Author: Lee
(Maia: actually, this is a joint creation. Lee typed it up and we both did some of the ideas)
Rating: PG 13
Description: The Final Fantasy world is introduced to the miracle medicine...... Morphine!....... If you don't know what morphine is, it's like a sedative. If you don't know what a sedative is, it's a tranquilizer. Morphine makes people..... happy...... heh, heh, heh.... this is sort of a prequel to Kenji's work...... I think it also helped that I've been drinking too much caffinated coffee lately........ MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!!!
Maia: You've gone a little over the top, Lee. Time for your morphine! (takes out a needle and injects Lee, who goes into happy hysterics) *smiles* There you go...... Let's get on with the fic......
(Note: This is after the ending of all the Playstation FF games. Possible
spoiler's. .... You've been warned.... ^.~)
Note Again: Sorry, Kenji, if anything is stolen, but has had the words
changed! It's just so funny, I can't help myself!
THE MIRACLE MEDICINE
It was a beautiful day in the Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang,
flowers bloomed...... perfect....... The perfection was shattered as a
scream rang through the air......
"Seifer! I'm gonna kill you!!!"
"What is it, Squall?" Seifer Almasy asked, appearing at Squall's
doorway. Squall tackled him.
"Where's my......" his voice turned to a whisper, "you know.....
Mr. Cuddletons?" Seifer grinned.
"Oh yeah, that stuffed rabbit you...."
"Don't say it any louder or I rip your lungs out," Squall hissed,
moving one of his hands over Seifer's neck. That wasn't where Seifer's
lungs were, but Squall didn't really know that. His SeeD training only
took him so far.
"Shutting up."
"Good. Now, where did you put Mr. Cuddletons?"
"I never took him. I dunno where he is."
"Tell me....." Squall threatened, nearing the end of his sanity
at the loss of his stuffed rabbit.
"I don't know! Fujin! Raijin! Help!!!!!" he screamed, struggling
to get away from Squall. Seifer's posse came to his rescue.
"RAGE," Fujin said as she kicked Squall.
"You should let Seifer go, ya know? It's against the rules to
fight, ya know?" Raijin pulled Squall's arm and twisted it. Squall screamed.
--------------
Headmaster Cid was in his office, watching his soap operas. He heard
the scream. He sighed and turned on the PA.
Ding, ding, ding. "This is your headmaster speaking........ Stop
making noise while my soap operas are on! Whoever is getting beaten up,
Squall, I'm looking at you, take it like a man....... That is all."
He heard another scream. He glared and turned on the PA again.
"Hey! What did I just say!?!?!?"
-------------
Squall had survived his beating, but still hadn't found Mr. Cuddletons.
He turned to Zell for help.
"Zell, I need help trying to find..... something."
"S'up, Squall?"
"Uh....... I just said....."
"Say no more! I'll help you find your rabbit!"
"Not so loud!"
"......'k....." Zell muttered, hanging his head. He perked up
again.
"Alright, this is how I find anything. I just eat my hot dogs!"
"All you do is eat hot dogs?"
"Yup, and I come up with the location right away." Squall stared
at him for a moment, then raced off towards the cafeteria, pushing and
shoving people.
Seifer stopped him.
"Squall..... you're not allowed to run in the halls. I'll have
to give you a fine and give you a weekend of detention and-" Squall pushed
him to the floor.
"Outta my way! I'm coming, Mr. Cuddletons!!!" Seifer got slowly
to his feet, brushed himself off and then chased after Squall. When he
reached the cafeteria (which took quite a while. He had to bust about 40
people for something or other and Selphie had tried to get him to join
the Garden Festival Committee, something he'd refused about seven times......
she didn't quite get it......) people were sitting on the ground, giggling
and singing, Squall among them. He ran to the cafeteria workers.
"What happened?!?!?!" he yelled, trying to shake some sense into
a teenager standing next to him, who seemed to have some sort of balance
problem.
