Title: Fighter
Rating: Meh, PG-13 for swearing. I'm a potty mouth. Sue me. ;]
**This has not been edited, because I feared a lynching if I didn't get this out ASAP!! All mistakes are mine! ;]**
Chapter #6:
"I don't want too."
"You have too."
"No," Donna pouted trying to pull out of her father's gentle grasp, "Please daddy, don't make me go."
"You have too." Robert persisted trying not to hurt Donna as he held onto her frail wrist, "It's to make you feel better."
"But it makes me feel sick." Donna whimpered looking away from her father and playing with the edge of her shirt, "I don't want to go anymore daddy. I don't like it there."
"I know baby, I know." Robert said cupping Donna's pale face, "I'm sorry you're sick, but you need to go. The doctor said a few days. At most."
"That's what she said last time too." Donna reminded him, "I ended up staying for whole three weeks." Donna pouted holding up three chubby fingers. "I don't want to stay in the hospital. It smells funny and I get bored."
"But I'll be there with you the whole time." Robert promised giving his daughter a small smile, "I promise."
"What about work?" Donna asked surprised.
"Don't worry about that. Just concentrate on getting better, okay?"
Nodding, Donna wrapped her little arms around her father. "I love you daddy."
"I love you too." Robert whispered leaning over and kissing Donna's little blonde head, "Donnatella, my little bella Donnatella."
Smiling, Donna looked up at her father. "Mommy use to call me that."
"I know." Robert whispered looking down at his little blonde baby girl. She was her mother's daughter.
"Can we bring Suzy?" Donna asked looking up at her father with big blue eyes.
"Yeah," Robert nodded trying to blink back his tears, "Why don't you go and get Suzy? I'll go and grab your favorite pajamas from the dryer."
"The pink ones with the little balloons?" Donna asked spinning around and giving her father a bright smile.
"Yeah," Robert nodded, "the ones with the little balloons."
Titling her head to the side, Donna gave her father a small smile as her blonde hair glowed in the morning sunlight. "Daddy?"
"Yeah baby?" he asked, his breath catching when he watched his wife's smile dance in his daughters eyes.
Giving her father a mischievous smile, Donna stumbled over her rarely used Italian. "Non si preoccupi, Daddy."
Feeling genuine laughter bubble beneath his heavy heart, Robert gave Donna a misty smile. "I don't worry."
"You do daddy." Donna grinned, "You worry too much. Don't."
"I'll try not too." Robert promised.
"Okay," Donna smiled, "Everything's going to be okay, daddy."
"I hope so." Robert whispered watching Donna search for her doll, "I hope so."
`~`~`~`~`
"A book?" Donna asked incredulously.
"What?" Robert asked fussing over Donna and fluffing her pillows, "It looks interesting."
"A book?" Donna repeated.
"You can't watch television all day." Robert said rolling his eyes.
"Don't worry," Donna said gesturing at the schoolbooks that were sitting at the foot of her bed, "I've got lots to do."
Smiling, Robert kissed the top of Donna's head affectionately. "It seems like an interesting book, Donnatella."
"'Everything That You Could Know, That You Don't Need To Know?'" Donna laughed reading the title of the book. "Are you serious, daddy?"
"What would you have preferred?" Robert asked sitting down on the hospital bed, "Nancy Drew or The Babysitters Club?"
Wrinkling her noise in disgust, Donna shook her head. "No way, daddy. Those are girly books."
"Oh I'm sorry." Robert laughed, "How about I get the Hardy Boys next time?"
"Nope, get Moby Dick." Donna told her father seriously.
"Moby Dick?"
"What's wrong with that?" Donna asked eyeing her father suspiciously.
"It's just that it's an awfully big book, for such a little girl."
"Daddy!" Donna yelped appalled, "I am not a little girl anymore. I am 12 years old!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Robert said with mock fear, "I forgot. How forgetful of me."
"Now you're just teasing me." Donna pouted.
"I'm sorry baby," Robert laughed, "but you'll always be my little girl."
Rolling her eyes, Donna cracked the heavy tome open and read from a random page. "Did you know that an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?"
"No," Robert grinned, "but now I do."
Flipping to a random page, Donna couldn't help but laugh. "Did you know that Reindeer like to eat bananas?"
"See, it's a good book."
"Yeah," Donna conceded, "it is."
`~`~`~`~`
"Donna, you have too."
