THE LOOK OF LOVE: Part II
By starc*mpass
FEEDBACK: would be appreciated, but I'm not going to force you. :D
Jake leaned her head against her knees, half-listening to Finn's monologue and half-wishing Hamilton knew she was a girl. They hadn't been late to class --- not that it mattered to her anymore. Everything was swimming again, her problems were merging and they were turning her into this MASSIVE emotional time bomb.
And Finn was certainly not helping, that wanker. There were times she was glad to be leaving. Jake turned everything over in her mind. Technically, EVERYONE was leaving in a few days. But she would be the only one leaving for good.
She couldn't really remember when she had decided to leave but she was dead set on going. Playing the boy game wasn't really working for her. Everything was twisted when she was "Jake". The stupid boxer shorts, the sketchy moments, the hyperactive hormones and the emotional turmoil had given her more than enough experience to stop and think twice before launching another Brandon Teena campaign.
Jake stretched out her cargo clad legs slowly.
"Jaaaaaake." Finn drawled out as he always did when he noticed a student's inattention. "The night is for sleeping. You should try it out sometime." The older man said blandly. Will and Scout laughed quietly. Hamilton merely smiled. "Did you read the story?"
"Do you still call it Required Reading or have you come up with something more creative?" she blurted out without thinking. She flushed. Finn grinned and continued pacing.
"Did you find it believable?" Jake thought about this.
"Yes and No." she said thoughtfully, looking up at her teacher. He seemed surprised with her answer, but his expression quickly became one of interest. Will turned to look at her quizzically. She shrugged.
"Care to expound on that Mr. Pratt?"
"Well, it's not believable because of the fairy tale-like quality of the details. Golden Rams, gods and goddesses, talking ants. We do, after all, live in the Digital Age. We're talking Oz and not Kansas." Finn nodded in encouragement. "But it's believable because once you strip the story of the fantastic elements and just look into the emotional core, we find the quintessential love story." Jake could feel Ham looking at her, and she would have had the grace to blush if she hadn't been looking at Finn. THANK GOD she was looking at Finn. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "The characters discover love, lose it, then hunt it down again. Literally. And while they do all this, they encounter the everyday circumstances that fill our lives. Parents who don't seem to understand, the elements of nature, and the blunders you make as a human. The story in itself speaks of real problems, real pain. It's honest --- and that's what makes it believable."
"Well said, Mr. Pratt. Have you been discussing homework with Mr. Krudski?" Finn said, a smile plastered on his face. Jake nodded her thanks, and shifted her position slightly. "Now Mr. Calhoun, please tear your gaze from Ms. Bennett long enough to tell me…"
Jake was no longer with Finn or the others. Her mind had different to on to other things --- or other people. Namely, her gaze had wandered on over to Hamilton's vicinity. And instead of hearing Finn, she was hearing Afghan Whigs.
You walked in, just like smoke with a little come on, come on, come on. In your walk, Come on I've been waitin', Are you waiting…
If she had been aware of what had been happening to her, Jake would have smacked herself on the upside of the head. Caught in a McBeal moment. But as was when one got caught in the moment, Jake was completely unaware of her surroundings.
So tell me baby, can you shake it? If I can move it with ya, will you let me take it? I'll be down on my knees screamin' take me, take me, take me, take me! I'm yours…
Her eyes were obscured by the clumps of longish hair drooping in front of her eyes, which had its advantages. Ham seemed unconcerned with Finn's lecture and was too busy looking at the other students rushing back and forth the gardens. He still wore the thoughtful expression on his face --- as if he was trying to absorb everything surrounding him without looking like he was doing so. Jake bit back a snicker then stopped as Ham's eyes followed a passing short skirt. She tried not to look jealous and lowered her head so her hair would fall past her eyes some more.
I've never felt so out of control, you don't even know what you're doin' to me, come on and do it to me, don't you stop…
She was too busy watching Hamilton ogle the passing "chicks" to tell him that Finn was calling his attention. Not that she even cared. She was seeing too much red to care. Until Hamilton abruptly jerked his face around and Jake fell backwards in surprise.
"Mr. Pratt, I would ask you to lay off the caffeine." Finn smirked. Jake nodded sheepishly, and felt her cheeks grow warm. She suddenly wanted her girl hair back.
