"What in the world took her so long to finish a chapter of three pages?" You might ask.
I have no idea. But I'm back now and will be updating this regularly again. ::nods::
Anyway, on with the (not beta-read-) story.
~~~ Another speaker
--- Another time
* Relieving thoughts *
Too much love can break your heart even more painful than a lack of it, I've heard my mother say when I was younger. Maybe she was right. After that one incident in the classroom, Sirius and I went on with our lives, pretending to everybody nothing had ever happened. Being so close to him had been wonderful, petrifying even. But it had been more of a dream than reality, too perfect to be true. I hadn't been able to deal with it, deal with happiness in a that big quantity. So after two months of meeting him in dark hallways, forgotten classrooms and dusty broom-sheds I had told him to stop. To stop loving me because I had stopped loving him, as well. I told him not to look back but go on with the life he had lived before there had been an us. How can I have been so cruel, hurting the only person I've ever loved like that? But I know- I… I know it was necessary. I know that I could have never made him happy. He belonged to his friends, to the "celebrities", the girls, James and… and the light. The two of us together had been like trying to combine sun and moon, day and night. We are so different that looking at him actually hurts, shattering something deep inside of me. Deep inside where nothing and no one else ever touched me. He did. Maybe that contrast hadn't been the only reason for that though. I love him, I know that now, thinking about the feeling that always filled me, kissing him. But it's not a love that could ever be accepted, ever even been made official. That love belonged into the dark. Into my world it was my love, and it should have never been connected to him. I should have never sucked him into my cold world.
Dear, beloved, beautiful Sirius you shall never know how much I still love you.
~~~
"You don't mean that Severus! You can't possibly be serious about that!"
Severus lowers his gaze. His eyes have grown dark and cold, even colder and darker than usually. And now, after having said all that, all those words that literally broke my heart he just sneers that sneer I haven't seen for a so long time and that I have hoped to never see again as if to demonstrate to me that things are still the way they used to be years ago. He's making those two months seeming worthless, useless. Maybe that look is the worst thing about it. There can be lies behind words, but faking a look like that is a lot harder. This reminds me too much of the time before we found our love. But that time is long time gone, isn't it? Isn't it?
Still, when you think that things can't possibly get worse. Don't believe it, because they always can. Always.
Severus - quickly turning away from me - keeps ignoring my words. Obviously he doesn't feel any pity for the one he once called his one and only true love. Me.
I feel my voice breaking trying to talk to him again. "Severus, please, what did I do? Why this sudden change? You can't possibly want to throw away what we have! Or, is it me? What have I done, Severus?" I pause, not being sure what to say anymore. Since when is talking to him this hard again?
"I love you" I start, my voice full, serene and low. "I love you"
~~~
Finally I feel tears dwelling up in my eyes, feel the love I possess ripping my chest into pieces, trying to burst my already broken heart. I finally start feeling again. But I know that this is not what I want. I can't just go away, leaving him like this. Maybe my decision is not right, maybe I'm not taking the right way! It is too late though, I have said too much to turn back.
He tells me what I already know. Twice. God, boy, be strong once and realize that I'm doing this for your own good, aren't I. Aren't I? "Come on, Severus, don't be the weak bastard your father has always been" I hear my mother say. I shake my head. No I'm not weak. Not like my father. Unfortunately I'm not at all like him.
"I know" I answer, shakily leaving the room, vainly trying to leave my aching heart behind with the person that truly owns it.
Running down the corridors, I find the way back into *my* dungeons without hesitation, without even having to stop once. But it doesn't matter anyway. Having refused love, there is no reason for me to find my right way, for I have left the path already. I reach my bedroom before my heart, and I close the door to shut it out. The room is empty and dark, matching me perfectly.
I realize numbly that I don't feel my legs anymore and I know that I hit the ground, but I feel nothing. All I hear is blood thundering in my ears, being energized by the part of my body that I so vainly wish to stop beating.
---
I opened my eyes in what seemed like an eternity later.
I opened them to see that I was alone. Once again. So it had all been a dream. Sirius, our love, my happiness. How could I have been foolish enough to believe something like that could actually happen to me? Things like that don't happen to me. They just don't. Happiness doesn't happen to me of all people.
There it is again. That miserable feeling I've had for all my life and that I had almost forgotten while dreaming of Sirius. But looking out of the window, I see dark clouds hiding the sun once again. It's not raining, but it's that particular moment before the first raindrop falls, that second in between rain and sun, winter and summer the time that allows those opposites to meet for the only time of the year. But the moment passes and I know that with that moment I lost the only person I've ever loved. My opposite. Sirius. I feel rather than see the rain kissing the earth, but I stay unkissed. I feel it soaking the ground, as I feel tears running down my cheeks. These are the last tears I'm going to cry for a very long time. It's my time to grow up and be the man I've never wanted to become. It's time to leave the childhood I've never had behind to start out into a totally new future without foolish feelings, without tears and without Sirius.
I didn't lose him. No, I know that I sent him away. I sent love away, ignoring its importance as well as its uniqueness.
Like mother like son, I figure. Genetic crap.
I close my eyes again only to see his face engraved on the insides of my eyelids.
~~~
So it's finally happened. The event I've been scared of for months now. It's almost like coming back from a holiday, a long and exciting holiday, a holiday from which you want to have no end. But they have ends, they all do, and I've reached the end of mine just now. I am strong. I can be strong and I will be strong, at least that is what my thundering heart is trying to tell me, the heart that once used to be filled with love but is now covered by a thick icy shell.
I can be strong, can't I?
I can be strong when it comes to fighting. I'm great at spell casting. I'm a pretty decent boxer and a brilliant sword fighter, but am I strong when it comes to love?
No. No, because I don't want to be. Love is what I've desired most in the world, it is what's kept me alive all my way through torture, through pain and through nightmares. It was the only hope I've ever had before Hogwarts, falling in love and being loved in return. James had always been my weak spot, if someone wanted to hurt me, going through James was the best way imaginable, and now it's not the only one. This is not the way I imagined it to be, but it's real and it's there, it's the only thing there is about life right now, the only thing that really matters. I love him. Love him, love him, love him. And that is never going to change, not even now that I despise him so much. It's twisted. But on the other hand, it's a twisted world, this one is. At least that's what my father used to say.
And then again, why am I suddenly quoting him?
Pain is always with me these days and I've actually caught myself feeling the strange sensation of enjoying it. Every tear I cry arises my anger at him and every sigh I do makes me hate him more and that is a relieving thought in my opinion. He deserves all the hate he can get from me, for he is my one and only love and that's what love is all about, isn't it.
To me it is.
~~~
Review? Please?