Me Myself & Ukyou
Chapter Three
Wow... so today's my wedding day. It almost doesn't seem real. I guess I'm a little scared. Not that I'm gonna back out or anything. Ranchan and me have fought way too hard and suffered too much to give up now. We're getting married!
...Wow.
Huh? Tell you more of the story? Sure. I guess I've got time. Let's see... Ranma's vengeful persona came out twice; once to slap some sense into Akane and a second time to sell nude (and very graphic) pictures of Nabiki. The fourth time was when the Kunous....
Third time? Uh-uh Sugar. I don't even want to think about that. Not on my wedding day. It just hurts too much sometimes, and I get all depressed.
No, it wasn't me he turned on. I think he loved me even then, or at the very least trusted me. It was Shampoo who got it, in more than one sense.
Never mind. I said I wouldn't talk about it and I meant it! Today is my WEDDING DAY! Look! There's Ryouga. Go ask him! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Is this the Unryuu... you know, I don't think it is. This looks more like a wedding, and there's no giant pigs anywhere. You look kinda familiar too. Hey! I remember you! What are you doing in Hiroshima?
Nerima? Really? Who's getting married? Ranma and Ukyou? Well hey! I might just stick around to see that. Guess I shouldn't kick his ass at his own wedding though. It's a good thing I keep a tux in my pack for just such occasions. Hey, look over there. I see Ranma and Ukyou. How come she's crying? Is he glaring at you or at me? You? Good. Like I said, I'd hate to have to get in a fight with him on his wedding day. What'd you do to her anyway?
Oh, I see. She's been telling you about that time Ranma went crackers huh?
You asked her about Shampoo? Are you nuts! What kind of sick bastard are you!
Well... ok. I guess you had no way of knowing, and I know you're basically an alright person... more or less.
Huh? You want to know? I don't know if I should. It's not really my place... Well, yeah. You've got a point there. If you'd known before you wouldn't have brought it up today of all days. I guess I'll tell you. Just let me find a place to change. This way you say?
Hey, let go! I was going the way you said... I wasn't? Oh, sorry. Over here then? Right, right. That's where I meant... honest!
Okay then, now I don't look like a beggar at the Emperor's table. This collar sure is tight. Guess it's time to get a bigger one. I'm not quite 18 yet, after all; still got a bit of growing to do. Huh? Oh right, the thing with Shampoo. Personally, I don't know that Ranma wouldn't have done that even if he were in his right mind. He's a real jerk, you know. Hmm... guess I shouldn't say things like that at the guy's wedding. Anyhow, it went something like this...
***
News of Ranma's split personality disorder didn't make it to the Nekohanten, which was pretty stupid of Ranma and Ukyou if you ask me. The old woman's got her agenda, sure, but she probably could have gotten Shampoo to ease up a little for a while, even order her not to go near him if that's what it took. Shampoo would have listened then. Not liked it, obviously, but she would have obeyed.
Word that Ranma had moved in with Ukyou, on the other hand, did reach Shampoo when next she attempted to ambush Ranma for a date at the Tendou dojo. His not being there, naturally, was a surprise. Nor was it a particularly nice one. I think all she was told (or more likely, all she listened to) was that Ranma had slapped Akane and run off to Ukyou. This, naturally, did not put her in the best of moods. Sure she was glad to be rid of one rival, but why wouldn't he run to his 'Airen' if he needed a place to stay? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as Kunou would probably put it. She went straight to the Ucchan.
Why was it, she pondered as she ran across the rooftops, that Ranma always cringed away when she showed him affection? She knew she was far from hideous, so what was it about her that seemed to drive him away?
Others called her a bimbo for how she behaved with her Airen. What the hell was their problem? By the laws of the Joketsuzoku, she and Ranma were already married, so what was wrong with a wife trying to get her husband to consummate the marriage? Considering that they'd been 'married' for nearly a year (longer if you count her original defeat back in the village) it was in fact very odd and troubling that she and her Airen were not physical together. Shampoo knew couples back in the village who fought, and the first evidence of big trouble in their household was a husband sleeping outside at night. How bad then was Shampoo's marriage, where her husband had never come inside in the first place?
