-------------------------
Kuja sighed as he realized where he was. He was back in that damn
hospital. He had to escape! He had to take revenge on Zidane! He had to
get out of the hospital and away from that crazy black mage doctor!
"Uh.... Kuja? ...... You're blood pressure's higher.... higher......"
He jumped back as the medical instrument broke.
"You need some of that miracle plant!" He moved towards Kuja
with a needle. Kuja screamed and knocked it away.
"No! NOOO!!!" He rushed to the window. "Now to take my revenge
on Zidane!!! MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA— AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" he screamed as he
fell four stories to the ground.
"Oh mighty Shiva!" the doctor shouted, running to the window.
There was a small crater on the ground..... with an unconscious Kuja in
it. "Looks like he fell on his head." He shrugged. "Eh, doesn't really
matter. He doesn't use it much anyway. If he did..... he would've taken
the stairs." The doctor (let's call him Dr. 666 from now on) went to fetch
Kuja for his examination.
Minutes later........
Thud "Ow!" Thud "Ow!" Thud "Ow!"
You guessed it..... Dr. 666 was dragging Kuja up the stairs....
Kuja's head hitting every step......
"Just tell me if you think it starts to bleed," Dr. 666 said
calmly. Sure enough, a small red trail had started to follow Kuja's head.
"Help! Someone save me!" Kuja screamed, waving his arms.
"I do have needles, you know...." Dr. 666 threatened calmly.
Kuja stopped moving.
"I'll be good," he muttered quickly.
"Good.... Remember.... just tell me if it starts to bleed....."
"I think it—"
"What did I just say?"
"I'm quiet! Jeez!"
"Good."
Thud "Ow!" Thud "Ow!" Thud "I want my mommy!!!"
"That's great," Dr. 666 replied.
---------------------
"Why?! WHY?! WWWHHHYYYY??!?!?!" Zidane yelled at the top of his
lungs, pacing the room with a scotch/rum/other form of hard liquor bottle
in his hand. Mikoto tried to calm him down, but he just swiped her away.
She gave up and sat down, to watch him..... it was actually quite funny.....
"What to do, what to do???" Zidane asked himself as he paced.
"Um..... maybe you could kill Steiner?"
"That's it!!!!!"
"No, no! Wait! You can protest at the wedding!"
"Your first idea was better... I'm off to buy assassin supplies!"
He grabbed his coat and ran out of the house. Mikoto put her head in her
hand.
"I've created a monster....."
--------------------
Zidane casually walked into the local convenience store. He strolled
up to the clerk.
"Uh... I'd like some.... stuff..."
"What kind of stuff?" the clerk asked, watching the man behind
Zidane cautiously.
"Uh... I'd like a six pack of Budweiser, a case of fine Cuban
cigars, today's lotto ticket... uh... someassassinsupplies..... and a couple
of those Playboy magazines."
"I'm sorry sir... we have all the supplies you want except for
the.... assasi—" he saw the other man leave. "— Come with me." He led Zidane
into the back room and Zidane saw, with some awe, all the destructive weaponry
he could imagine. Some little kids were huddled into the corner.
"What are they doing there?" Zidane asked pointing.
"Oh, they're my professional assassins."
"Them? They're kids...."
"Oh, you'd be surprised at what they can do..... They once killed
Garland.... Sadly, he resurrected himself...."
"Oh, well if their victim doesn't stay dead, they can't be very
good assassins, can they?"
".... Whatever..... Go say hello." Zidane went over and looked
at the kids. He realized one of them was Eiko.
"Eiko! You're an assassin!"
"Oh, yeah.... been doing it all of my life."
"You mean the six years of it?"
"Nah....... you'd be surprised at how old I am........ Zidaney..."
She gave him one of those "looks". Zidane backed away in horror.
"............" He backed away further. "I'll... just be going......
to that... uh..... Assassins R Us down the road....... Bye!" He raced to
the giant mall down the street. In reality, this was just one store......
a very, very large assassin and weaponry store...... He walked in and heard
the little door thing ring.
Ding, ding, ding.... Zidane sweatdropped. He saw who was
running the store.......... a small kid. Zidane turned red.
"ARRGGG!!!! WHY ARE ALL THE ASSASSINS IN THIS PLACE CHILDREN????????????"
He raced to the clerk (the little five year old kid) and slapped down a
thousand gil.
"Gimme all the assassin supplies I can get with a thousand gil!!!"
"Just a sec...." The kid ducked below the desk and reappeared
a minute later with a couple daggers, a few bottles of poison and a pistol.
Zidane grabbed them and muttered, "Keep the change...." A small kid entered.
Ding, ding, ding....
"Hello! How may I help you? I'm the manager of Assassins R—"
"AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!" Zidane shoved him aside and ran out
the door.
"What's with him?"
"I dunno...... Strange....." The kid cocked his rifle and left
to go and assassinate the King Burmecia. Someone had ordered him out.
"See ya..." he muttered, saluting the manager. The manager grinned
and grabbed a bottle of poison.
"I've got a job, too...." he whispered and snuck out of the store.
