Proximity: New Things
***
"Carol," CJ murmured into my neck, her fingertips dancing at my hips, "we should probably talk about this…"
I sighed at the light, almost airy feeling of her mouth on my neck and as she continued to feather the sensitive area with kisses, I didn't picture us talking any time soon. I was about to work up my nerve to touch her breasts when CJ suddenly backed away and tugged at my hands.
She pulled me towards the sofa, gently pushing me down onto the soft white cushions. I knew I looked confused and as CJ settled next to me her hands flew to my shoulders.
"We have to talk about this," she said firmly this time, clearly unnerved by what we had done.
"Okay," I agreed in a small voice as CJ's big eyes searched mine. Her hands trailed down my shoulders and stopped carefully on my upper arms; I realized with incredible shock and perhaps a bit of satisfaction that I'd never seen CJ so vulnerable.
She tore her eyes away from mine but a small smile was finding its way onto her face. "Carol, this really is reckless," she attempted
She had folded her legs under her body and as I considered a response, I let my hands rest on CJ's knees. The confidence I was displaying frightened me, and I briefly wondered when CJ was going to see through the act. "CJ you're right. It's damn stupid," I responded, walking my fingers up her leg a bit. "But I've never wanted someone so much in my life."
CJ was clearly taken by surprise by my truth and I could see her emotions agreeing. "Oh, Carol…God," she cocked her head and grinned, "You…that…it was…" she searched for words and shook her head, finally arriving slowly and genuinely. "Carol, that felt... That was… really good."
I couldn't believe that I'd brought CJ's vocabulary down a level, but she did it to me every single day. "What do you want?" I asked, ever hopeful and leaning a bit closer to her body. As CJ raised her chin up in thought, my head swam with her silence. Panic shot quickly into my brain and I considered that she'd tell me that this was a mistake.
CJ looked down at my fingers stroking her thighs and then back into my eyes. "I want to be careful," she said softly, slowly taking her hands off of my arms.
I understood her concerns and that she wasn't telling me no. Immense excitement hit me when I realized that she wanted more; the look on her face was nothing if not honest. I stood up and tried to remain calm, watching CJ carefully as her eyes widened.
"Carol, you don't have to go if—" CJ began, her tone slightly frantic as she moved to stand with me. I motioned with my hands for her to stop and quickly tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, wanting just to touch any part of her.
"No," I assured her with a nodding smile. "It's okay, I think we should go slowly…"
The crinkle of CJ's eyes brought a tingle to my spine; she looked pleased and relieved at my display and as she walked me to the door I reached for her arm. I could tell she was at a loss for what to say as we stood facing each other, and so I simply squeezed her hand.
"Thank you for dinner," I murmured, turning to pick up my purse from the small door-side table, "and I'll see you on Monday…" I didn't really want to leave, but as I slid past the heavy door, I knew that staying would only complicate what had happened.
As I was halfway into the hall, CJ called my name. I turned around to see that her wide-eyed, soft smiling expression had not changed. Her mouth was partly open, as though she couldn't get a word past her lips.
"What?" I asked, grinning at the image of a speechless Press Secretary. CJ shook her head again and let out a chuckle. Folding her arms over her chest, she drew herself up to full height. I could see CJ holding her breath, fiddling with the buttons on her jacket, the wheels in her brain turning. I would have stood there all night, just watching her get nervous because she was incredible, nibbling on her lower lip; she seemed like someone else and I could hardly remember what she looked like against the backdrop of the blue curtain. Apparently there was another CJ behind the professional persona, and I was touched to find out that she was shy.
"Nothing," she smiled, looking down at her feet. "I'll see you on Monday," CJ echoed my words, looking up with a nod.
I responded with a nod of my own, and I heard her slowly click her door shut as I headed down the hall. In such a rush to seem calm and cool, I'd turned the wrong way and as I went back past CJ's apartment door, I wished I had stayed inside. Still, there was much to anticipate…
As I found the correct set of carpeted stairs, I felt my legs weaken at the recent memory of CJ's lips on my neck and mouth. I stopped walking and gave in to the twisted knot of crazy nerves that she'd brought on. Haphazardly lowering myself to the step, I felt happy tears pushing at the corners of my eyes. Smiling into my hands, I tried to rub away the pleasant burning that the culmination of so much had brought out. Giddy flutters rushed through my stomach and short, quiet laughter was all I could manage.
After a deep breath and a moment for sitting still, I stood up and headed out of her building. Walking was a pleasant challenge, and I couldn't leave without taking a split second to look back down her hallway.
