I have another story up that is long overdue for being updated….but I'm sorry! I felt the Kouga/Kagura vibes, okay!? Plus, I'm just soooo ready for the TFLG sequel…and yeah. I hope the other people don't start rioting. That wouldn't be cool. Okay, story time! But first….Jade! 40 days, 21 hours, and 45 minutes! Woohoo!
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Love To Hate You
Part 3
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I liked the way my hand looked on your head
In the presence of my struggle
But the beauty of this vision alone
I can't shake from my tree just yet
It keeps invading all my private moments
Listen to me now
-Live Iris
Kouga stopped himself from starting toward Kagura's hut for the fifth time in as many days. It had been just about a month since he'd last seen Kagura. He'd left that same night after taking her back to her hut, Kagura still sniffling slightly and wiping her eyes. As soon as they got back, he told her he had to go, that he hadn't meant to linger for so long anyway. It had been quite the scene. She'd started crying all over again.
"You're going back?" she asked, her lip trembling, and Kouga felt apprehensive that she might begin to cry again. It'd been hard enough to stop her last time, he didn't want to deal with that again.
"Of course I'm going back, what'd you think I came here to stay or some shit?" he asked, more roughly than he intended. That did it. Kagura's eyes began to overflow all over again, spilling wet streams down her still blotchy face.
"You said…I wouldn't have to be alone again." She sniffled, glaring accusation at him. Kouga suddenly felt like he had done something terribly wrong, and he felt angry with himself for being so subject to the emotions of a woman.
"Dammit, Kagura! I'm not you're babysitter! You don't need someone here every damn second of the day!" Kouga snapped, only causing her eyes to widen as she turned and ran in the hut to go cry alone. Cursing under his breath, Kouga followed her after a few moments. She was over in the corner on her futon, sobbing into the thin blanket and curled up into a ball. "Kagura…" his voice was apologetic, and she froze at the sound of it.
"If you're leaving me, just go." She hissed angrily. What the hell did that woman want from him?
"Kagura, I'll come back." He told her grudgingly. "I meant what I said…I just can't always be here. I have responsibilities, you know!" The sobs subsided slightly, but she wouldn't turn to face him. "Dammit, why do I even bother! I don't owe you anything, I don't need to explain." He growled, leaving.
"I'll wait for you." Her desperate voice reached his ears as he exited the hut. He paused before making his way home through the night.
It's not like he said he'd come back so soon or anything. He didn't owe her anything! The damn woman had killed half his tribe once! Well, it has been years since that happened, and she's changed, and of course she was sorry but—hey, what the hell am I doing? Am I justifying all that shit she did? What the fuck is wrong with me? Kouga's eyes widened and he stopped walking suddenly. I can't…can it be that I care what happens to that crazy bitch? He shook the thought out of his head immediately. Dammit, now she's making me feel guilty even without having to see that damn look on her face. Like I'm doing something wrong, not going to see her.
"Dammit," he growled under his breath as he turned back and started heading in a direction he seemed to recall all too easily. "What the hell is with this woman?"
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"Idiot," Kagura mumbled to herself as she caught her eyes wandering to the tree where she had found Kouga a month ago. She was outside hanging up her spare kimono's to dry after she had washed them. "He's not coming back any sooner if you keep staring off into space." The fact that she looked so forward to his return scared Kagura somewhat. Since when do I depend on anyone? I shouldn't need to see him. It's not like I…care about him, do I? Kagura gave pause at this thought before draping the final piece of cotton over the clothesline. She had sold her old silk kimono to purchase the ones she had now as well as the cauldron and a few other things. The cotton kimonos were simpler than what she was used to, but it was more than serviceable enough to make up for the lack of elegance. Also, these ones were warmer, and in her shabbily constructed hut she needed all the extra warmth she could find.
If I just knew what I was doing…maybe then this hut wouldn't be such a piece of shit. Kagura sighed and rolled her eyes. Of course, for not having a clue how it should work, she'd done quite a good job. And if anyone else tried to insult her little home, she'd be furious. But for Kagura to admit it to herself was something entirely different. _It kind of reflects who I am, ill-made and clumsy, not something that anyone would ever admire or care about. What even makes me think that Kouga would come back to see me? Why should he come back, even if he said he would? Am I worth the trouble, really? He probably just said it to get me to shut up.
Kagura sighed again and then looked over at the fat bird she'd killed earlier for dinner. Trudging over to where she'd strung it up to drain a good portion of blood, Kagura began to pluck at the feathers. By now, she was well used to doing such work, but that just left her mind free to wander. "Stupid bird, why'd I even kill you. You're far too big for me to eat alone." She pouted at the headless, upside down carcass.
