Maia: Okay, anyway, here it is!!! The FINAL installment of "Miracle Medicine"!!! It may be shorter than all the rest, but it's
pretty good!! Have fun!! ^.^
-------------------------------

Let's go and see what Dagger's doing......
"Where the hell is Zidane!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You stupid black mage!!!!! Go find him right now!!!!" she screamed at Dr. 666. The doctor smiled at her and moved towards her with a needle.
"You're way too overstimulated..... You need some morphine!" Dagger karate chopped the needle away and glared at the black mage.
"Don't you dare try to morphine me! I will kill you!!!!!!" She paused for a moment and then.... "Tell me where Zidane is!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" As she screamed, Locke strode out, smiling.
"Hi, y'all. I just took my sane pills and I'm sane for the next eight hours. Oh, no wait...." He looked at his digital watch. "Seven hours, fifty-nine minutes and fourteen seconds. I'll help you find Zidane!"
"OK! Thank you, Locke the Thief!!!!" Locke glared at her.
"........ treasure hunter! Say it or I rip your lungs out!!!!!!!" Dagger backed away.
"Thank you, Locke the Treasure Hunter!!!" His face went calm and happy again.
"OK!" Dagger looked at him and then at Dr. 666.
"TELL ME WHERE ZIDANE WENT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh... he's somewhere...." Dagger looked annoyed.
"................. you don't know where he is..... do you.........." Dr. 666 shrugged
"Another place........."
"Take me to him RIGHT NOW!!!!!!" she screamed at Locke, who covered his ears. He opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows. "IF HE'S DEAD, I WILL SOOOO HURT YOU!!!!!!!" she screeched back at Dr. 666.
"So... you like this Zidane character, eh? Ehhehhehhehheh.... I'll be sure to tell him when we see him...." Dagger smucked him over the head.
"Shut the hell up!!!!" She dragged him out. "You're still coming with me..... thief boy!!!!" Locke struggled out of her grip.
"That's treasure hunter!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!!!" Dagger shielded herself with her arms as she ran from Locke, who was throwing various objects at her.
"Treasure hunter, treasure hunter, treasure hunter!!!! she screamed.

------------------------

Beatrix had found her Red Rose, much to her delight. She hugged the side and kissed the polished wood, crying with happiness.
"Let's go!" She jumped up to get onto the Airship, but realized she had left her keys in the bar. As she left, two people crept out of the shadows. Dagger and Locke climbed aboard.
"Don't worry, Dagger. I'm an expert at hot-wiring things!"
"Just hurry the hell up!!!" Locke successfully hot-wired the Red Rose and they flew away. Beatrix came back a few minutes later.
"Crap! Dude, where's my Airship!?!?!?"

----------------------------

Zidane was happily sitting in the Ragnarok as Rinoa crazily piloted it.
"I'm taking you home Zidane! And they said I couldn't fly this thing! Ha! Easy as pie!!!!!!" Zidane put on his seatbelt and grabbed the sides of his seat. His eyes were wide.
"Rinoa! Look out for that skyscraper!!" Rinoa was laughing crazily and then she looked out the window.
"Uh, oh! Hey!!! Stupid steering wheel! It's stuck!" It snapped off in her hands. "Dammit!"
"Auto pilot ON." A little red light started to blink and the Ragnarok swerved out of the way. Rinoa sat back, a smug look on her face.
"And now we just sit back and watch as we're carried blissfully back to your home........"
"Do you know where the auto pilot is taking us?"
"No idea! Hey! Look at this!" She pushed a button and the windshield wipers turned on. "Cool! This thing ROCKS!" Zidane sat back again and clung to his seat.

-------------------------

Beatrix and her Alexandrian Soldiers were at the local McDonalds, ordering some food. She sat in her car, looking at the menu in the drive-thru. Her Alexandrian soldiers poked her, eager to get to the food.
"OK... I'll have ten supersize orders of fries..."
"And theeeeen?"
".... Ten cheeseburgers....."
"And theeeeen?"
"..... Ten strawberry milkshakes....."
"And theeeeen?"
"Um..... I think that's all.... yeah, that's it...."
"And theeeeen?"
"Um..... I'm done ordering now...."
"And theeeeen?" Beatrix looked annoyed.
".............................. Listen, mage! If you say and then one more time, I'm gonna come in there and put my boot, in your ass!!!!!!!" Silence...... Beatrix turned away, glad that she had won the argument.........
"And then! And then! And then! And then!" Beatrix screamed in anger and beat at the voice box thing with her fists. Then she jumped out of the car and grabbed the black mage by the collar. She threw him out of the restaurant and chased after him down the street.
"Help! Save me!!!!!!!!!!!!" the black mage screamed as he ran.

