-*This chapter is dedicated to my lovely beta-reader Becca. Thank you dear,
without you I wouldn't be posting this now.
~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
Lusting the Loathed
~*~Chapter 04~*~
Boy - Interrupted
~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
Day by day I see him, laughing again, enjoying life and having got back to his old behaviour. They, Sirius, Remus, Peter and James even took up beating me up occasionally again, but I don't care. Maybe I even enjoy it in a way since those are the only moments when he seems to show feelings for me. Not the feelings I want to receive from him but everything is better than indifference I suppose. During meals he seems despiteful as ever, avoiding to look at me and in class he does his best to treat me like the most despicable person in the world which wouldn't be that bad, did it seem like he only pretended, but it doesn't.
It all looks and sounds so real and it seems to be screaming fiercely into my face every second that everything we once might have had is gone. Maybe it never existed, I'm not sure anymore. And above all I know that it's my fault. I see him dating girls again, I see him throwing them away afterwards, becoming a worse heartbreaker than he's ever been because now he obviously knows for sure that they will never fulfil his expectations. They couldn't possibly. He goes through all houses, takes girls from almost all grades now since he's had them all in ours'. And he doesn't seem satisfied. There's anger behind his beautiful eyes, a fire of loathing that only love is able to evoke. He looks and behaves like a beast of prey; caught in a cage forever, unable to escape. And it breaks my heart, seeing him like that, lost and angry and desperate. But there's no way for me to change that, is there?
~~~
Peter is trying to be funny again. He's pathetic. And a rat as it has turned out. His eyes glitter as he speaks to Remus who obviously tries to make him feel better by smiling nicely although he probably doesn't listen to him either. Next week's Full Moon again. Poor Remus. I wonder why Severus never found out about our Full Moon nights, I gave him lots of hints, really having wanted him to know such an important detail of my life. Now I'm glad he didn't, though. I look at him and a wave of warmth flows through me, followed by a greater, fiercer wave of anger and hate. The old loathing is back. Something inside of me hisses icily. But then I smile. The old Sirius is back. I think, whistling and winking at a passing third-year, making her blush furiously. Silly girls. I tried to tell James about the situation, but he said he had figured it out already and stopped me from saying anything really. What he did in response though was beating Severus up that night. Alone and without magic. I don't know what exactly it is that happened that particular night but I remember Severus showing up with sunglasses in class the next day. Well, it wasn't enough but he definitely deserves everything that makes him suffer. One day he is going to get what's in store for him.
Although… somehow I think he should get it from me. And I suppose I have an idea.
~~~
There's something that's definitely come back to normality. Once again, mealtime is the time of the day that I hate most. Although I desire and need it at the same time, just as I still desire and need Sirius. It's the time of the day when I have to face it, face the horror of being rejected and hated for every reason there is. The time of facing Sirius' anger and hate. This shouldn't be new to me, having been the object of his loathing for years, but it is nevertheless. It's different in every possible way there is. It's not comparable at all. Because I am different. I look at him as he is sitting at his table, framed by "his" Gryffindors, five girls flirting with him at once. He looks so much like he once did, before… before us. He's back and I hate it. Suddenly he looks at me, his eyes locking with mine, as they did in many passionate moments, but the warmth that lies in them fades after less than a second, making room for the rejection I'm frighteningly starting to get used to.
I look up as I hear a sound from the ceiling. Owls. His huge white one comes sailing down from the window, carrying what I placed into its care earlier that morning.
~~~
Owlpost. I don't even look up, knowing that Lester will drop my daily bundle of letters on the table. A bundle that I possibly might not even open because I'm getting sick of love letters and tearstained why-did-you- leave-me notes. Really, most of those girls I dropped weeks, even months ago, I don't understand why they're still running after me. And I know that the letter I'm secretly waiting for is not going to arrive. It can't possibly. It didn't. But I need to check nevertheless, having waited for it so impatiently I think, taking the bundle into my hands. The first letter is from Natalie, a girl I dated only once, about three weeks ago, I recognise her neat, clean handwriting. She writes exactly the way she is as I have come to know her. Neat, innocent and boring. Well, at least she got rid of two of those attributes with a little help from my side. And yes, I know she doesn't deserve it, and I know I'm not supposed to act like this, but right now, there's just no sense in acting normal because nothing really is normal right now. The next three letters remain unopened for I know what it is that I would find in there, the usual whining and sobbing and I don't have any use for that now. One letter left and I know what's expecting me. My knees go week as I recognise, enchanted glowing green ink on a black envelope, Severus' handwriting. My hands are shaking, but I open the letter, knowing that my face shows no sign of my inner battle. Why is he putting me through this again? Wasn't breaking my heart enough already? The soft black paper lays lightly in my hands, pretending to have nothing to do with the heavy weight that keeps bouncing on my lungs, forcing me to breathe harder while I unfold the paper, all the while feeling a knife running into my heart and out, in and out again.