"Well..... we didn't have any hot dogs, so we made the hot dogs
out of a strange green bush we found outside and some old grease from the
storage."
"What were the green plants?"
"Dunno..." Seifer rolled his eyes and picked up a hot dog that
someone had dropped. He licked it, thinking that a small taste wasn't going
to harm him.
Author's Note: Wanna bet, Seifer?
Seifer went instantly into hysterics and wandered aimlessly around, singing. "La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.............."
Maia's Note: Guess it wasn't the ketchup..... it was a very.... um... "happy" hot dog... How they made hot dogs out of plants and grease is beyond me.....
The worker sweatdropped and ran to find Dr. Kadowaki.
---------------------------------
Zidane was reading the Alexandrian Chronicles when he came across something
that made him scream.
"No!!!!! It can't be!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mikoto strode
into the room, stirring something in a bowl.
"What's wrong, Zidane?"
"Dagger's g-getting married...... In a m-month...... WAAHHH!!!!!!!"
"To who?"
"Steiner....."
"What?! That big ugly dope!!??"
"Uh, huh. Mikoto, get me the one thing that will kill off severe
depression."
"Booze, booze and more booze? Porn magazines, too?"
Zidane nodded.
"Should I go and buy it or steal it?"
"Steal."
"Sure. Be right back."
------------------
As for our FF9 villain, Kuja, he'd been found in the ruined crater of
the Iifa tree (it is Iifa, not Lifa, despite what some of you may think!!)
by some Black Mages. They brought him back to their village and put him
in their hospital. Having nothing to do with him, they left him lying on
the bed as he ranted about death and destruction. They couldn't do much
about his condition, so they gave him a sedative, which knocked him out.
"Nurse, we should operate on him. He seems delusional," the black
mage doctor cried.
"Oh, well... not my business......." the Terraian nurse replied,
shrugging.
"But it is your business! You're the nurse!"
"Yeah, well...." She took a needle out of her pocket and sedated
the doctor. She then left to go and find some medicinal herbs.
--------------------
The nurse was looking around and she saw a plant that looked like medicinal herb. Being the lazy ass that she was, she grabbed the unknown plant and shoved it into her bag.
-------------------
Zidane was passed out on the couch. Mikoto shook her head sympathetically
and took the porn magazine out of his hand. She walked back into the kitchen.
"Score! Now I can read the porn and drink........ I'm not even
nineteen....... but then again, neither is he....." She shrugged and sat
down, downing a whole bottle of moderately priced champagne in one go.
She heard a knock at the door.
"Aw, nuts," she muttered, going to the door. The nurse stumbled
in, a dumb smile on her face and she was singing, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! MERRY,
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!."
"What the-" Mikoto noticed that she was carrying a medicinal
bag. Realizing it came from the hospital, she sat the nurse on the couch
next to Zidane and ran out the door with the bag.
----------------------------
"Help!! Stop him!! Hold Kuja down!!!" the doctor yelled. Kuja
had awakened and was running crazily in circles around his room, knocking
things over and upturning tables. He was screaming something and waving
his arms. Try as they might, no one could catch him to give him the sedative
injection.
Mikoto ran into the room.
"Doctor, I have your-" She stopped when she saw the mass destruction.
"Kuja!!!!??!?!?!" she screamed. He turned to look for her voice and saw
her. He shook his head and continued his rampage. As he passed her, Mikoto
grabbed him around the neck with her tail. She shoved some of the plant
into his mouth. He smiled slightly and his eyes closed halfway. His voice
went strangely higher pitched and he clasped his hands together.
"Dance with me, Zidane! Dance with me! Let's all play and have
fun!!"
"What just happened?" the doctor asked, watching Kuja waltzing
with his shadow. Mikoto sweatdropped.
"I think it was the plant...." The doctor frowned and left the
room, pulling Kuja gently by the arm. Kuja was still drugged up, so he
willingly went. The doctor laid Kuja on a windowside bed and closed the
door. Kuja dreamed fitfully. Beatrix was in them and she wouldn't dance
with him. Kuja cried and rolled in his sleep. He finally rolled too far
and fell out of the four-story window, landing on the ground with a crash.