***
"Carol, I need the spokesperson for the minority leader on the phone," CJ called, not even bothering to get up from her desk. I looked through the window and nodded carefully, moving quickly to the phone.
It was ten in the morning and the day couldn't have been moving any more slowly. I'd gotten here at 6:45 wearing my favorite blue dress knowing that I looked good. I'd been so wound up on Sunday night that I'd gotten out of bed at 3:30 in the morning, unable to sleep.
Of course I was agonizing, of course I was afraid. I had a sinking feeling that since Friday, CJ might've come to a new conclusion—that our kisses were wrong, that she didn't want it anymore, that she didn't want me. And then I'd be the stupid lesbian sitting at the desk, embarrassed as hell while the gorgeous boss burned her by simply walking by.
Luckily CJ came into work right on time, smiling and pleasantly cheerful. I knew she'd keep it professional and hadn't expected her to mention a thing about Friday, but her first move after ditching her coat and briefcase was to lean against my desk.
"Carol," she smiled, "I meant to call you last night."
Handing her the customary stack of newsprint, I grinned up at her with extreme relief. "I meant to call you too, but I guess…I guess I got shy."
CJ rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "You and me both…We'll get a chance to talk at lunch. When's the staff meeting?"
It had been a bit strange, having the conversation vacillate between our personal situation and the staff meeting, but I knew I had to be CJ's assistant before all else. Now, as I dialed up the minority leader's office, I took a peek through the partially opened blinds. CJ was chewing on the eraser of a pencil while leafing through the briefing book, keeping on eye on the Pentagon briefing that was airing on CNN. She was multitasking. I laughed silently, wondering when I'd find out more about that skill…
"CJ, he's on line 3…" I called, rolling my chair into the hall so I could see her clearly. She looked up and pointed the pencil at me in a teasing manner.
"Good work, Carol," she kidded, letting her eyes linger on me longer than necessary. Her lips slowly turned into a smile as I blushed and rolled back to my desk. Barely containing a breathless chuckle, I put my head down on my desk and allowed the giddy grin to break out over my face.
***
We never got to have lunch as CJ had rushed off towards Leo's office tossing genuine apologies over her shoulder. I knew I couldn't take things like this personally now that we'd made a connection, but it disappointed me that I couldn't get the few minutes alone with CJ. Stirring a small mug of soup at my desk, I made myself focus on what really mattered: keeping the Press Office running. I was not about to get unhappy on everyone just because CJ was important to the smooth running of this White House. Leo needed her much more than I did, I rationalized with a silent chuckle, but if only he really knew….
CJ had been gone from the office at least two hours when she'd come back at five, looking annoyed as hell. Saying nothing, she cracked back the door of the office and literally flopped down on the sofa.
I'd seen CJ in moods like these before, and I usually just sat tight at my desk and waited until CJ called for me. Today, despite my insides telling me no, I slowly got up and approached the doorway.
With her legs crossed, CJ was sitting upright on the sofa, drumming her fingers on her thighs. Staring straight ahead with a thoughtful expression on her face, I could no longer tell if she were angry or just trying to decide what to do.
I was about to say something when CJ realized I was standing there. "Do you think if I left right now, anyone would notice?"
I stepped into the office. "I would notice…" I said with a hint of sarcasm, trying to remember the last time any of the senior staff had left before 9 pm.
CJ nodded, "Right, but you'd be coming with me. What's on my schedule?"
"Briefing at six," I said, realizing that she was clear after that. However, knowing CJ—as I do—I could expect her to stay for three more hours just catching up on paperwork and prepping for the next day.
"Okay, I've got a plan. We're leaving after the briefing. I can't take this day any longer than that," she moaned, cradling her head in her hands. I smiled sympathetically, insanely happy that she wanted me to come along.
"That's a great plan CJ…" I put in sarcastically. "We should just hang out in here in case something comes up…" I reasoned aloud, mentally smacking myself for trying to changer her mind; still, someone might need CJ after 6.
CJ glared up at me good-naturedly. "Carol, I absolutely cannot have a real conversation with you in this office. We gotta go somewhere else, if you know what I'm saying?"
I nodded, grinning heavily. "Gotcha. I'll get you some Tylenol…"
She chuckled at my perception, and as I looked back on my way out, I saw CJ lean her head back on the sofa, a contented smile stretching across her expression.