He wants to see me. His words are short and precise, telling me what he wants in a few exact words. I hate him for that coldness, for the effortless calmness that I couldn't ever achieve. But I will, I will force him to feel pain. He will feel what I feel and may it only be for a few seconds. He deserves it and so much more than that. Gathering all the strength I possess, focusing all my hate and frustration on just this task, I look up and straight into his eyes. He looks so lost, alone at his table, alone between his friends, alone as usual, just like me, his eyes full of love and despair and pain. But I'm over him I tell myself. He can't reach me anymore. He's beneath me now. And I'm well prepared for this, having already expected this letter. Glancing over to the entrance I give him a sign to meet me outside the hall and get up, walking towards the exit. From the corner of my eye I see him getting up as well, a relieved look on his face.
~~~
He looks so pale as he opens my letter. So pale, but other than that no emotion is mirrored on his face. It's that strength that I've always admired about him, that self-esteem I've always loved so much but never really was able to understand. The colour returns to his skin and he looks up at me, his face cold and emotionless, but definitely offering…something. He looks over to the entrance and gets up. And I follow him, knowing how stupid I am to believe that he actually wants to speak to me, but I need to try at least. Out in the entrance hall my heart drops several inches as I realise that he's not there anymore, of course he isn't. I make my way through the entrance hall and kick the door open, determined to go outside and drown myself in the Hogwarts Lake, or better feed myself to the monster in it.
And there he is, sitting on the stairs in front of the door, looking small and hurt and unprotected and pale and there is nothing I want more than to take him into my arms to comfort him. But I can't because I let him go. I can't because I expected weakness from me when I should have been sure about my strength. So I sit down at his side, not touching him, not saying a word. He's closer to me now than he's been since we broke up - except for the beatings - and I barely dare to breathe.
"You can't leave me alone, can you, Severus?" He asks lazily, looking at his feet.
"No." I hear myself say. I love you, I want you, I'm sorry this happened the way it did, I'm sorry for everything. But I don't say any of it, I just sit there at his side, feeling stupid and greasy and unworthy because that's what he makes me feel right now. I depend so much on what he thinks of me, it's hard to believe I've ever been without him. I see him moving in the corner of my eye and suddenly I feel his hand on my knee. The world turns dark and there's nothing else in the world but he and his touch and I fight hard not to lose control. And it's only his hand on my knee, I'm so pathetic. I take all my control and look up into his eyes, seeing in them the answers to all the questions I haven't even asked yet.
"I want to see you, Severus, no, I want you." He says seductively and I fight hard not to faint as I fix all my concentration on him. "Meet me tomorrow night at Hogsmeade." I tell him that students aren't supposed to leave the school grounds at night, that there were protection spells all over the place, but he only smiles his beautiful stunning smile and tells me about a secret passage that nobody knows of, nobody except him. And now me. He leans over and before he kisses me, looks into my eyes and says, "Trust me." And with his kiss, deep, fierce and passionate, he takes away all my doubts, my coldness and almost the ground under my feet. But then all of a sudden he pulls away, leaving me hollow and exhausted as he gets up and enters the castle again.
~~~
Side by side we sit, just like it used to be. I almost feel him rather than see him out of the corner of my eyes. He looks so pale. Paler than he ever was and almost fragile in his hidden beauty. But this has to be done, I have to do it and I will.
"You can't leave me alone, can you Severus?" I ask, replaying what I've imagined to do since day zero.
