Okay…at the risk of turning out like Jade, the Queen of Empty Promises, (I can tease her, she's my imouto-chan!) I'm going to say that this baby (the story, not Kagura and Kouga's baby you silly readers) is gonna be finished by the end of this week. We'll say that the week ends on Sunday to give me some leeway and some weekend time. The way I've been churning out chapters, I don't think that'll be too hard. But then…I do have another Biology midterm this week (okay, how can they justify a midterm three weeks from the end of the term???) and so stress levels have risen due to that factor. This story relaxes me though, so it's good…um…therapy? Sure. Oh…and I spent like…a stupid amount of time trying to decide between two song quotes for the beginning of this chapter, so in the end I just kept them both.
*****
Love to Hate You
Part 9
*****
Remember
today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
I
love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back
-Silverchair Miss You Love
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' to let you
Do what you do what you do down to me-Aerosmith Cryin
Kouga watched Kagura carefully as he swept the dirt floor without being told. He knew that she expected him to do that after breakfast, so he did it in hopes of avoiding her displeasure. But Kagura didn't seem to notice. She was very distracted lately. Over the past few weeks, she had slowly grown less vicious than usual. It started with her simply going to sleep every night instead of staying awake while he swept to insult and criticize him. And then she started to forget to offer criticism for every meal. She still criticized his cooking at least once a day, but it was strange. At first, he wondered if she was going to forgive him. But she seemed so withdrawn; he started to wonder if perhaps something was wrong with her. Of course, the thought of his mate falling ill, especially while she was pregnant with his child was something that worried Kouga to no end. Therefore, he was always trying to keep an eye on her, looking for some symptoms of ill health to give his concerns a more solid basis.
And it wasn't hard to see that she was carrying his child these days. She still had a way to go, but her condition was visibly obvious at this point. Kagura didn't seem all too pleased that her robes didn't fit the way she was used to, but Kouga couldn't get enough of looking at her. He hadn't thought that he could love her more than he did, but now it seemed like his heart would explode every time he saw her. It must be just knowing that she carries my child…being able to see it. Because I guess…even though I've never seen it, I know that I love this child also. Kouga paused his movements to stare at her as she walked slowly back to rest on her futon. He forgot to look away, and she caught him staring at her. Kagura glared at him.
"What are you looking at?" she wanted to know. "It's your fault I look like this."
"I didn't mean to…" Kouga stopped suddenly, realizing what she said. "I mean…I can't help it. Staring, I mean."
"Think it's funny?" Kagura crossed her arms angrily.
"No." Kouga answered simply. "I like…I like how you look."
"You…like it?" Kagura arched an eyebrow skeptically. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean…when I see you…" Kouga shook his hands, finding himself unable to explain how it felt. He dropped his broom and walked to where Kagura sat on her futon, cautiously reaching forward. When she didn't stop him, he rested a hand on her rounded stomach. He'd been wanting to feel it as soon as he'd noticed that it had begun to swell with the size of the child inside. "When I see you like this, I can see my child." He attempted an explanation. "I can see…I can see proof that you're mine…that we're mates, no matter how you treat me now. This is what really matters, you see? This child." Kouga stroked the strained stomach lovingly. "And I know that you can't forgive me, and that you don't want me…but when I see you like this…I can see that at least you used to love me." Kouga looked up and suddenly realized that he was showing unwanted affection again, and he'd likely have to sleep outside once more. "I'm sorry." He apologized, pulling away. "I'll finish the floor."
"Kouga?" she spoke up as soon as he lifted the broom. He looked back at her cautiously, but she didn't seem to be angry.
"Yeah?" he replied, finishing his chore quickly as she tried to find the words she wanted to say.
"I don't…you can…sometimes…I want…" she wandered through her thoughts, trying to explain how she felt. "I'm not mad."
"What?" Kouga almost dropped the broom, not really believing what she said.
"I want…I want you to believe in me again." She told him, tears in her eyes. "I want you to tell me your secrets. I want you to climb into bed with me and hold me close to you and…just let me hear the sound of your voice. I want you to just…to just hug me for no reason except that you felt like it. I want you to stay…I don't want to push you away. I can't stay angry with you anymore. It's pointless." She admitted. "I love you too much."
"You…" Kouga didn't know what to say. He'd been waiting so long, so long to hear her finally forgive him. He really had started to believe that it would never happen. And now…he was lost for words.
"Kouga?" she stood up with only minor difficulty, moving toward him. "You made me angry…when you left me. I cried…I hated it. I thought you used me and that you'd never come back. And then one day you showed up, expecting me to just forget. I couldn't…I couldn't do it. But you see…even though I was mad, I never stopped loving you. If I didn't care, then I never would have been mad at all. And I just…I miss you!" she burst into tears, lunging into his arms and sobbing on his chest, releasing all the emotions she'd been holding back for so long. "And when you told me…about your tribe…and how you watched me…I felt…like I'd been so unfair." Her tears brought Kouga back to reality, and he held her close, pressing his lips to her hair and whispering words of comfort to her.