Actually, even thought the law officially recognized them as man and wife, there was a wedding ceremony that she was looking forward to. That didn't make them any less married (other than it reaffirmed the groom's commitment; Ranma was not the first outsider male to become confused when a defeated Amazon dropped her weapons and went for a liplock, though he was to-date the longest holdout). The Amazonian wedding ceremony merely confirmed the marriage much like a funeral confirms that a person is dead. Ceremony or not, married is married and dead is dead.
At any rate, Shampoo knew her marriage was in serious trouble, and was giving her all towards closing the rift between her and Ranma. Sex was an important part of any healthy marriage, especially a new one like theirs. So she flirted with him and flaunted her body as much as was publicly acceptable, in the hopes of getting him to accept her.
It should be noted that Shampoo's concept of what was publicly acceptable was a little broader than that of the typical city-dwelling Japanese.
***
Now Ranma and Ukyou had been having a fairly calm couple of days since he moved in. The most he had to deal with was guys at the school coming up to him to ask when the next series of Nabiki pictures were coming out. Since Ukyou was sticking to him like glue, they usually received a spatula to the head as a reply. The few who managed to avoid her ire spread the word that the answer was "never".
Other than that, Ranma was basically the hero of the campus for the next little while, and a lot of guys were slapping him on the shoulder and thanking him for what he did. Quite a lot of them had their debts to Nabiki cleared when he gave them her log book to burn. Not everybody escaped her clutches naturally, but they were no worse off than before, so they really couldn't complain.
At the Ucchan, Ranma-chan was working as a waitress, and apparently raking in the tips. This might have had something to do with the Pig-tailed-girl photo market suddenly drying up. There's an awful lot of weird guys at that school. They already know Ranma's really a guy. Don't they care about getting their heads kicked in if he catches them with the photos?
Whatever. The point is things were going pretty good for Ranma when Shampoo smashed the restaurant's door open, late one evening.
"Ranma! Why you stay here with Stupid Spatula Girl? You come stay at Nekohanten, yes?" She said, not even bothering with a 'nihao'.
"Sha-Shampoo! Um... Long time no see. Heh."
Ukyou was not impressed, with either the suggestion or the entrance. "HEY! Look at what you did to my door, you bimbo!" She snapped.
Shampoo just glared at her and glomped onto the nervous female Ranma in the kimono. "Why think Shampoo care about Stupid Spatula Girl door. Ucchan is competition to Nekohanten. No need bother be careful in this place."
"Why you little..." Ukyou growled, grabbing her big spatula and hopping over the counter. "Let him go!"
"Ranma is Shampoo Airen! Not yours! Ranma come stay at Nekohanten with Shampoo! Have futon for two all ready! Make big happy with Shampoo tonight!"
"Uh... uh... uh..." Ranma-chan's face went red and his linguistic skills dwindled away to nothing at the blatant suggestion. He held his arms wide to the side, not wanting to return the embrace, but not knowing what else to do with them.
"Keep your paws off my fiancé, you slut!" Ukyou snarled and swung with the spatula. Shampoo ducked; Ranma-chan wasn't so lucky.
WHAM! "Ack! Ranchan!"
"Stupid Spatula Girl learn not to strike Shampoo Airen!" Shampoo growled, if it's even possible to growl in that baby-doll voice of hers. She smashed a bonbori into Ukyou's stomach and sent her flying into the wall.
Now, lest you think otherwise, Ukyou's a pretty tough fighter, and can usually hold her own against Shampoo, but she got distracted worrying about Ranma-chan and the blow she'd accidentally knocked her. Ranma-chan was conscious, but on her knees holding her head. Since Ukyou'd left herself wide open, Shampoo's devastating strike hit with full force. The back of Ukyou's scull struck one of the support beams in the wall and knocked her out cold. If she'd the plaster, it would have just caved in and softened the blow, allowing her to get right back up and continue the fight.
Ranma-chan looked in horror at her unconscious fiancée. "Ucchan!"