"No", he answers, exactly the way I expected him to. His actions are so predictable in a way because he seems to be driven by some sort of an inner red line that keeps him under its force. And then, sometimes he surprises me to no limits, breaking through every pattern there is to him. But not this time. I guess this time he's too afraid to break it, knowing what he might lose if he did. I look at him; this isn't half as hard as I thought it would be. I've crossed a line that allows no return, and that makes it easier to look forth. I don't see what I'm loosing, only what I'm winning by hurting him in the most possible ways. I'm being seductive and cruel with my own, well-rehearsed appeal and I know it hits on him, giving him the sensation of being wanted and trusted and needed. I'm strong now, strong enough to deal with kissing him. It's necessary, I'm just doing it for the sake of the plan, there's no other purpose in it and I… before I get to finish my train of thought my body reacts on him, and before I even realise what I am doing I feel his lips against mine and in no time I'm kissing him with all the feelings that are left inside of me, all the longing and the pain in this one kiss and I almost loose control. But only almost.
But I don't and as I pull back, my strength is back, and what's even more important - my will. All I want is to finish this, to take revenge on him for what he's done to me.
"Trust me." I had told him before the kiss, and I know he will. He will be there tomorrow night. Running to meet his fate because I want him to.
---
~~~
I know it is a trap, I realised that when he looked at me on the stairs yesterday, there was something in his eyes that told me that he was holding back for that reason, I saw an apology for something coming up and I nevertheless can't resist him. Still I am aching to see him tonight although I am very well aware of the fact that he was not offering what I wanted him to offer. He's mocking me, using my feelings to hurt me, and I still cannot leave him alone. Maybe I want to pay for what I did to him although I know that it's never going to be paid up. Running a hand through my once again greasy hair, I decide to follow his will nevertheless. If he wants me to pay, I'll pay. Although I don't quite know what he's planned for me.
~~~
James has suspicions about tonight I think. He's been giving me odd looks all day and asking me questions about whether Severus and I had talked and cleared up the confusions now. But lacking an answer I keep telling him that there is no such thing as feelings for Severus in me anymore, only a scorching rage. But I think that only added to his suspicions. I really shouldn't talk that much about things I don't understand.
Severus seems to buy my offer though, he looks more alive than ever these days which awakens a feeling deep inside my heart that I don't want to confess, not even to myself. He will get what's coming to him; I'll make sure that happens.
~~~
Many thanks to you. Yes, you, the one with the shirt and the eyes. Exactly. Thank you.
~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
Lusting the Loathed
~*~Chapter 04~*~
Boy - Interrupted
~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
Day by day I see him, laughing again, enjoying life and having got back to his old behaviour. They, Sirius, Remus, Peter and James even took up beating me up occasionally again, but I don't care. Maybe I even enjoy it in a way since those are the only moments when he seems to show feelings for me. Not the feelings I want to receive from him but everything is better than indifference I suppose. During meals he seems despiteful as ever, avoiding to look at me and in class he does his best to treat me like the most despicable person in the world which wouldn't be that bad, did it seem like he only pretended, but it doesn't.
It all looks and sounds so real and it seems to be screaming fiercely into my face every second that everything we once might have had is gone. Maybe it never existed, I'm not sure anymore. And above all I know that it's my fault. I see him dating girls again, I see him throwing them away afterwards, becoming a worse heartbreaker than he's ever been because now he obviously knows for sure that they will never fulfil his expectations. They couldn't possibly. He goes through all houses, takes girls from almost all grades now since he's had them all in ours'. And he doesn't seem satisfied. There's anger behind his beautiful eyes, a fire of loathing that only love is able to evoke. He looks and behaves like a beast of prey; caught in a cage forever, unable to escape. And it breaks my heart, seeing him like that, lost and angry and desperate. But there's no way for me to change that, is there?
~~~
Peter is trying to be funny again. He's pathetic. And a rat as it has turned out. His eyes glitter as he speaks to Remus who obviously tries to make him feel better by smiling nicely although he probably doesn't listen to him either. Next week's Full Moon again. Poor Remus. I wonder why Severus never found out about our Full Moon nights, I gave him lots of hints, really having wanted him to know such an important detail of my life. Now I'm glad he didn't, though. I look at him and a wave of warmth flows through me, followed by a greater, fiercer wave of anger and hate. The old loathing is back. Something inside of me hisses icily. But then I smile. The old Sirius is back. I think, whistling and winking at a passing third-year, making her blush furiously. Silly girls. I tried to tell James about the situation, but he said he had figured it out already and stopped me from saying anything really. What he did in response though was beating Severus up that night. Alone and without magic. I don't know what exactly it is that happened that particular night but I remember Severus showing up with sunglasses in class the next day. Well, it wasn't enough but he definitely deserves everything that makes him suffer. One day he is going to get what's in store for him.