***
The wind was crazy in the Lexus, blowing my long brown hair everywhere, and for a minute I considered cutting it. Short hair was beautiful, as CJ so nicely demonstrated. But it had taken me years to get this hair, and I'd probably regret chopping it down. As I leaned back against the smooth leather, I sighed with relaxation. And then my eyes fell upon the speedometer.
"CJ, you're going like, twenty over the limit."
She briefly glanced over at me and grinned. "Well you should be watching for cops then."
I sat up and pretended to be watching for squad cars in the darkened corners off of the highway. I took my eyes away from the road when I felt CJ hit the brake ever so slightly.
"There, now I'm only ten over the limit…. Jesus, how did the plan get so fucked up?" CJ laughed, hitting a button on the CD player that displayed the clock. "Christ! It's almost twelve-thirty in the morning! We're like, six hours off schedule."
I snorted, knowing she'd hated being locked up with the Vice President and Leo all night. "It was Josh's fault. And the trucks."
"Especially the trucks," CJ chuckled. As we slowed at a red light, CJ lowered the volume of the radio and looked over at me, her expression soft. "I really appreciate you waiting for me."
I cocked my head, hoping she understood the layers of meaning in those words. "I'd wait forever, CJ…" I said, my tone emerging more flippantly than I'd intended. Still, the late hour and her nearness brought me to ringing laughter.
"Funny girl, you're a real riot…This was not a good day," CJ giggled, practically flooring it as the light turned green.
I couldn't get over how young CJ seemed to be inside of herself. She drove like an eighteen-year-old who'd just gotten her license, and her music would drive everyone's mother crazy. I certainly had never guessed, and it was incredibly endearing.
"You're very happy for having had a bad day," I pointed out, sticking my arm out the window into the warm April breeze. "You're back to twenty over…"
"Screw it, it's the middle of the night, Carol. There's like one car on the road!" CJ reasoned, changing lanes with a quick flick of her blinker.
"And that would be yours... Do you know where you're going?" I asked, knowing only that she'd wanted to drive me home. I looked over at CJ, relishing in the way her hair was blowing around, thinking that she even looked young.
She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm going where you tell me…. God, how can it possibly be so late? All I wanted was a little time…" CJ trailed, glancing quickly at me.
I pushed the buttons that rolled up our windows, stopping the frantic wind from getting at my face. I didn't know what CJ meant, but I wanted to hear it.
She sighed, collecting her words as she kept her eye on the highway. "You know, I wanted to spend some time just talking…Carol, and I can't do this thing with you unless we both understand what it is…And I hate the fact that I don't."
I didn't say anything, sensing her confusion. I nodded into the dark car, and reached out for her right hand, resting on the gear shift. It was okay, I silently explained, stroking small circles over her skin, I can make you figure this out……
***
At two thirty in the morning she fell asleep, her head cradled between my shoulder and my chin. With our fingers still entwined, CJ's entire body was curled against mine as I fought to stay awake on the unturned covers of my bed. The moonlight was bright on the quilt, and though I knew I'd be tired in the morning, there was no way I would miss a single second of having her here like this.
Free of her blazer, blouse and shoes, the camisole CJ wore left her arms smooth and bare against my own. She smelled like heaven, and every one of my breaths reminded me of how much I cared about this woman.
Tonight, lying together was more amazing than sex, especially since we'd discovered new things with only words. I was quickly learning that the CJ I'd known for four years wasn't who I had supposed her to be. She wasn't quite so hard and strong, and she wasn't quite so confident and sure. She was starting to seem more human and less the idol I had made her.
CJ told me that she hadn't been with a woman in fifteen years and she didn't like to be labeled. She said she's always just done what's felt right; I feel right, she confided, or she wouldn't have come to this choice. The warm satisfaction of hearing the words from CJ's lips had calmed every tumultuous emotion that had ever passed through me; I suddenly felt as if I'd gained ten years; I no longer felt so utterly inadequate, so immature.
"CJ," I whispered, feeling her body shift in my arms. She was warm and so soft—I never imagined she could be so feminine—and I didn't want to let her go.
"Mmm," CJ murmured, very much half-asleep, "There might be a problem…"
Her voice, though soft with sleep, still held a teasing tone. Grinning drowsily, I lowered my lips to her ear. "What?" I slid my arms tightly around CJ's waist and hoped she would want to come back to this tomorrow.