-------------------------

Dr. 666 had given up on Kuja and was searching for Zidane. He thought, for some reason, that the most likely place he would be was at the Iifa Tree. So he traveled there quickly and what he saw was a silver haired man in a black trench coat and a long sword.
"Hey!!!!! Have you seen a small boy with a monkey tail come this way?!?!?!?!" he yelled. The man turned.
"Of course not...... Who do you think I am? I'm not some search and rescue guy!!!" He glared as Dr. 666 strode forward.
"Then who are you?"
"I am the almighty Sephiroth and now I shall kill you and you will be a part of me when I become one with the Lifestream!!!! Then I shall be a GOD!!!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!!" Dr. 666 stared at him.
"You really don't know where Zidane is?"
"No............... this is where I kill you either quickly to show you my mercy, or I kill you slowly and painfully to show you my love for..... funny little black things in doctor coats, riiiiiiiight?" Sephiroth took out his Masamune.
"No it isn't! This is where I come towards you," Dr. 666 went and stood right next to Sephiroth, "reach into my pocket," he reached into his pocket, "grab you by the arm," he took Sephiroth's arm, "throw you to the floor," he threw Sephiroth to the ground, such a large feat for such a small being, "and open you up and see what you were eating today!!!!!!" He leaped on top of Sephiroth and took out his scalpel. Sephiroth screamed and tried to shove the little black mage off, but for some reason, Dr. 666 was latched onto him.
"Get away from me!!! What have I ever done to you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he yelled, trying to pull himself out from underneath Dr. 666, who had started making stabbing motions at Sephiroth's stomach.
"Stay still, you! Why won't you let me cut you open?!?"
"Because it's sick, twisted and cruel and I think that enjoying inflicting pain upon others is called sadism and it's a mental disorder!!!!! Somebody save me!!!!!!" Dr. 666 shuffled off.

Maia's Note: *sniff* Sephiroth must have this particular mental disorder, because he seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon others...... Oh, well..... Hmm..... I'll talk to Dr. 666 later.... if he can resist the urge to cut me open or inject me with morphine for a few moments.... if not, it's mage bashing time.... *smiles evily and draws out a Buster Sword......* Hee, hee.... I stole Cloudy's sword.....
Cloud: Hey!!!!
Maia: Uh, oh! *runs off*
Lee: *sniff* Sephiroth allowed me to take his sword.... *hangs on Sephiroth's arm* I'm happy.......
Sephiroth: *glares* *in a whisper* Gimme back my Masamune and I'll make you a replica!
Lee: Done and done!
Maia: *comes back for a moment* Let's get back to the story!!!!! Don't worry, Cloud! I'll give you Gil! GIL!!!! Enough to buy twenty Buster Swords!!!! *running from rabid Cloud*

"Mental disorder, eh? ................... yeah, well..." Dr. 666 reached back into his pocket to put the scalpel away and took out a needle. He plunged it into Sephiroth's arm and injected the morphine.
"What the— awww..... not this stuff again....... whee!!!...... Lalalalalalalalalalalala........" He didn't notice as Dr. 666 made good his escape.