"Leave Stupid Spatula Girl! Shampoo much better looking. Have better body and chest can actually see. Ranma want real girl for wife, yes? Spatula Girl only boy who no can pee standing." Shampoo remarked snidely. She turned up her nose at Ukyou's slumped form. Thus, she didn't notice how Ranma-chan was shaking with rage.
Ranma-chan stood up and smirked at the Amazon. "You have a point there, Shampoo. I guess if I want to spend time with someone really sexy, that'd be you, wouldn't it?"
Shampoo was a little shocked at finally getting some encouragement from Ranma, but covered it quickly with great enthusiasm.
"Aiya! Is so! Ranma come with Shampoo! Shampoo show how much she love Airen! We spend much time together at restaurant!"
Ranma drew closer and smiled coyly. "Hmm, yes indeed. You want to fuck me, don't you? Tonight?"
Shampoo blinked, not used to hearing her Airen speak this way. "Y-yes! Shampoo very much want get closer to her Airen. Shampoo do anything Airen want! You see! She make Airen very happy... tonight..." Shampoo's heart was beating fast in her chest. Ranma was finally ready to act like her husband, and she was getting nervous! What was wrong with her? "Yes. Tonight!" She said with renewed confidence.
Ranma-chan smirked. "I bet you will." She looked over at the unconscious chef. Her expression wavered. She turned back to Shampoo. "Just let me change and we'll go. I'll put her somewhere more comfortable and leave her a note to say where I've gone. She took good care of me after the Tendous threw me out. I owe her that much."
Shampoo mulled that over. She had Ranma all to herself now, she supposed she could afford to be a gracious winner. "Is ok. Shampoo wait here for you, yes?"
Ranma-chan smiled as she scooped up Ukyou. "That'd be great. Just wait right here and I'll be down in a minute. Then we'll go together."
Shampoo frowned briefly at the way her Airen held the Okonomiyaki chef, but reasoned there was nothing too affectionate about it. She smiled and nodded happily while Ranma-chan took Ukyou upstairs. When he came down again, he was in his male form and his own clothes. He grinned at her and put his arm around her waist.
"Okay, hot stuff! Let's get going."
Shampoo giggled and leaned against him. Ranma turned the sign around to 'closed' and walked away with Shampoo without a backward glance.
Ukyou woke up on her own futon an hour later. She took a minute to figure out how she'd gotten there. Ranma must have carried her up here, she thought. The warm feeling she got from his consideration soured somewhat was she remembered Shampoo. She noticed that she was as properly put to bed as could be expected. Tossing back the comforter she saw that her clothes had been loosened so that she could be comfortable, even the bindings on her breasts. Nothing had been removed however (same old shy Ranchan). She looked at the clock and noted that it was well past closing time, so Ranma was probably asleep in his own room. She got up to change into her normal nightwear before going back to sleep.
On the dresser was a folded note with her name on it.
Dear Ukyou,
Rest well, and take care of yourself. You know what the symptoms
of a concussion are like, I'm sure. If you think you have one,
go to Dr. Tofu's first thing in the morning. I'm going to give
that Chinese whore what's coming to her. I'll be back either
late tonight or tomorrow morning, so don't worry if I'm not there
when you wake up.
Love Ranma.
Ukyou felt a cold dread seep into her bones as she read the note. By the way he referred to Shampoo, it was obviously the vengeful Ranma that had written it. Her worry about what was going to happen stole away any joy at the affectionate concern Ranma showed for in the letter.
What was going to happen that night? And was it concern for the Amazon that made her blood run cold, or was it concern for Ranchan when he 'woke up'?
***
Not long before she normally rose each morning, Elder Cologne of the Joketsuzoku was brought abruptly awake by a shrill scream of agony. She bolted from her room and burst into her great-grandaughter's. Shampoo was curled up naked atop her bedding, sobbing her heart out as she clutched a sheet of paper in her hand.
Mousse was inside only a moment after the matriarch. "Shampoo! What's-- Ack!"
Knocking the blind fool outside (figures he'd have his glasses on the one time he could get an eyeful of Shampoo) Cologne slammed the door shut. "You will wait outside Mousse! That is an order!" She snapped.
