Previously…… Buffy had really, really shitty taste in men. Seriously. Owen? Scott? Parker? Bored now. Angel? That controlling, broody, evil half the time, follicly challenged freak? Her one true love? Gimme a break. And don't even get me started on the vamp-hoing Spud boy. But then Buffy came to her senses and started shagging Spike. Repeatedly. In many different positions. Only now Spike's dead. Really dead this time. Poor Buffy.
Oh, and Xander's puffy, Anya really likes money, Dawn has shiny hair, Tara's the first lesbian saint, Clem's got a thing for pus – uh, kitties, Angel needs to get over himself, and Willow is an ex-Jewish, ex-heterosexual, ex-witch. And everyone's eagerly anticipating Spike's message from beyond the grave. Or Nabob canister, as it were.
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"Are you sure it's a will? Maybe it's just a Billy Idol video." Xander was really hungry at this point.
"A video? How thoughtful." Tara cranked up the saccharine meter to dangerously high levels.
"I didn't think vampires could be seen in mirrors and pictures and stuff like that." Dawn pointed out one of the obvious gaping inconsistencies in Buffyverse vampire mythology. Good for her.
"We just can't be seen in mirrors." Angel spoke with his I'm-old-listen-to-me voice of authority, not to be confused with his voice of reason voice, which sounded a lot like his smooth seductive voice, which was suspiciously similar to his angry and upset voice, as well as his happy and content voice, his lost in the throes of passion voice, and who could forget his pained and suffering because he has a soul please forgive him as he walks in the snow voice. Jeez, one note acting much?
"Pffft." Dawn tossed her incredibly long and super-duper strong, shiny, glowy hair, accidentally knocking over Willow and Clem with its sheer length and weight. "That makes no sense. What about the whole lens and mirror thing that's intrinsic to photography? Sure, I'll give you digital technology, but if vamps don't have a reflection and can only be seen with the human eye, it still makes no sense. I'm beginning to think the whole vampire lore thing is just a bunch of BS. Because seriously, the whole sunlight thing? Spike went out in the sun ALL THE TIME! And garlic? How the hell did Spike consume all those wings and pizzas? And – "
"Dawn!" Buffy, Angel, Xander, Anya, and Tara all shouted at the desperate for attention teen, who was immediately shocked into submission by the fact that five people remembered who she was and acknowledged her existence at the same time.
"Can we just get on with this?" Buffy was getting impatient. Inhaling dusty Nabob!Spike had proven to be a powerful aphrodisiac and, coupled with the thought of seeing Spike's hot, tight, muscled, sexy body, even on a video, was making her horny as hell. Good thing she'd worn a panty liner.
"Sure." Clem picked himself up off the floor and opened his brief case, taking out two videotapes. Everyone sat on the floor around the TV, still avoiding the couch o' carnality. Except for Buffy, who was used to having her flesh pressed against its cushions, and Angel, who continued with his lame-ass dark brooding would-be lover routine by sitting beside Buffy, totally ignoring the fact that he had turned into a twitchy dork about six exits back.
"Here we go." Clem pressed play and sat down with a large bag of popcorn he'd thoughtfully brought for the gang to share. Clem loved movie night.
The original Scoobs and their camp followers sat transfixed as the TV lit up with Spike's last message to the world……
……which apparently consisted of bad mood lighting and hard to make out images. The only audio that could be heard was barely perceptible grunts and moans.
"I'll fix it!" The Xand-man lumbered over behind the TV and started fiddling with wires.
The picture cleared up almost immediately, revealing that the bad mood lighting was indeed bad mood lighting, in the form of hundreds of candles illuminating Spike's bedroom. The hard to make out images were the images of two hard bodies doing a hell of a lot more than making out. And as for the audio.
"…oh god…Cor, luv, that's it…oh, not again…just move your leg a little…Spike, you're killing me…Bloody hell, slayer…oh,yeah, I like that…Cor, very cor, baby…yes, yes, yes!…"
"Is that better?" Xander's position behind the TV allowed him to remain happily free of all images of hot monkey sex.
Buffy leapt from the couch and ejected the tape, her tiny, bony, desperately in need of a sandwich body shaking with embarrassment and total consuming desire. Because the only thing sexier than having sex with Spike was watching herself having sexy sex with Spike.