"No." Donna snapped titling her chin up and concentrating on the television in the corner of the room.
"Donnatella, eat something."
"No."
Frowning, Robert grabbed the remote and turned off the television.
"Daddy!"
"Eat something and I will let you watch television." Robert explained calmly.
"I was watching that." Donna yelled, ignoring her father's calm attitude, "Turn it back on."
"No." Robert said simply.
"You're being unfair."
"Eat." Robert commanded pushing the tray of food back in front of Donna's frowning face.
"No." Donna said crossing her arms angrily.
"If you don't eat, you can't get better."
Scoffing, Donna narrowed her eyes at her father. "I gave up at getting better a long time ago."
"Don't say that." Robert said his face paling considerably, "Don't say that."
"It's been 8 years of this crap," Donna spat out gesturing around the confining hospital room, "I don't want to do this anymore."
"You don't mean that." Robert said shaking his head.
With her glorious 14 years of wisdom, Donna laughed bitterly. "I don't know, saying it out loud makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here hooked up to all these machines. I wonder what it would feel like to stop taking my meds and…"
"Stop!" Robert yelled getting up from his chair, "Stop saying that. You don't mean that."
"What if I did?" Donna asked.
"You don't."
Looking at her father, Donna felt her heart melt as her eyes fell on the familiar lines that had been around his mouth and eyes for years now. He was tired, she knew. He was scared too. So was she. She was so damn tired. No, she didn't mean it…at least not today. But who knew, with the way her life was going, she just might tomorrow.
"Donna?"
"Yeah daddy?" Donna asked sighing heavily.
"You don't mean it…right?" Robert asked anxiously.
"No," Donna sighed picking up her fork and picking at her food, "I don't." At least not right now, but she made no promises.
"Okay," Robert said letting out the breath that he'd been holding.
Feeling her father's eyes on her, Donna suppressed the sigh that was climbing up her throat and swallowed a forkful of food that she knew she was going to throw up later. Her chemo never let her keep anything down. Yeah, she just might mean it tomorrow.
"Donna?" Robert asked watched his daughter struggle to eat her dinner without being ill.
"Yeah?"
"I love you." Robert said softly.
"I know." Donna nodded, "I know."
"Always remember that." Robert urged, "Always."
"I will." Donna promised looking up at her father.
`~`~`~`~`
Lying perfectly still, Donna bit the inside of her cheek as she listened to the muffled sounds of her father choking down his angry tears. It was another year gone by, another hospital room to spend her birthday in, and another long night for them both. Closing her eyes, Donna continued to play possum as her father cried for all the years that they suffered. She couldn't leave him. He wouldn't have anyone left. They were all each other had. This was their family and their life. No, she wouldn't leave him. He needed her and she needed him. 'Oh daddy,' Donna though as she felt her own tears trail down her cheek, 'non si preoccupi.'
`~`~`~`~`
Feeling the wet rain soak her black sweater, Donna watched with detachment as they lowered her father's body into the ground. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to live together and greet every morning together with a smile. She fought for him. She stayed because she couldn't bear the thought to leaving her father alone. And now, as ironic as it was, he was the one that left her. Looking down at the blood red roses that she held, Donna held her hand over the dark hole and watched as the red petals swayed with the wind and drifted down towards her father.
"Mi ricordo," Donna whispered as the wind and cold rain mingled with her tears, "I will always remember daddy."
`~`~`~`~`
It had been three months of denying that nothing was wrong that had led to this. It had been two years of her life wasted on a man who didn't love. It had been another man that she couldn't bear to leave to his own devices. Only this time, it was different. This wasn't her father. He wasn't the love of her life. He wasn't even her friend. He was a med student that let Donna believe that he could fill her void and make her dreams come true. Colin was nothing more than a jackass. A jackass med student who would be broke and would flunk out of med school when she left him. She wouldn't be here to pay the bills. She wouldn't be here to quiz him on the topic of the week with her 54 index cards. She just wouldn't be here.
Throwing the last of her belongings into her suitcase, Donna looked around the neat apartment with a sense of loss. Two years of her life and she could fit it all into a battered suitcase that had seen too many trips to the hospital and three cardboard boxes that she could easily fit into her father's car. Grabbing her car keys from the coffee table, Donna looked up just as CNN flashed its logo across the screen. Maybe if she had enough room…or strength for that matter, she would have taken the television with her, but she didn't. It was all right. She would make up for it with her freedom and inspiration. Watching as CNN did a quick piece on the Governor of New Hamshire, Donna was stuck with inspiration and direction. She knew where she was going now. She was going to help a man become President of the United States.