"......Uh....... my head.... wha... what happened?" he asked,
rubbing the back off his head. He realized he was outside the hospital.
Jumping to his feet, he made good his escape.
"Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Now I shall have my revenge on Zidane!!
Kee, hee, hee, hee!!!!" He ran off, not knowing that a few minutes ago,
he had been trying to dance with a fantasy Zidane.
------------------
"Oh, no!!! He's escaped! Kuja's loose!!!" the black mage doctor screamed when he checked in on Kuja and saw that he was gone. The doctor rallied up some of his medical friends and ordered them out to find Kuja. They took some of the miracle weed, just in case.
------------------------
Kuja was strolling through the forest, humming happily. No, he's not
drugged, he's just happy. He watched a bird fly by on the still night air.
Kuja sighed. This was the life.
"Ahhhhh," he sighed again. He suddenly heard something behind
him. He listened and realized that it was an Indian warcry.
"Ooh, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!"
"What the…" Kuja saw a bunch of black mage medical guys in doctor
coats and Indian headbands (little feathers and all) burst through the
bushes. They had little blow darts and one of them shot at Kuja. Kuja screamed,
dodged the dart and ran.
"They're after my blood!!! Heeeelllllppppp!!!!"
Phwt! Kuja sank to his knees as a dart got him the butt.
"What the hell is in these things!? I should be killing you right....
but the stuff is kicking in..... sooooo......" They strapped him to a stretcher
as he started to sing.
"La, la, la, la, la, la....."
--------------------
They brought Kuja back to the hospital. He was all drugged up and didn't
seem to mind one little bit. Mikoto stopped pacing as they entered the
room.
"You found him!! Thank God!"
"Yes, but..... what is that stuff?"
"I dunno.... some kind of miracle drug, I suspect....."
"Ah, well.... works like a charm......"
-------------------------------------
The birds sang once again, the bees buzzed and the sun shone brightly.
This time, though, it was on another part of the world. Cloud was sharpening
his buster sword, muttering something under his breath. All the beauty
was lost upon him....... But this isn't really important to the fic, so
I'll get to the more important stuff, which I'm sure you're all dying to
hear........ where's the morphine!!??!?!?
Anyway, Cloud was sharpening his sword. He was angry. Tifa had
stolen his manipulate materia and was seducing any man she could find.
He watched her as she skipped off down the streets of Nibelheim with about
twenty guys following dumbly behind her. Cloud was too smart to be manipulated,
so he continued to sharpen his buster sword, hoping he could whack off
Tifa's head with it.
"Yo, Cloud! What up?" Barret yelled, racing towards him. Cloud
just shrugged and glared at anyone brave enough to get close. He then saw
something that made him scream.
Yuffie was over at the pay phone. She was going to phone her
father in Wutai to check up on things. She started to dial when she heard
something.
"NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!" She turned and saw Cloud running towards
her. He pushed her out of the way.
"Cloud?!? What was that for!?!?!" she screamed, getting to her
feet.
"You almost made that collect call without dialing 1800-saveyergil!"
"1800-what?"
"Saveyergil. It saves the person you call a gil or two."
"Oh. Thanks Cloud!" She turned back to her phone and started
to dial again.
"Yuffie!!! Watch out!!!!!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. 1800-saveyer-" The phone booth she was at
suddenly burst into flames. Sephiroth was standing there, giggling maniacally.
Yuffie held the charred phone with some of the cord still attached. She
blew smoke out of her blackened face. "Gil."
"It's Sephiroth!" Tifa screamed and Cloud got up to go and battle.
Sephiroth faced him and laughed crazily. No one knew why he was here, he
just was. Cloud walloped Sephiroth over the head as he laughed. The medics
of Nibelheim ran out, sedated Sephiroth, strapped him to a stretcher and
ran to the hospital. Everyone stared at them.