"I like this way too much," she sighed, her lips brushing my collarbone. "Way too much, Carol…" I could feel her smile against my skin, and as I began to affectionately stroke CJ's hair, I had to agree. *
***
"Carol," CJ murmured into my neck, her fingertips dancing at my hips, "we should probably talk about this…"
I sighed at the light, almost airy feeling of her mouth on my neck and as she continued to feather the sensitive area with kisses, I didn't picture us talking any time soon. I was about to work up my nerve to touch her breasts when CJ suddenly backed away and tugged at my hands.
She pulled me towards the sofa, gently pushing me down onto the soft white cushions. I knew I looked confused and as CJ settled next to me her hands flew to my shoulders.
"We have to talk about this," she said firmly this time, clearly unnerved by what we had done.
"Okay," I agreed in a small voice as CJ's big eyes searched mine. Her hands trailed down my shoulders and stopped carefully on my upper arms; I realized with incredible shock and perhaps a bit of satisfaction that I'd never seen CJ so vulnerable.
She tore her eyes away from mine but a small smile was finding its way onto her face. "Carol, this really is reckless," she attempted
She had folded her legs under her body and as I considered a response, I let my hands rest on CJ's knees. The confidence I was displaying frightened me, and I briefly wondered when CJ was going to see through the act. "CJ you're right. It's damn stupid," I responded, walking my fingers up her leg a bit. "But I've never wanted someone so much in my life."
CJ was clearly taken by surprise by my truth and I could see her emotions agreeing. "Oh, Carol…God," she cocked her head and grinned, "You…that…it was…" she searched for words and shook her head, finally arriving slowly and genuinely. "Carol, that felt... That was… really good."
I couldn't believe that I'd brought CJ's vocabulary down a level, but she did it to me every single day. "What do you want?" I asked, ever hopeful and leaning a bit closer to her body. As CJ raised her chin up in thought, my head swam with her silence. Panic shot quickly into my brain and I considered that she'd tell me that this was a mistake.
CJ looked down at my fingers stroking her thighs and then back into my eyes. "I want to be careful," she said softly, slowly taking her hands off of my arms.
I understood her concerns and that she wasn't telling me no. Immense excitement hit me when I realized that she wanted more; the look on her face was nothing if not honest. I stood up and tried to remain calm, watching CJ carefully as her eyes widened.
"Carol, you don't have to go if—" CJ began, her tone slightly frantic as she moved to stand with me. I motioned with my hands for her to stop and quickly tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, wanting just to touch any part of her.
"No," I assured her with a nodding smile. "It's okay, I think we should go slowly…"
The crinkle of CJ's eyes brought a tingle to my spine; she looked pleased and relieved at my display and as she walked me to the door I reached for her arm. I could tell she was at a loss for what to say as we stood facing each other, and so I simply squeezed her hand.
"Thank you for dinner," I murmured, turning to pick up my purse from the small door-side table, "and I'll see you on Monday…" I didn't really want to leave, but as I slid past the heavy door, I knew that staying would only complicate what had happened.
As I was halfway into the hall, CJ called my name. I turned around to see that her wide-eyed, soft smiling expression had not changed. Her mouth was partly open, as though she couldn't get a word past her lips.
"What?" I asked, grinning at the image of a speechless Press Secretary. CJ shook her head again and let out a chuckle. Folding her arms over her chest, she drew herself up to full height. I could see CJ holding her breath, fiddling with the buttons on her jacket, the wheels in her brain turning. I would have stood there all night, just watching her get nervous because she was incredible, nibbling on her lower lip; she seemed like someone else and I could hardly remember what she looked like against the backdrop of the blue curtain. Apparently there was another CJ behind the professional persona, and I was touched to find out that she was shy.
"Nothing," she smiled, looking down at her feet. "I'll see you on Monday," CJ echoed my words, looking up with a nod.
I responded with a nod of my own, and I heard her slowly click her door shut as I headed down the hall. In such a rush to seem calm and cool, I'd turned the wrong way and as I went back past CJ's apartment door, I wished I had stayed inside. Still, there was much to anticipate…
As I found the correct set of carpeted stairs, I felt my legs weaken at the recent memory of CJ's lips on my neck and mouth. I stopped walking and gave in to the twisted knot of crazy nerves that she'd brought on. Haphazardly lowering myself to the step, I felt happy tears pushing at the corners of my eyes. Smiling into my hands, I tried to rub away the pleasant burning that the culmination of so much had brought out. Giddy flutters rushed through my stomach and short, quiet laughter was all I could manage.
After a deep breath and a moment for sitting still, I stood up and headed out of her building. Walking was a pleasant challenge, and I couldn't leave without taking a split second to look back down her hallway.
