The Look of Love: Part IV
By: starc*mpass
NOTES/FEEDBACK: I love it :) Please do send me feedback if you have ANYTHING to say about it. You might be helping if you do :) Or…if you have any questions that you think I can answer, go ahead :D This chapter is Hamilton's turn at the POV. And guess what? Bella Liiiiiiivessss! :lol: . :D OOOh, and just so you know, this knowledge will come in handy in the middle of the chapter:
*Just so you know, in the movie 'Pretty in Pink', Andie ends up with Blane. In the book it was based on, she really ends up with Duck :D
Rawley Academy for Boys, Fall Semester
[Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun playing]
In my eyes, indisposed, in disguise as no one knows.
Hides the face, lies the snake, the sun in my disgrace.
Dinnertime at the Fleming household was never anything spectacular. No legendary banquets, antique family recipes and most of the time, no flavor. And since he'd moved to the dorms, Hamilton only had to endure the torturous supper with the parentals once a week. And sometimes, even THAT was too much.
Boiling heat, summer stench, 'neath the black, the sky looks dead
Call my name through the cream and I'll hear you scream again.
At the moment, Hamilton lay on his bed tossing a stress ball repeatedly against the ceiling. He was unable to make a decision about going home. He usually went home on Fridays, but Hamilton wasn't up to it. Just not today.
Will found him in the same position a few moments later.
Black Hole Sun, won't you come, and wash away the rain
Black Hole Sun, won't you come, won't you come…[fade out]
"Hey." Will greeted. He waved back, then caught the stress ball he'd just tossed up. "I thought you were dining with the units tonight?"
"Eh." Hamilton grunted. "I'm not into it tonight." Will smiled in amusement at his friend's grumpiness.
"Well, Oscar, you better call your Mama Grouch and tell her that you're not coming, because I don't want to have to cover for you." The tall boy told him. Hamilton turned his face towards Will.
"Don't worry about it. I actually told her that I probably wouldn't come tonight when I ran into her this morning. I said I'd call if I was. So, no need to rack your pretty head about it, Keith Partridge." He teased. Will shot him a puzzled look.
"Keith Partridge?"
"You sound like him. You're like, groovy and big brother-y."
"Hey, you gonna stay here all night?" Will asked him, not without laughing at his reply first.
"Well, I had no specific plans. Why, what are you up to?"
"The same as you. Paige set up Oz with her roommate and convinced Scout to chaperone them. They asked me along, but I didn't really think Paige meant it, if you know what I mean…" Will paused. "Then YOU were supposed to eat at home, so I thought I'd bum around somewhere in my solitude…" he chuckled.
"Well, are you hungry? I've been jonesing for a Friendly's burger and vanilla shake since my last class. Who knows?" A pause. "We can hang with Bella after, you know?" Hamilton said. Will ignored the last part and pulled on his coat.
"Let's go. I'm pretty hungry…"
[Ben Folds – Rocking the Suburbs chorus comes on, then fades out]
A burger had NEVER tasted so good. Hamilton chewed his first bite slowly, letting the taste soothe his somewhat disoriented mind.
"Eat much?" Will joked.
"Krudski, I have been waiting for this moment for…"
"I don't know, Ham. I bet you say that to ALL the boys…"
"Shut up, Will." His friend laughed. A beat passed before Will spoke.
"You know, Ham, I know you don't usually feel like going to eat dinner at your house, but you do it anyway. What's so different about tonight?" He said seriously. Ham thoughtfully took another bite of his burger. It was any number of things he couldn't explain, really.
[Ben Folds Five – Don't Change Your Plans]
First off, there was something going on at home and he had no idea what it was. Hence, he had no idea how to deal. Granted, his parents had always been kind of extreme. The dean could just not find that line of distinction between being a father and husband, and being "THE DEAN". And then there was his mother, who tried so hard to make up for his father's conservative, old-fashioned attitude that she (although she didn't know this) ended up smothering him. But now that he was out of the house, there was definitely some tension he had never noticed before, hanging over the house.
Second, he felt he couldn't take a decent picture anymore. It was the loss of his inspiration, his need to take a good picture that disappointed. And the fact that he couldn't share his art with anyone else bothered him too. Everyone knew that he liked to take pictures, but he still found that he couldn't just tell anyone for fear that they might not see what he did. And he didn't just so random people to show his photographs to, it was sort of like, telling them his wildest, most embarrassing dreams. He hadn't shown anyone his work since…well, unless they were Jake.
And that was the third. He kept looking for a "Jake". A friendship like that. And as close as he had gotten to both Will and Scout, it just wasn't the same. In the innermost realms of his mind, he considered Jake the most complicated, yet important aspect in his sixteen years. Everyone said that it was perfectly normal to have, at the very least, ONE homosexual attraction in one's lifespan. In Hamilton Fleming's life, the embodiment of his ONE homosexual attraction would be Jake Pratt. Sexually, he was curious to know, to FEEL Jake's soft lips against his own just ONE MORE TIME. To touch the boy's soft dark hair, and to see that strange, almost glowing look flash in those brilliant green eyes.
