Proximity: Watching
CJ/Carol
***
6:33 am
I got to work early on Friday, hoping to silently prove to CJ that I was capable of my job. Ah hell Carol, I thought as I arranged my desk, she knows you're capable. Then again there was last night…I shook my head, my hair bouncing as I forced myself to not think about it.
When I'd gotten in last night, I really had been planning to cry. It was upsetting to me in an odd way that she'd learned my secret, upsetting since nothing seemed to upset CJ. No tears came and instead I'd flipped on CNN—one of the many habits I've taken up since working for CJ—and curled up on my couch in the dark.
I have a photograph above the TV, and I don't feel guilty about having it because there are other people in it besides CJ. It's a gorgeous black and white, with Sam and Josh standing in the background as CJ and I laugh hysterically. It was taken on our first day at the White House and I can't recall what was so funny. CJ looks so happy and it is my favorite picture
The silver frame caught my eye this morning when I woke up, still in the jeans and halter, and I felt my stomach sink. Work…CJ…knowing that she knew. And maybe it would be no different than it had been on Thursday, but there was no comfort in confusion.
Around 6:55, as I stirred circles in my warming yogurt, I heard her footsteps click down the hall. I sucked in my breath and forced myself to throw away the nerves; there was no way I was going to be able to work if I couldn't focus.
"Hey, Carol," CJ called casually as she brushed past my desk and into her office. I tentatively got up and grabbed the customary stack of newspaper that she read each morning. Walking into her office, I tried to maintain my balance.
"Papers," I announced, holding them out to her. She was hanging her overcoat, and when she spun around I saw that she was wearing my favorite suit. The black skirt and the red blouse that did so much for her face…
She took the papers and then waited. "Carol?"
A bell went off in my head. "I know, I know! I'm getting the coffee…." I quickly moved around, mentally smacking myself for forgetting it until now.
"Oh yeah, that too…and can you save me a second later on today?" She asked, settling herself down behind her desk. "Wow, you sorted my phone messages already?" CJ looked up at me with surprise, her eyes glowing as her mouth turned up into a grin.
I smiled sheepishly. "I had some extra time this morning…Save you a second for what?" I was pleased that she'd noticed my work. Maybe I could pull this together.
"To talk…Maybe at lunch," CJ thought aloud as she looked under some stacks of paper. "Where's that memo from Leo?"
My heart flipped again with excited dread. Lunch. I figured she was talking about a meeting. But not with me… I quickly reached under the briefing book and pulled out the memo. "Here. Sure. Whatever you need," I mumbled, feeling the heat in my cheeks. I had to get out of the office and breath.
***
CJ was in staff when Leah called my extension. I hated when my friends called me at work, but it was understandable today. I had run out too quickly last night and never checked back in.
"Hey Carol…" her teasing tone flooded my ear, and I rolled my eyes with a laugh. Leah was a great friend, and I just knew what she was about to do. "I assume that since your pager went off last night…"
"Don't!" I warned, both amused and sickened.
"Had a little time alone with the mysterious Claudia Jean?" Leah asked. I could almost hear her amused smile but when I didn't respond, she dropped it. "Hey, Carol, don't get mad."
I rubbed my temple. "I'm not mad. It's just that she…I was…She had to come and get me last night," I muttered.
"At Clarita's?" Leah laughed, "How was the conversation after that?" she laughed, her tone indicating that she had some idea.
I smirked. "It was mostly me trying not to say something stupid."
"Hey I've seen CJ Cregg, too. I don't blame you much," Leah admitted. I nodded and breathed in, not noticing that my boss was making her way back to the office.
"It's just weird," I sighed finally, suddenly wondering if maybe I was just making it weird. There was really no way that CJ could know I wanted her…
"What's weird?" CJ asked, leaning against the doorframe, grinning like a cat. My heart practically stopped as Leah began to laugh over the line.
"Great, Carol," Leah gasped. "I guess I'll let you go…" And with a click of the phone, I was left biting my lip and my tongue.
"Yeah…" I said slowly, turning my head back to CJ as I hung up the phone. Her eyebrow was raised, and her mouth a bit open, as if she were going to say something.
"CJ, I need to give you a quick brief…" Josh barreled down the hallway, waving a sheet of paper. I was never so happy for his presence as I caught my breath and slowed my heart rate.
***
I brought salads up the office and sat in front of her desk like it was a meeting. Technically it was, and as CJ enthusiastically poured the oversized container of ranch dressing all over the lettuce, I watched her nails.
She kept them short and polished a light shade of pink all the time. For Christmas I'd considered giving her a gift certificate for an acrylic set, because she seemed like the type of woman who would wear them well. But I'd been too shy to offer such a personal gift and instead had gone with a crystal bowl. It was on her desk now, filled with small wrapped Dove chocolates. So classy, I absently thought.
"So are you eating too, or are you watching me eat?" CJ asked with amusement, pointing her dressing covered fork at my unopened salad.