-------------------
Zidane was getting ready to go and kill Steiner. He had black
clothing and dye. But the dye hadn't really worked... his hair, instead
of going black, like it was supposed to, went neon pink with orange stripes.
Mikoto walked in, holding up the bottle of dye.
"Zidane? What's with the—" She stopped, noticing Zidane's hair.
"Did you read the instructions?" she asked, dropping the bottle in shock.
".............. No.............. Don't you say a word............."
"..... Would you like a hat?"
"...................................... Yes.............." Zidane's
face turned red, so Mikoto brought out a hat and some black face paint.
He ran out the door and down the darkened alleyway.
-------------------
We can't forget our soon-to-be-wed couple, can we now? Steiner
was pacing his room, muttering under his breath. Dagger came in. Steiner
blushed when he saw her. Dagger sighed.
"Steiner, we can't get married if you blush everytime you see
me!" she said exasperatedly. Steiner sighed and took off his helmet. As
he put it on the table, a ping was heard and the helmet fell to the
floor.
"What the—"
".................... whatever..........." Dagger muttered. A
noise was heard on the other side of the room. They both looked, then turned
back. For some reason, there now was a cup of water on the table and a
black cloudy thing was spreading through it. Steiner shrugged and picked
it up and downed it in a single gulp. They heard giggling from under the
bed. Nothing happened to Steiner, though......
"Damnit! Stupid store bought poison!" they heard from under the
bed.
Zidane looked at the bottle of poison. It read "Squid Ink, perfect
for dying hair." Zidane thought, If I used the Ink for the poison, what
did I use for my hair..............? He grabbed the bottle of dye from
his pocket. It read "Hemlock Poison. Perfect for getting rid of that special
enemy." In small print at the bottom of the label it said "Rendered ineffective
when used on hair. For all of you stupid people out there, don't worry........
It won't kill you......"
"So that's why my hair went pink and orange......" Remembering
the unique shade of his hair, he pulled the hat lower down on his head.
Dagger's face appeared in front of his.
"Zidane? What are you doing under my bed?" Zidane's eyes widened
and then he closed them, trying to push himself back.
"What? Who's Zidane? I'm nothing but a harmless dust bunny and
I'm DEFIANTLY not trying to kill Steiner for trying to marry you!"
"Zidane... we all know dust bunnies can't talk... We all also
know that the dust bunnies went extinct in the great vacuum war of '32......
so get out from under the bed......" Zidane opened his eyes and scowled
at her.
"........ I'm a dust bunny....." he muttered rebelliously.
"Zidane.... can you hear me? Dust bunnies don't talk!" Zidane
thought for a moment, then did some sign language.
"............. Zidane, dust bunnies don't know how to sign, either........"
Zidane glared at her and mumbled something.
"Zidane, dear, speak louder...." she said sweetly, almost too
sweetly.
"Fine!" he yelled. "I'm not a freaking dust bunny!!!!!!!!" He
started to cry loudly. Dagger sighed and dragged him out from under the
bed. He sat on the ground, rubbing his eyes and howling.
"I'm.... I'm a h-horrible a-assassin!" he cried.
"What do you mean 'assassin'?"
"I was trying to kill Steiner for trying to marry you!!" he howled.
Dagger sighed again, along with Steiner.
"We were just joking.....!" Dagger told at him. Zidane stopped
crying.
"A... a j-joke? Wh... why.... jah.. ah, eh...." He started to
jerk around and fell over, convulsing on the floor.
"Oh mighty Shiva!"
"What's wrong?" Steiner asked as Zidane shook on the floor, then
went still, not really breathing.
"He's having a stroke! Call 1800-saveyergil-911! Oh what hell,
just call 911, forget the charges!!!!" Zidane opened one eye.
"So you care about me?" he asked hopefully.
"Why you little—!" Dagger started to strangle him. He passed
out again. "Call 911!!!!"
---------------------
Zidane heard things before he opened his eyes.
"Nurse, let's cut him open and see what he was eating today!"
someone said from above him. Zidane opened his eyes and saw a black mage
in a doctor coat with a scalpel making stabbing motions at his stomach.
Zidane screamed and the nurse grabbed the doctor by the arm.
"Uh.... Dr. 666 (Yes.... he's back, everyone.....) I don't think
that's necessary...."
"Aw, nuts........ But I really wanted to!" Dr. 666 left and Zidane
heard from the next room, "Time for your miracle plant!" "..... Whee!"
"There you go, Kuja......"
"Kuja!?!?!!?" Zidane squeaked, his eyes widened and his head
started to swing back and forth, looking for the nearest exit. "Kuja's
here?!?!?!" He saw....... an open window....... He jumped out of the bed.
"So long, losers!!!!!! You'll never take me alive!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA—
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He fell the four stories to the ground. The doctor
sighed and headed for the stairs.
Author's Note: Guess you're getting tired of this gag, aren't ya? .......
yeah, well..... it's funny........ And besides.... it's not my fault.....
they're the ones jumping outta windows and such.............