"And you, Mr. Fleming…"
"And you, Mr. Fleming…" Hamilton nodded, slightly embarrassed, but looking nonplussed. "Mind keeping your thoughts to PG-13 until we finish today's class? And while you're at it…kindly enlighten us with your thoughts on the reasons WHY Eros told Psyche that love could not exist without trust?"
Hamilton thought about this for awhile. He took some time out to gather his thoughts first, seeing as he HAD read the story, but had been too preoccupied with other things to pay attention to the class. He was thinking Jake must have been pretty blown away too, his friend was turning a dark tomato red shade.
"Well…" Hamilton began lightly. Why HAD Eros said that? "I guess he wanted to sort out his emotions…" He said hesitantly. Finn tapped his chin thoughtfully.
"Go on, Mr. Fleming."
"Well…seeing that Eros was the god of Love --- he himself had never fallen in love before. If you read it, the moment he sees Psyche, the writer says; '…As he looked upon her it was as if he had shot one of the arrows into his own heart…' He was obviously was confused, because he could barely imagine anything like that. So he felt he had to say something, to somehow express the mixed-up feelings inside of him so it would be easier for him to deal with. And partly so Psyche would know, even in a really scattered, uncertain way that he couldn't understand what he was feeling himself."
The whole class was quiet, and looked at him with surprise. Will raised an eyebrow at him, and Jake smirked. (At least Hamilton THOUGHT, Jake was smirking.) Finn's smile widened as he looked at Hamilton.
"THAT, Mr. Fleming, is what you call using your noggin! It's good for something after all. I actually got you to say something more than 'pondscum' or 'personality'!" He declared triumphantly. Hamilton's cheeks colored quickly, but he managed to laugh good-naturedly with everyone else. He would complain later. He felt a nudge on his elbow with a sneaker, and turned to face Jake. His friend merely shook his head and mouthed "wanker". Hamilton tried not to laugh out loud. He should have known Jake would say that.
[K's Choice – Almost Happy begins to play]
Scout Calhoun thoughtfully watched as events unfolded in the world below. He pressed his elbows against the cement ledge of the rooftop and peered over it --- observing the students coming in and out of the building.
"Why," Will mused, "Do I get the feeling that you're thinking possibly censored thoughts of topless beaches FAR FAR AWAY from New Rawley?" Scout grinned cockily.
"You can say that. Like the Beatles said, I'll be free as a bird."
If I could look beyond your face and photograph your hidden place, would I find you smiling in the picture?
"Well at least someone's going to have fun." Hamilton grumbled from his place beside Will. "I don't GET a vacation. My life is one long semester at Rawley --- except that my parents are ALWAYS around and I'm not loaded."
"At least you HAVE a home." Will said.
"At least you know were to find your parents when you need them." Jake muttered. Scout looked over at Jake, then back to Hamilton. Jake continued. "I mean, I have only one parent left, and half the time I don't even know where in the world she might be. The only thing I have at home that I care about is Consuela and my room. My mother knows NOTHING about me, and sometimes, I don't even think she cares."
I don't know what you want because you don't know, so what's the point of asking? You're almost happy, almost content. But you're head hurts…
"But you're still leaving Rawley?!" Scout said incredulously. "I mean, if you're happy here, why leave? At least you're happy." Will nodded in agreement.
"I would think you would do either of two things. The Hell's Angel thing…" Will paused at Jake's skeptical look, and Hamilton's muffled snicker. "Which concerns you hightailing out of New York. But then, you already did that. So, that leaves the angry Rebel child. Which is staying here, as Scout said, because that's for your best interests." Jake shook her head.
Far too many ways to go, we learn so much but never know, where to look or when we should stop looking.
"Dude, that's not the point. I mean, I AM happy here – but my mom didn't order me to leave Rawley. It's MY decision. And I resent the Hell's Angel title, Krudski. The reason I'm really doing this is because BEYOND being happy, I need to fix myself first. It's that whole Midnight Train to Georgia complex." They looked up at her in confusion. She exhaled loudly. "It's a SONG, damn it. And what I mean by that is, I NEED to leave to be able to see things in a different way, so I'll be able to understand, you know…MY LIFE." She shook her head and exhaled again. "Now if you don't mind … I'm tired of listening to us whine. Let's go inside and see if we can hack into the message boards so we can ruin Ryder's reputation there at Rawley Girls." She said wickedly.