"Was that – " Tara's blushing lesbian face was hidden in her sweet little hands.
"Um, yeah, I think maybe…" Willow couldn't contain her formerly heterosexual shock.
"Way to go, Buffy! Xander and I have a few tapes of our own." (Like I need to tell you who said that.)
"Look, can we just agree to never speak of this again?"
"Never speak about the what now?" Xander had finished proving how manly he was by fixing the TV and wanted in on the conversation.
"Buffy making porn with her vampire boyfriend." Dawn interjected gleefully, her original reaction of 'Eww' quickly surpassed by the knowledge she could now bitch to her sister about needing therapy.
Xander stared blankly at Dawn's response, and sat down without a word, drowning his cluelessness with a handful of buttery salty goodness.
"Sorry, my bad." Clem put the proper tape in the VCR. "Spike told me to give that tape to you afterwards, Buffy. Sort of a private farewell I think he said."
"Yeah, fine, whatever." Buffy muttered, hugging the tape to her chest. "Let's do this."
Silence enveloped the room once more as the TV flickered to life and Spike's long awaited last will and testament was finally revealed to all.
Spike sat on one of the sarcophagus in his crypt, looking gorgeous and chiseled and dangerous in his black velvet shirt opened just enough to get a glimpse of his Greek statue-like abs, a cigarette in one hand and a tumbler of blood in the other.
"Right then. I'm bloody well dust am I? Cor, I never thought it'd come to this. Well, I guess I did, 'cause I'm making this bleedin' tape, ain't I? So, I've got a few things to say, and you're all gonna sit there and listen. And no running commentary from you, monkey boy."
"But I'm all good with the quipiness." Xander pouted visibly.
"I said shut it carpenter!" Spike scowled with all the evil he could from the great beyond, having nicely predicted Xander's glib reaction.
"First, I'd like to read a short poem that rather nicely sums up my existence." He set down his blood and picked up a book.
Groans came from the entire gang, except for Clem, who was munching away happily on popcorn, and Angel, who was always interested in melancholic writing.
"Perfection, of a kind, was what he was after," Xander reached for the remote to fast forward, but Willow grabbed it out of his hand a brought back the resolve face.
"And the poetry he invented was – oh, bugger this." Video!Spike tossed the book aside and took a swig of blood. "I don't know why people think I'm so bleedin' interested in sodding poetry," he mumbled. "Bloody wanker William, ruining my Big Bad reputation. Why do people obsess over that Nancy boy so much? Less interesting than the big poofter, I reckon. Now I'm fascinating." Video!Spike seemed unaware he was ranting. "All ambiguous and morally corrupt but helpful. Fighting the good fight but never betraying who I am. And I'm exceptional in bed. Or on the floor. Or up against a wall…" He paused dreamily, as did Buffy, who was mesmerized by her dead lover's image and his hints at their recently viewed marathon sex.
"Uh, yeah." Spike shook off his lust filled look. "Got a few words for each of you. Tara – "
Tara smiled pleasantly at the TV.
" – stop bleedin' smilin' so much. And get a backbone for god's sake. I've known bloody doormats that got walked over less than you. But you're a good little Glinda, so I'm leaving you my candelabras, to set the mood for those Sapphic moments."
Willow glanced over at her former lover, looking for an invite to one of those moments, but instead she got the finger from the newly backboned witch, who had immediately taken Spike's perceptive advice to heart.
"Anya. Right fine demon you were. I sympathize with the loss of powers. But what are you bloody well thinking? The whelp? You can do better. Oh, and pick a hair colour and stick with it, would ya? I'm leaving you the number of my colorist."
Anya ran a hand through her over-processed hair, disappointed she hadn't gotten any money. Because she likes money.
"Whelp. Get some exercise, man. Or at least cut back on the Ho-Ho's. Seriously. I'm worried about you. Would be damn pissed if you met your end through high cholesterol instead of one of the bloody and violent ways I planned for you. I'd leave you my gold pimp daddy necklace, which is always a big hit with the ladies, but I'm afraid it wouldn't fit around your hulking neck. So I guess you can have my radio, and the end table, and uh, the toaster oven."
A light went off in Xander's head for the first time in months. "Hey, wait a minute. He stole all that stuff from me to begin with. Cheap evil bastard."