"You could probably finish it all, but then you'd get fat." A voice from behind her supplied helpfully. "You'd better give some of it to me." Kagura whirled around, her face lighting up in a huge smile before she could realize how silly she must look, her hands full of feathers and a dopey grin on her face.
"Kouga!" she exclaimed, noticing the feathers and tossing them aside carelessly. "You came back!"
"Feh, I said I would, didn't I?" he reminded her in a voice that said he couldn't think of any place he'd like to be less than there with her.
"But still, even though you said it, I thought that maybe—" Kagura drifted off, still beaming at him.
"I keep my word, wench." He told her roughly. "That's dinner?" he asked, eyeing the half-plucked bird critically.
"Well, yes, but it's not nearly ready yet." Kagura explained. "You'll really like it when I'm finished, I swear! And…um, let's see…" Kagura ran to her hut and shuffled around inside. Kouga followed and saw that she was looking inside a wooden container full of white stuff critically. "I found a wild rice paddy, and I've been making most of it into flour. And I was able to gather some honey as well. It's not a lot, but I think I could make us some little cakes."
"Cakes?" Obviously Kouga was not a connoisseur of such food.
"It's a kind of human food. They're sweet, but they don't have any meat in them, just so you know." Kagura couldn't help but smile at the doubtful look on his face. "I promise you'll like it, just please…stay." She reached over, grabbing his hand firmly as though she feared he would leave. Kouga felt a bit embarrassed for some reason, and he looked down at their hands.
"I'm not going to run away or anything." He told her finally. Blushing, she dropped his hand and busied herself with brushing the long strands of black hair out of her face. She then turned to leave the hut.
"I…I'll go get the bird ready. You can just…sit around, I guess." She told him, hurrying back to the bird as though she was sure he'd leave if she kept him waiting too long. After a while, he went outside as wall, settling down to watch her lazily. Kagura didn't notice his eyes on her as she happily plucked the bird clean, humming some imaginary tune quietly as she worked. When she finished, she untied the legs and took the bird down, turning and then almost dropping it in surprise as she noticed that Kouga was watching her.
"What's your problem?" he asked about the shocked look on her face.
"I…you were watching me." She explained, blushing. Kouga pointedly looked away from her.
"So what? Is that a problem? I was just checking what you did." He justified. "Make sure you don't poison me."
"Hardly." Kagura laughed at the thought and hurried past him into the hut. After a moment, he followed to notice how she was stirring the small fire she seemed to always have going in the middle of her little hut. The bird was waiting patiently to be used in the cauldron.
"That'd be easier if you had a fire pit outside." Kouga told her. "You know, there'd be more room in here."
"Oh, I don't need anything that big just for myself. Plus, I don't really know how to do it." She admitted, blushing in embarrassment.
"They aren't hard." He told her. "Just a hole all lined with rocks." He told her as he watched her placing many fist-sized stones all around the edge of the fire. "I could make you one." He told her, making his voice as noncommittal as possible.
"Oh, you don't need to worry about me." She smiled up at him.
"Feh." Kouga snorted. "Like I'm worried about someone like you." He huffed. Then he looked over at the rocks as she arranged them carefully. "What are those for? Are we cooking some rocks now too?" he asked sarcastically.
"No, these are for cooking the chicken. You'll see." Kagura picked up her slightly tattered gathering basket. "I have to go get something for dinner so—"
"I'll come." He told her. "Make sure it's nothing weird."
"Oh…okay then. Did you want to hold the basket?" she teased as they walked toward the forest. He snorted and turned up his chin. They walked for some way, but Kagura seemed to know where she was headed, so Kouga didn't say anything. Finally, she stopped at a good-sized patch of some big green leafy plant that Kouga didn't really know much about. He thought it was edible, but he didn't eat vegetables, so he wasn't sure. Kagura sat on her knees and began to gather the leaves, stacking them neatly in the basket. Hesitating a moment, Kouga dropped beside her and inspected the leaves closely. He picked one out of the basket and bit it experimentally.
"Blech! This tastes like shit! You aren't feeding me that shit! Disgusting!" he tossed the bitten leaf aside, and Kagura began laughing at him, covering her mouth in a failed attempt to hide her amusement. "What? It's nasty!"
"You don't eat that." She told him. "I suppose you can, but it's really too strong. I use it when I cook some things to add flavor. I can't believe you bit into it!"