-----------------------------

It was a beautiful day in the Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang, flowers bloomed...... perfect....... but something was dreadfully wrong.....
Cloud, the heroes (excluding Rinoa), the posse and Quistis (I don't like this woman... she's bugs me with her annoying tutorials that eat up about forty minutes of the game.... I don't consider her a hero....) were sitting in *shifty eyes* .... Seifer's...... *cough*Squall's*cough* dorm, discussing things. Mostly the whereabouts of Rinoa.
"Where's Rinoa?!?!?" Squall wailed, crying into Zell's shoulder.
"How the hell should I know!?!?! And get offa me!" Squall turned and placed his head on Irvine's shoulder. Irvine shoved him off.
"You stay away from me! Selphie, Squall's trying to subject me to his manlove!!"
"Irvine, stay away from him then!"
"I know, let's all have a sex-ed tutorial! First you—"
"WAAHHH!!!! RINOA!!!!"
"Who's Rinoa?"
"Shut up, Cloud!!!! The sorceresses shall help us!!! I know, for I am the sorceresses knight!" WHAM! Raijin whacked Seifer over the head again.
"There ya go, ya know?!"
"........ down I go......." Fujin and Raijin picked up Seifer and ran off with him. Cloud watched them, then decided that he would go and check out the Garden, seeing as how the argument of Squall's sexuality wasn't going to be absolved anytime soon. As he wandered, people looked at him and pointed.
"What?" he asked a group of giggling girls who were laughing at him.
"Oh, you're fly's down!" Cloud turned red and turned around to zip himself back up. Then he wandered again. He found himself at the elevator and rode it up to the third floor. In the room, there was a man and he was eating something in a little bag.
"Hello. Who are you?"
"My.... name's.... sniff..... Headmaster...... sniff... Cid....."
"I'm Cloud... Why do you keep sniffing like that?"
"Um.... sniff.... cold..... sniff....." He turned back to his small bag.
"What's in the bag?"
"Um.... sniff..... something...." Cloud reached over and grabbed the bag and looked inside it.
"WOAH!!! Pop Rocks!!! I love these things!!!" He downed the whole bag in seconds and started to dance around. "Whoo, hoo! It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!!!!!" Then he fell over and started to twitch. Cid shook his head and went for the PA.
Ding, ding, ding. "Squall! This is the Headmaster.... sniff.... Come and pick up.... sniff..... your stoned.... sniff... friend... sniff... Cloud.... sniff..... that is.... sniff... all...." Cid grabbed his bag of "Pop Rocks" (for those of you who might not have guessed it, the bag is full of crack) and shoved them in his desk drawer, along with an "inhaler" (cocaine) and some morphine needles (............ they speak for themselves....).
Zell ran in and grabbed Cloud.
"Where's.... sniff..... Squall...?"
"Why d'you keep sniffing like that?"
".... sniff... cold..." Zell shrugged.
"Squall's having a bit of a sexuality crisis at the moment...... Bye!" He ran off. Cid went back to his "Pop Rocks" and "inhaler".

-----------------------------

Dagger and Locke were piloting the Red Rose, trying to find Zidane. It had been many hours....
"Um... Dagger? I didn't bring any extra sane pills...."
"So... does that matter?"
"In about fifteen seconds.... Well... Eight hours is almost..." Locke's face turned slightly crazier and he let go of the controls. ".... treasure... hunter!!!! I'm gonna rip out your lungs!!!!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!!!" He leapt at Dagger and wrestled her to the floor. She screamed and kicked him in the nuts and he dropped off, squealing. Dagger jumped up and ran to a cabinet.
"Must find sane pills.... I'm gonna die if I don't.... hello...." She picked up a needle that had a bit of morphine left in it. She injected Locke and he sat back as Locke went into a land of... uh..... bliss....
"Lalalalalala, treasure hunter!!.... lalalalalalala....."
"Good... yes Locke.... you're a treasure hunter...... Hey... what's that?" Suddenly the Ragnarok crashed right into them.

-------------------------

Kuja was sitting in his bed, glaring at the Terrain nurse, who was glaring back at him. She gave him an evil look, then turned back to her porn magazine. The second she was down, Kuja crept from the bed and snuck to the door. As he made a break for the door, the nurse held out an arm and clotheslined Kuja. Kuja lay on the floor, clutching at his throat as the nurse (her name's Adel...) looked at him from under the magazine.
"And where do you think you're going?"
"I'm leaving...... I wanna go and destroy Zidane..... Annnnd if not, I'll settle for just going home...."
"Nuh, uh..... You're to stay right here... Dr. 666's orders..." Kuja leaped up.
"The... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THE DOCTOR!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!" Kuja started to run around the room, plainly frightened. Adel clotheslined him again and as he lay on the floor for the second time, he glared at her.
"Shouldn't you be in the FF8 world?"
"...... I've been demoted, shut up! ....... Something about using Rinoa as a living bra, I think......." She looked thoughtful for a moment, then picked him up and threw him into the bed. She grabbed some ropes and tied him to the bed.
"You're not going anywhere...."
"This is torture!!!!! Pure, utter torture!!!!!!!!!" He tried to pull himself off the bed and then Adel left. Kuja sighed and lay back. He got an idea and started to chew at the ropes.
"I hear chewing!!" Adel cried.
"No I'm not!"
"Hey!!! No lying or I'll come up there, beat your ass and take away your thong!!!"
"No, not my thong skirt!!! Anything but that!!!!"
"Good......."

