Thanks for all the enthusiastic response everyone! Last night I stayed up sooo late studying for my newest Japanese test that after a while, I got up to get something to drink and noticed that the sun was getting ready to rise! INJUSTICE!!! Yeah, and then on the test, it had this question all like "Which do you want more right now, time or money? If you had it, what would you do?" (obviously, it was in Japanese though) so I went on about how although I was poor, I needed time more. There just isn't enough hours in the day sometimes! Grr. Someone should fix that. Thankfully, I have a constant supply of coffee for the drinking. But I tell ya, I got like two and a half hours of sleep before I had to get up to study some more! You know…maybe if I would've started studying earlier instead of playing games with my sister online and typing the first part of this up. But you see, I couldn't concentrate on studying until I wrote something! I really want to get to the sequel, which I started, but then halfway through the first chapter realized I needed to back up the Kouga and Kagura thing. Oh well. These two are so heartsick, can't take that long for them to figure things out, can it? Can it??? Dig it, I'm getting impatient with myself! Sometimes that happens. Like, I know what's gonna happen, so it's not that bad, but sometimes I get so impatient for a new part that I can't sleep until I type it. Yeah…I just noticed I'm talking about nothing. I bet there's like five people who read my intros. The others are all smart and like "She never says anything important" so they skip it. Oh well. I better get to the point here! Oh, hey, Jade…45 days, 3 hours, and 33 minutes!
*****
Love To Hate You
Part 2
*****
Remembering all the times you've fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
-Linkin Park In The End
Kouga licked his lips unconsciously from where he was hidden in a tree at the edge of the clearing. He stared at the shabby hut, trying to ignore the smell of cooking meat that was coming from it. He wasn't sure what that woman was making, but it sure as hell smelled good. He hadn't eaten anything today but a few scraps of dried meat he'd grabbed before suddenly deciding that he needed to get out of the cave for a few days. Kouga hadn't really had a purpose in mind when he left the cave that morning. It was just good to be out by himself, away from complaining and petty squabbles, away from all of it. The tribe was accustomed to him sometimes disappearing on little expeditions, sometimes for days at a time. Sometimes he took others with him, and sometimes he didn't. They accepted what he did because he was the leader and that was his prerogative.
After going some way, Kouga had started to recognize some landmarks, realizing that he was headed roughly in the direction of Kagura, if she hadn't fled after they first met. Probably long gone by now. It's been eight months. No way she'd stay in that shitty hut waiting for me to come finish her off for that long. She'd have to be some sort of idiot. Despite his thoughts, Kouga had decided it couldn't hurt to check and see if she was gone for himself. And when he'd come, he'd seen her while quickly hiding in the tree so she wouldn't spot him as well. She'd been hanging up a few freshly cleaned garments, presumably her own. The kimono she was wearing now was different from the one he remembered her wearing the last time he'd seen her. It wasn't nearly as nice, and obviously wasn't silk. Also, she seemed not to be painting her lips and eyelids anymore. Perhaps all this time alone had led her to no longer care about her appearance. It wasn't as though she was now ugly to look at, though. Somehow, the fresh, clean face she wore now had it's own appeal.
What am I doing, sitting around here still? She's not doing anything interesting Kouga's stomach growled loudly then, just as Kagura came back outside, carrying what looked like the leftover bits from whatever she was putting together. Did she hear that? He wondered in alarm, his eyes widening and his body stiffening as he noticed that Kagura was headed his way. What am I so worried for? Just cause I said…I'd kill her… Kouga watched as Kagura came closer and closer to his hiding spot. But then, just when he thought she really had heard him, she tossed the bits of vegetables into the forest and turned to leave. But just as she did, he could have sworn her eyes flickered up the tree for just a moment. It must have been his imagination though, because she didn't pause on her return trip to the hut.
