I got a shot today, and I have a bandaid, and the nurse gave me a lollipop! Super score on that action! Okay, and you don't know how pleased I was to read that Calendar gets so much entertainment from my stupid pointless jabbering! Wow, and here I was thinking that no one even wanted to read about me going on about how great naked Kouga cave loving was! Okay…and I just want you all to know that I have hot manga Suzaku Seishi staring at me, and it's really hard to concentrate on things, but I'll do my best! And imouto-chan, thanks for giving me your poem for this chapter! You rock the house!
*****
Love To Hate You
Part 7
*****
In the darkness full of mistrust
What did we see last night?
Was it some never-failing light?
Will you love me tomorrow?
Can we forget our sorrow?
Do you think it was meaningless?
It wasn't the same after your kiss
Was it all wishful thinking?
All my hopes are shrinking
Don't forget how you held my hand
Leave me now and I might never understand
Will you love me tomorrow?
Can we forget our sorrow?
Do you think it was meaningless?
It wasn't the same after your kiss
Warm embraces I won't forget
Something that resembled the love I could not get
Did you just pity my tears?
Or were you ready to let go of fear?
Will you love me tomorrow?
Jade Will You Love Me Tomorrow
Kouga had been awake for some time now, just watching Kagura sleep in his arms. Sometimes, when we argue about stupid, I forget that she's a woman. But here…right now. She's so right. He let out a long breath, smoothing his hand over her delicate waist. She seems…so harmless here. It's like…she trusts me completely. I guess that only makes sense, when I think about it. She's…my mate now.
The realization brought a smile to his face, and he lifted a hand to run his fingers through her hair. Mates…that's right. Now she can come to live with me and the rest of the tribe. She'll be safe there, and every night, we'll be together…Kouga leaned his head down to kiss her head firmly, not knowing how else to show his feelings to the sleeping woman wrapped up in his embrace. It was amazing how things could change, how people could end up somewhere completely different than where they started. The two of them…when he first saw her again after Naraku's death, he'd been ready to kill her…he almost did, but something had stopped him. Her eyes, maybe, or the shock of seeing her cry like that. He couldn't name what force had stopped him from taking her life, but he'd never have guessed then that they'd end up mated. It would have seemed so ridiculous to me then. I wasn't the only wolf out for her neck…I mean, she'd never last a day in the clan if I… Kouga's eyes went wide in panic and sudden realization. Wait…that's right! I'm not the only wolf youkai who wanted her dead. If she was my mate…she'd have protection…but I can't be there all the time…something would happen, I know. She might…be taken away from me…
This prospect seemed all too likely to Kouga. It was true that as his mate, no one would dare to touch her while he was around. But the wolf youkai weren't nearly as respectful of his station as they should be. Sometimes it seemed as though the only reason they followed him was because none of them were stronger than him. But what if…what if something happened and everything changed? It was a prospect that had never worried Kouga before, but if he had a mate…or even a child…what would happen to them if someone managed to take over his position at the head of the clan? Knowing that the tribe must hate Kagura as he had hated her once, she'd likely fall to their claws as soon as his back was turned, even if he was still their leader. And if they were to have a child, it would likely die with her. Though he doubted she'd survive pregnancy. Once they saw that she was with child, they'd be more tempted than ever to rid themselves of the woman who had killed so many of their friends. They didn't know her like he did. They'd never believe how she had changed, that she wasn't the Kagura who had wreaked havoc on their clan years ago.
I can't let them kill her…but if we're mates…if I simply leave the tribe, something could happen to them, and then I'd be responsible…there's nothing to do. No way to have them both, is there? Kouga tightened his arms around her, kissing her cheeks, her eyelids, her forehead. She's mine…but if I want everyone to be happy…I have to do this. It's the only way she'll be safe. Kouga pressed his mouth to hers, wanting one last kiss, which she responded to even in her somnolent state. I'm sorry, mate. He apologized in his mind, looking down at her sadly. I wasn't lying when I was with you, when I said that I wanted this too…I still want it. But I want you to be safe. And if you're to be safe…we can't be… Kouga couldn't even finish the thought, pulling away from her reluctantly and hissing as the cold air hit his skin. He moved quickly to get dressed in his now dry clothing.
Kagura wasn't awake yet, though she had stirred and frowned slightly when he left the blanket. Sighing deeply, he lifted her robes and set them softly next to her for when she woke up. And then he sat down, simply watching her sleep. She can't be mine…but for a little longer…just a little longer, I can pretend. He sighed slightly as he watched her in the dark cave. She didn't sleep for too long, and to him, the illusion of happiness died all too quickly as she mumbled his name and flapped an arm around, looking for a warm body that was no longer there. Kouga couldn't bear to watch her any longer, so he stood and left the cave. Outside, the snow had stopped falling, but it still covered the ground in a thick blanket. It wasn't a problem though. Following the now-visible sun, he'd be able to find the way back easily enough through the forest. That would be the best way.
