Hermione Granger

I used to think,

I had the answers to everything,

But now I know,

Life doesn't always go my way

Feels like I'm caught in the middle,

That's when I realise

I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman,

All I need is time, a moment that is mine,

While I'm in between

--- Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman, Britney Spears

If only I knew what I wanted in life. Everyone else seems to know exactly what they want to achieve and they all think I'm all figured out too. But they don't understand. Under all the books and Straight A's I recieve, lies a lost, little girl who has no idea what she wants or who she wants to be.

No one knows how I truly feel. I have friends who I love dearly but not even they could understand how I'm feeling inside. Everyone here at Hogwarts and everyone back at home thinks that because I'm smart and clever and always pass tests and always score the highest that I know exactly what I want. Well I don't.

I guess that's what I want the most in life. A bit of direction, a bit more knowledge and a bit more understanding.

I'm so lonely. For all the friends I have, I don't have a SPECIAL friend. Harry and Ron have each other, Lavender and Parvati have each other and wherever I go I always feel on the outer.

I guess I'm trying to say I want Harry. I've been in love with Harry since I began here at Hogwarts and since I read about him in those wizarding books. But how could I tell him? I'm scared! I'm frightened!

Though I know deep down inside my heart that Harry would never laugh or think it's funny if I told him, there is still that doubt inside. There aren't words to describe how I feel. I could use all the parchment in the world and still not be able to write everything down.

Harry, don't you know the way you make me feel? You're the only one in the whole world that could make me happy? He's surrounded by so much love and kindness at Hogwarts and so much hate and resentment when he lives with his cousin but he manages to stay balanced. Harry may not know who he is inside yet (like myself) but he is so balanced. Me, on the other hand, get all emotional and uptight all the time. I admire everything about him.

I'm scared that by the time we graduate from Hogwarts, we will no longer be such a big part of each other's lives any more. I don't think I could face the world without Ron and Harry. But I think they could survive without me.

Nobody knows how much I depend on others. Nobody understands. Nobody ever will. I just want to feel happy. Satisfied. But I don't know how to achieve it without being happy or satisfied in the first place. I'm stuck in a vicious circle of insecurity.

Oh, I don't know what the point in writing all of this down is. This won't give me any comfort or contentment. I don't know what I'd do if anybody knew how I felt. Perhaps I'd be happier. Chances are, that I wouldn't.

So do I tell anyone? No. I keep my feelings hidden on the inside like I have since the moment I was born.

Harry, I love you.