Mwahaha! Only 10 p.m. and alllllll my homework's been done for TWO HOURS!!!! I rock the house! Bay-bee! Okay, enough of me soaking up the wonderful rain of egotistical self-complimenting. It's time for….MORE STORY!!! Yay! And Jade…33 days, 23 hours, and 30 minutes! Woohoo! (okay, I'm way too excited right now.)
*****
Love To Hate You
Part 4
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I'm watching you
Watch over me
And I got
The greatest view from here
Mistakes don't mean a thing
If you don't regret them
Silverchair The Greatest View
"Will you be spending the night, then?" Kagura stood up, smiling brightly at Kouga as he tried to hide his own smile behind a hand raised to his mouth as though he was wiping away the last traces of the meal she'd made him. Every month for the past eight months, he'd come to visit her on the day of the quarter moon. And every time, it was guaranteed that she would spend all day preparing some ridiculous amount of food for him. And ever since he'd passed out and slept at her hut that first time, he'd always spent the night on his visits. He had even stayed for up to three days with her, simply helping her with her chores, learning from her, and teaching her. He'd made her a fire pit three months ago, and he'd been worried she'd get mad about it, as she'd specifically said he didn't need to. But she broke down in tears when she saw it, saying that it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her. He couldn't explain it, but that still made him feel good.
Anyway, it was amusing to watch her now, so eager for him to say "yes" as though she didn't already know that would be the answer. But something was stopping him from answering right away. The way she was with him, how she showered him in generosity, giving what she didn't have in return for something he couldn't name. The way she always gave him the best she had, the choicest portions of the dinner she made, how she slept on the floor next to him as he rested comfortably on her freshly made futon under the only blanket she owned…somehow, although he liked it, it bothered him at the same time. She seemed to want to give him everything, almost as though she could convince him to stay "just a little bit longer" with her great kindness. But she still didn't really seem to care for herself. Kouga realized that even though she had become much happier than before, she still looked mournful every time he left her. She still looked just as hopeless without him there.
She needs me he realized. She needs me…but she needs me too much. She doesn't need herself.
"Kouga?" Kagura's wide red eyes were desperate, filling with tears. It was odd how often she cried these days. He'd never seen her show any real emotions when they'd been enemies, but now… "Kouga, are you staying?"
"Yeah." He realized that his long pause had caused her to worry that he'd leave. What if I had to leave? Would she have cried? Kouga was almost sure she would. He didn't like seeing her cry, but the idea of her crying because she relied on him so much made him feel guilty. I've let her do this. She acts like some adoring servant around me, and now she doesn't know what to do without me. What have I done?
"Alright! Just let me put away the dishes and I'll turn down the blanket for you!" she answered, bouncing to her feet.
"No…you don't have to." He told her, feeling guiltier than before as he watched her take the dishes over to the little tub of water she'd been heating with hot stones as dinner wound down.
"Don't be silly! You're my guest!" Kagura smiled broadly at him, putting the bowls in the sink along with the plates they'd used. Kouga suddenly got an idea, moving to join her.
"Ah…could I help?" he asked, indicating the dishes she was scrubbing clean while she hummed. He liked the way she did that whenever she was busy, making her soft music. Her voice sounded so content and it relaxed him. She beamed up at him, excited to do anything with him, even if it was dishes. She nodded enthusiastically and he joined her, drying the clean dishes with the small cloth she gave him and putting them in their places. Usually, when he felt this sort of guilt, helping her with her chores made it disappear. But when they finished, she scurried over to straighten the bed up just for him, and he felt tightness in his chest.
"Kagura?" he spoke up, wondering how he could make her agree to sleep in her own bed.
"Yes?" she smiled up at him. She never did anything but smile when she looked at him, except when he was leaving. Then she usually looked near tears.
"Kagura…you know…I don't need a bed." He began awkwardly. "I mean, I appreciate it and all, but it's yours. You should sleep in it."
"But…I won't be able to sleep if you're there on the ground." Kagura's eyes widened. Dammit, she's going to cry! Now what? Kouga thought desperately.
