The Dating Game
A Buffy Parody
Description: For anyone who has ever argued over the identity of Buffy's one true love.
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy are not mine, sadly. They belong to the good people at Fox, the WB, UPN and of course the God of all things Buffy, Joss Whedon.
Spoilers: No major spoilage here, if you are familiar with season 6.
Feedback: Yes please!
Rated: PG-13
*****************************
Announcer: Hello, and welcome to The Dating Game! Because everyone knows that game shows are the only way to true love! Let's meet our bachelors now, why don't we.
Sitting on stage are Riley, Spike and Angel.
Announcer: This Ken doll is part of a secret organization that defends us from things that go bump in he night. On the side, he grades papers at our local UC-Sunnydale. What a nice guy. A warm round of applause for Bachelor number one!
Riley gives a big grin and a wave. The other two roll their eyes. Applause.
Announcer: This Billy Idol look-alike prefers the nightlife. His hobbies range from babysitting, to poetry writing, to playing kitten poker. Give it up for bachelor number 2!
Spike gives a halfhearted shrug while the audience applauds.
Announcer: This loner likes to lurk in the dark and leave cryptic messages. He also owns his own detective agency. That's right, a businessman. Let's hear it for bachelor number 3!
Angel raises a hand in a noncommittal wave. No smile. Applause.
Spike: (under his breath) Poof!
Announcer: Now let's meet tonight's contestant!
Buffy comes out, a huge cheesy smile on her face.
Announcer: Buffy is a single parent who holds two part time jobs, flipping burgers and fighting evil. She likes a bit of a dark side to her man, but no biting please!
Buffy gives an enthusiastic wave. You guessed it, applause. She settles down in her chair.
Buffy: Bachelor number one. Describe to me your dream date.
Riley: Well, I'd start out taking you on a picnic, just the two of us.
Buffy: Aw, that's sweet.
Riley: We could, you know, spend the time discussing demons and secret identities.
Buffy: Riiiiiggghhhhhtttt. Bachelor number three, same question.
Angel: I was thinking a nice, romantic night at the cemetery, looking up at the stars, followed by a goodnight kiss. It couldn't be any more than a kiss though, or I'd risk losing my eternal soul.
Buffy: You don't say. Bachelor number two, flowers are pretty. What's your favorite flower and why?
Spike: I'd have to say a rose. Beautiful, yet dangerous. It'd like to cover your bed in rose petals and shag you all until you can't stand up of your own free will.
Buffy: Well, that's really . . . I mean really . . . Bachelor number three, I show up wearing an outfit you find hideous, and ask you how I look. What do you do?
Angel: I'd probably stay silent, and hope that my brooding and flawless hair would distract you to the point that you'd forget about the question.
Buffy: At least you didn't say I was fat. Bachelor number two, same question.
Spike: I would rip those offensive clothes off of your hot little body, use the shredded strips to tie you up, and do naughty things to you all night long.
Buffy: (Interested) Really? All night long? What sorts of naughty things?
Announcer: Ahem.
Buffy: Oh, right. Bachelor number one, how would friends describe your personality?
Riley: Well, I'm really nice. And I'm also . . . nice. I mean, I know I *must* have a personality. Let me think for a moment . . .
Buffy: You do that.
Announcer: So, have you reached your decision?
Buffy: Yeah, I have. I just . . . Oh my God! I think I left the lights on in my car. I'll be back in just a sec.
She runs out. We hear the sounds of a door slamming and a car peeling off.
Everyone sits in silence, until the Announcer decides to jump in.
Announcer: Gee, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next week, when we try to pair up Alexander Harris. Will he pick the witch, the bitch, or the former demon who would suck us all into hell, if only she could get her powers back? Find out next week on the Dating Game!