"Yeah…Yeah, I'm working on it. What did you need to see me about, CJ?" I asked, popping open the box and balancing it on my knee.
"I don't know," CJ admitted airily, "We should hang out. For two reasons."
"What are they?" I asked, looking at her face and ignoring my salad. She met my gaze, and for a minute she lost her train of thought.
"What are what?"
"The two reasons?" I asked, nibbling on a crouton and trying to appear as casual as CJ did.
CJ leaned back in her chair and cracked open her can of root beer. "Oh, right. I was just thinking last night that we work together and I know virtually nothing about you. We should at least eat lunch together, right?"
I smirked then, thinking that she knew too much, but said nothing and waited for reason number two. CJ leaned forward again, smiling somewhat benevolently.
"And Carol, I've been watching you all day. I'd love to know why you're so embarrassed about last night."
I closed the salad and set it on her desk, turning my head towards the wall of televisions. They were all muted, but in my head I imagined the noisy news…anything to block out CJ's bluntness.
"Carol?" CJ asked again, her voice soft and almost concerned. It finally snapped, and I flicked my head back towards my boss with the dam about to break.
"CJ, I really appreciated that you came down and got me last night, but it wasn't the best way for you to find out about my…sexuality," I blurted. I could feel my eyes widening, as CJ's expression remained steady.
"I don't care about your sexuality, Carol," CJ stated, her tone blasé as though we were talking about a baseball game. "Don't be ashamed of it. Be proud of it."
I was caught off guard, as I was certainly not ashamed of it. I wouldn't have it any other way, and maybe I was a bit cautious…There was no way to tell CJ I was simply afraid that she'd learn the real truth.
"CJ, I can't really—" I began to explain, hoping to get in at least a good word for my pride. The phone rang instead, and before I could reach to answer it, CJ had it pressed to her ear.
"CJ Cregg…"
It was Leo and CJ was out of the office in a flash, leaving me at the desk with an untouched salad. My head was spinning, and suddenly the overbearing presence of her perfume was permeating my senses again. She'd said too much for me to wrap my mind around… 'I've been watching you all day'—no, I chided myself, stop it. Reading into CJ's comments is one of my pastimes, and while it's fun it can also hurt.
I cleaned up her salad, knowing she wouldn't want the rest of it. 'We should at least eat lunch together…' I smiled as I dumped the boxes into the trashcan, thinking that eating lunch with her might be just enough. *
CJ/Carol
***
6:33 am
I got to work early on Friday, hoping to silently prove to CJ that I was capable of my job. Ah hell Carol, I thought as I arranged my desk, she knows you're capable. Then again there was last night…I shook my head, my hair bouncing as I forced myself to not think about it.
When I'd gotten in last night, I really had been planning to cry. It was upsetting to me in an odd way that she'd learned my secret, upsetting since nothing seemed to upset CJ. No tears came and instead I'd flipped on CNN—one of the many habits I've taken up since working for CJ—and curled up on my couch in the dark.
I have a photograph above the TV, and I don't feel guilty about having it because there are other people in it besides CJ. It's a gorgeous black and white, with Sam and Josh standing in the background as CJ and I laugh hysterically. It was taken on our first day at the White House and I can't recall what was so funny. CJ looks so happy and it is my favorite picture
The silver frame caught my eye this morning when I woke up, still in the jeans and halter, and I felt my stomach sink. Work…CJ…knowing that she knew. And maybe it would be no different than it had been on Thursday, but there was no comfort in confusion.
Around 6:55, as I stirred circles in my warming yogurt, I heard her footsteps click down the hall. I sucked in my breath and forced myself to throw away the nerves; there was no way I was going to be able to work if I couldn't focus.
"Hey, Carol," CJ called casually as she brushed past my desk and into her office. I tentatively got up and grabbed the customary stack of newspaper that she read each morning. Walking into her office, I tried to maintain my balance.
"Papers," I announced, holding them out to her. She was hanging her overcoat, and when she spun around I saw that she was wearing my favorite suit. The black skirt and the red blouse that did so much for her face…
She took the papers and then waited. "Carol?"
A bell went off in my head. "I know, I know! I'm getting the coffee…." I quickly moved around, mentally smacking myself for forgetting it until now.
"Oh yeah, that too…and can you save me a second later on today?" She asked, settling herself down behind her desk. "Wow, you sorted my phone messages already?" CJ looked up at me with surprise, her eyes glowing as her mouth turned up into a grin.
I smiled sheepishly. "I had some extra time this morning…Save you a second for what?" I was pleased that she'd noticed my work. Maybe I could pull this together.
"To talk…Maybe at lunch," CJ thought aloud as she looked under some stacks of paper. "Where's that memo from Leo?"