"No! Don't cry! I just…it makes me uncomfortable, letting a woman sleep on the ground like that. You could…um…you could get sick or something." He told her, hoping her lip would stop jutting out.
"Well…I don't want you on the ground." She told him, sighing heavily.
"I don't want you there." He added firmly.
"If I had two futons…but I don't have that kind of room." She bit her lip. Suddenly, her eyes lit up, and a blush covered her cheeks. "If…we could…you know, this would work out…if we both slept in the bed."
"Both of us?" Kouga gulped louder than he'd intended.
"I'm sorry!" Kagura covered her face, blushing furiously. "I must sound so stupid! Imagine, the two of us! You don't even know me and…oh, I'm sorry."
"Kagura…it's not like that." Kouga rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. She thought he didn't know him? After all the time they'd spent together? He admitted that he didn't understand her a great portion of the time. But the thing was…he felt very close to her. He knew that she knew a lot about him. And he thought he knew all about her, but now… "I…don't think it's stupid. We do…know each other, don't we?"
"If…you say so." She blushed even deeper. They both stared at the futon silently.
"So." He scratched his head softly, looking at the bed as though it was some puzzle he could not solve.
"So." She smiled shyly at him. "It…um, it won't mean anything, will it?"
"No! Of course not!" he told her emphatically. "I mean…it's just because…I mean, there's only the one blanket and…really, you shouldn't be on the floor."
"And neither should you." She agreed. "So…should we…um…"
"I guess." He bit his lip and waited for her to get into the bed. Unfortunately, she was waiting for him to go first. "You go in first."
"Okay." She agreed, looking determined to prove this was all very easy for her. She offered a weak smile before climbing under the blanket and scooting over as far as she could, looking at him as though she didn't really think he'd join her. Kouga was having his doubts. Somehow, this whole idea made him very nervous.
"You know…that futon is pretty small…maybe I should just…" he indicated the ground, but Kagura sat up, snatching his arm and pulling him forward until he almost fell on top of her.
"No! You said!" she reminded him, looking more determined than ever, though she was still blushing bright red. "You said it wouldn't matter! You said we could just sleep in the bed together!" she told him, her voice wavering only slightly. Looking into her bright red eyes, Kouga knew that when she really wanted something, he couldn't deny her. Not for long. Strange that she should hold such power over him. He kept telling himself he didn't owe her anything, but somehow…time and time again, he ended up giving in to her.
"You're right. It's fine." Kouga nodded, climbing into the blankets gingerly, laying on his side so he took up less space. Even then, with both of them at opposite ends of the futon, they were nearly touching. She blinked at him, her cheeks still tinged pink, and he blinked back at her. Something about this warmth, this closeness suddenly seemed familiar. He remembered the days when he was still a cub, sleeping in his mother's arms. Kagura looked so unsure…maybe if he told her… "Kagura?" he began.
"Y—yes?" she asked, gulping nervously.
"Do you…um…did you ever remember…like, having a mother?" he asked her, feeling stupid already. She'd probably laugh, but at least she wouldn't be looking at him so nervously then.
"No." her eyes clouded over with pain, reminded of her cold past. "I wasn't…I wasn't born like most creatures. I guess the only type of parent I had was Naraku."
"Oh…that's right. I'm sorry. I guess…I forgot." He realized, a bit surprised. How could he forget something like that? Because she's not the Kagura who served Naraku. She's my Kagura, a voice in his mind spoke up. Wait! My Kagura? Where did that come from?
"Why?" she asked him.
"Oh…it's just that, being close like this…it's been a long time since I shared a blanket with anyone. I never…mated or anything." Kouga blushed, feeling like an idiot even more than before. "But when I was just a cub, my mother would let me…I'd sleep in her arms." He waited for her to laugh, feeling the blood flow quickly to his cheeks.
"Really?" she finally spoke up. In the faint moonlight streaming in through her doorway, he could see delight and envy on her features.
"I can barely remember, but it…was nice. I mean, I felt like I was really safe there." He admitted, encouraged by her tone. "It's really…not something I ever talked about, you know. It's kind of embarrassing for a powerful youkai to admit he misses feeling his mother's arms around him." Kouga explained.