Perhaps he'd been lurking for too long. He didn't care how some idiot woman was doing. Especially not some crazy bitch who killed some of my tribe. Kouga nodded sharply. I don't care about some freak like that who's afraid to die! Who starts makin' excuses and cries… Kouga felt a pang of guilt. Somehow…there was something about a woman crying like that. All his pride, all his arrogance, all his stubborn anger and hatred were completely neutralized by it. Why? Why should I care if she doesn't wanna die? Of course she doesn't want to die! No one wants to die, no matter how much they deserve it! No matter how many people she hurt, of course she didn't want…
Just do it then! her voice, hysterical from her tears, echoed in his mind. If you want to, just kill me! Go ahead! It's not like I don't deserve it! Now's your chance, so get it over with!
Maybe…maybe she does want to die? Kouga considered, confused as how this could be true. But why would she want to die?
It's not like I don't deserve it! The ghost of Kagura's voice answered. Kouga shook his head to clear it when Kagura came back out of her hut.
Now what's she up to? Kouga watched, licking his lips again as she sat down on the grass in front of her hut with some sort of thick meat soup. It smelled so good, and he was so hungry…
"You realize, it's extremely impolite to come to visit and then not do it properly?" Kagura appeared to be speaking to the sky, but Kouga had the sudden feeling that maybe—just maybe—she had seen him, after all. But maybe she was just crazy. Women were strange creatures. She sipped at her soup for a few moments as though waiting for something. Then she pursed her lips and stood up, going back into the hut.
What now? Kouga was totally confused. Did she act like this every day, or was he just exceptionally unlucky? He waited for her to return, wanting to see what she'd do next, but she stayed in the hut for a long time. Perhaps she had forgotten her dinner…Kouga's stomach rumbled agreement, and he jumped out of his hiding place carefully, sneaking forward until he reached the edge of the clearing. Just take it, go! Apparently, his mind and his stomach were forming some sort of allegiance. Kouga couldn't fight against that. Looking around carefully, he crept stealthily toward the bowl, his entire focus on the brown, chunky liquid and the wonderful smelling air wafting from it, straight to his nose. Licking his lips once more, Kouga scrambled the last few steps and began to hurriedly eat the soup, shoving his whole face in the bowl and sloshing it around terribly. The hot liquid scalded his hands, but he didn't really notice in his rush to get as much eaten as fast as he could.
"Did you want some help there, wolf man?" an amused voice finally stopped him right in the middle of his feeding. He leapt to his feet, a piece of vegetable stuck to his lip still, broth all over his face and hands. The bowl lay forgotten on the ground. "Sorry for interrupting, but it didn't exactly seem like an overly formal affair."
"Y…you!" Kouga growled, unsure of how to continue.
"I've never trapped a wolf man with stew before." She smiled at him as though this was all extremely amusing. "Well then, are you going to come in, or were you only here to kill me? Either way, I can give you something to eat." Kouga screwed up his face at her. How could she sound so casual about it? Wasn't she afraid of him? Or was it…that she wasn't afraid of dying itself? "Well, what's it gonna be?" her voice brought him back to the present.
"I just…didn't…I'm gonna go if…do you really have more?" he licked his lips, catching the poor dangling vegetable with his tongue. Kagura laughed at the eager flash in his already bright eyes. He was an interesting one, this wolf man.
"Come on then," Kagura nodded, picking up the bowl as Kouga ran ahead of her. "Don't touch anything!" she called to him as he entered her hut. She went in only moments later to see him sitting eagerly on the edge of the small fire she kept sometimes in the middle of her hut where it couldn't touch anything. The fire had died considerably, leaving only a few persistent flames that licked the edges of the cauldron in the middle of the coals. "Careful you don't fall in, there." She teased as he leaned over to watch her fill the bowl he'd left for her to pick up. Shaking her head, she handed it to him. "It's hot," she warned, blowing on it slightly before he could take it from her. He made as if to shove his face in the bowl again, but the movement splashed some of the just-boiling broth on his hand.
"Fuck! It's hot!" Kouga moved so sharply, he spilled the whole bowl over his left arm, yelping loudly and cursing repeatedly. Kagura watched him yelp as she refilled his now empty bowl, then she left it to cool while she tried to get him under control.