You're almost happy, almost content. But your head hurts…
[Sick of Myself by Matthew Sweet drifting in the background]
Alone in his room, Hamilton thoughtfully looked out the window, his fingers idly strumming the guitar on his lap. Too impatient to play with his dogs, too preoccupied to talk to Will and Scout and far too muddled up to pay Jake a visit, he simply sat there and tried to figure himself out.
You don't know how you move me, deconstruct me and consume me…
He analyzed and started picking apart the conversation he'd had with Will, Scout and Jake up at the rooftop. He'd already known Jake was leaving since the first week they'd met, but at the time he'd merely shrugged the fact off and it simply slipped his mind. Now that he was reminded of it, he'd suddenly been overwhelmed by the idea.
I'm all used up, I'm out of luck, I am star struck, by something in your eyes and it's keeping my hope alive. I'm sick of myself when I look at you, something is beautiful and true…
Who would have thought that 3 months of their incessant, unadulterated, unrestrained conversations would have affected him this way?
In a world that's ugly and a lie, it's hard to even want to try. I'm beginning to think…
No one else got him like Jake did.
He doubted anyone else would.
Baby, you don't know.
Jake sat at her desk, her fingers busy spreading silver glitter over the blue paper that had been sitting on her desk for the past week. Among her surroundings were two half-filled boxes of clothes and personal objects, as well as her opened trunk. Her stereo was on again, but it seemed the CD she'd been listening to had finished sometime ago.
If anyone had asked her what she was doing, Jake wouldn't have had an answer. She played around with stuff like that sometimes, her fingers would take on a mind of her own. She assumed that it came from the need inside her to keep her hands busy, because being alone most of the time caused her to find ways to entertain herself, and eventually found herself losing track of the time when blending colors.
She gingerly wiped the bridge of her nose with the back of her hand, but only succeeded in smearing more silver glitter on her face. Not that she was aware of that. Her face was itching, but she was feeling much better than she had right after the conversation she'd had with Will, Scout and of course, the source of her frustration, Hamilton.
"Hamilton." She murmured.
I'll take or leave, the room to breathe, the choice to leave you.
"You rang?" said an unmistakable voice behind her. Surprised, Jake fell from her chair and landed on square on her ass. A quirky, sad smile broke over his face as he offered a hand to help her stand. She blushed under his gaze, but looked down to keep him from seeing that. He raised his eyebrows when he realized that holding her hand had given his own smears of silver glitter. He raised his eyebrows.
"Idle Hands, Devon?" he smirked. She shook her head and rolled her eyes at him.
"You suck, Fleming." He laughed, and they shared a quick look before they both realized what they were doing and turned they heads away from each other quickly.
I'll throw away a chance at greatness just to make this dream come into play, I don't know if I'll find a way…
Hamilton suddenly felt a strong urge to wipe the glitter that had somehow found it's way to Jake's lips, but he shook it off hastily. Jake's green eyes looked at him in confusion and he smiled slightly in embarrassment.
Cause I'm sick of myself when I look at you, something is beautiful and true in a world that's ugly and a lie, it's hard to even want to try. I'm beginning to think, baby you don't know.
"So…" Jake began. "What brings you here?"
"I…you…all packed?" He said hesistantly.
"Well, I'm sorta done." She answered, looking straight at him. She began to wonder why he was was there, REALLY, what he was doing in her room all of a sudden. She was about to say so, when he looked up suddenly and turned to face her. She looked back at him expectantly. "What is it?"
"Need any help?" he asked. Jake started to think of any possible tell-tale girly thing she might have not packed yet, then decided there was none.
"Yeah, sure." She said, and shrugged her shoulders. "Why not." And they both stood to finish her packing.
"Hey Jake." She looked at him again.
"What is it now?" she laughed. "You're pretty zonked, you know that?" He laughed too.
"We…we had a good summer didn't we?" He said. Hamilton meant to say that he would miss him, but he couldn't bring himself to say so. He only hoped Jake would understand.
Jake nodded. She did.
I'm beginning to think, baby you don't know.