"Moving right along. Red. Wake up, will you? You're not gay. YOU. ARE. NOT .GAY. Say it with me. Bi-sexual. BI – SEX – U – AL. Kinda rolls off the tongue, don't it? And the whole excuse thing? I'm gay, I'm, addicted, blah, blah, blah. You're a bleedin' ruddy control freak. Get some counseling before your head explodes with frustration. I'm leaving you my library, in the hopes that maybe it'll get you back to your cute nerdy roots."
"Well that's…I am too…gay now?" Willow spoke in a quiet voice, her defenses shattering as all the power was taken out of her formerly emphatic mantra.
"And on to the good stuff. Angel. Knew you'd come to see me off, ya bleedin' git. How's the hair?"
"A little dry actually." Angel responded, touch by Spike's interest in his favorite past time.
"You were my Yoda, man." Spike paused, a wide, devilish, evil grin spreading on his face. "But I got over it. You're a bloody poncy wanker who wouldn't know a good thing if it bit you on your ample ass. Mope all you want git, I'm sure the Dippity Do is a fine companion on those lonely nights. I'm not leaving you anything, except this mental image. Me. Buffy. Repeatedly. In many different positions." Spike chuckled. "Now go brood on that, soul boy."
Angel looked uneasily around the room, hoping no one had noticed how uncomfortable he'd become at the mention of his precious Dippity Do. Sweet Dippity Do. Teacher. Mother. Secret Lover. Ahem.
"Dawn. How you holding up, nibblet? Me'n you were always friends, weren't we, platelet? Sorry I ditched your whiny ass recently, but I busy shagging your sis. You understand, don'tcha little bit? Thanks for always letting' me be me, lunchable. I'm leaving you my most treasured possession – my record collection. It's all there, a lifetime's worth of bloody brilliant music: the Sex Pistols, The Ramones, D.O.A., Roxy Music. Hopefully, it'll get you away from that god awful boy band shite you listen too. I'm sure you'll appreciate it one day, plasma pack."
"Get out, get out, GET OUT!" Dawn shrieked as she jumped up and did a happy dance. "Get out of here! Do you know how much Spike's record collection is worth? Once I sell that sucker I'll be rich!" Dawn really didn't understand the idea of keeping a gift. But then again, she didn't spend much time around other people.
As the gang covered their ears to ward off the inevitable bleeding, only Buffy kept her eyes on the TV, watching Spike's demeanor visibly soften. He tilted his head low, and looked intently at the camera, eyes raised in a seductive but gentle manner. Buffy knew she was next, and quivered with near orgasmic anticipation.
"Buffy, I don't know what to say." He thought for a moment, letting out one of those long unnecessary sighs of non-existent breath, and shrugged. "You were a right bitch to me most of the time. What with the tying me up and beating me senseless and calling me names and belittling my feelings and killing my friends and the threats and torment and mind games and yelling. Always with the yelling."
Spike shook his head. His next words were soft, but full of important meaning, powerful. It was almost a purr. And Buffy loved his sexy vampire purr.
"I love you, Buffy. You make me feel alive, with breath and a heartbeat and everything. Not that I'd ever settle down and be a 9-to-5 Joe Schmoe like the bowling carpenter, because that's a fate worse than death. Or undeath. But I do like the not feeling dead when with you part. And that's something."
Buffy was weeping uncontrollably at Spike's words. She wondered in passing what got snot out of cashmere.
"I already gave you the only thing of true value I have. [sap alert] My heart. Even though I'm gone now, it's yours still. Always. Take care of it my love." [/sap alert]
"Spiiiiiiiiike," the newly sexually adventurous slayer keened. "Oh, Spike, my darling, my heart, my lov – "
"And as for the Swiss Bank account."
Seven heads snapped back to attention at the really dead sexy video vampire. Except for Clem, who kept himself busy with Mr. Redenbacher.
"Spike has money?" Buffy asked between howls.
"I'm not giving my hard-earned cash to any of you."
"But I'm broke!" Buffy sobbed. "I could only afford three pairs of leather pants, six peasant blouses, nine pairs of boots, and twelve coats this week."
"And I'm aware you're broke Buffy. But you said you didn't want my money, remember? Don't ever say I didn't listen to you. Clem has instructions to liquidate all my assets and donate everything to Jews for Jesus." Spike grinned evilly, as was his wont, since he was an evil vampire. "They do good work."
