Title: Fighter
Author: Lucy Mars
Disclaimer: Nope, last time I checked they still weren't mine.
Chapter #3:
First Joanie, my only sister. Then it was Dad. My father had cancer. Noah Lyman was strong, he seemed invincible at times, but even he couldn't beat it. Then it was almost me. I almost died because I worked for the real thing and a couple of punks toting legal firearms decided that they would play god. Now, it was Donna. Donnatella Moss had cancer. Cancer. She had cancer.
Why is it all the people I love leave me? All I have to remember Joanie by are a box full of fire damaged things. All I have are hazy memories that become more of a blur with every passing day. Photos of happier times sit in a lock box with my other valuable possessions. The watch that my father gave me for my 25th birthday. My mothers favorite books. Music sheets that were Joanie's prized belongings. The cufflinks that Donna gave me the first Chanukah that we spent together in the White House. All my irreplaceable belongings sit in that box.
All expect for my mother and Donnatella Moss. I can't save them. I can't even save myself.
When will the sky stop falling? Life isn't fair. I know that. We all learn that as children, but I think my life has been littered with more obstacles and hazards then the average Joe. When will life stop playing these games?
I sit here in this waiting room, numb and cold. Who is going to pull the pieces of my heart back together? Who's going to catch me as I free fall? Leo is pacing the hall nervously as he tries to explain the situation to a confused Toby, and they occasionally toss these worried and melancholy glances my way. CJ bolted to the nearest restroom awhile ago. And Sam. Dear old Sam, is sitting beside me looking like the Original Lost Boy. God, I love these people. I do. But…but…but…
How am I going to live without Donna? Do I want to live without Donna?
I don't want to hold onto a box full of memories when I miss her. I don't want to cry and go through pictures on her birthday. I don't want to buy her flowers on our anniversary and place them on her grave. I don't want to put stones on her headstone.
I want to hold her in my arms when I miss her. I want to kiss her and treat her like a princess on her birthday. I want to buy her beautiful flowers on our anniversary, and watch her pout at me when she sees the fragrant arrangement. I want to place a stone…a shiny rock on her finger. I want us to be the little old man and the little old woman that laugh, banter and love each other.
How am I going to live without her?
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Gripping the edges of the sink till her knuckles were white, CJ took a ragged breath and watched as the cold water surged through the open pipe. Her arms shaking with the pressure that she was applying, CJ tried to concentrate on the soothing sound of the water pouring out of the faucet. This she could control. She could control this. The water and when it would be released was under her will. CJ couldn't control the news cycle, she couldn't control the weather, she couldn't control the guilt eating away at her weeping heart…but this she could control.
Catching her blotchy reflection in the mirror, CJ found herself comforted by a familiar face. "Hey."
"Hey." Toby said walking into the empty restroom.
Sniffling, CJ shut off the water and ran a trembling hand through her hair. "When did you get here." she asked her back to him.
"Just now." Toby said taking in CJ's appearance in the mirror.
Nodding, CJ tried to bring her breathing under control.
Watching CJ stiffen her spine with soft eyes, Toby closed the distance between them quickly and wrapped his arms around her. "It's okay."
Feeling the last of her strength crumble, CJ feel into Toby and let him support her. "No," she whispered feeling fresh tears build behind her eyes, "it's not okay."
"No." Toby agreed, "It's not."
"Why is this happening?" CJ asked clutching onto Toby's jacket and surrounding herself with his familiar scent. "Why?"
"I don't know." Toby said honestly.
"It's bad." CJ said her voice hoarse from all the crying. "It's bad."
"I know." Toby said gently, "I talked to Leo."
"Josh is so…" CJ said her voice breaking, "He looks…he looks so lost."
"I know." Toby said his own voice wavering with emotion, "I know, I saw him."
Squeezing her eyes shut, CJ shook her head. "Why does this keep happening?"
"I don't know." Toby sighed understanding CJ's sorrow. "I don't know."
"Why do the people we love keep leaving us?"
"Donna isn't going anywhere." Toby said rubbing CJ's back. "Donna's gonna be just fine."
"We don't know that." CJ whispered taking a ragged breath, "You don't know that."
Sighing, Toby attempted to tug CJ out of the confining restroom. "Come on. Leo said that they were moving her up into her own room."
"No." CJ said ripping her hand away from Toby.
"CJ?" Toby asked confused by her actions, "Don't you want to see Donna?"
"No." CJ said shaking her head, "I can't."
"CJ?"
"No, Toby." CJ said backing away from him and the looming door, "I can't."
"What are you talking about?" Toby asked aggravated now, "Of course you want to see Donna. What's going on?"
"Toby," CJ said shaking her head and bumping into the cold sink, "I can't. What if she hates me?"
"Hates you?" Toby asked his anger melting away as he watched CJ fall apart in front of him, "Why would Donna hate you?"
Her hand flying to her mouth, CJ shook her head and let her hair fall over her face.
"CJ?" Toby asked gently, "What's wrong?"
"What if she doesn't make it?" CJ asked her voice hoarse with tears.
"Donna's gonna make it." Toby said with more confidence then he felt, "She has…"
"But what if she doesn't?" CJ asked cutting Toby off. "Then am I guilty of stealing away what she didn't know she had? Are we all going to be guilty of taking what may have been their only chance at happiness?"