My heart flipped again with excited dread. Lunch. I figured she was talking about a meeting. But not with me… I quickly reached under the briefing book and pulled out the memo. "Here. Sure. Whatever you need," I mumbled, feeling the heat in my cheeks. I had to get out of the office and breath.
***
CJ was in staff when Leah called my extension. I hated when my friends called me at work, but it was understandable today. I had run out too quickly last night and never checked back in.
"Hey Carol…" her teasing tone flooded my ear, and I rolled my eyes with a laugh. Leah was a great friend, and I just knew what she was about to do. "I assume that since your pager went off last night…"
"Don't!" I warned, both amused and sickened.
"Had a little time alone with the mysterious Claudia Jean?" Leah asked. I could almost hear her amused smile but when I didn't respond, she dropped it. "Hey, Carol, don't get mad."
I rubbed my temple. "I'm not mad. It's just that she…I was…She had to come and get me last night," I muttered.
"At Clarita's?" Leah laughed, "How was the conversation after that?" she laughed, her tone indicating that she had some idea.
I smirked. "It was mostly me trying not to say something stupid."
"Hey I've seen CJ Cregg, too. I don't blame you much," Leah admitted. I nodded and breathed in, not noticing that my boss was making her way back to the office.
"It's just weird," I sighed finally, suddenly wondering if maybe I was just making it weird. There was really no way that CJ could know I wanted her…
"What's weird?" CJ asked, leaning against the doorframe, grinning like a cat. My heart practically stopped as Leah began to laugh over the line.
"Great, Carol," Leah gasped. "I guess I'll let you go…" And with a click of the phone, I was left biting my lip and my tongue.
"Yeah…" I said slowly, turning my head back to CJ as I hung up the phone. Her eyebrow was raised, and her mouth a bit open, as if she were going to say something.
"CJ, I need to give you a quick brief…" Josh barreled down the hallway, waving a sheet of paper. I was never so happy for his presence as I caught my breath and slowed my heart rate.
***
I brought salads up the office and sat in front of her desk like it was a meeting. Technically it was, and as CJ enthusiastically poured the oversized container of ranch dressing all over the lettuce, I watched her nails.
She kept them short and polished a light shade of pink all the time. For Christmas I'd considered giving her a gift certificate for an acrylic set, because she seemed like the type of woman who would wear them well. But I'd been too shy to offer such a personal gift and instead had gone with a crystal bowl. It was on her desk now, filled with small wrapped Dove chocolates. So classy, I absently thought.
"So are you eating too, or are you watching me eat?" CJ asked with amusement, pointing her dressing covered fork at my unopened salad.
"Yeah…Yeah, I'm working on it. What did you need to see me about, CJ?" I asked, popping open the box and balancing it on my knee.
"I don't know," CJ admitted airily, "We should hang out. For two reasons."
"What are they?" I asked, looking at her face and ignoring my salad. She met my gaze, and for a minute she lost her train of thought.
"What are what?"
"The two reasons?" I asked, nibbling on a crouton and trying to appear as casual as CJ did.
CJ leaned back in her chair and cracked open her can of root beer. "Oh, right. I was just thinking last night that we work together and I know virtually nothing about you. We should at least eat lunch together, right?"
I smirked then, thinking that she knew too much, but said nothing and waited for reason number two. CJ leaned forward again, smiling somewhat benevolently.
"And Carol, I've been watching you all day. I'd love to know why you're so embarrassed about last night."
I closed the salad and set it on her desk, turning my head towards the wall of televisions. They were all muted, but in my head I imagined the noisy news…anything to block out CJ's bluntness.
"Carol?" CJ asked again, her voice soft and almost concerned. It finally snapped, and I flicked my head back towards my boss with the dam about to break.
"CJ, I really appreciated that you came down and got me last night, but it wasn't the best way for you to find out about my…sexuality," I blurted. I could feel my eyes widening, as CJ's expression remained steady.
"I don't care about your sexuality, Carol," CJ stated, her tone blasé as though we were talking about a baseball game. "Don't be ashamed of it. Be proud of it."
I was caught off guard, as I was certainly not ashamed of it. I wouldn't have it any other way, and maybe I was a bit cautious…There was no way to tell CJ I was simply afraid that she'd learn the real truth.
"CJ, I can't really—" I began to explain, hoping to get in at least a good word for my pride. The phone rang instead, and before I could reach to answer it, CJ had it pressed to her ear.
"CJ Cregg…"
It was Leo and CJ was out of the office in a flash, leaving me at the desk with an untouched salad. My head was spinning, and suddenly the overbearing presence of her perfume was permeating my senses again. She'd said too much for me to wrap my mind around… 'I've been watching you all day'—no, I chided myself, stop it. Reading into CJ's comments is one of my pastimes, and while it's fun it can also hurt.
I cleaned up her salad, knowing she wouldn't want the rest of it. 'We should at least eat lunch together…' I smiled as I dumped the boxes into the trashcan, thinking that eating lunch with her might be just enough. *