***
"Carol, I need the spokesperson for the minority leader on the phone," CJ called, not even bothering to get up from her desk. I looked through the window and nodded carefully, moving quickly to the phone.
It was ten in the morning and the day couldn't have been moving any more slowly. I'd gotten here at 6:45 wearing my favorite blue dress knowing that I looked good. I'd been so wound up on Sunday night that I'd gotten out of bed at 3:30 in the morning, unable to sleep.
Of course I was agonizing, of course I was afraid. I had a sinking feeling that since Friday, CJ might've come to a new conclusion—that our kisses were wrong, that she didn't want it anymore, that she didn't want me. And then I'd be the stupid lesbian sitting at the desk, embarrassed as hell while the gorgeous boss burned her by simply walking by.
Luckily CJ came into work right on time, smiling and pleasantly cheerful. I knew she'd keep it professional and hadn't expected her to mention a thing about Friday, but her first move after ditching her coat and briefcase was to lean against my desk.
"Carol," she smiled, "I meant to call you last night."
Handing her the customary stack of newsprint, I grinned up at her with extreme relief. "I meant to call you too, but I guess…I guess I got shy."
CJ rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "You and me both…We'll get a chance to talk at lunch. When's the staff meeting?"
It had been a bit strange, having the conversation vacillate between our personal situation and the staff meeting, but I knew I had to be CJ's assistant before all else. Now, as I dialed up the minority leader's office, I took a peek through the partially opened blinds. CJ was chewing on the eraser of a pencil while leafing through the briefing book, keeping on eye on the Pentagon briefing that was airing on CNN. She was multitasking. I laughed silently, wondering when I'd find out more about that skill…
"CJ, he's on line 3…" I called, rolling my chair into the hall so I could see her clearly. She looked up and pointed the pencil at me in a teasing manner.
"Good work, Carol," she kidded, letting her eyes linger on me longer than necessary. Her lips slowly turned into a smile as I blushed and rolled back to my desk. Barely containing a breathless chuckle, I put my head down on my desk and allowed the giddy grin to break out over my face.
***
We never got to have lunch as CJ had rushed off towards Leo's office tossing genuine apologies over her shoulder. I knew I couldn't take things like this personally now that we'd made a connection, but it disappointed me that I couldn't get the few minutes alone with CJ. Stirring a small mug of soup at my desk, I made myself focus on what really mattered: keeping the Press Office running. I was not about to get unhappy on everyone just because CJ was important to the smooth running of this White House. Leo needed her much more than I did, I rationalized with a silent chuckle, but if only he really knew….
CJ had been gone from the office at least two hours when she'd come back at five, looking annoyed as hell. Saying nothing, she cracked back the door of the office and literally flopped down on the sofa.
I'd seen CJ in moods like these before, and I usually just sat tight at my desk and waited until CJ called for me. Today, despite my insides telling me no, I slowly got up and approached the doorway.
With her legs crossed, CJ was sitting upright on the sofa, drumming her fingers on her thighs. Staring straight ahead with a thoughtful expression on her face, I could no longer tell if she were angry or just trying to decide what to do.
I was about to say something when CJ realized I was standing there. "Do you think if I left right now, anyone would notice?"
I stepped into the office. "I would notice…" I said with a hint of sarcasm, trying to remember the last time any of the senior staff had left before 9 pm.
CJ nodded, "Right, but you'd be coming with me. What's on my schedule?"
"Briefing at six," I said, realizing that she was clear after that. However, knowing CJ—as I do—I could expect her to stay for three more hours just catching up on paperwork and prepping for the next day.
"Okay, I've got a plan. We're leaving after the briefing. I can't take this day any longer than that," she moaned, cradling her head in her hands. I smiled sympathetically, insanely happy that she wanted me to come along.
"That's a great plan CJ…" I put in sarcastically. "We should just hang out in here in case something comes up…" I reasoned aloud, mentally smacking myself for trying to changer her mind; still, someone might need CJ after 6.
CJ glared up at me good-naturedly. "Carol, I absolutely cannot have a real conversation with you in this office. We gotta go somewhere else, if you know what I'm saying?"
I nodded, grinning heavily. "Gotcha. I'll get you some Tylenol…"
She chuckled at my perception, and as I looked back on my way out, I saw CJ lean her head back on the sofa, a contented smile stretching across her expression.
