Title: Fighter

Author: Lucy Mars

Disclaimer: *sigh* Nope, not mine. Oh, but if wishing made it so. ;]

Chapter #4:

"You can sit there and refuse to talk to me, but that doesn't mean that I won't sit here and talk to you." Abby said settling into the chair beside Josh.

Looking blankly at the sterile wall in front of him, Josh didn't acknowledge Abby's presence in the room, or the men clad in black suits and ear pieces that traveled with her. He didn't look, but Josh could feel Sam rise to his feet when Abby entered the room. If not as a formality, then as a sign of respect.

No. Tonight Josh didn't have respect of anyone...or anything. He would sit here and try not to break down as he waited for Donna. Maybe if he wasn't so scared, Josh wouldn't have been so quiet or still. Maybe if he wasn't so scared, he'd remember to breath every so often. Maybe if he wasn't so scared, he'd left it out.

He was so scared, terrified that the moment he opened the gates, they would never stop. Did he have enough tears to cry for Donna? No.

Watching Josh closely, Abby felt the familiar tug at her heart. The one that every mother felt when they couldn't protect their children. The same one she felt when Elizabeth suffered her first miscarriage. The same one she felt when Ellie fell and broke her arm when she was twelve. The same one that she felt when Zoey wanted to know why she couldn't love Charlie, without worrying about how she'd placed his life in danger. The same one she felt when she saw Donna sitting in this very hospital waiting for Josh. Reaching over, Abby gently took Josh's lax hand in hers and wove their fingers together.

"It's going to be okay, Josh." Abby whispered giving his limp and cold hand a soft squeeze.

Blinking rapidly, Josh tore his gaze away from the white wall and settled his lost eyes on Abby's soft face. "How?"

"It just will." Abby whispered feeling his pain wash over her. "It just will."

Taking a shaky breath, Josh hung his head in defeat. "I'm so scared."

Pulling Josh against her, Abby held him in a mother's embrace. "I know."

"It's Donna..." Josh whispered against her comforting shoulder, "Donna's not suppose...she's not suppose to fall...."

"You'll catch her." Abby said rubbing Josh's back and reaching over to give Sam's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "You will."

"What if I can't?" Josh asked his voice wavering and his head pounding.

"You can." Abby replied feeling his tears fall on her shoulder. "You will."

"What if..."

"We'll help." Abby said reassuring Josh. Looking over at Sam's compassionate face, Abby offered him a warm smile. "We'll all help."

"What if she can't be helped?" Josh asked, his voice hoarse and meek, "What if..."

"We always overestimate our worries and underestimate our potential." Abby sighed pulling back and looking Josh in the eye, "Don't underestimate Donna's potential."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Josh nodded slowly and focused on the blurring floor.

"Josh," Abby said catching his chin and making him look at her, "Donna has amazing potential. She's strong, and she's going to beat this."

"It's cancer." Josh whispered.

"But they caught it."

"It's a brain tumor, Abby." Josh murmured feeling the reality of the situation slam into his again.

"It's benign." Abby countered.

"It's big."

"But they can operated."

"The risks…" Josh said pulling his chin out of Abby's tender grasp, "all the risks…"

"I understand the risks," Abby said rubbing Josh's arms, "and so do you."

His hand unconsciously moving over his heart, Josh nodded.

"Donna understands the risks too." Abby said brushing the hair off of Josh's face, "She knows the risks of surgery, but she also knows the benefit."

Nodding in understanding, Josh gave Abby a quick glance into his battered heart. "I can't lose her, Abby."

"You won't." Abby said giving him a small smile.

"I want to see her." Josh whispered, "Can I see her?"

Offering Josh a sympathetic smile, Abby gave his hand a quick squeeze. She would run interference this time too. She did it for Donna, and she would do it for Josh. "I'll go and see how much longer."

"Abby?"

"Yeah?" Abby asked turning back around to watching Josh raise his tired and slowly lighting eyes back at her.

"Thank you."

Battling against her own rise of emotions, Abby gave Josh a reassuring smile and watched as Sam lost his own battle with his tears. "I'll be right back."

`~`~`~`~`

Have you ever had one of those moments where you wake up and you don't know where you are, but you do? I've spent the last ten minutes staring up at the intricate patterns on the sterile white ceiling pretending that I don't know where I am. That this is all a dream and any second now I'm going to wake up at my desk, scowl at a sheepish looking Josh for making me work so late while he was out with LockJaw...um, Amy, and steal his coffee. Yeah.

Any second now I'm going to wake up. All I have to do is snap myself out of this dream......beep, beep, beep......this nightmare.

Close my eyes. Open my eyes. Close them again. Open them, and curse the fact that the distinct smell of disinfectant, the beeping of a familiar monitor and the muted sounds of a functioning hospital haven't disappeared yet. Swallowing hard, I wince at the dull throbbing in my arm. Maybe if I don't look down and acknowledge the iv in my arm, then I won't have to deal with it. Maybe, just maybe... if I don't look around the bland beige room, I won't have to accept the fact that I'm lying in the hospital, that the familiar and eerie feeling of being loopy on morphine isn't real...that nothing is wrong.