"I think it's sweet." Kagura told him. There was a softness to her tone…and somehow, she seemed different than usual. She wasn't trying to indulge him, simply agreeing with everything he said. It had seemed strange at first, but maybe this wasn't a bad idea… "I wish I could have memories like that." She sighed softly.
"I didn't mean to upset you!" Kouga told her. "I just thought…maybe you wouldn't be so nervous if I told you that story."
"Because…you trust me?" she asked unsurely.
"I let you feed me all the time. I sleep with you right next to me. Of course I trust you." He smiled at her. There was a long pause, and she seemed to be considering her words carefully.
"Kouga…no one's ever…I never had a mother…and no one cared about me…" she began, obviously flustered. Kouga suddenly realized what she was getting at.
"Did…you want me to…um…to hold you?" he asked, feeling nervous all over again.
"If you don't want to then…" she stopped as he reached over, his arms going around her waist and her back, pulling them together. There was a long pause.
"I don't mind." He finally told her.
"This…feels nice." She replied. Her face was buried in his chest, and he could feel the heat of her cheeks through the thin cloth he wore under his armor. "You were right. I feel…kind of like nothing can hurt me here." She wrapped her own arms around him, cuddling closer to him. "And it's so warm…I feel…so warm."
"Yeah…warm." Kouga could feel a blush building on his cheeks. She kept wriggling against him and it felt…strange. He was having a hard time thinking about anything but how soft and warm she was.
"Kouga?" she asked. "Is this how it felt with your mother?"
"Um…" he gulped, trying to pull away just a bit but finding he didn't really want to. "Um, not quite."
"Oh." She sounded very disappointed at this. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." He told her, patting her head with a shaky hand as he tried to control his sudden urges to do all kinds of inappropriate things to the pretty youkai woman nestled so trustingly in his arms. "I…like it a lot."
"Really?" she smiled up at him. "I'm glad." There was a long silence. "Kouga?" she finally spoke up.
"Yeah?" he answered, having finally grown used to her closeness.
"Can we sleep like this every night?" she asked, her eyes widening as she looked up at him.
Dammit…those eyes…she does that every time… Kouga knew he didn't have a chance. "Ah, sure." He finally answered before she snuggled back against him and they both fell asleep.
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"Kagura, you know I'll be back here in no time at all!" he pleaded with her to understand. Kagura, who had grown quite accustomed to their sudden closeness, was nestled to his chest, hugging him tightly as though to hold him there.
"It always seems so long to me." She told him, sighing sadly. "I know you have friends…but I'm alone here." She told him, pouting up at him sadly.
"Kagura…you shouldn't depend on me so much." He told her, his voice becoming soft with concern. "What if something happened to me…not that it would…but if it did…then what would you do? You rely on me too much."
"I…I know, you're right." Kagura nodded, pulling away with obvious reluctance. "I'm sorry. I'll…try to do something about it."
"Kagura, you don't have to apologize." He told her, smiling before he turned to leave. "I'll be back soon!"
"I'll be waiting!" she called after him, sounding bravely cheerful.
That woman will be my fucking end
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Over the next few weeks, as he waited for the next quarter moon, Kouga found that he was eager to see Kagura again. Of course, he'd always been eager to taste her interesting food and learn the things only she could teach him without making him feel foolish…but somehow it was different now. He fell asleep missing the feel of her warmth next to him, and feeling guilty for it all the while. He found he missed the way she smiled at him, the gleam in her crimson eyes when she first saw him come to visit her. The way she beamed at him when he helped her do her little chores. The way she whispered inaudibly in her sleep. The way she hugged him tight when he left. The way she made him tea every morning, almost always a different kind until she figured out which flavors he liked best. Even the way she relied on him so blindly, trusting him completely and showering all of her affection on him, the only friend she'd ever had.
And he found himself watching the spring rains and wondering how badly her badly made roof must be leaking. He wondered if she would get sick. What if the creek next to her hut flooded with the rain and washed away her hut? What if some wild youkai came into her hut while she slept? What if a demon exterminator found her? What if she had an accident, climbing all over the hills finding food for her stores? What if no one was there to help her and an animal found her? What if she needed him and he wasn't there for her?