***
The wind was crazy in the Lexus, blowing my long brown hair everywhere, and for a minute I considered cutting it. Short hair was beautiful, as CJ so nicely demonstrated. But it had taken me years to get this hair, and I'd probably regret chopping it down. As I leaned back against the smooth leather, I sighed with relaxation. And then my eyes fell upon the speedometer.
"CJ, you're going like, twenty over the limit."
She briefly glanced over at me and grinned. "Well you should be watching for cops then."
I sat up and pretended to be watching for squad cars in the darkened corners off of the highway. I took my eyes away from the road when I felt CJ hit the brake ever so slightly.
"There, now I'm only ten over the limit…. Jesus, how did the plan get so fucked up?" CJ laughed, hitting a button on the CD player that displayed the clock. "Christ! It's almost twelve-thirty in the morning! We're like, six hours off schedule."
I snorted, knowing she'd hated being locked up with the Vice President and Leo all night. "It was Josh's fault. And the trucks."
"Especially the trucks," CJ chuckled. As we slowed at a red light, CJ lowered the volume of the radio and looked over at me, her expression soft. "I really appreciate you waiting for me."
I cocked my head, hoping she understood the layers of meaning in those words. "I'd wait forever, CJ…" I said, my tone emerging more flippantly than I'd intended. Still, the late hour and her nearness brought me to ringing laughter.
"Funny girl, you're a real riot…This was not a good day," CJ giggled, practically flooring it as the light turned green.
I couldn't get over how young CJ seemed to be inside of herself. She drove like an eighteen-year-old who'd just gotten her license, and her music would drive everyone's mother crazy. I certainly had never guessed, and it was incredibly endearing.
"You're very happy for having had a bad day," I pointed out, sticking my arm out the window into the warm April breeze. "You're back to twenty over…"
"Screw it, it's the middle of the night, Carol. There's like one car on the road!" CJ reasoned, changing lanes with a quick flick of her blinker.
"And that would be yours... Do you know where you're going?" I asked, knowing only that she'd wanted to drive me home. I looked over at CJ, relishing in the way her hair was blowing around, thinking that she even looked young.
She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm going where you tell me…. God, how can it possibly be so late? All I wanted was a little time…" CJ trailed, glancing quickly at me.
I pushed the buttons that rolled up our windows, stopping the frantic wind from getting at my face. I didn't know what CJ meant, but I wanted to hear it.
She sighed, collecting her words as she kept her eye on the highway. "You know, I wanted to spend some time just talking…Carol, and I can't do this thing with you unless we both understand what it is…And I hate the fact that I don't."
I didn't say anything, sensing her confusion. I nodded into the dark car, and reached out for her right hand, resting on the gear shift. It was okay, I silently explained, stroking small circles over her skin, I can make you figure this out……
***
At two thirty in the morning she fell asleep, her head cradled between my shoulder and my chin. With our fingers still entwined, CJ's entire body was curled against mine as I fought to stay awake on the unturned covers of my bed. The moonlight was bright on the quilt, and though I knew I'd be tired in the morning, there was no way I would miss a single second of having her here like this.
Free of her blazer, blouse and shoes, the camisole CJ wore left her arms smooth and bare against my own. She smelled like heaven, and every one of my breaths reminded me of how much I cared about this woman.
Tonight, lying together was more amazing than sex, especially since we'd discovered new things with only words. I was quickly learning that the CJ I'd known for four years wasn't who I had supposed her to be. She wasn't quite so hard and strong, and she wasn't quite so confident and sure. She was starting to seem more human and less the idol I had made her.
CJ told me that she hadn't been with a woman in fifteen years and she didn't like to be labeled. She said she's always just done what's felt right; I feel right, she confided, or she wouldn't have come to this choice. The warm satisfaction of hearing the words from CJ's lips had calmed every tumultuous emotion that had ever passed through me; I suddenly felt as if I'd gained ten years; I no longer felt so utterly inadequate, so immature.
"CJ," I whispered, feeling her body shift in my arms. She was warm and so soft—I never imagined she could be so feminine—and I didn't want to let her go.
"Mmm," CJ murmured, very much half-asleep, "There might be a problem…"
Her voice, though soft with sleep, still held a teasing tone. Grinning drowsily, I lowered my lips to her ear. "What?" I slid my arms tightly around CJ's waist and hoped she would want to come back to this tomorrow.
"I like this way too much," she sighed, her lips brushing my collarbone. "Way too much, Carol…" I could feel her smile against my skin, and as I began to affectionately stroke CJ's hair, I had to agree. *