Turning back to Shampoo she slid down her staff and moved to comfort her great-granddaughter. "Shampoo, what is it? Where is Son-in-law?"
The devastated Amazon could only shake her head as she sobbed. Cologne gently eased the paper out of her hand and read it.
To Shampoo
Gotta admit you're a great lay. Your money's on the dresser. Just in
case you're wondering, I've never had any intention of marrying you, and
still don't. Drag your slutty ass back to China and leave me alone. If
you need travel money you can probably make enough by waiting around by
the docks. Here's a little life lesson so you can't say I never gave you
anything:
Act like a whore, and you get treated like one.
Bie lao, slut.
-Ranma
Feeling numb, Cologne glanced toward Shampoo's dresser where, sure enough, lay a 5000-yen bill.
"He even underpaid." She muttered in disbelief. Even a marginally good-looking 'working girl' in Tokyo could sell her virtue for almost twice that much.
Ignoring, for the moment, the sobbing girl on the floor, the matriarch stared numbly at the open window and let the horrible note slip from her fingers.
"Son-in-law, what in the name of all the gods have you done?"
***
Ukyou had slept poorly, and when her alarm went off she immediately went to Ranma's room. She was relieved to find him there, sleeping sloppily with the covers half-off him like usual.
"Ranma!" She shook him awake. "Ranma!"
Snort. "Uh? Whassit? Ukyou? 'ssit mornin' already?" He mumbled groggily. Then he noticed that Ukyou's pajamas came pretty together pretty low in the front, especially if she was leaning forward like she was now. His eyes went wide...
"Ranma, what happened last night? What did you do to Sham..." She trailed off as she noted that he didn't seem to be listening to her, and wasn't looking her in the eye either. She glanced down and blushed as she leaned back and flattened her pajama top against her body again. "Um... sorry."
She noted that Ranma hadn't moved, and in fact appeared quite frozen. She had to giggle. "I guess I don't need to ask if you're my Ranchan or not, huh?"
"Um... what?" He shook himself out of it.
Ukyou became serious. "Ranchan, do you know what happened last night?"
"No... Wait, you don't think I had another little 'episode' do you?" He asked, his eyes filled with worry.
Ukyou nodded. "I'm pretty sure you did. Shampoo came by and knocked me unconscious."
"I think I remember that part..."
"Yeah, but when I woke up you'd put me to bed and left a note saying you were going to 'give her what's coming to her'. You must have come back some time in the night."
Ranma put his head in his hands. "Aw no! Not Shampoo too!"
***
"Matriarch! What's wrong with Shampoo? Tell me, please!" Mousse called franticly from outside the door.
Cologne weighed her options carefully, then slipped outside the door and wordlessly handed the male Amazon Ranma's note.
Mousse began to quiver in rage as he read...
"By our laws, it is Shampoo whose task it is to avenge this grave dishonor with Saotome's blood, but... she loved him deeply and truly. It is a heavy task to put upon her shoulders when there are others who would gladly take up her burden. Wouldn't you agree, Mousse?"
The near-blind boy raised his head, and the two shared a grim look of cold fury...
***
Ranma and Ukyou walked to school in a state of considerable depression. They knew something awful had happened to Shampoo last night, and the repercussions would surely find him in short order.
Sure enough, Mousse was waiting by the front gate. Somewhere further behind him, Akane and Nabiki were watching with a sort of grim curiosity.
"Uh... Hi Mousse. What's up?" Ranma asked nervously.
"Saotome..." Mousse began in a frighteningly calm voice. "For some time now, I have been angered and frustrated by the disrespectful way you have treated my Shampoo." The master of hidden weapons held his shaking fists at his sides. "But last night was the final straw! The greatest possible insult! Before today I would have been content merely to defeat you to end your hold over Shampoo, but no more! Only your demise will satisfy me now, and not even Shampoo will hold it against me! DIE YOU ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!!!" He roared as he reached into his sleeves and brought forth a hail of deadly weaponry.
Ranma gave Ukyou a hard shove to the right to get her out of the way, before leaping to his own safety.