Maia's Note: Yeah, but you make them............ Don't' pretend like
you don't know!!! I saw you threatening Zidane with a stick!!!! You made
them!!!! But now you're gonna have to pay for their hospital bills because
I sure ain't!!!! *giggles crazily* ............. Well, it is your fault!!!!
Minutes later........
Bump "Ow!" Bump "Yeouch!" Bump "Owies!" Bump "My freakin' head!
Damn you—" Bump "OW!!!" Dagger jumped down and saved Zidane.
"Zidane! Are you alright!?!?!"
"You really care about me, Dagger?" he asked hopefully.
"Why you little—!" She started to strangle him again. Zidane,
once again, passed out.
-----------------------------------
Cloud was sitting in a white padded room, eating tapioca pudding
happily, while humming.
"Doo, doo, doo, dah, doo, doo, doo, doo, dah, doo......" Sephiroth
looked in on him, shaking his head and tutting.
"Jeez.... he makes a mockery of everything that is FF7 ....."
Cloud looked up from his pudding.
"Hey! I need a break! You should try it, MISTER Sephiroth! It's
relaxing!"
"You're wearing a strait jacket, for goodness sakes!" Sephiroth
yelled, then glared at Cloud. "Mockery........." Sephiroth started to wander
the psychiatric ward, having nothing else to do...... Well, he could have
gone back to his room and played endless Knock knock jokes with Aeris........
he shuddered at the thought......... In the room next to Cloud was Locke
Cole, expert "Treasure Hunter". Locke was rocking back and forth in his
rocking chair.
"That's treasure hunter! ...... Treasure hunter!!!..... not thief!!!
Don't say it or I rip your lungs out!!!! ...... treasure hunter......."
he muttered to himself, psychotically. He leapt at the small window, growling
at Sephiroth, who screamed and ran away.
".... Treasure.... hunter...... t-treasure... hunter.........
I'm gonna rip your lungs out!!!!!! ...... treasure...... hunter......."
Cloud listened from the next room.
"What a weirdo......." He sweatdropped and returned to his tapioca
pudding. A black mage came by. Cloud jumped up and ran to the door.
"Can I come out now? I've had a good vacation!" Dr. 666 (who
was visiting, just for a laugh...) passed by and opened the door.
"Come out? Of course not! You're a mental patient! Now be a good
little boy and eat your tapioca pudding! ....... Don't you dare give me
that look or I'll have to give you some miracle plant......." Cloud glared,
threw off his strait jacket and took out his iron pole. He did Omnipole
and whapped Dr. 666 over the head twenty, count 'em, twenty times! That
knocked the good doctor out (Hooray!!). Cloud then realized that Dr. 666
had locked the door behind him. So Cloud took out his Ultima Weapon and
Omnislashed the door. It fell to pieces. Cloud ran out. He then came back,
poked Dr. 666 with his pole and then ran out again, giggling.
Author's Note: Don't blame Cloud for his actions...... I'm sure most of us would do the same thing to the good doctor if given the chance........
-----------------------------
Now, then, we can't forget our lovely little dragoon knight, Freya
Crescent. She was sitting on a cliff, watching the moon with Fratly. Sir
Fratly put an arm around her.
"Ahh... you are so beautiful......"
"Oh, Fratly, I am so happy," Freya muttered joyfully, enjoying
having him with her again.
"Yes...... Now..... who again are you......?" Freya's eyes closed
halfway in exasperation........... He still didn't remember who she was.........
Freya stood and pushed Fratly off the cliff.
"NOOOOO!!!!!!! HELP ME UNKNOWN STRANGER!!!!!!!!" he screamed
as he fell. Freya gave a "Hmph" and turned away to walk back to help with
the repairs of Burmecia. Fratly jumped up beside her (remember now, he's
a dragoon knight, too). His face was dusty and one of his shirt sleeves
was ripped.
"So.... what are we doing?"
"OK, you dimwit...... My name is Freya Crescent!!! I used to
be the love of your life!!!!!! You idiot!!! And I am going to help my friends
rebuild Burmecia!!!!!" He looked at her with confusion.
"You are not Freya...... Freya had different hair.... And she
was thinner than you....."
"WHAT!!?!?!?! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I AM FAT!!!!! I AM GOING
TO HURT YOU IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!!!!!" She looked at her digital watch.
"But right now I have other things to do...... Do not bug me........"
As she left, she muttered, "Dumbass......" Fratly watched her leave.
"No... I meant that you were more muscular than she was........"
he whimpered unhappily.
---------------------
Amarant had rented a bulldozer to help with the rebuilding of
Burmecia. And of course, he couldn't wait to test it out..... He sat in
it and yanked the levers, the untouched manual beside him.
"Now...... How do I operate this.....?" he asked himself, pushing
the big green button that said, very plainly, GO.
"Hmm...... I wonder what this does?" He jabbed it a few times.
The bulldozer started to rumble beneath him.
"COOL!!!" he shouted. The bulldozer very slowly started to move
forward... It was aimed right at the currently-being-rebuilt Townhall.