"Shh, it's okay." Kouga told her. "I did deserve it. I left you."
"You gave…up everything to be with me!" Kagura sobbed. "And…I almost drove you away! I was so stupid."
"I told you that I'd never leave, didn't I?" Kouga stroked her hair softly. "I can't leave you."
"Because…I have something of yours?" she spoke up unsurely, her tears slowing when she realized he wasn't upset with how she'd treated him.
"That's right." He smiled down at her tear-streaked face. "Even now…even now, with your face all red, you're so beautiful." Kouga sighed as he moved a lock of hair aside needlessly. "You'll always be beautiful."
"Kouga…will you tell me?" Kagura asked, blushing from his compliments. "Will you tell me what it is that I have?"
"You have all of me." He told her. "I'm your mate, and so I belong to you just as you belong to me." Kagura smiled slowly at this.
"I won't lose you will I?" she asked, still wanting to be reassured.
"Never." He smiled again before leaning down to kiss her.
----------
"Kouga?" Kagura blinked wearily as she lay in bed, her mate nestled behind her with his arms around her waist, hands protectively resting against her distended belly.
"Mate?" he replied, only sounding a bit sleepy. Kagura blushed at the affectionate term that he'd been using ever since she forgave him a month ago. He'd been using it for a month, and yet it still made her feel warm to hear him say it. "Not asleep yet?" he rubbed her stomach in a combination of comfort and affection.
"No…I was just thinking." She answered, nestling deeper into his warm embrace. "I wanted to ask you something…"
"Ask away." He yawned and then nuzzled her neck softly.
"Okay…but I think you'll say no." Kagura explained cryptically. "Because…that's the way you are."
"Well what is it?" he asked, sounding slightly amused at her unsure nature. "Did you want a favor?"
"Um…sort of." She nodded slightly.
"Then ask for it." Kouga laughed at her hesitance. "Why so nervous?"
"Because…it's something that I think you want a lot, but you'll say no…because of me." Kagura told him.
"Well, if you don't ask me, I'll never say yes, will I?" Kouga pointed out, kissing her jaw warmly.
"I guess you're right." Kagura licked her lips and turned in her arms so she was facing him. "So…I was wondering…you know, this hut is fine for the two of us…"
"But it's too small for a baby?" Kouga finished for her. Kagura nodded enthusiastically.
"Exactly! So…I was thinking…maybe we could go…live with the wolf tribe?" she pouted as well as she could, jutting out her lip pitifully and blinking large red eyes at him in pleading. Kouga was silent for a long moment, and she thought that maybe, despite her efforts, he'd say no.
"You…want to go there?" he asked, sounding a bit shocked.
"Why not?" Kagura asked. "It'd be better than this shabby old hut. Right?" she asked.
"Yeah…but it's just that…I thought you wouldn't want to confront the rest of the tribe." Kouga explained. "I know now that I can protect you no matter what, but I'm just afraid…"
"But you're their leader, Kouga." Kagura told him. "I don't remember much…before. But I do remember that to them, your word was always law. They may seem a bit crude and rough around the edges, but they're your people, Kouga. You were raised to lead them. I know you want to go back, so I do too."
"I do…but I thought you'd be afraid." He admitted.
"You'll be there." She snuggled into his chest. "I'm not afraid of anything."
"Kagura…" Kouga marveled at how she trusted him, even with her life. "I love you, mate."
"I love you too." She smiled as he bent to lick at the scarred mark on the neck that he'd given her after they'd made up, saying that now she really was his mate, for everyone to see. The tiny teeth marks had not been very painful, and the joy at what they meant far outweighed the slight discomfort they had caused her for a few days.
"Ne, Kagura." He lifted his head to look in her eyes. "You have to start thinking about it, okay?"
"About what?" she asked, not following his change in subject.
"This." He rubbed the flesh of her stomach lovingly. "We'll have to name it, you know."
"Oh…that's right." She flushed, feeling silly that she hadn't even thought of that before. "How is it done? I've never…really had any experience in these things."
"In my tribe, the woman is allowed to name the child, but sometimes, if the man doesn't like her choice, he can ask her to change it. But it's really up to her. She carried the child, so she's supposed to be closer to it, and that means she'll be better able to give it a fitting name." Kouga explained.
"I hope that it's a boy, so he can be your heir." Kagura blushed as she spoke. Kouga smiled at her warmly.
"Don't worry about that. Some guys want a boy first, but I don't really care, long as it looks like you, mate." He told her, causing her blush to deepen as he placed soft kisses on her face.
