Okay, if I was Kagura, I'd be pissed and all right now, but really, come
on. How long can she stand up to the awesome power of Kouga's hotness? I
guess we'll see. But if I was her, I'd probably lose all sense of resolve
after like…oh, a good ten minutes. Yeah. I mean, you've seen Kouga,
right? He's damn hot! But…I guess Jade's claimed him, so I'll just watch
from afar and admire his power to be soooo hot!
*****
Love To Hate You
Part 8
*****
My present situation makes me think too much, too much
It all revolves around you
This life that I'm living means nothing without you
I'd shed my skin for you
What would you want me to do?
I will always love you, but I can't live like this
This problem here is my fault
It's not that I don't care but I'm so lost
Adema Skin
"Stupid bitch." Kouga grumbled as he lashed fresh thatch on top of Kagura's roof. He'd been with her almost a month now, and she still refused to say five words to him, unless she was criticizing him or ordering him around like some servant. Ever since that first day, he'd not made any attempt to be affectionate with her. When she woke from her nap to find him at her side, she'd been furious. She called him names he'd never even heard before, throwing every hard object she had at him as she cursed. Then she'd grown tired and burst into tears, and since he was too afraid to try to hug her, she yelled at him again and made him sleep outside that night.
It was unbearable, how she treated him like some lowly creature, here only to serve her. Every day, he had to prepare all the meals, and she invariably found something wrong with his cooking no matter how hard he tried to please her. Every day, she had him working at a dozen tasks, half of which were terribly pointless. She'd had him make a broom, and then forced him to sweep her dirt floor before and after every meal. Every task she set him to do, though, she was never satisfied with his work. She'd order him to do something only so she could then tell him how horribly he'd done. And though it caused him no end of grief and he pouted and called her names when she wasn't there, Kouga did follow every one of her orders. He owed her, and he knew it. What he'd done…how he'd left her…she couldn't forgive him so easily, and secretly, it made him love her all the more to see how proud and strong she was.
And yet…at night, he couldn't help but hope that as he placed the broom in it's place, she'd tell him that he could share her blanket. Every evening, his hopes rose that perhaps she'd finally forgive him, but every night, she went to bed alone, having him sleep on the floor. And every morning she woke up after him, but always early enough to complain about how he was too lazy to have finished making breakfast yet. She cursed and snapped at him every chance she got, but he secretly craved her attention, even if it wasn't the exact type of attention he wanted. It was something. And he craved it almost as much as he craved those moments he "accidentally" would brush by her, close enough so that their skin touched. Every time he did it, she shot him a glare that told him how unwelcome even that much attention was, but he didn't mind. It was all he had. She was all he had.
But sometimes…sometimes she was a completely different person. She'd be in the middle of her dinner, and suddenly, she'd burst into tears. He had learned at this point that he was expected to offer her ample comfort at these times, even though, as far as he could see, she had no real reason to start crying like that. He remembered someone once telling him that when youkai women were pregnant, they acted strangely, but as far as he could tell, that was an understatement. One minute, she was telling him how he'd put too much broth in his stew, and the next she was bawling pitifully, curled up against his chest.
She was a difficult woman to understand, but she was his woman. Just as he was hers.
-----------
"What the hell is this?" Kagura picked at the chicken he'd roasted for dinner. "Look how dry the meat is! You didn't keep it wet enough, you idiot. You can't do anything right, can you?"
"I guess not." Kouga answered sullenly, pouting over his own portion of the meal.
"How am I supposed to eat this?" she complained after swallowing a mouthful. "You used too much pepper again! It's disgusting."
"You don't have to eat it." He told her, still sullen.
"There's no excuse for this! I've shown you how to do it right, and you simply can't remember." Kagura complained, eating anyway. "What do you need to learn to do it right?"
"Maybe I need you." Kouga said, but at her vicious glare he added, "To show me again…that is."
"Why do I even keep you around?" Kagura asked him, looking at the ceiling in annoyance. "You can't do anything at all helpful."
"I won't leave." He told her, his voice firm.
"Sure." She snorted. "What's keeping you here?"