"Uh, oh...... How do you steer!!!!?!?!?!?!?!" he screamed and
yanked levers. The bulldozer gave a jerk and moved faster.
"Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He pushed buttons and yanked the
levers. I guess he didn't notice the one right beside his hand that clearly
said BRAKE. He finally saw the words beside it.
"Ah, ha! Score!" He pulled it...... it broke.
"Oh...... no.........." He leaped out just as the bulldozer rammed
into the Townhall. The place collapsed and the Burmecians ducked and ran
for cover. Just then, Freya ran in.
"Amarant! You stupid idiot!!!! That place took us a month to
get where we WERE now!!!! Stupid!!!!" Amarant rubbed his head and stood,
leaning against a wall.
"Oh, sure! Blame the guy with the bulldozer last!!!!!" He crossed
his arms and stared at the sky. The wall he was leaning on collapsed behind
him and he fell over.
"Ow!! I think I bruised my skull!!!!" He sat back up and noticed
that all the Burmecians were surrounding him with murderous looks on their
faces.
"What?" he asked. They all jumped on him and started to throttle
him. "Help! AHHH!!! For the love of Shiva, HELP!!!!!"
----------------------------------
It was the afternoon of a perfect day at Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed,
birds sang, flowers bloomed...... perfect....... The perfection was shattered
as someone moaned..... really, really loudly........
"Owwwwwww.............." Seifer moaned, staggering into his room.
Squall had just finished bandaging himself up, so he came to watch Seifer.
So did Zell, who was recovering from his stomach pumping.
"S'up, Seifer?" Zell asked.
"Owwwwwww.............." He looked at them. "Aren't you gonna
feel pity for me?" He collapsed on his bed.
"Oh, sure, Seifer," Squall said and patted him on the back. "There,
there...... there, there....."
"Don't touch me! Everything hurts! A lot!" He punched Squall
on the arm. Squall grinned.
"You must really be in pain. I didn't even feel that one....
Sooooo.... what would you do if I did this?" He slapped Seifer over the
head.
"Not much.... Owwwww......"
"What about this?" Zell asked and took Seifer's gunblade and
whapped it on the end of the bed.
"I would kill you, but I can't...... It hurt's too much......"
"What about this?" Squall asked, giving Seifer a wedgie. Seifer
jumped up.
"Now I WILL have to kill you!!!" He fell back on the bed. "....
Never mind........ I want one of the girls here.... they know how to pity
a person..... Rinoa!!?!?! Selphie!?!?! Quistis?!?!?! Librarian girl with
funny pigtails that Zell's in love with!?!?!?"
"Hey!!!! Quiet down!!!" Zell yelled, doing that funny thing that
Ross (you know.... from Friends) does.
Maia's Note: *raises eyebrows* Huh?
Author's Note: Neah, be quiet! You don't even watch Friends... at least
not that much!!!!
Maia's Note: ....... whatever...... considering that you tried to explain
it to me without even showing me..... yyyyeeeeessssss..........
"What's wrong, Seifer?" The librarian girl with the funny pigtails
that Zell loved poked her head into the room.
"I'm in so much pain..... Please pity and comfort me and lavish
attention on me........" She gasped and put her hands on her cheeks.
"Oh! You poor thing! Here..... what happened???" she asked, sitting
on the bed by Seifer and placing an arm around him. "Did Headmaster Cid
beat you up again??"
"Yes.... but that was after I pushed him into the wall he was
painting and before he threw a very shocky radio on me, Fujin and Raijin....."
As if to prove a point, Fujin and Raijin staggered in, leaning on each
other.
"PAIN!"
"It hurts, ya know. Dammit, ya know. OW! Fujin, ow, ya know!"
Raijin was again repeatedly kicked by Fujin.... She hated it when he said
"ya know...." He eventually fell on the ground unconscious due to too much
exposure to high voltage.
"Oh.... you poor things......" the librarian girl with funny
pigtails that Zell loved said pityingly, patting Seifer gently on the back
with a saddened look on her face. Rinoa entered.
"Seifer!? What happened?!?!?"
"Headmaster beat me up........." he muttered.
"Oh! You poor unfortunate soul!" She sat on the other side of
him and the two girls wrapped their arms gently around him. Seifer smiled
evilly and stuck his tongue out at Zell and Squall, who had gone red with
anger.
"Hey! Rinoa! I got beaten up by the headmaster, too!" Squall
yelled, showing her his Band-Aids.
"Oh, go blow smoke somewhere else, Squall! Cid kicks the crap
outta you on a daily basis!" she shouted back.
"Hey.... I just got my stomach pumped....." Zell told the librarian
girl with the funny pigtails. She glared at him.
"Oh, Zell..... you always get your stomach pumped...... You eat
too many hotdogs..... Seifer just had a shocking radio thrown on him!"
"You did?!?! Awwwww..." Rinoa cried and stroked Seifer's forehead.
He smiled weakly. When the two girls weren't looking, he gave Squall and
Zell another smug, evil look. Squall and Zell sighed and shuffled out of
the room. When they were out of hearing range, Squall threw up his hands
in exasperation.