"Mousse calm down! It ain't like you think!" Ranma protested as he strove furiously to defend himself. He noted with some dread that the weapons Mousse was using today were all bladed and honed to a razor edge. Before today, Mousse had always employed weighted chains, or steel with the edges blunted.
Not today. Today Mousse was entirely serious about seeking Ranma's bloody end. All his weapons were deadly real; a single slip would mean the end of Ranma Saotome. The farsighted boy's style itself was similarly focused with lethal intent.
Ukyou watched in horror, knowing that she could not compete at Mousse's level of combat. To enter the fray would be incredibly dangerous. Worse, Ranma would then have to worry about defending her in addition to himself; a distraction he could ill afford.
She looked about frantically for some means of Ranma's salvation, and found only Cologne perched silently atop her staff, watching the fight in grim silence.
"Old woman! You have to stop him!" She cried.
The old woman fixed her with a stare. "Why would I?"
The look chilled Ukyou to the bone. Always before, Ukyou had seen the old woman look at Ranma with the reluctant amusement one held for a disobedient, but much-loved child. Her expression now as she turned back to the fight was of the sort one reserved for a disgusting insect.
Ukyou swallowed and tried again in her most respectful tone. "Elder Cologne, I don't know what occurred last night, but Ranma was not at fault!"
"How can you possibly ask me to believe that?"
"Ranma's suffering from a split-personality disorder. He's developed this other persona that goes around seeking vengeance against anyone who's hurt him in the past. When he woke up this morning, he had no memory of what happened the night before. We're still waiting to get him treatment. Please! Whatever that other Ranma did to Shampoo, *this* Ranma's not to blame!"
Cologne turned slowly to look into Ukyou's desperate eyes. She looked older than Ukyou had ever seen her, as if she had suddenly gained all the weakness and fragility of her 300+ years.
"Is this... true?"
Ukyou nodded quickly. "You can ask Dr. Tofu to confirm it. Think about it. Can you honestly believe Ranchan would really do... whatever it was he did?"
Cologne frowned in thought. "It does seem unlike him..." She looked at the enraged assault Mousse waged on Ranma, then glanced back sadly in the direction of the Nekohanten. "However, I don't believe there's any way to recover from the damage that was done."
Ukyou swallowed, risking a nervous glance at her fiancée. "What... what exactly did the other Ranma do? He can't even remember it himself."
Cologne looked the Kuonji girl over carefully, as if reluctant to accept the girl's sincerity. Eventually, she wordlessly pulled a sheet of paper from her robes and handed it to Ukyou...
This was the hardest fight Ranma could remember in a long time. It took every trick he knew to bring the livid Mousse down. Fortunately, Mousse was far too incensed to recognize the Hiryuushotenha being formed around him, and a huge tornado carried him high into the sky, buffeting him with its fierce winds before slamming him into the ground. Ranma almost feinted in shock when Mousse began to get up again, but quickly jumped on the boy and slammed his head repeatedly into the ground until he stopped moving.
Exhausted and frustrated at the duck-boy's reluctance to accept unconsciousness, Ranma staggered over to where Ukyou stood beside the old ghoul, reading a note.
"Geez he was worked up! Hey Ucchan, did you explain how whatever I did to Shampoo wasn't my fault yet?"
Ukyou did not respond, continuing to look down at the note.
"Ucchan? What's that there?"
Ukyou finally raised her eyes and looked at him with an expression of such hurt betrayal that he flinched back a step.
"How could you..." She said, as tears began pouring down her face. "How could you do this?"
"Ucchan?" Ranma said in confusion.
Ukyou dropped the note and dashed forward, slapping him hard across the face. "Ranma Saotome, I hate you!" She cried as she ran off sobbing.
Cologne watched with morbid curiosity as Ranma stood there in shock for almost a full minute, before slowly reaching down to pick up the paper that Ukyou had dropped. The Matriarch saw his eyes widen in horror as he read it and understood.