"Of course it's hot. Did you think I lied?" she laughed, trying to gab some bit of the flailing wolf before he started tearing up her tiny home. She finally snatched his burnt arm, and this only made him curse louder. She winced, moving her hand to his upper arm, not letting go. "Come on now, you're such a child."
"What the hell? Where are we going?" he asked as she led him back out of the hut and back toward the forest. "My arm hurts, but I'm still fucking hungry!"
"Don't complain so much, it's your own fault for not listening to me. I told you it was hot." She laughed slightly, shaking her head as they reached a small creek. "Now come and stick your arm in the water."
"What for?" Kouga snorted. "You can't tell me what to do."
"Fine. Be that way. But when your burn forms blisters, don't come crying to me." Kagura huffed, letting go of him to cross her arms angrily. "Seriously, there's no need to be stubborn about something so small."
"Blisters?" Kouga's tribe rarely cooked their meat, and when they did he wasn't involved in it. He'd never really encountered burns from food before. "Fine, I'll stick my arm in the damn water if that makes you feel better." He conceded, sitting on his haunches to shove his burned arm in the icy water. He gasped at the feeling of the water, making him forget the burning sensation on his arm.
"Feels better doesn't it?" Kagura asked, smirking slightly.
"Feh. Not like it hurt that much to start." Kouga grumbled, standing up and regretting it slightly. The water had felt good on his burn. "I'm youkai, remember. This'll be gone by the morning. Now let's go back so I can eat something."
"I'm glad you're here." She spoke the words out of nowhere, and Kouga stopped short for a moment.
"Why should you be?" he asked as they made their way back to the hut. "Last time I saw you, I said I'd kill you if it happened again."
"But you didn't kill me." She reminded him as they reached the clearing. "Why did you come back?"
"I was…just making sure you weren't causing some sorta trouble." Kouga's brow furrowed.
"No matter what you're here for, it's good to be able to talk to someone." Kagura admitted as they reentered her hut. "You don't meet a lot of people out here in the middle of nowhere. I miss being able to talk to people, even if I never did have any real friends."
"Then why live here?" Kouga asked, picking up his bowl much more slowly than before. "It's not like anyone will know who you are. And if you cover your ears, no one would even know you're youkai."
"I know." Kagura pursed her lips together as she kneeled before the dying fire with a long stick before putting the last of the cauldron's contents in another bowl for herself. "I mean, I've had to buy things, like that cauldron, so that I can stay here, but I…I can't live with them. I'll never be one of them."
"Does it really matter that they're only humans?" Kouga asked, twisting his mouth in a scowl as he looked up from his soup. "I mean, they're weak and all that, but they aren't all that bad. If you're so lonely, just—"
"I can't!" Kagura cut him off, looking angry with him for questioning her. After a moment of glaring at him, she looked down at her soup as though it were extremely interesting. In a quieter voice, she spoke up again. "I can't live with them. You know what I've done, who I was. I can't." There was a long pause. "Maybe I'm silly for thinking like this, but I do feel regret for the life I once lived. I just wish…I hope that somehow, I can pay for what happened and be forgiven."
"So you're punishing yourself?" Kouga asked, surprised at how she felt.
"I guess you could say that. Also, I know that if I never see anyone, then I can't hurt anyone pointlessly ever again." Kagura admitted, sipping her soup. Kouga shook his head.
"You're such a woman, all worried about feelings and shit." He told her. "It's the past, just forget it. Isn't it enough that you feel bad about it?"
"Is it?" she asked, looking up, pain in her red eyes. "Is it enough? You tell me now, do you think it makes up for what I did to you, knowing that I'm guilty about it now? Does it bring back all the men I killed for no real reason?" They were both silent for a long time as she waited for his answer.
"It doesn't bring them back." He finally replied, finishing his bowl. "But let me ask you something. What would you think if I killed you right now? Would you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive. It was revenge. It's the only thing I can do now, letting you take my life in exchange for those you lost." She sipped calmly at her soup. Kouga narrowed his eyes at her.
"Do you want me to kill you?" he asked. "Would that make you feel like you'd paid for what you've done, knowing that I got revenge?"