`~`~`~`~`
He needed her. It was nice to be needed. It was nice to have the freedom of knowing that she had someone who genuinely needed her. Josh was a mess before she worked her way into his cluttered life. He missed meetings, he lost memos and he forgot to eat before she arrived. Josh needed her and for once, it was nice to know that she was needed. Not because he didn't have anyone else, he had a bitchy girlfriend, not because he needed her paycheck, god knows he has more money than her and not because she was fun to be with. No, Josh needed her because she kept his life running. He needed her for her skills. He needed her because nobody else could do what she did. Make sense of the chaos that he created. It was nice to be needed.
`~`~`~`~`
"Colin, how did you find me?" Donna demanded looking around the chaotic campaign office with a feeling of panic. If Josh saw Colin, he would call him Dr. Freeride and then pound him. Just what the campaign needed, a fight between a senior advisor and a jackass of a guy who just walked into headquarters.
"Donna, I've changed…"
"Oh please," Donna scoffed trying to walk away.
"No, really," Colin said blocking Donna's path, "I've changed."
Raising an unbelieving eyebrow, Donna crossed her arms and found herself mimicking Josh's arrogant pose.
"I have." Colin persisted, "Come back Donna."
"Listen Dr. Free…Colin, just go away."
"No," Colin replied, "not until you hear me out."
"You really aren't going to say anything that I want to hear." Donna snapped, "Now unless you want to pay me back for two years of my life, than I suggest you leave."
"I love you." Colin tried.
Rolling her eyes, Donna felt a frown crease her face. She didn't have time for this. "I don't have time for this."
"I can't live without you."
"You seem to have survived just fine for the last 6 weeks." Donna pointed out, side stepping Colin and grabbing a pile of messages that Josh needed. Where the hell was he. He was supposed to be here by now. If he slept in, she was going to kill him.
"I've been miserable."
"Colin, newsflash." Donna snapped, "That was the story of my life for two years."
His face falling, Colin watched as Donna moved around the campaign headquarters with ease and confidence. Even from the two minutes that he'd spent here, she could see the change. She carried herself with this new energy. She spoke and commanded other volunteers with ease. She was a new woman. "Marry me."
Stopping dead in her tracks, Donna slowly turned around to look at Colin. "What?"
"Marry me." Colin repeated pushing off of the table that he was leaning against.
"Are you kidding me?" Donna laughed.
Her laughter stinging, Colin shook his head. "I'm serious."
"Do you have a ring with you?" Donna asked.
"Well…no." Colin stuttered feeling his face flush.
"Do you have a ring picked out?" Donna asked walking closer towards Colin.
"Well…yes, no….no…well, maybe…" Colin stuttered feeling his face flush crimson as Donna closed in on him and his lie.
"Then why propose."
"Because I love you?"
"Was that a question?" Donna asked feeling her annoyance and anger grow.
"No." Colin lied.
"Colin…" Donna said with a warning tone.
"Yes," Colin sighed defeated.
"I think that it would be best if you left," Donna said narrowing her eyes at Colin and pointing towards the door, "or I would be inclined to give security a call."
With a definite hunch in his shoulders, Colin gave Donna once last pleading look.
"No," Donna said cutting him off before he could say a word, "just go."
"Fine." Colin snapped spinning on his heel and storming out of the campaign headquarters.
"Jackass." Donna muttered to herself as she headed towards Josh's office. Reaching out to grab the phone, Donna felt the floor suddenly shift beneath her. Grabbing the edge of his desk to steady herself, Donna felt panic seize her as the familiar sensation engulf her. The whole room seemed to tilt on it's axis and blur it's familiar shade of gray. "No," Donna whispered closing her eyes, "no, not again."
"Donna?"
Spinning around in surprise, Donna tried to hide her fear. "Hey, CJ."
"Is Josh in yet?" CJ asked eyeing Donna curiously.
"Ah, no." Donna said looking around the room, "Ah, he's not here yet."
"Okay." CJ said watching Donna grip the desk, "Are you okay?"
"Me?" Donna squeaked, "I'm fine. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course." Donna lied plastering a fake smile on her face, "Just all this catching up with me."
"Okay," CJ said not believing her, "Tell Josh I want to talk to him when he comes in?"