"First…you mean…like we'll have more?" Kagura sounded hopeful, but also unsure.
"How many do you want?" Kouga asked her, his grin becoming positively wicked.
"I don't know…I never really thought about it." Kagura admitted. "How about you?" Kouga looked deep into her eyes, as though considering her carefully.
"How's…hmm…how does twenty sound?" Kouga teased, his voice perfectly serious, but the mischievous grin giving him away. Kagura gasped in shock before realizing he was teasing.
"Fine then, but I'm not carrying all of them." She teased back. "You can have all the boys and I'll have all the girls."
"Deal." He agreed. "That way, the girls'll be more like you." He nibbled at her throat, "So we'll just have nineteen girls and one boy."
"Only one boy?" she arched an eyebrow. "How could you want to deal with that many girls?"
"They'll be like you, so I won't mind. Nineteen tiny Kagura's." he smiled at her again, kissing her cheek.
"And I only get one little Kouga? That's not fair." Kagura pouted jokingly.
"Trust me, more than one and they'll end up killing each other." Kouga advised. "Noisy little brats."
"Maybe, but they'd be so cute." Kagura knew how to win this battle. "With those eyes, and that cute little tail." She let her hand drift over to the furry appendage that was always around her waist when they slept together. She petted it gently, knowing just how Kouga liked it and soon causing him to shut his eyes and lick his lips in contented, mindless joy. She innocently continued her way up his tail, but then her hand "slipped" and caressed a different bit of her mate.
"Kagura!" his eyes widened and he yelped, practically leaping out of the futon, though he was still naked, his hair and tail mussed, his hands lowered desperately in an attempt to block himself from her view. As though she hadn't seen him naked before. Silly man. "Don't do that, dammit!" He was quite serious, but she was giggling helplessly. "Dammit, this isn't funny! You know we can't do anything…like that 'til after the baby comes!"
"Such a reaction from a little slip of the hand, dear me, Kouga!" Kagura attempted to mock him with a straight face, but the utter panic on his face was just too priceless. "And then you go on like you didn't like it, when it's quite obvious that it's a lie." She pointed toward his feebly covered lower regions and he growled, both in frustration and anger.
"Damn, woman! Do you even know how long I've been…dammit, if I couldn't control myself so well, I'd be all over you right now! That's not funny!" He wanted her to stop laughing, but obviously that wasn't happening anytime soon. Pouting, Kouga turned around to find his clothes, letting his blood cool as he did so. Finally, Kagura stopped laughing as he got dressed.
"What are you doing?" she wanted to know.
"Sleeping on the floor." He told her, sitting down with a huff in his long unused spot on the ground.
"Oh, Kouga, don't be like that." She pouted, her voice full of false remorse. "I won't do it again. I was just…fooling around."
"It's not funny! I've gone without that kind of thing for…seven months now, and it's not funny when you tease me like that!" Kouga told her. There was a long silence, and when Kagura spoke again, she'd left the act behind and was now speaking in a very threatening tone.
"Fine, sleep on the floor. And you'll just have to wait an extra two months after the baby is born to come near me." She told him.
"You wouldn't…" Kouga sounded a bit unsure. "You'd never be able to hold out that long."
"Ha! You find yourself that irresistible, dear mate?" Kagura laughed. "Just try me. Go ahead." There was another long pause before Kouga got up, stripped back down and came to bed, grumbling about how cruel women were.
"I hate you." He pouted, nestling against her and wrapping his arms back around her waist. "I'm not kissing you for…two months!" he gave her his ultimatum.
"Yeah, okay." Kagura giggled. "We'll see how long you hold out on that one." She turned in his arms, teasing his firmly shut mouth with her lips before suckling at his throat. Finally, he growled impatiently and pulled her lips to his. When they broke, she raised an eyebrow at him in question.
"That one…didn't count." He justified, setting his face in a firm pout. Kagura giggled and wrapped her arms around him, nestling against his chest.
"Of course not, love." She murmured, letting herself finally drift to sleep as she thought of how lucky she was to have Kouga here with her at that moment and all others. It was worth the compromise to her pride to be happy now with the man she knew she would always love.
*****
The End (Of Part 9 That Is)
Okay, I think Kouga should've called Kagura on that no sex punishment. There's no way in all seven hells she'd be able to say no to hot Kouga for two months straight! What a liar! Um…yeah, there shouldn't be much left now. We're reaching the home stretch. Oh! And in case anyone's wondering, that whole thing with Kouga and the stars and the hand…I'm not explaining that until Fate's Reversal (sequel to To Finally Let Go) so you'll have to just wait. Why? Because…I am evil! EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! FEAR MEEEEEEE!!!! Um…yeah.