"Well, guess he won that round!"
"Tell me about it...."
--------------------------------------
Zidane eyes were closed. He heard things... many things......
And something was scratching slightly at his stomach. He opened his eyes.
That damn Dr. 666 was slowly tracing the lines he had drawn on Zidane's
stomach, a wishful look on his face. Zidane cried out and pushed the doctor
away. He stood and ran for the window..... but it was bolted closed.
"You can't escape now! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!" the doctor laughed
crazily. Zidane screamed and pulled out his Ultima Weapon.
"Don't come any closer or I'll chop your head off!!!!" The doctor
smiled ironically and held up Zidane's REAL Ultima Weapon...... Zidane
realized that the one he was holding was painted Styrofoam. He threw it
at the doctor and glared. Dr. 666 placed Zidane's weapon in the closet.
So Zidane ran at him and knocked him over, strangling him.
"I'll teach you to try and cut me open!! And here's something
else! I didn't eat anything yesterday!!!!!! I drank booze!! All day long!!!!!!!"
Zidane stopped strangling the doctor and ran down the stairs and out the
hospital in terror. Dr. 666 stood up and brushed himself off.
"That child needs some of my special self help classes......
Oh well....." He looked at his watch. Hearing ranting from the next room,
he sighed.
"Time for Kuja's miracle plant!" He went in the room and stuffed
the plant in Kuja's mouth.
".... Whee!" Kuja settled down and turned to the lit floor lamp
beside him. "So, Beatrix? Are you free tonight? .......... Are you made
of electricity, 'cause you really turn me on!!!"
"Um...... Kuja..... that's not Beatrix.... that's a lamp....."
Dr. 666 turned the lamp off. Click. Kuja cried out the second it went dim.
"No! What happened!!!!?!?!?! She died!?!?! Or.... or maybe she
snubbed me!!!!!! NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! It hurts me inside!!!!!!!" He started
to sob fitfully.
------------------------------------
The three medics/scientists of the three different continents
had gathered to discus the plant. They had also brought their best warriors.
Professor Hojo had brought Tifa, because the last they had heard of Cloud,
he was up in a Chinese monastery, resting. He had had an "ordeal". When
Hojo had asked Tifa about it, she had whispered something in his ear.
"Cloud was 'visited' by the Herbal Essences guys again today....
he's resting....." Hojo shook his head sympathetically.
"That poor unfortunate soul....."
Dr. Kadowaki had brought Squall.... and Seifer.... Seifer had
threatened to destroy Balamb Garden if he wasn't brought along.
And the medical/science person that had come from the FF9 world.....
you guessed it..... the black mage Dr. 666!!! .... and his Terrain nurse.
Having no idea where Zidane was (the last they had heard, he had been running
across the desert in terror.... he had also hot-wired a boat and was sailing
crazily around the world.......), they had brought Freya... and Fratly
had followed Freya. He kept poking her.
Poke. "Stoppit." Poke "Stoppit." Poke "Stoppit or I will kill
you!" "OK." ..................... Poke "Stoppit." Poke........ WHAM! Freya
smucked (laugh... it's a funny word....) Fratly upside the head with her
spear. He dropped like a fly. She turned back to the meeting. She felt
something poke her in the foot. She looked down and saw that Fratly was
still poking her, but he wasn't even conscious. She glared.
"Don't poke me anymore or I shall send you to the land of Dr.
666...." The doctor saw that Fratly was on the floor. So he took
the opportunity and took out his scalpel.
"Nurse! Let's open him up and see what he ate today!!!!" The
nurse grabbed his hand.
"Doctor.... I don't think that's necessary....."
"But that's not fair! You've already deprived me of one scalpeling!"
"It doesn't matter, Doctor....."
"Please!!!!!!!"
"No..."
"Fine!" Dr. 666 sat down on his chair in a huff.
"Ahem....." Hojo interrupted with a cough. "Let's get back to
business..... Now the plant.... it seems that—" Something crashed through
the wall.
Author's Note: Ha! Thought you were in for a long and boring conversation,
didn't you? Well.... not while I'm around!
Maia's Note: Hurry up!!!! Get back to the story!!! I like this part!!!!!
"No! Don't eat the plant!!!!!!" a voice called out. In the clearing
dust, they saw a large animal with a fiery mane. It was Ifrit.
"Have you already eaten the plant?"
"Yes... why?" Dr. Kadowaki asked. Ifrit looked at the dragon
he had been riding on.
"Bahamut! I told you we shouldn't have taken that left!!!! And
also that bathroom break!??? Jeez! It made us a week late!!!!" Bahamut
looked indignant.
"Well, you try flying through the fog!! And drinking five pots
of coffee.... and all because SOMEONE had to fly at night!!!!!!! And all
on a favor!!!!!"
"Yeah, right......... He waited until we were half way here to
tell me that he needed help moving......"
"I do!!!!!!!!!"
"Yeah! Down the street!!!!! Closer to that snack place!!!!! You're
getting fat!!!!!!!!!"