"Oh God..." he muttered softly. As the full measure of what had happened, and all the significance of Ukyou's response, reached him, Ranma collapsed to the ground, curling up into a ball as he began to cry in the middle of the street. Cologne watched him silently; the proud warrior brought low. Akane and Nabiki glanced at each other, and coldly turned and left him where he lay. Other students arriving late gave him wide birth, not wanting any part of him or the large crater where the unconscious Mousse lay.
The bell had rung and the school gates closed before he had cried himself out. He rose slowly and looked miserably at Cologne, who was still watching him silently.
"So what are you going to do now?" He asked bitterly.
Cologne considered that for a minute. "For what you have done, Amazon law requires you to be put to death in a rather unpleasant way. However, considering this whole split-personality business, which in no way forgives the harm you've done, I think it more fitting to leave you alive to suffer the consequences of your own actions."
Ranma nodded slowly. "Some things are worse than death, I suppose. I almost wish I was dead now, considering how miserable I feel."
Cologne nodded. "Then it is a just punishment. You have destroyed any possible chance of a happy marriage with my great-granddaughter. We will leave soon, to return for China."
"What's going to happen to her now?" Ranma asked, a slight amount of concern creeping into his voice.
Cologne grimaced at the thought. "She can still live a fairly respectable life in our village, though the next year will be hard for her. As well, a stain on her honor of this magnitude practically erases any hopes I had of her succeeding me as Matriarch."
"I'm sorry."
Cologne looked at him carefully. "I believe you are sincere in that. That is one of the only reasons I am leaving you alive."
Ranma snorted. "Don't act like you're doing me any favors. It's probably a moot point anyway. Soon as my mother gets wind of this mess, I'll be on my knees slicing my own belly open."
Cologne nodded grimly. "Then your suffering will not be too long. For what it's worth, Son-in... Ranma... I will miss you. I've had more fun playing with you here in Japan than in the last 100 years back in the village."
Ranma gave her a weak smile. "You were kinda growing on me a bit too... grandma."
Cologne snorted. "*Now* he shows some respect. Farewell, Ranma Saotome."
Ranma nodded. "Sayonara, Elder."
Ranma watched morosely as the ancient Amazon pogoed away on her staff, then turned to the school. He glanced at the locked gates, easily surmountable for one such as him. He considered them a minute, the turned and walked away down the street. He noticed he still held the awful note in one hand. He crumpled it up to throw it away, but hesitated. Things were bad enough without someone finding the note and spreading the news around. He crumpled it up and put it in his pocket, until he could find a trash can.
He was halfway back to the Ucchan when he realized he had no business being there anymore. Ukyou had said she hated him, and the funny thing was, he didn't blame her at all. If anyone he cared about as deeply as she had said she did for him betrayed her like this... well, maybe he could forgive them eventually, *maybe*, but that didn't mean he had any right to expect her to.
Ranma came to the unsettling realization that he had nowhere to go. His alter ego had cost him everything. The Tendou dojo, Ucchan's, the Nekohanten... He would never again be welcome in any of those places again. He was homeless, and friendless. Even his mother's house (not that he knew where it was) was too dangerous to go to, if for different reasons altogether.
Feeling lonelier than ever before in his life, Ranma picked a direction at random and started walking. When you have nowhere to go, anywhere is better than here.
Which is how the jerk ended up at my campsite. I don't know how he managed to get all the way to the Okinawa Islands in one night, but that's where I was (at least I think so, there weren't as many palm trees in the Okinawa forests as in the tourism ads) and he was there. He just wandered in while I was cooking a rabbit on the campfire.
I was a bit surprised to see him, but I immediately jumped up to attack him like I always do whenever I see him. He didn't say anything when I said it was for Akane, he just looked sadly at me and let my nail him one right in the face. Considering that he's usually harder to nail down than mayonnaise to a wall, this kinda took me by surprise.
"What kind of pathetic defense is that?" I yelled at him.
"I don't care." He mumbled from where he was laying. "Hit me all you like. You can even break my neck if it suits you."
This was beginning to weird me out, and no way was I going to take my much-deserved revenge if he wasn't even going to fight back (hardly any fun that way, is it?)