"Well, you don't see that every @&^%^$% day," Cid muttered,
sitting back down to play poker with some of the town's younger citizens.
-------------------
Sephiroth, as I said a minute ago, was raced to the hospital. They put
him in a hospital bed and left him there to recover. When he woke up, he
realized where he was and sighed.
"Oi, this is definitely one helluva day," he muttered, massaging
his temples. He saw that there was a form in the hospital bed behind the
curtain next to him. His curiosity, known for killing numerous cats, got
the better of him and he pulled the curtain aside. And in the bed was......
Aeris!
"AHH!!! THE ANCIENT!! KILL HER!! KILL HER!!!!" Sephiroth screamed.
Aeris woke up and started to scream, too.
"Ancient?!? Where?!? AHH! It's Aeris!! Help!! Help!!!" she screamed.
Sephiroth stared. Aeris was screaming about herself, which didn't really
make sense, but that's what was happening. The doctor rushed in.
"Nurse! Sedatives!" The nurse ran in and injected Aeris with
some sedatives, which made her pass out again. Sephiroth was shaking.
"What is she doing here? Didn't I kill her and...." He
started to cry. "Why was she screaming about herself?"
"She doesn't know who she is!"
"But what if she gets her memory back and decides to take her
revenge on me?!" he screamed.
"Not my problem," the doctor said, moving towards Sephiroth with
a needle, seeing that he was way too over stimulated. Sephiroth screamed
and knocked the needle away.
"No! No more tranquilizers!" He ran to the window. Putting one
leg out, he turned back to them for a moment. "So long, suckers! Now to
take my revenge on Cloud! Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, AHHHHHHHH!!!!" he screamed
as he fell five stories to the ground, landing with a boom. The doctor
looked out of the window.
"Hmm.... looks like he fell on his head. Oh, well. It's not like
he uses it much anyway. If he did, he would have taken the stairs!" The
doctor rushed down the stairs and started to drag the semi-conscious Sephiroth
inside.
Minutes later....
Thump. "Ow!" Thump "Ow!" Thump. "Ow!"
The doctor was dragging Sephiroth up the stairs. Sephiroth's
head was hitting every step. Thump. "Ow!"
"Just tell me if you're getting a concussion," the doctor said
calmly.
Thump. "Ow!" Thump. "Ow!" Thump. "Waltz with me Cloud! Waltz
with me!" he said, his voice high as he clasped his hands.
"You're fine," was all the doctor said.
---------------------------
Cloud was still sharpening his sword for some reason. He had worn
it to a stick, but that didn't really seem to matter. Anyway, he'd been
there for about four days, in the same position, with the same expression.
The others found it odd, but said nothing. Until one day.....
"Cloud! Cloud! Help!"
Cloud looked up as the shepherd boy ran into town, waving his
stick.
"What's wrong, Billy?" Cloud asked, putting down his iron pole.
He finally realized what he'd done to his sword.
"Aw nuts... I mean.... Aw nuts." He shrugged and picked it up.
"Now I can use it as a staff." Billy ran and sat on the ground at Cloud's
feet, panting.
"What's wrong?"
"The sheep! They're mad! They was all actin' normal, then they
started astaggering around and bumping into each other. One of them was
laughin' and some were singin'!"
"What the…" Cloud raced off towards the sheep meadow.
--------------------------
Sure enough, the sheep were in the condition the boy had described.
None of them seemed to be able to stand. Some were singing and laughing.
"Hmmm..... should I take the opportunity?" Cloud asked himself,
thinking hard. A grin lit his face. "Of course I should!" He took out his
iron pole and chased the sheep around, poking them and basically scaring
the living daylights out of any who had only been drugged a little. A man
from Nibelheim came to watch.
"Eh, even the best of us have to take a break and play."
"But like that?" the shepherd asked, pointing at Cloud, who was
poking one of the sheep who had passed out on the floor. Cloud was giggling
hysterically.
"Um..... Maybe not...." The man sweatdropped.