Although… somehow I think he should get it from me. And I suppose I have an idea.
~~~
There's something that's definitely come back to normality. Once again, mealtime is the time of the day that I hate most. Although I desire and need it at the same time, just as I still desire and need Sirius. It's the time of the day when I have to face it, face the horror of being rejected and hated for every reason there is. The time of facing Sirius' anger and hate. This shouldn't be new to me, having been the object of his loathing for years, but it is nevertheless. It's different in every possible way there is. It's not comparable at all. Because I am different. I look at him as he is sitting at his table, framed by "his" Gryffindors, five girls flirting with him at once. He looks so much like he once did, before… before us. He's back and I hate it. Suddenly he looks at me, his eyes locking with mine, as they did in many passionate moments, but the warmth that lies in them fades after less than a second, making room for the rejection I'm frighteningly starting to get used to.
I look up as I hear a sound from the ceiling. Owls. His huge white one comes sailing down from the window, carrying what I placed into its care earlier that morning.
~~~
Owlpost. I don't even look up, knowing that Lester will drop my daily bundle of letters on the table. A bundle that I possibly might not even open because I'm getting sick of love letters and tearstained why-did-you- leave-me notes. Really, most of those girls I dropped weeks, even months ago, I don't understand why they're still running after me. And I know that the letter I'm secretly waiting for is not going to arrive. It can't possibly. It didn't. But I need to check nevertheless, having waited for it so impatiently I think, taking the bundle into my hands. The first letter is from Natalie, a girl I dated only once, about three weeks ago, I recognise her neat, clean handwriting. She writes exactly the way she is as I have come to know her. Neat, innocent and boring. Well, at least she got rid of two of those attributes with a little help from my side. And yes, I know she doesn't deserve it, and I know I'm not supposed to act like this, but right now, there's just no sense in acting normal because nothing really is normal right now. The next three letters remain unopened for I know what it is that I would find in there, the usual whining and sobbing and I don't have any use for that now. One letter left and I know what's expecting me. My knees go week as I recognise, enchanted glowing green ink on a black envelope, Severus' handwriting. My hands are shaking, but I open the letter, knowing that my face shows no sign of my inner battle. Why is he putting me through this again? Wasn't breaking my heart enough already? The soft black paper lays lightly in my hands, pretending to have nothing to do with the heavy weight that keeps bouncing on my lungs, forcing me to breathe harder while I unfold the paper, all the while feeling a knife running into my heart and out, in and out again.
He wants to see me. His words are short and precise, telling me what he wants in a few exact words. I hate him for that coldness, for the effortless calmness that I couldn't ever achieve. But I will, I will force him to feel pain. He will feel what I feel and may it only be for a few seconds. He deserves it and so much more than that. Gathering all the strength I possess, focusing all my hate and frustration on just this task, I look up and straight into his eyes. He looks so lost, alone at his table, alone between his friends, alone as usual, just like me, his eyes full of love and despair and pain. But I'm over him I tell myself. He can't reach me anymore. He's beneath me now. And I'm well prepared for this, having already expected this letter. Glancing over to the entrance I give him a sign to meet me outside the hall and get up, walking towards the exit. From the corner of my eye I see him getting up as well, a relieved look on his face.
~~~
He looks so pale as he opens my letter. So pale, but other than that no emotion is mirrored on his face. It's that strength that I've always admired about him, that self-esteem I've always loved so much but never really was able to understand. The colour returns to his skin and he looks up at me, his face cold and emotionless, but definitely offering…something. He looks over to the entrance and gets up. And I follow him, knowing how stupid I am to believe that he actually wants to speak to me, but I need to try at least. Out in the entrance hall my heart drops several inches as I realise that he's not there anymore, of course he isn't. I make my way through the entrance hall and kick the door open, determined to go outside and drown myself in the Hogwarts Lake, or better feed myself to the monster in it.
And there he is, sitting on the stairs in front of the door, looking small and hurt and unprotected and pale and there is nothing I want more than to take him into my arms to comfort him. But I can't because I let him go. I can't because I expected weakness from me when I should have been sure about my strength. So I sit down at his side, not touching him, not saying a word. He's closer to me now than he's been since we broke up - except for the beatings - and I barely dare to breathe.