I think I just kinda stared at him for a while, then I dragged him over to the campfire and gave him some of my rabbit. For someone who usually eats like a starving wolf, he barely touched his bit. I don't think I've ever seen him that depressed, before or since. I found myself wondering if I look like that when I'm brooding. It wasn't the most inspiring thought.
"Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?" I finally asked.
"How long you got?" He muttered.
I just raised an eyebrow and looked up at the sky. The sun had set just a couple of hours ago. "All night I suppose."
So he sighed and, very reluctantly, told me all about his split personality, and all the damage it had done, leaving him homeless and friendless. Actually, I found out later that he'd skipped over the part about Akane, but I guess he thought I wouldn't stay quiet long enough to hear the rest if he did. He was probably right too.
"So you've finally gone nuts, huh?" I joked, trying to get a rise out of him. It didn't do a damn thing.
"Pretty much." He mumbled. "Guess I'll just end up wandering around like you do, living off the land, far away from people so that I don't hurt nobody. Just me, all by myself... all alone..."
There was something very depressing about how he described his intended life, especially the part where he compared it to mine. I REALLY needed to get a rise out of him, before he got us both throwing Shishihoukoudans all over my nice campsite.
"Well, I'm not as bad off as you. As soon as I get back to the Tendou's Akane-san will cuddle me and take care of me as her little pet pig, which is pretty nice, to be honest. And hey! Now that you're out of the picture, I can make a serious effort to start dating her, right?"
Ranma shrugged. "Guess so."
I hate to admit it, but I've never been known for my patience. I threw my plate down with a clang.
"Goddammit Ranma! Snap out of it! You're whining even more than I ever do! You sound like a girl!"
That *almost* got a reaction. His head perked up, and he seemed to be seriously considering something.
"A girl, huh? You know, I never really thought about that. I've used my girl-side to get free eats before, maybe I can swing room and board the same way." He pondered.
I snorted. "You could, but you'd have to screw some guy before he'd let you move in."
Ranma's face screwed up in disgust. "EWW! Come on, man! Don't even talk about that!"
Helloooo reaction!
"I can just see you now, Ranma." I sneered. "Flat on your back with some big, hairy, middle-aged guy between your legs pumping away and sweating all over you."
Ranma got to his feet and put his hands over his ears. "Oh Gawd! Stop it!"
I pressed my advantage. "And why stop there? You can make some big money in the porno movie circuit. I hear sometimes they even make movies with dogs and horses involved."
Ranma spun back at me, pissed as hell. "That's it pork-boy! I'm a guy, dammit! You say one more word about it and I'm gonna to kick your ass from here to Okinawa!"
Funny, I thought I already was in Okinawa. Anyway, he said one more word, so I had to pick just the right one to put a suitable mental picture in his mind...
"Blowjob."
"ARRGH! You're gonna pay for that Bacon-breath!" He said as he attacked.
I grinned as I charged to meet him. This was more like it!
The fight lasted long. We smashed two trees, knocked over the rest of my rabbit into the dirt, and burned a Moukou Takabisha-sized hole in my tent, but all in all it was a lot of fun.
We both ended up lying on the ground panting for breath. I think I was the first one to start chuckling. Then he started a minute later. Pretty soon we were both laughing our respective asses off in the dirt near my destroyed campsite, and neither one of us was really sure just what was so funny.
When we eventually calmed down, Ranma looked over at me and grinned. "Thanks Ryouga. Guess I still got one friend left."
I snorted. "Friend? Me? You've gotta be kidding me! I've still gotta pay you back for dumping me in that spring. You got any idea how many people have tried to eat me? And to top it off, I can't even tell the girl I love about my curse because if I do she'll hate me forever. Plus I'm lost all the time. You think you've got problems? Screw you, you wuss!"
Ranma just started laughing again. "Maybe you're right. I mean, my appointment with my shrink is supposed to be tomorrow, and if I can get medication to keep this other me firmly stuck in the back of my head where he belongs, I shouldn't have any more problems. Come to think of it, Dr. Tofu would probably let me stay with him at least as long as I'm a patient. And most of the temples and dojos I visited with Pop said they'd always welcome a student of my talent, so it's not like I've really got no place to go."
