AN: Okay, a couple of quick notes~um, I know these ch. are short(esp this one!), but they all have very distinct themes, that need to be broken up.
Also, to answer a few questions posed in the reviews and in e.mails...Yes, I am aware that Chandler and Monica "did it" previously...the "first time" was symbolic only. No, I've never had a drug problem...personally, anyway...and finally, thank you for the reviews...I was a little worried about this one. Now go read...and I am gonna go listen to Ewan sing some more...("How wonderful life is, now you're in the woooorld!!!") I love him.
~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Seven*
"With a Little Help From My Friends"
They gathered in my apartment, thirty minutes after I got home. They were all anxious to hear what the doctors had said, yet none of them pressured me to tell them individually. I had made it clear that I needed to tell them all together. I'm not sure why I had insisted that I tell the group as a whole. I think it was based on fear. I was afraid to deal with each person, one on one, especially Monica. And I didn't want to have to say it out loud five times. Once was enough.
"What's going on, Chandler?"
"Um, okay, I--" Oh, I hate this. I hate talking to them like this. I used to use humour to hide my pain, but now...I don't find the humour in much of anything anymore. "First I want to say that I'm sorry about...before. But that's not what this is about. I was, uh, tested, and I don't have HIV...but I'll need to get tested every once in a while, just to make sure. So will you, Monica." I couldn't even look at her. I am such a fucking coward.
"So, then, what--" Ross was clearly annoyed with me, and I could see he just wanted me to spit it out and get it over with. But I am pretty sure he's never had to do anything this hard...so he can just kiss my...uh, focus Chandler!
"The doctor seems to think that my kidney's are failing on me...and I need a transplant. But I don't have much family, and so the chances are pretty slim that I'll find a match. So...it doesn't look good." Wow, that was...not that bad, actually. I'd built it up to be this big thing. No one is talking. They are all just staring at me. Did they not understand?
"What do you have to do to find a match?" Joey broke the heavy silence.
"Uh, they have to do a bunch of tests...blood, and...stuff...I guess."
"I wanna do it," Joey said quickly.
"What?"
"I wanna get tested. Maybe I'll be a match!"
"No, Joey, you don't...this will be much, much worse on you than on me...I can't...I can't ask you to do that. I--I just wanted you to know..." There is no way Joey is doing this. I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it...
"But if I'm a match, then.."
"Joey, no. I can't risk losing you. You aren't doing it."
"Chandler, you didn't ask. I'm volunteering."
"Me too!" Phoebe piped up.
"Me too," Rachel chimed in.
"Me too," Monica whispered.
"And me," Ross said.
All I could do was shake my head. Why were they doing this? How could they possibly still love me after all that I've done to them? I put my head in my hands, and sighed. Maybe, hopefully, none of them would match.
"After everything I've done...why do you want to help me?" I finally whisper through confused tears.
"What do you mean? Chandler, we're your friends," Joey said it as though it should have been the most obvious thing in the world.
"Thank you." Everything began to come into focus, and I realized that I did have a family, after all.
***
While the others went through the rigerous testing procedure, I was put on dialysis. My first session was terrifying. They put me in this room, with all these other people waiting for kidney's. Some of them were just little kids, no more than nine or ten. They've been waiting for years. Waiting for another child to die. It breaks my heart. Again, I am hit with the overwhelming feeling that I do not deserve this. I do not deserve a second...or rather, third...chance. They put me onto a bed, and hook me up to the machine, through the catheter that was put into my arm two days ago. The process of taking my blood, cleaning it, and putting it back into my body, takes about four hours. By the end, I am so weak and tired, that I can't stand up on my own. Phoebe is there to pick me up in her grandmother's cab. The nurses help her get me into the car, because I can't even make my legs function properly. I've never, ever felt so helpless. My mind flashes back to my first days in the facility, and I feel unbelievably sad. The passenger door closes, and Phoebe gets in on the driver's side. She turns the engine over, and drives out of the clinic parking lot. For the first few minutes of the drive, we are silent.
***~***
I really didn't think Chandler could look any more sickly than he already did. But then I saw him, laying on the bed, recovering from his first session. I wanted to cry, but then I remembered that this was his own fault. I straightened up, and helped get him into my car.
We've been driving for ten minutes, and neither of us has said a thing. I look over at him, and I can tell he wants to sleep, but he is in pain.
"Are you okay, Chandler?"
"Yeah, Pheebs, I'm fine."