If something was wrong, don't you think that I would know? This is my body. Mine. Through high times, low times and all those times in between, this has been my body. If something was wrong I would know. If something was so wrong, that I would land a one way trip to the hospital, I would know. Nothing's wrong. Trust me, after all these years and all the problems, I would know. This is nothing. Nothing. If something was wrong......if......if......if

"God," Donna whispered watching the ceiling blur with her tears, "not again."

`~`~`~`~`

"We can't hide in here forever." Toby said gently stroking CJ's back.

"We could try." CJ replied.

Pulling away from CJ, Toby shook his head. "I know that you would rather hide in here, but you can't. Life sucks, but not living it would suck even more."

Giving Toby a small smile, CJ ran a cold hand through her hair. "It's sucks, huh?"

"Shut up." Toby said going back to his gruff behavior.

"What happened to your superior grasp on the English language?" CJ asked splashing some cold water on her face.

"Are we going to stay here all night so that you can mock me?"

"Possibly,"

"CJ," Toby sighed grabbing her hand, "come on."

"I don't know if I can." CJ said hesitantly letting Toby pull her towards the door.

"You don't have much of a choice." Toby said opening the door.

"I don't?"

"No."

"But…"

"Claudia," Toby said giving her hand a quick squeeze, "just jump."

"Just jump?" CJ repeated skeptical.

"I'll catch you." Toby said softly.

Swallowing hard, CJ let Toby lead her out of her temporary haven and back into the real world.

`~`~`~`~`

"I'm okay, you can stop looking at me like I'm going to fall apart any second."

Sighing, Sam didn't take his eyes off of Josh. "I worry…"

"I know." Josh said not meeting Sam's eyes.

"It's just that…"

"I'm not going to go and break a window again, Sam." Josh said curtly.

"I'm not afraid of that." Sam said truthfully, "I could handle that."

"Could you?" Josh asked bitterly.

"Yes."

"Than what are you afraid of?" Josh asked.

"Right now," Sam said pointedly, "what you're doing right now."

"And what am I doing right now that's making you worry?" Josh asked confused.

"Absolutely nothing." Sam said watching Josh narrow his eyes and regard him strangely.

"What are you talking about?"

"You," Sam said pulling himself together, "I'm worried about you and how you're dealing with all of this."

"Sam…"

"No," Sam said cutting Josh off, "let me finish. I'm worried about you, Josh. You're holding it all in."

"And what do you want me to do?" Josh asked looking up at Sam with anger.

"I want you to talk to me. I want you to cry. I want you to just…I want you to…"

"You want me to what?"

"I want you to let it out."

"Let it out?" Josh questioned with a bitter laugh.

"Yes."

"How?"

"You opened up to Abby, and then the moment she left you clam up and go back to brooding." Sam said frustrated.

"How do you expect me to act?" Josh asked glaring now.

"I just want you to talk to me. To cry. To let it all out, Josh. Don't bottle it all up inside…"

"I can't." Josh said with a resolute shake of his head.

"And why not?" Sam demanded.

"Because," Josh whispered, "I don't know if I could stop."

"That's okay…"

"No," Josh said fighting against his tears, "it's not."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want Donna to see me like that." Josh said meeting Sam's worried eyes with his red ones, "I don't want her to see me scared."

"Fear is natural. It's okay to be scared…"

"No, it's not."

"Josh…"

"Sam," Josh said his heart clenching painfully, "she was there for me when I needed her. Donna pulled it together for me. Now it's my turn."

"She'd understand…"

"I know." Josh said shaking his head, "I know she would, but I want to be her rock. She was mine after…after...and I want to be someone that she can depend on."

Sighing, Sam relented when he realized that he wasn't getting anywhere. "Okay, but Josh...you know that..."

"I know, Sam." Josh said softening his tone, "I know."

"I'm here." Sam said needlessly. "We all are."

"I know." Josh said watching Toby lead a reluctant CJ back towards them, "I know."

"Okay." Sam sighed following Josh's eyes and meeting CJ's wide eyes.

"Hey," Toby said tugging CJ into the waiting room, "have the doctors come back yet?"

"No." Sam said meeting CJ's guilt ridden eyes with his own.

"Okay," Toby sighed sitting down next to Josh, "what do we do now?"

"We wait." Josh said solemnly, "We wait."

`~`~`~`~`

Dum, Dum, Dum. I know, I know.....this wasn't exactly the happiest fic out there. But I've done happy, and now I'm trying my hand at the not-so-happy. ;] Hope you liked this chapter. Really, I want to thank you guys for all the amazing feedback that I've been getting. It really pushes me to write more, because I'm just as impatient, if not worse, then all of you combined. I hate waiting too. ;] So send more feedback and maybe I'll write even faster. ;]

-Lucy [a.k.a The Queen of Angst according to Abby] ;]