This is stupid! He thought more than once. But then, she is all alone…it could happen. And then he'd go back to worrying and missing her. By the time it was the day of the quarter moon, Kouga had made a decision.
She needs me, and I can't always be there for her. He repeated the thoughts as he bounded eagerly toward her familiar hut. It's not safe for her, out there all alone. I'll just have her come to live with the wolf tribe. I'm sure no one remembers her! He told himself, excited at the prospect of having her familiar presence nearby where he could always see her, could always protect her. And in no time, he was there, slowing to a stop as he came into the clearing. But this time…for the first time in a long time, she didn't come running out to greet him. He couldn't smell the scent of food she was preparing in preparation of his arrival. But he knew she was here. And he could sense something about her…she was…happy? Without him there, she was happy? But how? Maybe…since he would be coming that day?
Kouga was confused but still excited to see her as he entered the hut where he could smell her. And there she stood, dancing about and humming as she stroked the throat of a crow who stood on her arm, a dressing wrapped neatly around his left wing. At his entrance, she started, causing the crow to squawk in surprise. She smiled at him, but somehow…somehow it wasn't as excited as usual.
"Oh! Kouga! You're here!" she sounded surprised, but still pleased. "I completely fogot that it was that day…" she realized, blushing apologetically. "I'm afraid I wasn't ready for you…you see, Yachou here has kept me so preoccupied…"
"Yachou?" Kouga looked at the crow unsurely. "The bird? Is that what we're eating for dinner…cause it's a bit fresh…"
"What!?" Kagura squealed, and Yachou squawked several times. Kouga was almost sure that damn bird was glaring at him. "Yachou? Dinner? No! Of course not! He's my pet!"
"Your…pet?" Kouga was beginning to like this bird less and less.
"Yes!" Kagura sounded happy again as she turned back toward Yachou, stroking his throat again and kissing his head lightly. Kouga felt a twinge of jealousy, but pushed it aside roughly. "I found him only two days after you left!" she told him, still staring lovingly at the bird as though Kouga wasn't even there. "He was just outside the clearing, looking lost and alone…something had hurt his wing, you see. He was helpless, with no one to take care of him but himself." Here she smiled broadly at the extremely smug looking crow. "Just like me. So I thought…maybe if we were together we could help each other. He's very smart, and he's good company. I was afraid he'd attack me and just stay wild…but he seems so tame. It must be destiny that brought us together." She sighed happily. Suddenly, Kouga wondered what crow tasted like. He'd heard it was disgusting, but somehow, he had a feeling he'd like to try it…
"Sounds great." He told her impassively. "So…then do you want me to make dinner?" he'd been kidding, thinking she'd see how silly this situation was and come back to her senses, but that's not what happened at all.
"Oh, would you?" Kagura offered him a winning smile. "That'd be very helpful." She turned back to Yachou as he stood there, dumbfounded. She began to sing to him softly, dancing again. Fucking bird… he growled before stomping out of the hut. What am I so upset about? I always thought she did too much. He reminded himself. But somehow, when he'd hoped for her to be less dependent, he hadn't pictured it like this. She's practically fucking ignoring me! He growled as he hunted for something small enough for the two of them to eat. Bet we could split that damn bird just fine, he grinned maliciously.
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Kouga couldn't help but grumble as he lay on the ground to sleep that night. She hadn't even asked him to stay. When he made to join her in the bed, sure that at least if he had to watch her feeding the best bits of his dinner to that damn piece of shit bird, he'd at least still get to sleep next to her, she'd shooed him away.
"Yachou sleeps up here too." She'd explained. "His wing is hurt, you know. And there's not enough room for all of us."
Damn that bird! Kouga snarled as he heard her humming to Yachou sweetly. She'd never sung to him. He pouted as he laid on the ground, feeling very cold. It wasn't just the air, but he had missed her for so long, and now, it seemed that Kagura was no longer solely his. She seemed to care only for Yachou now. I wonder if she'd notice if I strangled that damn thing. He wondered, the thought making him smile as he drifted into an uneasy sleep. It didn't feel right, sleeping so close to her, and yet so far.
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The End (Of Part 4, That Is)