"Kouga," Kagura's arms slipped around his waist, and he had to fight to control his raging emotions. This was going to be more difficult than he thought. "Why'd you leave me all alone? It was cold." She pouted, resting her face on his back and sighing happily. Kouga struggled to make his voice steady and neutral.
"Stop that, we have to get going." He told her. His voice wasn't as firm as he could have wished, but it was enough to get the point across. She pulled away slightly, craning over to look at his face suspiciously.
"Okay then, let's go." She set out ahead of him and looked at the sun, judging the time and it's direction before she reached into her hair for a feather. "You coming?" she asked him, smiling shyly.
"I'll meet you there…I've got some things to do." Kouga lied, waving her ahead with the most reassuring smile he could manage. It seemed she really did trust him, as she shrugged and looked a bit disappointed but didn't argue, throwing up her feather and leaping up and into it as it flew higher into the sky. He nodded at the disappearing shape. It was better this way. If she saw him…it would just be more difficult. He watched the sky a few more moments before heading back to his clan.
Goodbye Kagura, my mate.
----------
"Where could he be?" Kagura asked her crow, who had been waiting for her faithfully when she returned to her hut. She'd been ecstatic to see Yachou still alive, and she'd told him all about the night her and Kouga had shared while cleaning up the storm damaged shelter busily. It had been very happy work, waiting for Kouga's delayed arrival, but after everything was clean and dinner was made, he still hadn't returned. She had thought perhaps he'd been going to check on his people. After all, he was their leader and he likely was worried about how the storm had affected them. But he didn't come back the next day. Or the rest of the week. It had been a month now, and the weather was constantly nasty. Kagura was glad she'd stored all that food, but not being able to go out all day just made her sit and think about Kouga. That wasn't something that she needed.
"Yachou, I don't know about that man…" Kagura told Yachou, who stood next to her head as she lay miserable under her blanket, missing Kouga. "I don't know…when I'll see him again. Maybe he just wanted to use me all along." She suggested, standing and walking to the door to look for his return. It was futile, and she knew it, but she stood there anyway, waiting faithfully. "I…thought that when youkai like him…I thought they mated for life, but I guess I don't know much about life, do I Yachou?"
Yachou didn't answer, but she knew he couldn't. No matter how she cared about him, he was only a bird. He could never take the place of her dear Kouga. As sad thoughts drifted through her mind, it began to snow. Kagura didn't mind though. The weather fit her mood.
----------
She was coming out of the hut. Kouga straightened in his perch outside the clearing, hidden from view as he watched her scoop some of the snow up into her cauldron and take it back inside. She'll be making something good for dinner…it's been so long since I've tasted her food…since I've tasted her. Kouga sighed aloud at the thought. It had been well over two months since that fateful night when she'd last seen him. He'd not had the courage to face her, but he couldn't help but worry more than ever about how she was faring in the long, cruel winter. She seemed to be getting on well enough. He visited every week, sometimes more often, sitting and watching her all day. A few nights, he'd even gone into her hut at night, watching her sleep for some time before kissing her temple and leaving before she could know he was there. It had been nearly a month since he'd been so close to her, and he thought that tonight, he'd wait for it once more. He'd savor what little he could have from her, the woman who, in his heart, was still his mate even though he'd never fully marked her. He'd never lived with her, and he'd never given her a child, but it was all the same to him. She was his love, his heart, his one mate, now and forever. Perhaps in time, she'd find someone else, and though it would hurt him beyond belief, he wouldn't deny her the happiness she might find in another.
Kouga dwelled on thoughts of her as the sun slowly set. He sat and waited patiently even after then, watching as stars appeared in the crystal clear sky. He watched the constellations shining in the sky until he knew the time was right. Leaping out of his tree, he crept to her hut silently, making a soft noise of comfort when Yachou noticed him. The crow made a slight noise of disapproval, but he moved from Kagura's side so that Kouga and her could be alone. The crow seemed to know what was going on here, and it made Kouga feel guilty, knowing that Yachou probably had to deal with Kagura's sadness all on his own.
Kagura… She smelled so sweet, so warm. He wanted to climb under her blanket and simply give in to his feelings. She was his mate, and he wanted to be there for her, but he couldn't. It just wasn't safe. He bent low, inhaling her scent deeply. It was different than it had been a month ago…in fact, it had been odd every time he visited her. It wasn't a bad smell. In fact, it was very relaxing, but it wasn't something he was used to sensing in her unique aroma. It was something familiar…something he'd smelled before, he knew, but not on her. In the blend of her own intoxicating scent, it was hard to discern what it could be. Lowering his head further, Kouga rested on her stomach, watching her chest rise and fall as she slept. And then he heard something very odd. Something that almost made him yelp in surprise. Either Kagura was having some stomach problems he didn't understand…or something was…inside her? What could it be? Panic lit his eyes as he pictured a crow demon burrowing it's way inside her. But no…Yachou wouldn't be nearly so calm if his mistress were dead. And besides she was breathing. And then it hit him.