"Sure, sure." Donna said nodding hastily. Watching CJ disappear around the corner, Donna fell into Josh's chair heavily. Taking a deep breath, Donna looked down at her shaking hands and swallowed hard. "No," she whispered, "no."
`~`~`~`~`
Sitting nervously in her oncologist's office, in Madison Wisconsin, Donna tapped her foot as she waited for her test results to come back. She left New Hampshire two weeks ago. It was that familiar feeling that had driven her home. Fear. She didn't know if she could do this again. She didn't know who she was fighting for this time. She didn't know if she wanted to fight this time.
Listening to the deafening ticking of the clock behind her, Donna closed her eyes and tried no to think of Josh. He'd been angry when she told him she was leaving. He felt betrayed. Why he felt that way, Donna didn't understand, and why she felt like she'd betrayed him, she didn't understand. It was this new feeling of guilt that had eaten away at her when she lied and told Josh that she was going back to Dr. Freeride. It shouldn't have been. There was no reason to feel guilty. She lied, yes, but only because it was her only option. What was she suppose to tell him? That she left because she was scared that she was dying again? That she left because there was a possibility that life could be a bigger bitch and she could stand to lose everything…again?
No, as wrong as it felt, she did the right thing. Josh didn't need to hear her problems and Donna didn't want to share them. No. She didn't the right thing.
"Donna,"
"Dr. Lewis," Donna said looking up in surprise. She hadn't even heard her come in.
"Well, I have your test results here." Dr. Lewis said flipping through the papers that she was holding.
"And?" Donna asked anxiously.
"It seems that you're anemic."
"Anemic?" Donna repeated in disbelief.
"Yeah,"
"So I'm still in remission?" Donna asked feeling her face flush with relief.
"Yeah, you just need to take better care of yourself." Dr. Lewis frowned looking at Donna's test results, "Eat properly, rest and try to keep the stress under control."
Laughing, Donna felt the tension of the past few weeks melt away. "I don't know if I could do that Dr. Lewis."
"Why not?"
"Because," Donna explained giving her doctor Josh's patented smirk, "a Presidential campaign isn't a place you'll find yourself doing any of those things."
`~`~`~`~`
Clutching the telephone in horror, Donna felt memories of days long past wash over her. The loud noise of celebration drowned out by the pounding in her ears, Donna looked up and felt her eyes scan the room for Josh. With trembling hands she set the phone down and urged her suddenly frozen legs to move. She needed to move. She needed to find Josh. Josh needed to know. Oh my god, Josh needed to know.
Pushing past the celebrators, Donna moved through the rooms and looked for Josh. Spotting his laughing and cheering, Donna felt her heart weep for him. She knew what if felt like to lose a father. She knew how much Josh loved and admired his father. Oh god, she needed to get to Josh.
"Josh," Donna said suspiciously misty.
"Donna!" Josh laughed practically bouncing on his heels, "Dance with me."
"Josh," Donna tried pulling out of his grasp.
Not hearing her over the noise of the party, Josh tugged at Donna's hand as he continued to smile at her.
"Josh, your father died."
`~`~`~`~`
It's a fear that she'll have for the rest of her life. From today, till the day she dies, any 'Breaking News' logo will make her blood run cold. Whenever news is on television when it shouldn't be, Donna will wonder if her world is threatening to fall apart again, if her life is about to end along with his.
She would have thought being in a hospital would have triggered some awful memories, but this place doesn't look like a hospital. Men in black suits are at every possible corner, sirens are blaring as the crowd outside continues to grow, and television crews and cameras have GW covered at all entrances. It's not a hospital. It's a zoo. A chaotic one since Donna can't seem to fight her way through the crowd. Clutching her White House badge like a lifeline, Donna finally spots an agent that she knows and she knows knows her.
"Tom!" Donna yelled, desperation and frustration eating away at her, "Tom!"
His tense face whipping through the crowd, Tom spotted Donna's pale face immediately. Reaching out, he pulled her past the fighting crowd and past the barricades.
"Thanks." Donna said slightly breathless, "Do you know where Josh is?"
His carefully masked face chipped slightly as he remained silent.
"Tom?"
"Come with me," Tom commanded grabbing Donna's arm and leading her past the various check points.
"Where's Josh?" Donna asked feeling fear start to spread through her.
"She's cleared." Tom told an agent stationed outside the waiting room.