-------------------------

Kuja was still lying, tied to his bed, when he heard something from downstairs. He watched the door as someone in red clothes with a golden metal claw and long black hair came in. A red scarf was wrapped around his face.
"Hello. I found this ad in the paper that someone needed rescuing from the hospital in the place where there are no owls.... Am I in the right place?"
"Yes!!!! I knew that ad would come in handy!!! My name's Kuja!!!! Who're you?"
"I'm Vincent...... Here, let me untie you....." He slashed through the ropes with his claw/hand thingy and helped Kuja to his feet. Vincent stared at Kuja's strange ensemble.
"Hey! It expresses my individuality!"
"Are you a girl or a guy?"
"Where'd you get that?"
"Oh, well... those hips and the fact that you have red makeup around your eyes....."
"I'm a guy... IDIOT!" He whacked Vincent over the head. Vincent rubbed the back of his skull and glared.
"That was totally uncalled for. Whatever, let's get outta here...." He watched as Kuja ran for the window. "......... not that way.... it hurts... remember??" Kuja blushed and ran for the stairs. Vincent followed and Kuja saw that Adel had been knocked out and her face was sitting right on a ...... naked man.... in her magazine. Kuja giggled and poked Adel once... or twice..... before running out of the hospital. Vincent followed, grabbing the magazine. He gasped as he saw a picture of him. When had he—? Oh... right, that time when he was totally wasted..... Vincent torched the page of him and ran from the hospital.

---------------------

Dagger flung herself from the Red Rose as the Ragnarok crashed into it. Then she saw Zidane.
"ZIDANE!!!!!!" she screamed and ran for him. She grabbed him, whacked him over the head, then kissed him, then punched him in the stomach. Then she kissed him again. "Where were you?!?!?!?! I love you, and now I'm going to kill you! But I love you!!!!"
"I feel so hurt, but so happy at the same time....." Zidane gasped, clutching his stomach. He fell to his knees and grinned foolishly, but in pain.
"Let's get married! I'm going to kill you!" She grabbed him and put him in a headlock as she slipped a ring over his finger. Zidane smiled and gagged.
"Ack... of..... arg.... course... ack!"
"Oh! I'm sooooo happy!!!!" She hugged him tightly, also almost crushing one of his ribs (accidentally...... maybe.....).

----------------------

All the people came to the wedding, even the ones who weren't invited.... ALL the people, including the FF7 and 8 people. The priest stood with Zidane and Dagger at the altar. Then the door burst open and a lone figure stood, panting. Freya summed it up in one word....
"Kuja!" Kuja giggled maniacally.
"Huahahahahahahahahaha!!! Zidane, I have come for you!" Vivi grabbed Kuja's sleeve.
"Shh! It's a wedding!" Kuja looked shocked and sat down.
"Oh, sorry.... I'll wait... " He watched as his arch nemesis got married. Then he stood back up.
"Zidane! Now you shall die!!!! Huahahahahahahaha!!!!" Kuja strode forward. Then Adel stood up.
"Hey! You're the guy who escaped from the hospital in the place where there are no owls! Get him, fellas!" All the heroes of FF7, 8 and 9 jumped up.
"Eep!" Kuja squeaked and hid behind a pew. "Don't hurt me! I... I'll be good!!!" He sat quietly.
"That's better!" all the heroes yelled. Zidane dusted off his hands.
"And that takes care of that!" Dagger grabbed him by the neck and strangled him before tilting him over and kissing him for a long time. Everyone, including Kuja, clapped and wolf-whistled.

Aftermath.......
(Maia: Ha! My specialty! The last part with Cloud, Lee wrote)

Kuja: Was hauled back to the hospital. Escaped again and tried to kill Zidane.
Zidane: Survived a Psycho style shower stabbing by Kuja. Lives happily with Dagger in a big castle!
Dagger: Got anger management help. Is now a happy, vivid young woman and lives with Zidane at her castle.
Zidane: *knocks over lamp* Oh! Sorry, Dagger! I knocked over your favorite lamp!
Dagger: *starts to strangle Zidane* *Doctor runs in*
Doctor: No, Dagger! Remember your anger management courses!!!
Locke: Is on a new rehab program. Is now required to carry extra sane pills with him at all times.
Fratly: Continued to forget who Freya was.
Freya: Rebuilt Burmecia with the help of the Burmecians.
Amarant: Knocked down Burmecia by accident. All of it.
Freya: AMARANT!!!
Amarant: *running from Freya and a large mob of Burmecians* Help mee!!!
Doctor 666: Did many more strange things… such as trying to cut people open… found Kuja's house too… but that's a whole other fic…
Sephiroth: … Uh, can I get back to you on that?
Adel: Got demoted some more for letting Kuja escape.
Vincent: Got really stoned one night and posed for another porn magazine. When he found out, he burned the newsstand. (All the magazines along with it too)
Fujin: continued to talk normally. We don't actually know why…
Rajin: Got treatment to try to get rid of his "ya know"
Quistis: Got sent to the hospital. Gives lectures… uh… kinda…
Quistis: (to empty chairs) …and so, that is how…
Selphie: Also got sent to the hospital.
Selphie: (to coat rack) So, would you like to join the Garden Festival Committee? You would!? Great!!
Yuffie: Became a major spokesperson for "1-800-save-yer-gil"
Rinoa: Began flying lessons with the Ragnarok
Rinoa: (to Squall) I don't NEED lessons!
Squall: I'll be your teacher! And we get to miss three classes a week!
Rinoa: ……… Okay, it's a deal!!
Mikoto: Got very drunk from Zidane's leftover "hard liquor" and joined the kid assassins.
King of Burmecia: Died mysteriously.
Team of kid assassins: (in some bushes) Yes! (they high-five each other)
Tifa: Got sent to jail for … something… not quite sure what… (maybe…….)
(evil snickering)
Beatrix: Is trying to get her Red Rose fixed.
Weird mage dude that says "And theeen…?" all the time: Got a job at the repair shop where Beatrix's Red Rose was being fixed.
Beatrix: C'mon, I need my Red Rose fixed now!!
Mage: And theeeeenn…?
Beatrix: Oh, another coat of paint would be nice.
Mage: And theeeeenn…?
Cloud: Got his buster sword back from Maia. He gave her another one and... well....