Cloud giggled maniacally as he chased them for a little longer.
The shepherd boy sweatdropped. Cloud came back red in the face and panting.
His face went serious again.
"Ahem..... Back to business...... What have they been eating?"
"They was eating that green plant over there!" the boy said,
pointing. Cloud went over the green plant and took a leaf. He licked it.
Author's Note: *sigh* they never learn, do they?
Cloud sat on the ground, a dumb grin on his face as he started
to sing.
"La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la..."
The paramedics appeared and took Cloud off to the hospital.
-------------------------
Sephiroth was having problems. After awakening, he had tried to escape,
but they had tied him to his bed.
"This is torture, I tell you! Torture!" he yelled, struggling.
Aeris, on his other side, was obviously trying to make friends with him.
"Hi. I'm patient number 456. What's your name?"
"............ Sephiroth."
"Do you like Knock knock jokes?"
"............. Maybe."
"Knock knock."
"......... Who's there?"
"Car."
"Car who?"
"Car go Beep, beep!" She started to giggle hysterically.
"Oh, Mighty Jenova, please spare me," Sephiroth whispered.
-------------------------
Hours later, Sephiroth was still trying to figure out what to
do about Aeris and her obsession with Knock knock jokes.....
"Knock knock." Sephiroth crossed his arms.
"....... I won't say it!"
"Say it!!" Aeris threatened.
"No!" Aeris grabbed a pen from her bedside table and jumped on
Sephiroth. She pinned him to the bed and started making stabbing motions
at Sephiroth, who screamed and tried to get free. The doctor ran in.
"Oh my God! Nurse, sedatives!"
"We don't have any more! We've used too much!"
"Aw, nuts!" He tried to wrestle Aeris off of Sephiroth, but she
was too strong and too crazy. Suddenly the paramedics raced in with Cloud.
"Make way! New patient!" They shoved Sephiroth off of his bed
and laid Cloud on it, who was still singing. The doctor saw that Cloud
had a green plant clutched in his hand and some was hanging from his mouth.
The doctor shrugged.
"Eh, may as well give it a try." He snatched it from Cloud and
got the paramedics to throw Aeris on her bed. He shoved some of the plant
in her mouth. She started to sing, grinning. Sephiroth had started to scream.
"Cloud! AHHHH!!!! IT'S CLOUD!!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!! SAVE MEEEE!!!!"
The doctor shrugged again and shoved the rest of the plant into Sephiroth's
mouth.
"Waltz with me Cloud! Waltz with me!" Cloud got up and they started
to waltz around the room.
"It's a miracle!" the nurse cried, watching the pair waltzing.
"It's the miracle drug!"
-------------------------------------
It was another peaceful day at Balamb Garden. The birds were singing,
the bees were buzzing and flowers bloomed...... perfect..... The perfection
was shattered by another scream.
"Squall! I'm gonna KILL you!!!!" Seifer was chasing after Squall
down the hallways of Balamb Garden, knocking over people and breaking things.
I guess you're wondering what led up to this strange event........
Well, I'll tell you.....
Everyone had woken up from their drugging, all in the infirmary.
Squall rubbed his pounding head and sat up. Zell was awake and shoving
hot dogs into his mouth at an alarming speed. Dr. Kadowaki ran towards
him.
"No! Zell! Those are the strange hot dogs! Don't eat anymore!
Stop! NOOOOO!!!!!" Zell continued to shove his face with the drugged hot
dogs. He finally fell over, in a deep sleep.
"Nurse, get the stomach pump!"
Rather than watched Zell get his stomach pumped, Squall got up
and wandered around Balamb, trying to find Mr. Cuddletons. He finally ran
into Rinoa.
"What's wrong, Squall?"
"Um... Rinoa.... you wouldn't happen to know where... well, if
I was looking for something... stuffed..."
"Yes, yes, I know. You're stuffed rabbit. Now, Squall." She said
the next thing haltingly, putting accent into each word. "Did you check
the washing machine?" Squall's eyes widened.