Nodding, the silent agent moved past the door and pulled it open for Donna.
"Tom?" Donna asked confused.
"The senior staff is in there, Donna." Tom said softly.
"Okay," Donna nodded slipping into the room.
`~`~`~`~`
When she was 5 she lost her mother to cancer. When she was 7 they diagnosed her with cancer. From age of 7 to 16, she fought. For 9 years she fought, because she couldn't leave her father. For 9 years, she hated life. Then, just as soon as it seems like the clouds were clearing and she'll finally have normal life with her father, he dies. At 19 she's an orphan. At 19 she doesn't know where her life is going, or what she'll do. All she knows is that she's scared and lonely. All she has is a life insurance policy that will get her two years of school. All she has is herself. A battered body and a broken heart. Then, she thinks she falls in love. Collin seems like the perfect man. Older, wiser and a med student to boot. He seemed like the man who would take care of her forever. A man who would understand her needs and always love her. Collin fit perfectly into the dream life that she desired. The one that she never had. He seemed perfect. The problem was, he wasn't. It took her too long to realize that, but she didn't look back. Of all the things she hated about herself, that was the one thing she loved. She didn't look back. Even when he came back to offer her a second chance at the dream, she refused. It was because Governor Bartlet and Josh had taught her that she needed to fulfill her dreams herself. She couldn't wait for someone to hand her the perfect little life. She needed to find it and achieve it herself. And she would.
Life wasn't supposed to get harder. It was supposed to get easier. Donna did the hard stuff already. If life were fair, which it wasn't, she would coast through the rest of her remaining years.
But, as life had proven many times in the past, it was a bitch.
Now, she was sitting in a waiting room wondering if the man she loved would die. Yeah, life was a bitch.
`~`~`~`~`
"I'm not taking them."
"You have too."
"Tough." Josh grunted.
Holding her hand out patiently, Donna wasn't deterred by Josh's foul mood. She was the Queen of foul moods. She had 9 years to hone and perfect them. Josh had nothing on her. "Josh, you have too."
"Well, I'm not going too." Josh said obviously in pain.
Sighing, Donna sat down on the bed beside Josh. "You're in pain."
"They make me loopy." Josh grumbled trying to roll his body away from Donna.
Placing a soothing hand on his cheek, Donna silently stilled him. "I know, but I'd rather you be loopy then in pain."
"Really Donna, I'm not taking them." Josh said grinding his teeth in pain.
"You are going too." Donna told him.
"No, I'm not." Josh said getting angry now.
"You're going to take them, even if I have to shove them down your throat." Donna informed him calmly.
"I'm the boss here." Josh frowned.
"No," Donna corrected gesturing around the neat bedroom, "you're a friend in pain right now, and I'm trying to help. Right now, at this moment, you're Joshua. Not Josh Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff, not Josh Lyman, my boss, and not Josh Lyman professional hostile witness."
Feeling a small smile tug at his lips, Josh still refused to take the pills.
"Josh," Donna whispered watching the cold beads of sweat form on his forehead, "please."
"Donna…"
"No," Donna said shaking her head with a firm expression, "I'm not taking no for answer."
Sighing, Josh took the multicolor pills from Donna and swallowed them. Drinking the water that she offered his, Josh watched as Donna tilted her head to the side and graced him with a rare smile. This one was genuine and beautiful. Free of worry and fear. Free of pain and wonderment. This was just for him. Her hair cascaded down her shoulder and sparkled under the setting sun.
Watching Josh fight sleep, Donna slowly stroked his arm and lulled him to sleep.
"Will you stay?" Josh whispered feeling slumber creep up on him.
"Yeah," Donna promised letting her fingers drift towards his soft hair, "I will."
"Promise?" Josh whispered.
"Promise." Donna confirmed, "Don't worry, Josh. Non si preoccupi."
Watching Josh sleep into a peaceful night of sleep, Donna let her lips brush across his knitted brow. "Ti amo," Donna whispered, her lips grazing his cool skin, "I love you."
`~`~`~`~`
"Rules?" Josh asked incredulously.
"Rules." Donna nodded.
Looking up from the physics magazine that he was reading, Josh raised an unbelieving eyebrow. "What kind of rules?"
"All kinds." Donna answered, moving around his room and opening a window so that he could feel the warm summer breeze.
"Are you serious?"
"Very."
"You're insane."
"You're just figuring this out now?" Donna asked.
