As I lay here, pretending to sleep, I feel confused. Sleeping peacefully beside me is an amethyst eyed, chestnut braided, sixteen-year-old boy. A seemingly always-cheerful boy who I'm sure is really just wearing a joker's mask most of the time. Duo Maxwell, pilot of Gundam Shinigami.

I hate being confused. I hate it with a passion that exceeds almost anything else, with a handful of exceptions, of course. I'll admit to myself that I'm not that good at dealing with my emotions, but what can I do? I'm not good enough yetat working things like this out by myself to be able to figure out my problem. But I have no choice but to try. For my sake, and for his.

Duo. Looking at him, I almost want to cry. In fact, if it hadn't been forced into me to not cry, ever, I probably would. It's just... He's so beautiful, so cheerful, and so far out of my reach. I realized a few months ago that I was falling in love with him. By this point, I've already fallen, hard and fast. But that's not what's bothering me; or at least, that's only a part of it.

I once told Trowa that humans should always act on their emotions. I believe that now, and I believed it when I said it that first time, as well. This means that in theory, confessing my love to Duo will be easy for me. In reality, I'm still working up to it, but I think I'll reach my goal eventually. The path towards that goal, however, is not a simple one. Very few aspects of my life are simple, with the exception of the killing. The motives behind the deaths, the plans of how to get past defenses, are complex, but the deaths themselves are all too simple.

The problem with the Duo situation can be summed up in two words, one name: Relena Peacecraft. I just don't know what to do about her! I don't even know exactly how I feel about her. The first emotion that comes to mind when anyone mentions Relena Peacecraft is hate. Then fear. Then worry. I don't like her, and I'll tell anyone that asks me just the same. In fact, there have been times that I've tried to kill her. But I've never been able to bring myself to do it.

At first, I thought that I was only being weak. Before I knew anything at all about my emotions, I even thought that I might even be in love with her. I've got that part figured out by now: I'm not. But every time she's in danger, I find myself running to save her. And now, I've finally realized why.

I don't love Relena, I'm certain of that, but I do care for her. Not for her as a person, but rather for all that she represents. Her innocence brings back thoughts of the little girl and her puppy. Painful memories, but a necessity. I realize that Relena may not be considered innocent compared to the average Earth citizen, but compared to me, or to any of the other Gundam pilots--toany ofthe others fighting in the war--she is the one of us closest to innocent. Beyond all of that, Relena is a major factor in the attempt at peace. I care for the people of Earth and the colonies far too much to let them lose their chance at peace by simply destroying the Peacecraft girl, no matter how tempting the though of wringing her neck is at times.

There's another determinant in my decision as well: Relena needs me. I know that, in a sense, Duo needs me as well, but I have to give credit where it is due. Duo can take care of himself, it's a fact. If I leave him now, then at least he won't feel betrayed; I don't think I've ever let slip how I feel about him, and, he'll have the other pilots and Hilde to take care of him. I don't think that Relena has anyone, and I can't help but feel sorry for her.

Now that I've really thought about it, my mind is made up. I have to leave. I have to go to Relena. She needs me, and until this war is over and the majority of the major political conflicts have been settled, Earth and the colonies need her. So I have to be at her side to help her along.

That's why I have to leave right now. I don't want to, but I know that if I wait until morning, I'll have to face Duo when he's awake. I don't like to admit it, but I know that I'm not strong enough to face him like that. I've found that I can rarely resisthim, no matter what it isthathe wants. If it's something I want myself, then the strength of my resistance is doomed.

I want to stay with Duo. I would never go to Relena if I had to face Duo beforehand; I'd never have enough courage to break away. I have to do it now.

I stand up, stuff my meager belongings into a backpack, make sure that my laptop is stored safely in the middle where it is least likely to get damaged, and head to the door. Behind me, Duo stirs in his sleep; I can't help but wince and look back. He's frowning. I set my bag down by the door and walk back over to the bed. Leaning over, my lips brush his forehead ever so softly.

"Forgive me, Duo. Maybe I can come back after all this is over," I say, my voice below even a whisper and shaking violently. I grab my backpack with one trembling hand and leave. I refuse to look back. No matter how strong the temptation is, I'm not going to look back. I can't.