"No I'm not!!!!! It's not fat, it's glandular........ and I've
been working out lately!!!!!!!!!" Ifrit sighed and walked over to Bahamut.
He flicked the dragon's stomach..... it jiggled for many long seconds..........
Bahamut sweatdropped.
"Yeah.... so........ It keeps me warm when I'm flying at high
altitudes........"
"Yeah?!?! What's your point?!?!" Dr. 666 yelled. Ifrit and Bahamut
stopped bickering and looked at the people/half-humans/mages. Ifrit smiled
at them.
"The plant you've discovered is called morphine! It was imported
from the Escaflowne world!!!!!"
Author's Note: We will be putting up fics from Escaflowne on Drugs later.... that will makes things a little less confusing......
"Ahywho....... You must use it wisely..... it's very dangerous........."
Bahamut sniffed.
"Obviously..... it's a drug........ they're not that dumb........."
Ifrit flexed his muscles.
"Yeah, well, they better listen to me!!! I'm the almighty Ifrit!!!!!"
His muscle fell over and hung underneath........... Ifrit sweatdropped.
"........... Never mind..............."
"Yeah... well I could crush you in a second..... don't brag..........."
"Anyway....... use it wisely...... Use the force— I mean morphine,
Luke— I mean FF people........" Bahamut slapped him over the head.
"Shut up! You're confusing them! I told you not to watch those
Star Wars movies!!!!!! ......... for the millionth time......... No seriously...
I've been counting........ It's been about a million and six counting the
one you caught this morning.... again........"
"Oh, well........ You watch them too......."
"At least I don't walk around reciting parts from them!!!!"
".......... whatever........... Good bye Anakin— I mean FF people...
OW!" Bahamut smucked him over the head and they flew away.......
"..................... Well, you don't see that every day!!"
Freya said, throwing her hands in the air. They discussed the use of the
plant and decided that the three continents would unite to help each other.
They left the meeting with their many different ways of transportation......
Hojo and Tifa in the Highwind, Dr. Kadowaki, Squall and Seifer in the Ragnarok
and Dr. 666, Freya and the still unconscious Fratly in the Hilda Garde
3........... They ended up crashing it........... so then they hot-wired
the Red Rose and flew the rest of the way home. Beatrix discovered that
her airship was gone and she said one thing......
"Dude, where's my airship?" She and her Alexandrian Soldiers
set off to find the airship, which contained Beatrix's anniversary gift
for Steiner, a suitcase of stolen money that was owned by a transsexual
stripper and a strange rubix cube that turned into a continuum transfunctioner........
Maia's note: Ignore her. She's been watching 'Dude, where's my car?'
too much.
Lee: I only watched it twice!
Maia: Yeah, well, that's once too many! You're turning into Ifrit!
-------------------------------
Zidane was sailing home in the boat he had hot-wired. He had no
idea where he was, so he just sailed to the east.
"Doo, doo, doo, dah, doo, doo, doo, dah, doo......... Sailing,
sailing, out on the open water!!! La, la, la, la, la, la, laaaa!!!!!" he
sang. He had been sailing for days and had found no land, so he just sat
back and let it float....... He was watching the horizon when he spotted
land.
"Land!!! Whoo, hoo!!!!" He sat back again. "Now it's time to
let the current take me back home...." He watched the land for a second
before he floated far away and in a completely different direction. He
stood and looked longingly out to sea.
"D'oh......." He started to sob.... Suddenly the boat crashed
into something and flung Zidane out into the ocean. He spat out water.
"What the hell was that?!?!?!?!?" he screamed. A barracuda bit
at his tail and he kicked it off. He gave up and held onto a piece of wood.
"To Dagger!!!!!!!" ...... then he passed out, the barracuda still
attached to his tail.......
------------------------------
Zidane woke up and kicked the barracuda weakly.
"Go 'way..... You only go after shiny things......" The barracuda
considered this for a moment, then leaped for Zidane's dagger.
"Stoppit!!!! Go 'way!!!!!" He plucked it off his dagger and flung
it back out to sea. He shook his fist at it. "Stupid fish!!!!!!" He heard
the barracuda swear at him, so he sniffed and turned away.
"Now........ where'm I???" He looked at his surroundings. A guy,
another guy and girl with an eyepatch sat there, staring at him with their
fishing rods in their hands. The first guy with a white trench coat took
out a strange blade.
"Guys.... should we throw it back in????"
"FISH!!!!" the girl yelled.
"No, it's a person, ya know? But he's got a tail, ya know? We
should keep him, ya know? Big bucks for a fish/monkey, ya know?" Zidane
jumped up.
"I'm not a monkey fish!!!! I'm a Terrain!!! I'm an Angel of Death!!!
Huahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!" The guy in the trench coat stood and
menaced Zidane with his blade.
"Sit down, little boy...... My name's Seifer Almasy. This's Fujin
and Raijin."
"I'm not a little boy!!!! I'm sixteen!!!! And yes, Mr. Voice
in Head, I know that Kuja's the true Angel of Death!!!! Shut up!!!!!" Seifer
grinned.