Amused by her light mood, Josh threw his magazine down and patted the space next to him. "Why the sudden need for rules?"
"It's not sudden." Donna countered sitting down gently, not to moved the bed too much and hurt Josh.
"Ah yeah, it is."
Shifting uncomfortably, Donna shrugged her shoulders. "It's just that I'm going back to work on Monday and I want to make sure that you understand that you're still recovering."
"I know that." Josh lied.
"I'm not bring work back Josh."
"Why not?" Josh whined.
"Because you're still recovering." Donna reminded him again.
"Just a couple of things about…"
"No."
"But…"
"No."
"Donna!" Josh whined again.
"No Joshua," Donna said with a definite shake of her head, "I'm not bringing you work."
"Just something to read…"
"No."
"How about a couple of memos on…"
"No."
"Is that you're word of the day?" Josh asked annoyed.
"If you don't stop asking to bring you back work, than yes."
"I'm not asking," Josh smirked, "I'm telling you."
"And I'm telling you no." Donna replied.
"Who's the boss here?" Josh asked, his smile telling her that he wasn't angry.
"You're not the only one wondering that." Donna smiled.
"What's on t.v. tonight?" Josh asked reaching over for his remote.
Grabbing it for him so that he wouldn't strain his stitches, Donna flipped it on. "Lets check."
"Go to CNN."
"No."
"Why the hell not?" Josh asked.
"Because Crossfire is on and you don't like Tucker." Donna said jumping to the Discovery Channel.
"He's annoying." Josh muttered trying to think of a way to take the remote from Donna.
"He's a republican." Donna smirked holding the remote out of reach, "Same thing."
Laughing, Josh leaned back against his pillows.
`~`~`~`~`
"You knew."
"Yeah."
"How?"
"I just did." Donna said navigating the dark streets.
"Do you have a freaky sixth sense?" Josh asked trying to get a look at Donna's dark face.
"No." Donna sighed pulling into the emergency parking lot.
"Are you angry?" Josh asked softly.
"What?" Donna asked looking up from Josh as she killed the engine.
"Are you mad at me?" Josh asked looking down at his makeshift bandage.
"No," Donna whispered. She wasn't angry with him. She was angry with herself. For not taking it to Leo earlier. For not being there when he needed her. For being so damn afraid of walking into GW.
"Okay," Josh said hesitantly.
"I'm not mad at you, Josh." Donna whispered licking her dry lips.
"Okay," Josh repeated getting out of the car.
Taking a deep breath, Donna got out of the car too and walked over to lead Josh into the emergency room. She could do this. She could pull it together for Josh. She could walk into GW and not fall apart. She would be okay. As long as Josh was okay, she was okay. And he was okay. Oh god, he had to be.
"Donna?"
"Yeah?" Donna asked, her head snapping up in surprise.
Giving Donna a sheepish smile, Josh gestured at his watch. "Merry Christmas, Donnatella."
Returning the smile, Donna looped her arm with Josh's and gave him a soft tug. "Merry Christmas, Josh."
`~`~`~`~`
"Do you understand, Donna?"
Feeling the sounds of her childhood come rushing back, Donna wadded through the beeping and buzzing of machines and cries of infants next door, and nurses with squeaky shoes. "Is he in any pain?"
"Pardon?" Toby asked leaning forward, as if he had misheard Donna.
"Is he in any pain?" Donna repeated, trying to push through the past and return to reality.
"Ah…ah…no." Toby stumbled trying to find the right words, "No, he's not in any pain."
"Okay," Donna said forcing herself to her feet. "Okay."
"Okay." Toby replied dumbly.
Swallowing hard against the onslaught of memories, Donna slipped out of Toby's office and headed back towards her own. There wasn't time to wonder or cry. There wasn't time to be shocked or surprised. There was a country to run.
`~`~`~`~`
How is it possible for one moth to hold so many tragedies? First her mother died, than Josh was shot, and now Mrs. Landingham wouldn't be able to enjoy her new car. Was it possible for this month to get any worse?
Watching Josh clench his jaw as she raised the coffin onto his shoulder, Donna had to duck her head to hide her tears.
Yes, this month could get worse, because it could mark the last days of the real thing.
`~`~`~`~`
Things didn't so much fall apart, as start to unravel. It was a slow and tedious process that Donna watched with wide eyes. It was like an accident. It was horrific, but you just couldn't take your eyes away. Story of her life really.