Pheebs. He called me Pheebs. He hasn't done that since...well, it's been a long time. I know that he wants to get better, I can see that in his eyes. But he has a lot of work ahead of him. We all do.
"How are things with Monica?" I had to ask.
"Okay. We talked. Well, I talked. I apologized profusely...several times. She just nodded and smiled. Then..."
I knew what had happened. I'd already talked to Monica. But I wanted to hear his side.
"You told her that you love her, but that you couldn't be with her, didn't you?"
"Yeah, I did," he whispered, his eyes growing heavy.
"Why? Why did you do that?"
"You know why, Phoebe."
So, we're back to Phoebe...huh.
"I don't know. Can you tell me?"
"Phoebe, you know as well as I do that I am probably not going to make it to Christmas," he stated it, as though it were a fact, not a prediction. I decided to play along with the theory.
"So? Why not make the best of the time you have left with her?"
"I don't want her to be hurt..."
"Chandler, you keep saying that, but you also keep hurting her."
"I know," I could tell by his voice that he was crying. I glanced over, and his tears confirmed my guess.
"But she is willing to love you...just let her."
Chandler simply nodded, and I could tell he was fading. His speech was slurring a bit more with each mile we drove. The forty five minute drive seemed to take hours. There had to be a renal clinic closer to the city.
"Chandler, why did we have to drive all the way out here? Wasn't there a place closer?"
"They're all full..." Chandler was half asleep. I was silent the rest of the trip, letting him give in to his fatigue.
***~***
The hospital called, and said I was a match. It was up to me whether or not I wanted to donate. The truth of the matter is, I only volunteered to get tested because everyone else was going to. I had no intention of donating. The whole process is much, much worse for the donor than it is for the recipient. I wasn't so sure I wanted to risk my life for a guy who would most likely OD again when things went sour with Monica. He did this to himself...he should have to live...and die with the consequences...right. Uh, I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But there is a part of me that hates him for doing this to us. For hurting all of us...but mostly for hurting Monica, over and over again. Part of me wished he would just...die. I know that I can't do this. I know that I can't give Chandler a kidney. And I know that, if everyone finds out, they will hate me for it.
I don't think I can risk my life for him.
"With a Little Help from My Friends"
(McCartney/Lennon)
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
and I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you but I know it's mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
...with a little help from my friends.
Also, to answer a few questions posed in the reviews and in e.mails...Yes, I am aware that Chandler and Monica "did it" previously...the "first time" was symbolic only. No, I've never had a drug problem...personally, anyway...and finally, thank you for the reviews...I was a little worried about this one. Now go read...and I am gonna go listen to Ewan sing some more...("How wonderful life is, now you're in the woooorld!!!") I love him.
~Across The Universe~
*Chapter Seven*
"With a Little Help From My Friends"
They gathered in my apartment, thirty minutes after I got home. They were all anxious to hear what the doctors had said, yet none of them pressured me to tell them individually. I had made it clear that I needed to tell them all together. I'm not sure why I had insisted that I tell the group as a whole. I think it was based on fear. I was afraid to deal with each person, one on one, especially Monica. And I didn't want to have to say it out loud five times. Once was enough.
"What's going on, Chandler?"
"Um, okay, I--" Oh, I hate this. I hate talking to them like this. I used to use humour to hide my pain, but now...I don't find the humour in much of anything anymore. "First I want to say that I'm sorry about...before. But that's not what this is about. I was, uh, tested, and I don't have HIV...but I'll need to get tested every once in a while, just to make sure. So will you, Monica." I couldn't even look at her. I am such a fucking coward.
"So, then, what--" Ross was clearly annoyed with me, and I could see he just wanted me to spit it out and get it over with. But I am pretty sure he's never had to do anything this hard...so he can just kiss my...uh, focus Chandler!
"The doctor seems to think that my kidney's are failing on me...and I need a transplant. But I don't have much family, and so the chances are pretty slim that I'll find a match. So...it doesn't look good." Wow, that was...not that bad, actually. I'd built it up to be this big thing. No one is talking. They are all just staring at me. Did they not understand?
"What do you have to do to find a match?" Joey broke the heavy silence.
"Uh, they have to do a bunch of tests...blood, and...stuff...I guess."
"I wanna do it," Joey said quickly.
"What?"
"I wanna get tested. Maybe I'll be a match!"
"No, Joey, you don't...this will be much, much worse on you than on me...I can't...I can't ask you to do that. I--I just wanted you to know..." There is no way Joey is doing this. I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it...