"Why is everyone looking at me?" Willow questioned as the six money-less friends glared at the only borderline Jew in the room.
"Alrighty then. I'm done." Video!Spike jumped off the sarcophagus. "Don't miss me too much, I'm sure Red can figure out a way to bring me back. Unless she's still pretending to be addicted to a non-addictive substance. Okay. Toodle-oo, cheerio, pip pip and all that. This is the end of the vampire Spike." He bowed with a Barnabas Collins worthy flourish, black velvet caressing his beautiful flesh, and then he was gone.
"So, who's up for waffles?" Xander had already begun to gather his stolen goods and was mentally reviewing the menu at Denny's.
Buffy wasn't having any of it. "Clem, is that it? That's all he said?"
"Yup."
"Smug bastard, I'll show him." Buffy picked up the can o' Spike and glowered at it. "Thinks he can leave me with some beautiful, fancy, sexy, seductive words. Angel, you said earlier that there was a spell that could bring back a dusted vampire. Well, we're gonna bring Spike back."
"Buffy, the price of that spell is very high. I'm not so sure it's worth the risk."
"God, when did you get that pole up your ass? I want Spike back. Nothing has ever stopped me from getting what I wanted before, even if it endangered the lives of others. Remember when I traded Willow for that evil box of the Mayor's? Coulda saved a whole mess of time and effort if I'd just let it go. Or when I jumped into that dimensional portal to save the world and then died, when I coulda just pushed Dawn in and saved us and our viewers from the depressive angst of the past seven months?"
Everyone nodded.
"Well, it's time we got back to good, old-fashioned, old school style Scooby work. Let's research the crap out of this spell, and then get my sex toy back!"
"Yeah!" Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Buffy and Dawn exchanged high fives like giddy 10 year olds.
"Buffy." Angel had to put the kibosh on the happiness and cheering, as it clashed with his dour and dismal demeanor. "The spell. It won't bring back Spike. It'll bring back William."
"What are you talking about?"
"He'd come back human."
Buffy's jaw literally dropped to the floor. The implications of Human!Spike swirled in her mind. So many questions. Would he still love her? Would he be strong? Would he be less snarky? Would he still have that incredible body?
"Human!Spike. HAHA!" Xander giggled like the little girl he was turning into due to his overexposure to estrogen. "It's funny 'cause I could beat him up."
"Angel, are you serious?"
"Yeah. Human, with a real soul. You could be with him Buffy, no worries. And I wouldn't stand in your way."
"Like I'm asking for permission, hair boy."
"If you do this, you need to understand. He'd be human, but he'd know the things he'd done as a vampire, feel the same pain as I do."
"Well that can't be good. Look at what a dork you are."
"Tara!"
"What? I'm not allowed to be snarky?" Tara was really getting into this idea of having a backbone.
"Look, are we going for waffles or what?" Anya patted her hungry man's arm in what she had been led to believe was a comforting manner.
Buffy considered her options. Nabob!Spike vs. Human!Spike. Memories of untamed inhibition shattering sex vs. real life fretful, annoying brooding. Vampire vs. human. Evil vs. good. Chip vs. dip.
"No freaking way!" Buffy shouted.
"So, we're not going for waffles?"
"Buffy, hon, what are you talking about?" Willow put a comforting arm around her best friend's shoulder, and for the first time in three years was positive it wasn't in a gay way.
"No freaking way do I want Spike back like that. Angel's a big enough of a doofus with a soul."
"Thanks. Bitch." Oooooh, there was still a little of ole Angelus in Angel. Loser.
"Can you imagine Human!Spike?" The gang all thought for a moment. The girls shook their heads. Xander continued with the giggling. "All soft curls and warm little breaths and weak limbs and lame-ass poetry. Does that sound like someone who can bring the multiple orgasms for five hours at a time? Give me evil, powerful, cold, hard-muscled, sly, punk-loving, thieving, blood-drinking, Kama Sutra god Spike. I want my Spike."
"Ask and you shall receive, lucky pants."
Snapping their heads around for the umpteenth time that night and putting themselves at dangerous risk of whiplash, the Scoobs stared with shock at the intruder at the door. Only Dawn, who recognized the opportunity to grab some attention for herself, managed to speak.
"Hey, Spike."
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TBC…
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Simpson's Quote of the Day: "Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk!"