It was her own fault, she knew. But it wasn't at the same time. He could be angry, he could be upset, but he didn't have the right to feel betrayed. She didn't sell state secrets. She didn't do it purposely to hurt him. She did it because Cliff was a nice guy and he wanted her. God, Cliff wanted her. He thought that she was funny, smart and attractive. Do you know how rare it is to find a decent man in D.C.? So he's a republican, it's not a big deal. Only it is. Because really, life is a bitch.
Leave it to Donna to find the one man who wanted her, and couldn't have her. Actually, if you think about it, it's ironic. She wants Josh, but she can't have him. Life really is a bitch.
`~`~`~`~`
She can be the bigger person. She can be an adult. She can see that they are perfect for each other…even though at times they don't like each other very much. She's not blind. She can see the attraction. Physical and mental. They are just male and female versions of each other. She can see that they want each other. She can see that it can become something more. She can see that they are perfect for each other…career wise anyways. She can see how they would be the new power couple of D.C. She can see how people would think that they are perfect for each other.
She can see it all, she's not blind, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. If anything, it makes it hurt more.
Donna can see how she and Josh are getting back towards their thing, but she can also see how much their thing has changed. Maybe because of Amy, and maybe not. Maybe because of Cliff, and maybe not. Maybe because the real world came knocking and they finally answered.
Todd was never a threat to their delicate balance. Joey was never a major threat either, though at times it felt like it. All the random people that they've bumped into the last two years have never been more then a minor bump in their thing. But now, it seems that this isn't a bump in their thing. This is a detour. This is reality knocking after so long and smashing down their walls.
This isn't about blaming the people in their lives, their jobs and it's restraints or their fear to take their thing to another level. It's about wasted time, and the span of time left. It's about life flashing a sign about how they can either continue on the rocky road they're traveling and see if the path clears ahead, or take the detour that life is offering and leave each other to pursue other things.
It's not because she's afraid of dying, or afraid of leaving that Donna wants Josh to be with Amy. It's because she loves him that much. It's because after all the crap that he's been through, he deserves to be happy. It's about Amy giving him what she can't. A future. She doesn't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Nobody does. But the thing is, her body isn't going to be able to take another fight. She can only be young and strong for so long before the game is over.
She can't guarantee Josh happily ever after, and god knows he deserves it. Donna can't guarantee anything but trouble. No. She loves him that much. She loves him enough to know that he's going to walk into her hospital room with that false smile and reassurance that everything is going to be okay. She knows that he thinks that he owes her for her friendship and care after Rossyln. She knows Josh better than he knows himself. She knows that he going to take the little bits of confusion that he has about how he feels about her and manufacture love because he thinks he owes her.
No. Donna lived a false dream once, and the fall back to reality hurt too much. Donna knows Josh, and she knows herself. She knows that it's time to bow out, because she's outlived her use in this twisted play they live in.
It's time to leave, because she can't bear the thought to leaving Josh unwillingly. She doesn't know if she's going to die today or 20 years from now, but she knows that she isn't going to be the wife that he needs. She knows he wants to run for office. She knows that he wants to do good things, because he feels the need to right all these wrongs. She knows that he can't concentrate on fulfilling a lifelong dream with an ailing lover…girlfriend…wife…whatever she would be.
No. As much as it kills her to admit it, Amy will be there for him. She'll back him emotional and politically, because it'll help her own career too. And we all know how much that means to Amy. Donna knows, and it kills her to admit it, that in some warped way Amy cares about Josh. Maybe Amy will never love him the way Donna does, but Amy has one thing that Donna will never have. The freedom to live her life free of fear.
No. This is about being the bigger person. She can do that, because she loves him that much.
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Damn, that was long! ;] Hehe. I know, I know. You hate me for taking so long with this………but doesn't this just make up for it? ;] God I hope so. This is 20 pages long!!! Ohmygod………….sheesh. If I didn't feel so guilt…and if it wasn't all in Donna's voice, I would have spilt it up…but nah! This is for all the people who have been waiting…..and telling me to HURRY UP ALREADY!!!!! PLEASE! FOR CHRISTS SAKE!! *ahem* ppssssssstt!! Abby! That's you! ;] Hehe.
No really, thanks so much for telling me that you wanted me to continue. It's really amusing and *blush* great to hear that you guys want to read more of my stuff!! ;] Enjoy………..and remember, tell me what you think!! ;)
-Lucy