"CJ," Toby sighed feeling a familiar guilt rise through him, "Donna's gonna be…Donna's gonna make it." he whispered, his own voice laden with tears.
"I…I don't…I don't want to be guilty of that." CJ whispered watching Toby with sad eyes, "I don't want to live with this guilt. I don't… I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this guilt."
"I don't either." Toby sighed rubbing his eyes roughly.
"But what if that happens?" CJ asked gripping the cold sink behind her, with her trembling hands, "How do I apologize to Josh for that?"
"I…I…I don't know." Toby stuttered shaking his head.
"How do I tell Donna that I'm sorry?" CJ asked her voice wavering with emotion.
"I don't know…"
"How do I live with myself?"
Looking up at CJ, Toby rubbed his face tiredly. "You thank god for every single day that you have. You give thanks for every moment that you get to spend with the people you love."
Hastily wiping away her tears, CJ moved away from the cold unforgiving sink and wrapped her long arms around Toby's comforting body. "I love you." CJ whispered burying her face in his shoulder.
His own arms coming around to hold CJ's shaking body firmly against him, Toby kissed her soft and familiar hair. "I love you too."
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"How is he?"
Clutching the phone with unnecessary force, Leo quickly looked over at Josh's slouched profile. "Bad."
"How bad?"
"He hasn't said a word since the doctor was in there explaining it to us."
"Cancer, Leo." Jed sighed, "Damn."
"Yeah." Leo sighed.
"How large is the tumor?"
"Big enough to make the doctors worry."
"But it's benign?" Jed asked watching the ice in his glass melt away.
"Yeah," Leo said rubbing his eyes, "I guess we've got to be thankful for the small favors."
"I wish I could be there." Jed sighed, "I wish…"
"I know, sir."
"Leo?"
"Yeah?"
"Times like these," Jed said taking is glasses off, "it's Jed."
"Okay."
"Abby should be there soon."
"She really didn't need to come."
Laughing tiredly, Jed leaned back against his seat. "When have you know Abby not to rush to the scene and play doctor?"
"Don't let her hear you say that."
"Yeah."
Swallowing hard, Leo watched Josh sit stolidly in his chair. "I'm worried."
"About Donna?" Jed asked, "Don't. She's tough…"
"I meant Josh."
"Who's sitting with him?" Jed asked resisting the urge to screw the rules and jump into the first black suburban that he saw.
"Sam." Leo sighed, "Who happens to look just as bad as Josh."
"When he sees her, he'll be better."
"How do you know?" Leo asked.
"Because Josh will pull it together for Donna." Jed said confidently.
"How can you be so sure?" Leo asked rubbing his eyes.
"Because Donna did it for him."
Feeling a soft smile touch his heavy lips, Leo nodded. "Yeah. You're right."
"I always am."
"I'll try and remember that." Leo said gruffly, his voice laced with emotion.
"Cancer, huh?" Jed sighed.
"Yeah."
"They bring up an oncologist and neurologist?"
"Yeah."
"Leo?" Jed asked trying to keep his emotions in check.
"Yeah?"
"Tell Donna that I'm praying for her."
"Yeah." Leo said nodding his head to try and hide his own tears.
"Leo?"
"Yeah?"
"Tell Josh too."
"I will." Leo said looking over at Josh and Sam, "I will."
"A brain tumor." Jed whispered trying to make it feel real.
"Yeah."
"Leo?"
"Yeah, Jed?"
"It still doesn't feel real."
"I know." Leo sighed trying to hold it together. "I know."
"When are you going to see her?"
"As soon as they get her settled in her room." Leo said watching as familiar men in black suits swept into the empty halls. "Abby's here."
"I'll let you go then." Jed said.
"Okay." Leo said watching for a reaction out of Josh.
"Leo?"
"Yeah?"
"Everything's going to be okay."
"Yeah?" Leo asked trying to keep the doubt out of his voice.
"Yeah." Jed said confidently, "I'm always right. Remember?"
"I remember."
"Okay, I'll see you in a couple hours."
"Good night, sir."
"Night, Leo."
Hanging up the phone, Leo turned around to find Abby standing right behind him. "Abby."
"Leo," Abby said hugging him quickly, "where's Josh?"
"In there." Leo said nodding towards the waiting room. "He hasn't said a word since the doctors came in to talk to us."
"Is he in shock?" Abby asked worriedly.
"No," Leo said shaking his head, "that's what the doctors thought, but when they suggested a sedative or a bed, he still have the strength to glare."
"Okay," Abby said smiling softly, "I'll go in and check him out, then I'll go and find Donna's doctors."
"They should be down here soon." Leo said looking down the hall, "They said that they'd come and talk to us again after Donna was moved into her room."
"Have you seen her?"
"No. They gave her some drugs to cope with the pain, which they're surprised she could withstand, and she's out of it."
"Okay," Abby said straightening her shirt, "I'm gonna go and sit with Josh."
"Good luck." Leo sighed watching Abby stride purposely into the waiting room.
`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`
Sorry for the delay in getting this out...but I wanted to wrap up Dark Depths before giving this my full attention. I hope you liked it. Send suggestions my way if you want. ;]
-Lucy