to turn my attention completely to him. His hands move up my thigh, and suddenly, I don't have to concentrate as hard to think of him, and him alone.
***~***
My heart is thumping out of my chest, as I slide inside of her for the first time. She moans, and pulls me close to her chest. We find a rhythm, and soon, nothing else matters. She opens her eyes, and watches me watch her. We connect, on the most primal level. The blood rushes from my head, and I push myself, and her, to the limit. She wrigles underneath me, and screams my name. I feel my own release, and she gasps, and pushes me away. I pull out of her, and sit back, trying to decypher her expression as I come down from my first natural high in years. She looks terrified. My heart begins to slow, and the blood rushes back to my head, and I realize what she is thinking. And it breaks my heart. She looks scared, and worried. And I know that there is nothing I can say. She knows that I know, and she tries to apologize.
"It's just...Chandler, have you been tested?"
I can't speak. I shake my head, and I know she is right. We were careless.
"We should have remembered a condom. How could I have been so stupid?" she is seemingly talking to herself.
"Funny, I thought you'd at least wait until morning to regret your actions," I say bitterly, angry more at myself for not remembering a condom. Angry because I have hurt her again.
"That's not what I meant, Chandler. We have to face the fact that you were a drug addict, and that makes you a risk. I don't know anything about what you did while you were away. Maybe if you'd talk to me about it--"
"You're right, Monica, I should be telling you all about my 'glory days', not fucking you on your couch," I feel my anger rising, and I gather my clothes, and dress as fast as I can. I knew this would all blow up in my face, I knew that it would all end badly.
"Do not talk to me that way. You know I don't like--"
"YOU don't like the person I've become. And you just realized that fucking me repulses you. I warned you , Monica, I warned you that this would end badly. But you were so fucking convinced that you could save me, and fix me. This isn't a Goddamned fairy tale, Monica, you don't get your happy ending. Not with me."
"For once, Chandler, I think you're right," Monica sobbed, and ran into her bedroom, leaving me with an eerie sense of deja vu. I leave Monica's apartment, and run to my own.
*
As soon as I am inside my apartment, I fall apart. Everything I feared has come to pass. I know that Monica is right, and I know that I should have never had sex with her. What if I do have something? What if I give it Monica? The prospect is too much for me to bear. I dig through my kitchen cabinets, and pull out a bottle of whiskey. I down half the bottle, and still, I feel my new world collapsing around me. They are all going to hate me, for hurting her again. And they should. I can't believe I did something so stupid. Again. It's over, I've lost everything. I blew it with Monica, and as soon as Ross finds out, I'll have to deal with him and the others. But none of that matters, because the pain I feel is for Monica. She put so much hope into me, and she even made me believe that it would all be okay. But she was wrong. And now she's crying, and I've lost her again. I drop my whiskey bottle, and open my entertainment unit. I pull out every video cassette, until I find what I'm looking for.
"Chick & Duck Highlights, 1997~by Joey T. and Chandler B."
I numb my pain the only way I know how.
***~***
Chandler is late for lunch. It's been an hour, and I know he's not coming. I head over to his place, to see where he is. I knock, but there's no answer. I use my key, and unlock the door. The first thing I see is a cassette case, sitting on the coffee table. As I make my way into the room, I see him, sprawled out onto the floor, surrounded by his precious drugs. I feel anger rising up inside of me, and I want to smack Chandler. I want him to see just how stupid he's being. He's throwing everything away. I sit down next to him, and wait for him to wake up.
***~***
I open my eyes, and immediately, I know that something is wrong. I curse myself, for falling into the arms of my weakness. I struggle to sit up, and try to shake off the residual effects of my latest escape into hell.
"What did you do with the tape?" Joey's voice startles me, and I look up, only to find him sitting calmly in a chair, my cassette case in his hand. I focus on his question, while staring at the case. I look at him again, and I can see his sadness. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly guilty.
"I--I don't know," I whisper, and hang my head, like a child being scolded.
"We're going to search this whole place, until we find every ounce of this shit," Joey's voice is still eerily calm, "But first, you are going to get rid of what is left here," he tosses me a brown vial, and walks toward the bathroom.
I stand up slowly, and look up at Monica's apartment. It's dark, and seemingly empty. Sighing heavily, I follow Joey into the bathroom, vial in hand.
This time, I know that they aren't going to let me off so easily.
"Wicked Game"
(Chris Isaak)
The world was on fire
No one could save me but you.
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
No, I don't want to fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
No, I don't want to fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
With you
With you
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
And I don't wanna fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
And I don't want to fall in love
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
World was on fire
No one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
No I don't wanna fall in love
No I don't wanna fall in love
With you
With you
Nobody loves no one