"You have something of mine." He told her, finishing off his dinner and moving to wash the plate he'd used.
"Yeah, sure, I'm your mate, aren't I? I belong to you, huh?" she teased him.
"You are, and yes, you do belong to me." He told her as he dried the plate and put it away, not returning to his seat but heading for the door. "But that's not what it is." He told her.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asked him, a bit taken aback by his calm tone and his words.
"Do you care?" he asked, his voice bitter as he turned pained blue eyes on her. "Don't worry, I'll be back to wash your dishes for you, princess."
"Huh, if I'm a princess, where's my castle?" she called after him mockingly, but he didn't answer. He headed toward the back of the hut and walked a short way before laying down with his hands behind his head as he stared up at the stars sparkling in the night sky. He lifted a hand, looking at his palm and then turned it over, noting his claws before dropping the hand on his stomach.
"What was that all about?" Kagura's voice, for once, was soft and unsure. "Worried about your princey little fingers getting dirty?"
"No." he answered back, not even turning to look at her. There was a long pause.
"Well…aren't you gonna tell me what you were doing?" she asked, curiosity evident in her voice.
"Why should I?" he asked, but his voice wasn't cold. Just…very tired.
"Why…shouldn't you?" she wanted to know, kneeling beside him.
"Because…it doesn't bother me when you tear me apart every day. But there are some things…some things I want to keep safe for myself." Kouga answered in a thoughtful tone, blinking up at the stars. Kagura huffed slightly, deciding to tease him for not talking to her.
"Oh, how mysterious." She mocked him. "You know, I don't really care about your little secrets, and I'm not going to forgive you just because you're trying to be all deep." She informed him.
"Some days…I don't think you ever will forgive me." He told her as she stood up. It stopped her in her tracks.
"Then why do you stay?" she asked. "If you know that I'll never forgive you for treating me like that, why do you stay?"
"You have something of mine." He told her, closing his eyes and smiling slightly.
"Idiot." She stormed back to the hut, trying not to dwell on his words and what they might mean.
----------
"Make sure to sweep all of the floor. Don't try to skip bits because you're lazy." Kagura spoke up from where she lay on her futon, watching Kouga sweep the floor while grumbling under his breath.
"Yeah, yeah." He said sullenly.
"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if your tribe could see you now?" Kagura suddenly giggled. "I mean, think of it, their leader, following after some woman and doing everything she says. Pretty entertaining, huh?" She was being mean, she knew, but she was still mad about that night a few weeks ago when he refused to tell her whatever secret it was that he'd been thinking about.
"I'm not their leader. Not really." He answered, tiredly sweeping the debris out the door.
"What do you mean? I thought you were the great prince of the wolf youkai or something silly like that." Kagura continued to tease him as he put his broom back in it's place.
"I am the prince." He answered, moving to the spot on the floor where he always slept. "But I gave it up."
"Gave it up?" Kagura snorted. "Can you do that?"
"I did it, didn't I?" he asked her.
"But why would you?" she wanted to know.
"Because…I found something more important to me." He answered, not bothering to elaborate.
"You mean…" Kagura suddenly felt guilty. Somehow, she'd not felt guilty all this time, but now that she really looked at the situation, she realized that perhaps…perhaps she was a bit harsh to him sometimes. "For me?"
"You have something of mine." Kouga confirmed. Kagura furrowed her brow, refusing to ask what it was that he kept insisting that she had.
"Sure I do." Kagura grumbled, pulling her blanket snugly under her chin to avoid a cool breeze that went through the hut. She noticed that Kouga didn't have a blanket, and for an instant she wondered if perhaps he was cold. Only serves him right. "Kouga?" she asked, trying her hardest to keep her voice cold. But it was hard to manage when he was staring at her with those bright blue eyes of his.
"Yeah?" he answered, sounding a bit resigned. He probably thinks I'm going to send him to do a chore. That's all I ever do, it seems.
"What…you know how you were gone?" she asked. "What made you come back?"
"I need you." He answered, his voice shaking slightly with emotion. "I couldn't stand to just watch over you. I had to be with you."