"You can't leave me alone, can you, Severus?" He asks lazily, looking at his feet.
"No." I hear myself say. I love you, I want you, I'm sorry this happened the way it did, I'm sorry for everything. But I don't say any of it, I just sit there at his side, feeling stupid and greasy and unworthy because that's what he makes me feel right now. I depend so much on what he thinks of me, it's hard to believe I've ever been without him. I see him moving in the corner of my eye and suddenly I feel his hand on my knee. The world turns dark and there's nothing else in the world but he and his touch and I fight hard not to lose control. And it's only his hand on my knee, I'm so pathetic. I take all my control and look up into his eyes, seeing in them the answers to all the questions I haven't even asked yet.
"I want to see you, Severus, no, I want you." He says seductively and I fight hard not to faint as I fix all my concentration on him. "Meet me tomorrow night at Hogsmeade." I tell him that students aren't supposed to leave the school grounds at night, that there were protection spells all over the place, but he only smiles his beautiful stunning smile and tells me about a secret passage that nobody knows of, nobody except him. And now me. He leans over and before he kisses me, looks into my eyes and says, "Trust me." And with his kiss, deep, fierce and passionate, he takes away all my doubts, my coldness and almost the ground under my feet. But then all of a sudden he pulls away, leaving me hollow and exhausted as he gets up and enters the castle again.
~~~
Side by side we sit, just like it used to be. I almost feel him rather than see him out of the corner of my eyes. He looks so pale. Paler than he ever was and almost fragile in his hidden beauty. But this has to be done, I have to do it and I will.
"You can't leave me alone, can you Severus?" I ask, replaying what I've imagined to do since day zero.
"No", he answers, exactly the way I expected him to. His actions are so predictable in a way because he seems to be driven by some sort of an inner red line that keeps him under its force. And then, sometimes he surprises me to no limits, breaking through every pattern there is to him. But not this time. I guess this time he's too afraid to break it, knowing what he might lose if he did. I look at him; this isn't half as hard as I thought it would be. I've crossed a line that allows no return, and that makes it easier to look forth. I don't see what I'm loosing, only what I'm winning by hurting him in the most possible ways. I'm being seductive and cruel with my own, well-rehearsed appeal and I know it hits on him, giving him the sensation of being wanted and trusted and needed. I'm strong now, strong enough to deal with kissing him. It's necessary, I'm just doing it for the sake of the plan, there's no other purpose in it and I… before I get to finish my train of thought my body reacts on him, and before I even realise what I am doing I feel his lips against mine and in no time I'm kissing him with all the feelings that are left inside of me, all the longing and the pain in this one kiss and I almost loose control. But only almost.
But I don't and as I pull back, my strength is back, and what's even more important - my will. All I want is to finish this, to take revenge on him for what he's done to me.
"Trust me." I had told him before the kiss, and I know he will. He will be there tomorrow night. Running to meet his fate because I want him to.
---
~~~
I know it is a trap, I realised that when he looked at me on the stairs yesterday, there was something in his eyes that told me that he was holding back for that reason, I saw an apology for something coming up and I nevertheless can't resist him. Still I am aching to see him tonight although I am very well aware of the fact that he was not offering what I wanted him to offer. He's mocking me, using my feelings to hurt me, and I still cannot leave him alone. Maybe I want to pay for what I did to him although I know that it's never going to be paid up. Running a hand through my once again greasy hair, I decide to follow his will nevertheless. If he wants me to pay, I'll pay. Although I don't quite know what he's planned for me.
~~~
James has suspicions about tonight I think. He's been giving me odd looks all day and asking me questions about whether Severus and I had talked and cleared up the confusions now. But lacking an answer I keep telling him that there is no such thing as feelings for Severus in me anymore, only a scorching rage. But I think that only added to his suspicions. I really shouldn't talk that much about things I don't understand.
Severus seems to buy my offer though, he looks more alive than ever these days which awakens a feeling deep inside my heart that I don't want to confess, not even to myself. He will get what's coming to him; I'll make sure that happens.
~~~
Many thanks to you. Yes, you, the one with the shirt and the eyes. Exactly. Thank you.