"I didn't know!" he growled at her. He was silent for a moment and then watched as she sat humming and carefully gathering the leaves. "Like this?" he reached out to a plant and yanked the leaf off. It ripped in half.
"No, not that hard." She smiled slightly, but didn't laugh this time. "Here, let me show you." She grabbed a leaf and slowly showed him how she twisted and pulled it while holding the stem in the other hand. "This way you don't really hurt the plant. And you can't take all the leaves, or it'll die." She repeated her actions slowly for him to watch. "You see?"
"Not that hard." He told her, straightening up as he imitated her, grinning smugly over his leaf as it snapped easily from the stem. "Anyone could do this."
"Obviously. I mean, I don't have any problem with it." She nodded, pulling off another leaf.
"Who showed you how?" he wanted to know.
"When I went to sell my kimono and use the money for some things, I stayed with an old lady. She showed me a lot of things." Kagura explained.
"Obviously she didn't teach you how to build a house." Kouga snorted derisively.
"Do you have a problem with that? It's the best I could do, you know! I didn't really have a lot of options available!" she snapped at him defensively.
"Okay, calm down." Kouga rolled his eyes. "It's okay, I guess. I'm just saying it could…you know, be better."
"I know." She admitted, sighing. "But it was hard enough for me to do what I did." She stood up, indicating that she was done gathering the leaves. But instead of turning back, she headed further into the forest.
"I know." Kouga allowed, following her. They were silent until she stopped at a tiny patch of what looked like a very fat grass. "We're eating grass?" he asked, curling his lip in disgust.
"It's not grass, Kouga." She told him. She lowered herself and he followed curiously.
"Sure as hell looks like grass to me." He mumbled loud enough for her to hear.
"You'd think a wild youkai would know more about nature." Kagura teased.
"Feh! Like I care about vegetables!" Kouga snorted. As he spoke, she leaned forward and snapped off a small stalk of the strange grass. She offered it to him.
"Don't eat it all." She warned him. Just lick the tip where I broke it so you can taste the juice." She instructed him. He did so with a bit of trepidation. After all, the last plant she'd been gathering had a disgustingly overpowering flavor. He felt a slight tingling on his tongue, an interesting feeling that was odd from any food he'd ever had. Of course, his diet was mostly raw meat, so he didn't have a broad taste base.
"It's…it's hot?" he looked at her, ready to see her laughing at him suggesting that some piece of grass could taste hot. But it warmed his tongue even though it was cool in his hand. "How is it hot?"
"It's an onion. The roots are the best part, really." She told him, pulling up some of the green stalks to show a small white ball. "Farmers can get theirs much bigger, but I don't really have a lot to work with here." She explained, pulling up another onion. After he got over his shock, Kouga helped her gather a small amount of the little balls before they got up again.
"Now, I have the rest of what I need at home, but I'd like to get some berries…" she murmured quietly, looping her path back around toward the hut, but taking a detour to where there was a small stream with a thick cluster of bushes growing around it. Kagura picked a few and ate the last one. "Mmm, try some." She encouraged Kouga, pointing toward the bush before she continued to pick. "Get one of the darker ones. The others aren't ripe yet. They won't taste good." She told him. He nodded slightly before selecting a berry and sniffing it before popping it into his mouth.
"Mm, not bad." He said gruffly, but his eyes danced with pleasure as he picked a few more, eating them all. After a while, Kagura sighed at him impatiently.
"The idea is to pick them now and eat them later. Not eat them all now." She explained to him.
"I know." He answered, stopping his hand halfway to his mouth and reluctantly giving up the berries. "I was just making sure they were all good." He explained as he continued to pick the berries.
"Good job then." She teased. "I don't think very many berries could have escaped your careful scrutiny."
"Feh." He grunted, but she caught him sneaking berries out of the corner of her eye.
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"Ungggghhhh…" Kouga groaned as he attempted to stand, keeling back over only to have Kagura catch him. She rolled her eyes and hitched his weak form up so that she was supporting him against her shoulder.
"I told you to slow down. I knew this would happen. Fool wolf man." She shook her head, helping him stumble over to her futon.
"Hey…you're holdin' me up." He pointed out the painfully obvious as she moved the blanket aside with her foot and lowered him to the little bed. "You're pretty strong."
"And you're pretty stupid." She shook her head at him. "What were you thinking, eating all that! I told you not to, but would you listen to me! And then…I shouldn't have even told you I had rice wine. What a disaster that was."
"It tasted good." His voice was slightly slurred, probably from a combination of fatigue, overeating, and slight drunkenness.