"Well isn't that just the sweetest…wait a second…what do you mean?" she asked.
"What?" Kouga suddenly looked a bit nervous. Obviously he'd let something slip that he hadn't intended to tell her. Since when did the wolf youkai have so many secrets?
"You said…you said you were watching over me. What do you mean by that?" Kagura demanded. Kouga didn't respond for a long time, and she thought that maybe, like so many other things, he'd simply refuse to tell her. It wasn't surprising, as it was really his only way to control his life these days.
"I did." He finally told her. "Do you really think I just…left you?"
"Yes, of course I thought that!" she yelled at him, upset that he'd let her believe some lie. "I didn't see you for three months. What was I supposed to think?"
"That I was a coward." He answered. "That I loved you, but that there was something that made me afraid of being your mate."
"You? Afraid? Of what?" Kagura asked incredulously.
"Of losing you." He answered simply.
"You thought…I would leave you?" Kagura laughed at this thought, though a bit nervously. "Didn't you stop to think that I loved you?"
Kouga winced at her use of the past tense. "No, that's not what I mean." Kouga told her. "I was afraid that…you might be hurt, since I'm not…you know, the only wolf youkai. If I took you back, then I would be risking you. And I just…I couldn't do it. And then, if I left the tribe…something could happen. And then it would be my fault. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I could try to take care of you both."
"How?" Kagura asked.
"I was still leader of the wolf tribe, but about half the time, I was gone." Kouga explained a bit sheepishly. "I was…I came here. I watched you. I thought that this way…it would be enough."
"Enough for you?" Kagura asked bitterly. "You got to see me, but I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought…I'd have your child…and I was sure it would look…so much like you…" Kouga realized that Kagura was crying now, speaking in gulping sobs. "I'd see it everyday, and…I'd always have to…remember how you promised…promised I'd never be alone…and you left me."
"Kagura…I'm sorry." Kouga told her, his eyes genuine.
"It isn't enough." She told him. "I don't know how I can forgive you."
"I don't know either. I've tried my hardest, but I guess you won't ever forget." Kouga sighed, closing his eyes to go to sleep.
"Maybe…someday." Kagura murmured as she too drifted to sleep.
*****
The End (Of Part 8 That Is)
*****
Love To Hate You
Part 8
*****
My present situation makes me think too much, too much
It all revolves around you
This life that I'm living means nothing without you
I'd shed my skin for you
What would you want me to do?
I will always love you, but I can't live like this
This problem here is my fault
It's not that I don't care but I'm so lost
Adema Skin
"Stupid bitch." Kouga grumbled as he lashed fresh thatch on top of Kagura's roof. He'd been with her almost a month now, and she still refused to say five words to him, unless she was criticizing him or ordering him around like some servant. Ever since that first day, he'd not made any attempt to be affectionate with her. When she woke from her nap to find him at her side, she'd been furious. She called him names he'd never even heard before, throwing every hard object she had at him as she cursed. Then she'd grown tired and burst into tears, and since he was too afraid to try to hug her, she yelled at him again and made him sleep outside that night.
It was unbearable, how she treated him like some lowly creature, here only to serve her. Every day, he had to prepare all the meals, and she invariably found something wrong with his cooking no matter how hard he tried to please her. Every day, she had him working at a dozen tasks, half of which were terribly pointless. She'd had him make a broom, and then forced him to sweep her dirt floor before and after every meal. Every task she set him to do, though, she was never satisfied with his work. She'd order him to do something only so she could then tell him how horribly he'd done. And though it caused him no end of grief and he pouted and called her names when she wasn't there, Kouga did follow every one of her orders. He owed her, and he knew it. What he'd done…how he'd left her…she couldn't forgive him so easily, and secretly, it made him love her all the more to see how proud and strong she was.