"You're sixteen??? I'm only eighteen and I'm about two feet higher
than you. You're a midget...... Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!"
Seifer put his gunblade away, picked up a stick and proceeded to chase
Zidane with it, poking the short monkey boy whenever he got in range.
"Stoppit!!! Stop pummeling me!!! It really, really hurts!!!!!!!
OUCH!!!!!!"
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!!! Come'ere, monkey boy!!!! Heeheeheeheehee!!!
Poke, poke!!!!! Heeheeeheeehehehehehehe!!!!!!" Rinoa ran out.
"Seifer!!! What are you doing??? Awww..... poor little boy!!!!!"
She picked Zidane up and gave him an affectionate hug. "Aww..... you're
so kay-ute!!! I'm gonna take you back to my..... *cough*Squall's*cough*
dorm!!!!" She left with Zidane. Zidane sniffed.
"That mean man was poking me with a stick and chasing me......"
He stuck his tongue out at Seifer and was carried away by Rinoa. Seifer
sighed.
"Rinoa..... I'm gonna feed you to Adel again..... I don't like
you......." Fujin and Raijin looked at each other, then at Seifer, then
at each other again. Then they took out their fishing rods and walloped
Seifer over the head until he passed out.
"............ down I go........" Seifer muttered as he slumped
to the floor. Raijin slung him over his shoulder.
"It's for your own good, ya know? Don't want ya goin' crazy on
us again, ya know?" Fujin sighed.
"AGAIN...... THIS SUCKS!!!" They hurried back to their..... *cough*
Squall's *cough* dorm.
------------------------------------------------
One night, Aeris woke up. She started to laugh crazily.
"NOW I KNOW WHO I AM!!!!! I'M................." Sephiroth stared
at her. He looked pretty scared. Aeris sighed. ".............. never mind................
I guess I don't remember....... Hey, hey!!! Since you're awake, do you
wanna hear a knock knock joke??????? A new one!!!!" Sephiroth yelped and
dived under his covers. He started to snore fakely.
"What? Awake??? I'm no such thing!!!!!"
Aeris sighed. "If you were awake, you wouldn't be talking to me......."
Sephiroth ignored her and kept snoring. Aeris grinned and jumped up. She
tip-toed over to his bed and yanked back the covers......... only to find
that he was actually sleeping. She sighed and went back to her bed. As
she settled down, Sephiroth opened one eye.
"I knew I was right to indulge in those fake sleeping classes!!!
And Cloud said I was crazy!!!! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!" Aeris looked
at him.
"Did you say something?" Sephiroth closed his eye again and resumed
his fake sleeping. Aeris sighed.
"............ whatever.........." She fell back asleep. Sephiroth
jumped out of bed and raced down the stairs. He'd had enough of this crazy
hospital. He was outta there.
"Now to take my revenge on Cloud..... Nothing can go wrong with
the idea I have planned..... Everything is gonna be perfect, starting.......
now!" Just as he said "now!" he ran into a lamp post.
"Ow, dammit!!!!" He rubbed his head and continued on, biting
his tongue and then tripping over a tree root.
---------------------------------------
Freya was lifting a stone when a Burmecian raced to her, holding
up the Alexandrian Chronicles.
"Miss Crescent!!!! Miss Crescent!!!! The plant's called morphine!!!!!"
"Huh? What— oh.... it's you, Jed..... You don't have to get so
excited everytime we get a paper and the front page has...... anything......
on it!!! It's not that exciting......." She studied the front cover for
a moment before using Firaga and flaming it to a crisp.
----------------------
Beatrix was sitting in a bar, sipping a tequila...... Her soldiers
surrounded her, sipping apple martinis. One of them passed out.... she'd
had too many..... Anyway, Beatrix had had some leads on the location of
the Red Rose. But still she hadn't found it......
"Beatrix? General Beatrix???" Beatrix turned to see the most
drop-dead gorgeous guy standing right there!!!
"W- who are you?????" she stuttered.
"Beatrix, darling.... Don't you remember last night? That male
erotic dance I did with you???"
"Whu.... wha......???" The guy looked at someone else, then hit
his head.
"Aww, man.... Sorry, girl..... wrong girl...... Hey!!! Beatrix!!
Wait up!!!!" Beatrix watched him, then stood up.
"No wait!!! I'm Beatrix, too!!!!" The Alexandrian soldiers grabbed
her by the arms and dragged her out of the bar.
--------------------------------
It was a beautiful day in the Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang,
flowers bloomed...... perfect....... And today... it really was perfect.....
All the students of Balamb Garden (well actually, just our heroes
(OH, NO!!! RUN!!! THE WITCH IS GOING TO COMPRESS TIME!!!!!), the posse
and Zidane) were going fishing at a river near Balamb Garden. After much
pestering, they dragged Quistis along too..... (she's a teacher... well
actually, after she pestered Cid, he gave her old job back.....) Anyway.....
they were fishing except for Selphie, who was trying to get the fish (trout,
to be exact) to join the Garden Festival Committee...... Squall looked
at her and blinked.