"I suppose it would." She answered. "I don't want to die in particular. If I did, I'd just stop eating or stab myself, or something easy like that. I guess you could say that I don't necessarily want you to kill me, but I wouldn't hold it against you either. I don't really have any specific purpose for continuing to live, so it wouldn't be that great of a hardship. No one would even miss me."
"That's ridiculous. I've never heard a stupider bunch of shit in my whole life." Kouga tossed his bowl at the wall angrily. "You honestly don't care? What the hell's with that? I don't understand a damn thing about you."
"I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's how I feel." She shot back, finishing her own soup and setting down the bowl calmly.
"So lemme ask you a question!" Kouga stood up, glaring at her for staying so calm about all this. "If I kill you right now, what good will it be? Will it bring back my men?" Kagura licked her lips nervously.
"No…I suppose it won't," she answered, sighing heavily. "I know. There's nothing I can do, really. But I am sorry. It's all I can do now." Kagura stood up, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I need…I have to go…do something." She explained lamely before leaving the hut in a hurry. Kouga frowned, his eyes following her form as she disappeared into the now darkened forest.
"What the hell?" he growled. "What's her problem? Off to cry again, is she? Like I care." He crossed his arms stubbornly and stood there for almost a full minute before stomping his foot angrily and heading out after her. It didn't take long to catch up to her, trying to hide behind a large log, crying her eyes out. Kouga snorted in disgust and grabbed her arm, pulling her up roughly.
"Kouga!" she gasped when she was standing. She scrubbed at her wet face furiously, though the tears were barely visible now that the sun had set.
"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.
"I was…just…" she sniffled lightly, still rather upset.
"Don't bother to lie." He interrupted her halted speech. Her lip quivered, threatening more tears.
"I was…I was crying." She admitted, her voice shaking worse than her lip.
"What for?" he demanded.
"Because…you hate me!" she answered, covering her face with her hands to hide her tears from him.
"Who the hell told you that?" he asked forcefully.
"You do!" she sobbed. "I know it's selfish, but I was hoping…you came back so I thought…I thought that you could…and I wouldn't have to be alone…but you hate me!" She cried so hard that she fell to her knees.
"Dammit." Kouga grumbled. What the hell do I do now? I made it worse! He realized. Why should I care? She killed all those people, she's only getting what she deserves, even if she is sorry! But maybe…maybe I feel sorry for her. Lowering himself, Kouga heaved a great sigh before awkwardly hugging the sobbing woman.
"I…don't hate you." He told her. "I don't." She was stiff in his arms, and the entire thing seemed uncomfortable.
"You…you don't?" she asked, sniffling as her crying subsided.
"I used to," he admitted, noticing that she wasn't nearly as resistant to the hug now. "You killed all those men. Some of them were my friends, and all of them were my responsibility. And you used me. You lied to me."
"I'm sorry, I didn't—"
"But," he cut her off. "Not that long ago, I used to be like that, killing for no good reason just because I could. I think that's the thing I really hated, seeing how wrong I'd been. You're no different than I am. You feel sorry for all the things you did. Sorrier than I ever felt. And you were being ordered around. No one ever told me what to do."
"It doesn't make it less wrong." She answered, slowly melting into his arms, drawing comfort from the embrace. Kouga tightened his arms around her.
"No, it doesn't. But you shouldn't think your life is so worthless. Just go on living." He urged her. The way she felt in his arms, so soft and unresisting…it was very warm. "You're worried that no one will forgive you, but I think the one that you need to worry about is yourself. You can't forgive yourself and it's tearing you apart. You need to try…find something to live for…I don't know. I sound stupid." Kouga blushed.
"No you don't. You're right, you know." Kagura laid her head on his shoulder. "I never have forgiven myself. Maybe that's what's wrong."
"Maybe." He sighed, wondering why it felt so right, sitting here with this woman in his arms.
"Kouga?" she spoke up, not moving from the embrace.
"Yeah?" he replied.
"I don't want to be alone again." She told him.
"You won't be." He answered.
****
The End (Of Part 2 That Is)