And yet…at night, he couldn't help but hope that as he placed the broom in it's place, she'd tell him that he could share her blanket. Every evening, his hopes rose that perhaps she'd finally forgive him, but every night, she went to bed alone, having him sleep on the floor. And every morning she woke up after him, but always early enough to complain about how he was too lazy to have finished making breakfast yet. She cursed and snapped at him every chance she got, but he secretly craved her attention, even if it wasn't the exact type of attention he wanted. It was something. And he craved it almost as much as he craved those moments he "accidentally" would brush by her, close enough so that their skin touched. Every time he did it, she shot him a glare that told him how unwelcome even that much attention was, but he didn't mind. It was all he had. She was all he had.
But sometimes…sometimes she was a completely different person. She'd be in the middle of her dinner, and suddenly, she'd burst into tears. He had learned at this point that he was expected to offer her ample comfort at these times, even though, as far as he could see, she had no real reason to start crying like that. He remembered someone once telling him that when youkai women were pregnant, they acted strangely, but as far as he could tell, that was an understatement. One minute, she was telling him how he'd put too much broth in his stew, and the next she was bawling pitifully, curled up against his chest.
She was a difficult woman to understand, but she was his woman. Just as he was hers.
-----------
"What the hell is this?" Kagura picked at the chicken he'd roasted for dinner. "Look how dry the meat is! You didn't keep it wet enough, you idiot. You can't do anything right, can you?"
"I guess not." Kouga answered sullenly, pouting over his own portion of the meal.
"How am I supposed to eat this?" she complained after swallowing a mouthful. "You used too much pepper again! It's disgusting."
"You don't have to eat it." He told her, still sullen.
"There's no excuse for this! I've shown you how to do it right, and you simply can't remember." Kagura complained, eating anyway. "What do you need to learn to do it right?"
"Maybe I need you." Kouga said, but at her vicious glare he added, "To show me again…that is."
"Why do I even keep you around?" Kagura asked him, looking at the ceiling in annoyance. "You can't do anything at all helpful."
"I won't leave." He told her, his voice firm.
"Sure." She snorted. "What's keeping you here?"
"You have something of mine." He told her, finishing off his dinner and moving to wash the plate he'd used.
"Yeah, sure, I'm your mate, aren't I? I belong to you, huh?" she teased him.
"You are, and yes, you do belong to me." He told her as he dried the plate and put it away, not returning to his seat but heading for the door. "But that's not what it is." He told her.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asked him, a bit taken aback by his calm tone and his words.
"Do you care?" he asked, his voice bitter as he turned pained blue eyes on her. "Don't worry, I'll be back to wash your dishes for you, princess."
"Huh, if I'm a princess, where's my castle?" she called after him mockingly, but he didn't answer. He headed toward the back of the hut and walked a short way before laying down with his hands behind his head as he stared up at the stars sparkling in the night sky. He lifted a hand, looking at his palm and then turned it over, noting his claws before dropping the hand on his stomach.
"What was that all about?" Kagura's voice, for once, was soft and unsure. "Worried about your princey little fingers getting dirty?"
"No." he answered back, not even turning to look at her. There was a long pause.
"Well…aren't you gonna tell me what you were doing?" she asked, curiosity evident in her voice.
"Why should I?" he asked, but his voice wasn't cold. Just…very tired.
"Why…shouldn't you?" she wanted to know, kneeling beside him.
"Because…it doesn't bother me when you tear me apart every day. But there are some things…some things I want to keep safe for myself." Kouga answered in a thoughtful tone, blinking up at the stars. Kagura huffed slightly, deciding to tease him for not talking to her.
"Oh, how mysterious." She mocked him. "You know, I don't really care about your little secrets, and I'm not going to forgive you just because you're trying to be all deep." She informed him.
"Some days…I don't think you ever will forgive me." He told her as she stood up. It stopped her in her tracks.
"Then why do you stay?" she asked. "If you know that I'll never forgive you for treating me like that, why do you stay?"
"You have something of mine." He told her, closing his eyes and smiling slightly.
"Idiot." She stormed back to the hut, trying not to dwell on his words and what they might mean.
----------
"Make sure to sweep all of the floor. Don't try to skip bits because you're lazy." Kagura spoke up from where she lay on her futon, watching Kouga sweep the floor while grumbling under his breath.
"Yeah, yeah." He said sullenly.