"But if I'm a match, then.."
"Joey, no. I can't risk losing you. You aren't doing it."
"Chandler, you didn't ask. I'm volunteering."
"Me too!" Phoebe piped up.
"Me too," Rachel chimed in.
"Me too," Monica whispered.
"And me," Ross said.
All I could do was shake my head. Why were they doing this? How could they possibly still love me after all that I've done to them? I put my head in my hands, and sighed. Maybe, hopefully, none of them would match.
"After everything I've done...why do you want to help me?" I finally whisper through confused tears.
"What do you mean? Chandler, we're your friends," Joey said it as though it should have been the most obvious thing in the world.
"Thank you." Everything began to come into focus, and I realized that I did have a family, after all.
***
While the others went through the rigerous testing procedure, I was put on dialysis. My first session was terrifying. They put me in this room, with all these other people waiting for kidney's. Some of them were just little kids, no more than nine or ten. They've been waiting for years. Waiting for another child to die. It breaks my heart. Again, I am hit with the overwhelming feeling that I do not deserve this. I do not deserve a second...or rather, third...chance. They put me onto a bed, and hook me up to the machine, through the catheter that was put into my arm two days ago. The process of taking my blood, cleaning it, and putting it back into my body, takes about four hours. By the end, I am so weak and tired, that I can't stand up on my own. Phoebe is there to pick me up in her grandmother's cab. The nurses help her get me into the car, because I can't even make my legs function properly. I've never, ever felt so helpless. My mind flashes back to my first days in the facility, and I feel unbelievably sad. The passenger door closes, and Phoebe gets in on the driver's side. She turns the engine over, and drives out of the clinic parking lot. For the first few minutes of the drive, we are silent.
***~***
I really didn't think Chandler could look any more sickly than he already did. But then I saw him, laying on the bed, recovering from his first session. I wanted to cry, but then I remembered that this was his own fault. I straightened up, and helped get him into my car.
We've been driving for ten minutes, and neither of us has said a thing. I look over at him, and I can tell he wants to sleep, but he is in pain.
"Are you okay, Chandler?"
"Yeah, Pheebs, I'm fine."
Pheebs. He called me Pheebs. He hasn't done that since...well, it's been a long time. I know that he wants to get better, I can see that in his eyes. But he has a lot of work ahead of him. We all do.
"How are things with Monica?" I had to ask.
"Okay. We talked. Well, I talked. I apologized profusely...several times. She just nodded and smiled. Then..."
I knew what had happened. I'd already talked to Monica. But I wanted to hear his side.
"You told her that you love her, but that you couldn't be with her, didn't you?"
"Yeah, I did," he whispered, his eyes growing heavy.
"Why? Why did you do that?"
"You know why, Phoebe."
So, we're back to Phoebe...huh.
"I don't know. Can you tell me?"
"Phoebe, you know as well as I do that I am probably not going to make it to Christmas," he stated it, as though it were a fact, not a prediction. I decided to play along with the theory.
"So? Why not make the best of the time you have left with her?"
"I don't want her to be hurt..."
"Chandler, you keep saying that, but you also keep hurting her."
"I know," I could tell by his voice that he was crying. I glanced over, and his tears confirmed my guess.
"But she is willing to love you...just let her."
Chandler simply nodded, and I could tell he was fading. His speech was slurring a bit more with each mile we drove. The forty five minute drive seemed to take hours. There had to be a renal clinic closer to the city.
"Chandler, why did we have to drive all the way out here? Wasn't there a place closer?"
"They're all full..." Chandler was half asleep. I was silent the rest of the trip, letting him give in to his fatigue.
***~***
The hospital called, and said I was a match. It was up to me whether or not I wanted to donate. The truth of the matter is, I only volunteered to get tested because everyone else was going to. I had no intention of donating. The whole process is much, much worse for the donor than it is for the recipient. I wasn't so sure I wanted to risk my life for a guy who would most likely OD again when things went sour with Monica. He did this to himself...he should have to live...and die with the consequences...right. Uh, I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But there is a part of me that hates him for doing this to us. For hurting all of us...but mostly for hurting Monica, over and over again. Part of me wished he would just...die. I know that I can't do this. I know that I can't give Chandler a kidney. And I know that, if everyone finds out, they will hate me for it.
I don't think I can risk my life for him.
"With a Little Help from My Friends"
(McCartney/Lennon)
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
and I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you but I know it's mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends.
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends.
...with a little help from my friends.