He made the connection. The noises inside her. The tiredness he'd seen in her eyes earlier, but had dismissed as normal fatigue. And of course, that smell. How stupid was he! Kagura…she was pregnant. But how!? Kouga immediately dismissed that question as utterly stupid. He knew how she had become pregnant. Obviously, there weren't a lot of ways that such an event could occur. But…did that mean?… Is it mine? All this time, she carried my child, and I did nothing but hide from her. What the hell is wrong with me? This is my responsibility!
But he had no more time to silently berate his own stupidity as she suddenly moved, pulling a small knife from under her pillow and putting it to his throat before she saw who it was she was about to kill. "What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice disturbed.
"I came…to see you." He told her. No use lying now. He was caught. And now…with her in this condition, he couldn't leave her. He couldn't. If it meant choosing between the tribe and her, he'd just have to go back, appoint a new leader, and come stay with her for good. It was pointless trying to stay away from her. She was a part of him. And his child…it was inside of her.
"Leave." She finally replied. "I don't want you here." She hissed at him angrily.
"But…Kagura," he grabbed her arm so that she'd stop slapping his chest. "I know…about the child."
"So you decided you had to come back then?" she asked.
"Yes." He answered. "I couldn't turn my back on you."
"Funny, that's what you've been doing for the past three months!" Kagura yelled at him, pulling at her arm, but he had a firm grip on it. "Where the hell were you then?"
"I…had some things to do." Kouga told her lamely.
"Oh, and so you're done then?" She asked, looking extremely skeptical about this story. "And you decided to drop by and see me?"
"Kagura…you aren't being fair…" Kouga attempted to calm her, but she just got more upset at his words.
"I'm not being fair? I'm not being fair?!" she yelled, her face scarlet with rage. "You're the one who…who…used me and then…you lied! You said you'd be right behind me! You bastard! You left me alone! You promised…" Kagura was getting very emotional, and Kouga was afraid she was going to start crying. In fact, tears were welling in her eyes. "You promised…I'd never have to be alone…and you lied. You left me."
"Kagura…I'm sorry. It was stupid, but I thought that…" Kouga began.
"I don't care what you thought! I was alone! You left me alone, you lying asshole!" Kagura slapped his chest again, finally pulling her hand away and crossing her arms.
"Kagura, I'm sorry it took me so long to see it…but I did come back." He attempted again. "I…you're pregnant, and it's my child too!"
"Who said it's yours! You don't know what I do!" she glared at him.
"It's mine." His voice was low and dangerous, and Kagura decided that might not be the safest way to taunt him. "You're my mate."
"If I'm your mate, then why have I had to live alone these past months?" she asked.
"Because…just because." Kouga stood up. "I…I have one last thing to do, and then I can always stay with you."
"Whatever." She snorted.
"I'll come back." He told her, waiting for her reply, but there was none. He ran off into the night.
----------
Kagura washed her face with the freshly heated water, stripping down to her under robe to clean her body in the warm water. There was no way she was going to bathe in the freezing cold stream. It couldn't possibly be good for the baby. Yachou, who always guarded the door when she was busy inside, suddenly squawked to warn of someone's arrival, and Kagura turned just as Kouga entered the hut.
"Dammit! Get out of here! I'm bathing!" she threw one of her cooking stones at his head and felt satisfied when she heard him yelp in pain and bolt back out the door. "What the hell are you doing here again?" she asked irritably, cleaning her arms.
"I said I'd come back." He told her from outside the hut. He sounded a bit angry, but then, she had just pelted him in the head with a rock, so that was understandable. "I came back."
"Well that's a surprise." Kagura spoke in a biting tone. "You said you'd come back and you actually did? Must be something special to bring you back here."
"You have something that belongs to me." He answered grudgingly.
"What's that?" she asked, finishing with her body and drying off with a small cloth she kept for the purpose.
"My…um…you're my mate." He stumbled. Strange, it was almost as though he'd been about to say something else. She wondered why he'd changed his answer, but didn't bother to ask.
"You can come in now." She told him after pulling her outer robes back on and tying them neatly. He entered the hut just to be handed the cauldron of warm water. "Go dump this out." She ordered. Kouga made a highly indignant face, but followed her instructions. When he came back inside, she was climbing into her futon.
"How are you tired so early?" he asked roughly, obviously still upset.
"I'm pregnant, you insensitive ass. I need my rest." She sniffed at him incredulously before turning her back to him to go to sleep. Kouga didn't mind though. He simply sat there and watched her as she slowly fell asleep.
"Dammit, if she's gonna be mean to me…I might as well get some compensation." Kouga justified his actions as he climbed into the futon behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist possessively. "You're mine now, Kagura. And I'm…" before he finished, he closed his eyes and fell asleep against her. After all, he'd been running around all night, appointing a "temporary" leader to the clan who refused to take full title. He doubted he'd ever come back though. Kagura wouldn't ever want to. She didn't even seem to want him there…but when he kissed her temple, she seemed to smile. Just a small bit, but it was there.
*****
The End (Of Part 7 That Is)