But without that "twitch", he missed the reassurance and comfort having Jake around gave him. Hamilton missed being understood, having someone make sense of all the completely ridiculous problems in his head. He also missed lending someone that kind of reassurance. In a way, he's always felt that Jake had needed him as much as he'd needed Jake. Just the knowledge that someone was there…well…
[song fades out]
"Yo, Ham." Will's voice brought him back. Ham blinked and realized Will was looking at him somewhat expectantly.
"I…uh…I'm sorry Will. Things are just really twisted right now." Will nodded, but said nothing. A moment of quiet passed before…
"Hey…mind one more?" a pretty blonde girl asked them. A smudge of dirt decorated her forehead, and she wore a ratty old men's flannel shirt and a broken in pair of jeans.
"Pump Girl!" Will greeted affectionately.
"Hello Duck." She answered back as she sat down beside him. "Hamilton!" she exclaimed. "It's been awhile…" He laughed.
"Yeah, it has. Hey…where's Sean?" Bella shrugged in response.
"Ah, I wouldn't know. We're kinda, not a couple…" Hamilton wisely said nothing, and Bella paused, looking at them. "So, how have the 'Richies' been treating you?" Will laughed at her remark, but Hamilton turned to face her, confused.
"Wait, WHAT?!"
"Pretty in Pink?" she said, trying to catch his memory. "The 80's answer to 'She's All That'? Molly Ringwald, the social misfit redhead named Andie, Andrew McCarthy the 'richie' kid named Blane MacDonough and Duck, Andie's misfit best friend…" Hamilton got it.
"So, you're Andie?" Bella nodded. "And Will is Duck." Will raised his eyebrows as if to ask what he was getting at. "Didn't Andie and Duck end up together*?" Hamilton commented slyly before taking another bite of his burger. Both blushed a bright red and Will shot Hamilton a warning look. Hamilton put on innocent look and turned his attention back to the burger.
[Beck – Jack Ass plays]
I been drifting along in the same stale shoes
Loose ends tying a noose in the back of my mind
On the walk home, Hamilton and Will walked side by side silently, their hands buried deep in their pockets, both somewhat deep in thought.
"Hey Ham."
"Yeah?" Hamilton replied slowly, as if savoring the night.
"What was it like for you, you know, growing up?" Will asked. Hamilton didn't answer for a long time, taking a moment to think of what he was going to say. Will turned to face him, but continued walking. "I mean, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, I was just wondering…" Hamilton took a deep breath.
If you thought that you were making your way
To where the puzzles and pagans lay
I'll put it together: It's a strange invitation
"It was weird, Will. The only friends I had were my tutors, my mom and my toys. When I got a little older, photography and music replaced my toys. I couldn't hang around the Rawley kids because they were too old, too privileged or too busy to bother with a kid like me. They had their own lives to run…everyone in my childhood had their own lives to worry about."
"And now?" Hamilton shrugged.
When I wake up someone will sweep up my lazy bones
And we will rise in the cool of the evening
"It's STILL weird. Thing is, what I should have known since I was in kindergarten, I learned in the first few days of this summer session. That first day that I met you guys? I was trying to orient myself with the Rawley Academy that everyone else saw, because I didn't want to be any different. I used to take people around the school, showing them where to go. This is MY TERRITORY, but I wanted to UN-learn the ropes just to get along. And I wasn't really sure how to approach new people so we could be friends. Usually they were just parents looking to check out their son's new school."
I remember the way that you smiled
When the gravity shackles were wild
And something is vacant when I think it's all beginning
"If it makes you feel any better, it didn't seem like you didn't know how to make friends that first day. You were kinda, funny…but you were cool." Will chuckled. Hamilton smiled ruefully.
"All that worry for nothing. Who would've thought I'd turn out to be such a people person?" He said ironically, before continuing. "But, thing is Krudski, I'm still somewhere in between. I'm still not a privileged Rawley boy, or the regular small-town Townie boy. I still don't know where I should be, because if I don't belong to either social 'sect', what exactly am I?"
I been drifting along in the same stale shoes
Loose ends tying the noose in the back of my mind
"You're a fluke." Will said wistfully.
"You know," Hamilton answered, a sad half-smile lifting a corner of his mouth. "That's EXACTLY what Jake said." Will opened his mouth then closed it again, deciding to let Hamilton do the talking. As if he'd just remembered where he was, Hamilton looked up and smiled at Will somewhat sheepishly. "It's…really HARD to find someone you get along with that well, Krudski."
And for the remainder of the walk, they trudged along together, a companionable silence between them.
If you thought that you were making your way
To where the puzzles and pagans lay
I'll put it together: It's a strange invitation