"MR. CUDDLETONS!!!" he screamed, heading off to the laundry room.
He flipped open the dryer top and saw...... Mr. Cuddletons! Squall grabbed
him and hugged him hard, talking to the stuffed rabbit softly. He remembered
that he had put Mr. Cuddletons in the wash because he had gotten dirty.
He was going to take him in the shower, but he had been too lazy to wash
that night.
"I think I left my new trench coat in..." Seifer stopped talking
to Fujin and Raijin as he stepped into the laundry room. Seeing Squall
with the rabbit, he turned red with anger.
"RAGE!" Fujin screamed.
"Stupid, Squall, ya know? OW, ya know, Fujin, OW!" he screamed
as Fujin kicked him. Seifer tackled Squall.
"You beat me up for nothing!" Seifer yelled, punching Squall.
Squall threw Mr. Cuddletons out the door.
"Run, Mr. Cuddletons! Save yourself!" Rinoa walked in, holding
the rabbit.
"Squall, I found your- Oh my God." She shoved Seifer off of Squall,
who jumped up and ran down the halls. Seifer drew his gunblade and chased
after him.
"Squall! I'm gonna KILL you!!!!" They ran around the main hallway
several times before stopping to take a nice cup of iced tea together before
continuing. They ran around and finally raced into the elevator. They peacefully
shared the elevator as it rose to the third floor.
--------------------
Head master Cid was painting his office, a nice strawberry pink,
I might add, when the two teens ran into the room, one with a drawn gunblade
and the other with his hands up in apology. Cid shielded the wall he was
painting with his body, trying not to touch the still wet paint.
"Oh, mighty Shiva. Please protect this wall and all who plan
to paint this wall- Oof!" He was shoved against the wall, sticking to the
semi-wet paint. He pried himself off the wall and touched his back, which
was wet with paint. His eyes turned red.
"Why you little…!" he screamed and jumped on both of them.
-------------------
Seifer and Squall leaned on each other going down the elevator. When
they got out, they fell to the floor. Fujin and Raijin came up.
"Fujin.... ow... Raijin... ouch.... make a.... ow.... note......
Don't do anything... ouch.... to head master...... ouchies.... Cid....
sniff...... while he's painting.... ow... his office...."
"AFFIRMATIVE!" Fujin yelled, saluting Seifer on the ground.
"Sure, ya know? Of course, ya know? I'll write it right down,
ya know? OW!" Fujin had kicked Raijin again. Seifer pushed himself weakly
off the ground and waited for Fujin and Raijin to help him up. They supported
him and left Squall lying in anguish on the ground.
-------------------
Cid was happily listening to his Hamm radio.
"Doo, doo, doo, dah, doo, doo, doo, doo, dah, doo." He was sitting
in his armchair, tapping his hand to the beat. He suddenly realized that
he had never liked this song. So he got up to turn the station. The radio
shocked him. He glared at it and picked it up and tossed it out the window.
"Where are you now, you bastard!?!?!?" he screamed after it.
-------------------
Seifer, Fujin and Raijin were fishing, Seifer still wincing when
he moved. Suddenly, a Hamm radio fell down and landed on his head. It bopped
him, then shocked him before bouncing onto Fujin, shocking her as well.
Then it bounced onto Raijin, shocking him, before falling into the water.
"Doo, doo, doo.... ddddoooo... durgle, glub...." They rubbed
tingling limbs as they heard above them: "That'll teach you not to sing
for me!!!!"
Seifer sweatdropped and continued fishing. Dr. Kadowaki rushed
past them.
"Where ya going, ya know?" Raijin asked.
"I'm off to the other continents to discuss the plant. I heard
in the news of all this strange stuff going on." She picked up her suitcase
and ran off.
"What other continents?" Seifer asked.
"DUNNO!" Fujin yelled, turning back to her fishing.
~End of part one~
Maia: Heh, heh... I do like this one... Actually... Morphine's a painkiller... not a sedative. Part two coming soon!!