"I'm sure it did, Kouga." Kagura wondered if she should take off his boots, but she suddenly doubted he ever took them off, so she just left them, sweeping the blanket up and over him. "I'm sure it was delicious, and I'm glad you liked it. But you really shouldn't have eaten so much." She told him, her voice soft as she fussed at the back of his head, trying to pull out the tie without hurting him.
"Wait a minute…I can't stay here. Whatcha doin?" he asked as she finally worked his hair free and ran her fingers through it to loosen it up.
"You don't sleep like that." She explained. "And you aren't going anywhere like this. Don't worry. You know I won't do anything to you."
"Feh," he mumbled, blinking wearily. "Ya prob'ly did this on purpose." He pouted.
"Sure I did." She rolled her eyes and let go of his hair, knowing she couldn't really do much more to it. "If you want to think that, go ahead. Forget that I was the one sitting here and telling you to stop eating."
"Kagura," his voice sounded almost lucid for a moment, but when she turned to look at him, he gave her an incredibly dopey grin before closing his eyes and falling asleep in mere moments.
"Stupid man." She sighed, watching over him as he slept. "I suppose I'll give up my bed for tonight. It's the least I can do, isn't it?" He didn't answer, but then, she didn't really expect him to. He was out cold. "I shouldn't have let you drink so much." She admitted. "But even though it means I don't get to sleep in my bed, it's nice to have someone here." She layed back, using her arm as a pillow as she watched the unaware wolf youkai. "Goodnight." And somehow, just saying that to him made her feel warm.
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"Ne? What the—" Kouga cut off as he tried to jump out of the unfamiliar futon but got caught in the thin blanket keeping him warm. Where the hell am I? He wondered silently, but when he inhaled the hut's familiar scent and looked down at the woman sleeping on the ground beside him. That's right, I came here to see…to check on her. Then she made dinner…and it was good…but I don't remember much else…dammit, my head hurts! He groaned slightly and pressed a hand to his forehead as if it would make the pain go away. He wasn't making much noise, but apparently it was enough to wake up Kagura.
"Sleep well?" she teased, a mocking grin teasing at the corners of her mouth.
"You drugged me!" he accused.
"No, you drugged yourself." She laughed at him openly. "With all that wine. Not to mention the fact that you ate far too much."
""S your fault." He pouted.
"Maybe, since I didn't stop you, but really, I don't think it's any more my fault than it is yours. I told you to stop, but you wouldn't listen." Kagura reminded him. He knew she was right, now that he was slowly getting his memory of the night before back.
"You're the one that made the food so good." He accused.
"Oh, sorry, next time I'll be sure to do my worst." She told him sarcastically. There was a long moment of stubborn silence before Kagura sighed slightly. One of them would have to give in here, and it wasn't as though she had a lot of reason to preserve her pride in front of the man who'd seen her crying her eyes out on more than one occasion. "I shouldn't have let you eat that much. And I shouldn't have given you that wine." She admitted grudgingly.
"It's not like you made me do it." Kouga grumbled. Kagura tossed her arms up in the air.
"You know what? That's fine! I don't know what you want me to say here!" Kagura snapped. "I agree with you, and then you get mad at me! What do you want?"
"I…I don't know!" Kouga got up. "Maybe you shouldn't just agree with me all the time. I know you want to argue with me, so why don't you? Why don't you just say I'm wrong?"
"Is that what you want?" Kagura asked, standing as well. "You want me to say you're wrong?"
"Yes…I mean, no!" Kouga sighed in frustration. "I just want you…I don't know…I want you to stop trying so hard to make me like you."
"But…I want you to like me." Kagura admitted, her tone deflated. "I just want to make it all up to you."
"Fuck! You're still on that! Dammit, you're such an idiot." He growled. "I'm leaving!"
"Kouga! No!" Kagura snatched his arm as he moved past her and he stopped. "Please, don't go. I don't know what I did, but I'll try not to do it."
"That's the problem. You shouldn't try to change for me." He shook his head. "You should be who you want to be, not who you think I want you to be."
"I know…it's just…hard." Kagura told him, "I know it's bad, but I'm…I'm working on it, okay? Please don't leave. Not when you're angry. If you do…it'll seem like…maybe you won't come back."
"I'm not…" Kouga stopped from admitting he wasn't angry. "I'll come back."
"Next month?" she asked hopefully.
"Maybe." He told her grudgingly, not wanting to make any promises. "I'm busy, you know."
"I know." She answered, letting go. "I'll wait for you." She spoke as Kouga went out the door as though he couldn't hear her and disappeared into the forest.
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The End (Of Part 3, That Is)