Lee, Maia, Cloud and Sephiroth were all sitting in a room. Sephiroth leaves to go and do some strange task (probably some sort of death and destruction task...). Lee looks confused.
"Hey? Maia? How'd you get Cloud's sword?"
"I got rid of Tifa for him...." Maia whispers and smiles at Cloud, who grins and gives her a thumbs up. Over across the street, Tifa's being hauled away by the police.
"But I'm innocent, I tell you! I- N- N- O- S- E- N- T!!!!" she spells out for them (not very well I might add....). They threw her in the police car and drove away with her. Cloud leans over and starts trying to make out with Maia, who kicks him.
"Get offa me!!!" she screams and kicks him again. "Well... at least Sephiroth isn't here...." she mutters. Sephiroth comes back. "Aw nuts..." Sephiroth and Lee start making out like crazy next to Maia, who jumps up with disgust.
"Aw, nasty! Cloud, let's get outta here!" Cloud picks her up and carries Maia over to the door. He kicks it open and lands a big wet one on Maia's lips. She screams and jumps out of his arms and kicks him.
"What the hell! You idiot! What was that all about?!?!?" Cloud looks sad.
"Well..... *sniff*..... you're really hot and..." Maia looks pissed.
"I don't give a crap! Just get me away from those two!!! Hey! You guys!!! Get a room!!!" she screams at Sephiroth and Lee, who are still kissing each other crazily. Cloud grabs Maia's hand and drags her from the room. Cloud tries to kiss her as they leave. Maia grabs a cell phone and calls the closest person who can help....
"Beatrix!!! Help me!!!"
"Listen, Maia! I'm having some of my own problems!! No more 'and then', mage!!!!! I need my Red Rose repaired!!!!"
"Please!!!!!!!!!"
"Aw, fine! But only because you're cool......"
"Beatrix!!! Please help me now!!!!!"
"Just a sec!!!"
"I don't have a sec!!!!" Maia yells, threatening Cloud with her buster sword. "Stay away from me!!!!!"
"Fine! What?"
"Get over here now!!!!!"
"Why?!?!"
"Because if you don't come now, I'm gonna go insane and have some weirdo all over me!!!!! Insane, like Locke!!!!"
"That's pretty darned insane..... I'll be over in a jiffy!!!!!" Maia hears a dial tone. Three seconds later, Beatrix comes and beats the crap out of Cloud, leaving him semi-conscious on the ground. Maia and Beatrix run off and end up on one of those amazon women islands where Maia can rest for a few days.... Cloud sits up dazedly...
"What a woman!" he mutters before falling into complete unconsciousness.

Maia's Note: Don't get me wrong! I really like Cloud, but having him making out with me? Noooo thank you! I'm too busy for a boyfriend!! Lee, on the other hand...... *hears Lee and Sephiroth STILL making out* Shiva, she needs to come to this amazon island.... that'll set her straight.....

All other characters in this fic but not mentioned here: Went on with their lives. Nothing much interesting happened to them.

Aeris: Well.........
One night, she awoke from a dream and started to laugh crazily.
"Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Now I know who I am! I am Ultimecia and now I shall begin the process of the ever-elusive time kompression!!!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She laughed and jumped out of the bed. A doctor ran in with a large anime mallet.
"Someone needs a sedative!" he yelled, bopping her over the head.
"....... down I go......" Aeris muttered, collapsing onto the floor. The doctor tied her to her bed. He had successfully saved the world from Ultimecia's— I mean Aeris' wrath.....

THE END

Maia: So that's it. Like it? Give us feedback!