"Selphie... they can't understand you........"
Zidane looked at the fish thoughtfully. "Actually, a barracuda once
swore at me......"
"Shut up....." Squall muttered. Selphie glared at them and then
turned back to the fish and started to speak French to them. Squall sighed.
"Selphie.... they don't know French.... Wait a minute!!! I don't
know French either!!! Where'd you learn French???" Selphie stared at him.
".............. Squall.... were you ever awake in any
of our classes?????" Squall looked thoughtful.
"........... yes........"
"Lemme guess..... the fighting skills, right????"
"...... maybe........." Selphie sighed and got up to go and try
to get the birds to join the Garden Festival Committee. Zidane stared at
the water longingly. Rinoa patted him on the arm.
"It's OK. We'll get you home, if it's the last thing I do....
We'll never give up!!!! This will be our final stand!!!!!" Rinoa struck
up a battle pose. Squall sighed.
"Rinoa...... we're not fighting Ultimecia anymore..... we're
just getting a kid with a tail back home...." Rinoa glared at him.
"Yeah... well.... Remember Ultimecia???" Squall thought....
---------------------
A few months ago/Hundreds of years in the future.....
---------------------
"SeeD, SeeD, SeeD, SeeD....." Ultimecia was rocking back and forth
in her chair, muttering SeeD psychotically. She watched as Squall, Rinoa,
Zell, Irvine, Quistis and Selphie ran into the room.
"SeeD.... Have you kome to help me return home??????" She looked
forlorn.
"We're here to destroy you, Ultimecia!!!!" Squall shouted heroically.
"But I need to go home!!!" the witch protested.
"Oh, but I need to go home!!!" Squall mocked in a high voice.
"Bring it on!!!!!"
"Oh, fine.... but this isn't the reskue krew I expekted.... *sniff*....
My puppy dog will be hungry......" She stroked the picture of the small,
fluffy brown puppy that was sitting on the arm of her chair.
And then Squall, Irvine and Zell beat the crap out of her because
they had 100 Ultima spells juctioned to their strength and a lot of all
the other stats......
-----------------------
Back in the real time.....
-----------------------
.......... Squall looked at Rinoa.
"She was evil!!!!" Squall yelled.
"But she wanted to go home!!!" Rinoa shouted back.
"It doesn't matter! She was evil!!!"
"The witch wanted to go feed her puppy!!!"
"Evil!"
"Home!"
"Evil!"
"Home!"
"Evil!"
"Home!"
"Shut up!!!!" Seifer yelled, hitting them both over the back
of the head. Seifer glared. "That's enough outta both of you!!!! Stoppit
or I'll really open up a can of whoop ass!!!!!" Squall and Rinoa went back
to their fishing. Fujin came up to them with a whole line of fish.
"Hey, Fujin, where ya been, ya know? We missed ya, ya know?"
Raijin asked as Fujin took a deep breath. They winced as she opened her
mouth.
"I was up river getting— What?" Seifer unplugged his ears.
"Oh.... we thought you were going to yell......" Raijin jumped
up and took Fujin by the shoulders and started to shake her.
"Who are you and what have you done with Fujin, ya know???? I
mean, ya know????!!! Ya know!!!! Ya— ya, ya, ya— Ya know?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Fujin kicked him in the shin.
"Shut up, Raijin!!!!" she screamed as he let her go and sat back
down.
"Never mind, ya know? It's Fujin, alright, ya know?" he muttered,
throwing his line back in. He felt a tug on the line.
"Hey!!! It's a fish, ya know!?!?!?! Help, ya know??!?!?!?" All
the people grabbed Raijin and helped him pull. And out shot........ a spiky-haired
guy.... with an iron pole.......
"What the hell???" Seifer muttered. He poked the guy with a stick.
The guy woke up and hissed at Seifer, who jumped back with a screech. The
guy took out his pole and jumped to shore.
"All shall be Omnipoled!!!!!! Huahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!" He
Omnipoled Selphie and she fell half into the river.
Squall blinked. "YES!!!!!! No more Selphie!!!!! We're free!!!!!!"
Quistis stared at Selphie. "Is she gonna be OK?"
Squall leaped around. "Who cares!!!?!?!?! She's out for a minute, at
least!!!!! Let's all party!!!! Now, who wants to go and burn the Garden
Festival Committee???!?!?!?! Who are you unknown stranger??!?!?! I owe
you one!!!!!"
"Oh.... my name's Cloud Strife....... Who're you??"
"No time for that!!!! Burn, burn, burn!!!!!!! Run, run, or you'll
all be well done!!!!! Ahhahahahahahaha!!!!" Squall ran off in the direction
of Balamb, wielding a torch. Cloud blinked and turned back to the others,
shrugged and followed. They picked up Selphie and dragged her back to Balamb.
------------------------------------
Maia: So.... The end of Part Two.... It'll probably be awhile before
we get Part Three up.... Oh well! Ciao!!
(Hey, don't ask me why Lee has to have that long "Perfect Day" thing
at the start of all the FF8 parts. It's one of her... "obsessions")