"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if your tribe could see you now?" Kagura suddenly giggled. "I mean, think of it, their leader, following after some woman and doing everything she says. Pretty entertaining, huh?" She was being mean, she knew, but she was still mad about that night a few weeks ago when he refused to tell her whatever secret it was that he'd been thinking about.
"I'm not their leader. Not really." He answered, tiredly sweeping the debris out the door.
"What do you mean? I thought you were the great prince of the wolf youkai or something silly like that." Kagura continued to tease him as he put his broom back in it's place.
"I am the prince." He answered, moving to the spot on the floor where he always slept. "But I gave it up."
"Gave it up?" Kagura snorted. "Can you do that?"
"I did it, didn't I?" he asked her.
"But why would you?" she wanted to know.
"Because…I found something more important to me." He answered, not bothering to elaborate.
"You mean…" Kagura suddenly felt guilty. Somehow, she'd not felt guilty all this time, but now that she really looked at the situation, she realized that perhaps…perhaps she was a bit harsh to him sometimes. "For me?"
"You have something of mine." Kouga confirmed. Kagura furrowed her brow, refusing to ask what it was that he kept insisting that she had.
"Sure I do." Kagura grumbled, pulling her blanket snugly under her chin to avoid a cool breeze that went through the hut. She noticed that Kouga didn't have a blanket, and for an instant she wondered if perhaps he was cold. Only serves him right. "Kouga?" she asked, trying her hardest to keep her voice cold. But it was hard to manage when he was staring at her with those bright blue eyes of his.
"Yeah?" he answered, sounding a bit resigned. He probably thinks I'm going to send him to do a chore. That's all I ever do, it seems.
"What…you know how you were gone?" she asked. "What made you come back?"
"I need you." He answered, his voice shaking slightly with emotion. "I couldn't stand to just watch over you. I had to be with you."
"Well isn't that just the sweetest…wait a second…what do you mean?" she asked.
"What?" Kouga suddenly looked a bit nervous. Obviously he'd let something slip that he hadn't intended to tell her. Since when did the wolf youkai have so many secrets?
"You said…you said you were watching over me. What do you mean by that?" Kagura demanded. Kouga didn't respond for a long time, and she thought that maybe, like so many other things, he'd simply refuse to tell her. It wasn't surprising, as it was really his only way to control his life these days.
"I did." He finally told her. "Do you really think I just…left you?"
"Yes, of course I thought that!" she yelled at him, upset that he'd let her believe some lie. "I didn't see you for three months. What was I supposed to think?"
"That I was a coward." He answered. "That I loved you, but that there was something that made me afraid of being your mate."
"You? Afraid? Of what?" Kagura asked incredulously.
"Of losing you." He answered simply.
"You thought…I would leave you?" Kagura laughed at this thought, though a bit nervously. "Didn't you stop to think that I loved you?"
Kouga winced at her use of the past tense. "No, that's not what I mean." Kouga told her. "I was afraid that…you might be hurt, since I'm not…you know, the only wolf youkai. If I took you back, then I would be risking you. And I just…I couldn't do it. And then, if I left the tribe…something could happen. And then it would be my fault. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I could try to take care of you both."
"How?" Kagura asked.
"I was still leader of the wolf tribe, but about half the time, I was gone." Kouga explained a bit sheepishly. "I was…I came here. I watched you. I thought that this way…it would be enough."
"Enough for you?" Kagura asked bitterly. "You got to see me, but I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought…I'd have your child…and I was sure it would look…so much like you…" Kouga realized that Kagura was crying now, speaking in gulping sobs. "I'd see it everyday, and…I'd always have to…remember how you promised…promised I'd never be alone…and you left me."
"Kagura…I'm sorry." Kouga told her, his eyes genuine.
"It isn't enough." She told him. "I don't know how I can forgive you."
"I don't know either. I've tried my hardest, but I guess you won't ever forget." Kouga sighed, closing his eyes to go to sleep.
"Maybe…someday." Kagura murmured as she too drifted to sleep.
*****
The End (Of Part 8 That Is)