I grunted. "See, you big whiner? Now me, I've got one or two places to go, but I can never get there. I think I've spent more time at the Tendou place in the last year than I have in my own house for the last three."
Ranma just grinned and shook his head. "You win, Ryouga. Your life is worse than mine. Tell you what though, let me sleep here tonight and tomorrow morning I'll drop you off at the dojo. How's that?"
"Really? Why're you being so nice all of a sudden?" I asked suspiciously. "Aren't you worried I'll sleep in Akane's bed again?"
Ranma seemed to think about that for a minute. "To tell the truth, Ryouga, she could do worse than you. I'm out of the picture for good, as far as that family is concerned. Akane hates my guts."
"She always hated your guts." I reminded him.
"Yeah, but now she really means it." He paused. "Do me a favour, will you? She'll probably want to tell P-chan what a bastard I've been. Try to keep in mind that it wasn't me, it was my evil personality. And also that she tends to exaggerate and think the worst of me. I don't think she really believes that I even have a split personality."
I mulled this over. I have to admit that Akane can be a little... enthusiastic at times. "I guess I can take what she says with a grain of salt. What did you do to her anyway? Is she just mad about the pictures you took of Nabiki?"
"It wasn't ME you idiot. And to answer your question... I kinda... slapped her."
"What!?!"
"Calm down! It's not like I beat the shit out of her or anything, but I basically shot her down in front of the whole school and told her that I wasn't going to put up with her using her hammer on my for things that aren't my fault."
I kinda grumbled about that for a minute, but it didn't sound so awful the way he told it. Not to mention I was too tired to start another fight just now. I couldn't work up the energy to stay pissed at him. I crawled over to tent (which now had two doors... great) and pulled out my ground sheet and sleeping bag.
"I only got one sleeping bag, but there's a blanket in here somewhere. It's not too cold out tonight anyway."
"That's fine. Thanks buddy."
"I an NOT your buddy!"
The jerk just laughed again. I swear one day I'm gonna pound his ass into the ground.
***
So, he dropped me off at the Tendou's front door, and after I turned to wave him goodbye, I crossed the street and was about to enter the gate when I noticed that this wasn't the Tendou place. Growling, I checked two doors to the left, then three to the right, then one more to the left (that gate looked familiar, for some reason). Now completely lost, I was forced to conclude the jerk had intentionally dropped me off at the wrong place. Maybe he wasn't so hot on the idea of me and Akane after all, the lying bastard! It took me another week to find the Tendou place on my own.
Before that, however, I'd wandered into a very lavish property that was filled with booby traps. Since I was a pig at the time, I managed to avoid most of them, as they were designed to catch humans. Trip wires are easy to see when they're at eye level, even after dark.
Hmm, should I tell you this part? I suppose it's all right. It's not like anyone else can or will tell you. My understanding is that Ranma couldn't remember anything from the times he spent in his vengeful persona, so it's only me and the Kunous who know about this, and I suspect both of them would rather swallow poison before admitting their part in it.
I'd just come to the conclusion that I was within the Kunou estate, when I spotted Ranma's female form talking to Kunou, thus confirming my location. The odd thing was, the girl-type Ranma seemed to be getting along fairly well with the love-struck moron. As a matter of fact, she seemed to be flirting with him.
This realization kinda stunned me, naturally, so I kinda lost track of them when the grinning Ranma-chan led a very excited Kunou inside the house. I found myself in the large kitchen, and was nearly trampled by Ranma-chan as she dashed in silently and dumped a prepared kettle over her head.
I gave a little squeal, to catch his attention.
Ranma blinked and looked down at me. "Well if it ain't P-chan! How come you're not at the Tendou Dojo? I only left you there two days ago."
I growled at him, or at least I tried to. A piglet's growl isn't all that intimidating.
"Well, I'd be happy to take you back, but I'm kinda in the middle of something right now."
I gave him a disapproving squeal.
Ranma blinked at me. "Huh? Oh wait. You thought I was serious before with Kunou? Get real! I'm straight! I'm here to get both of those lunatics back for all the shit they put me through!"
My eyes widened as comprehension dawned.
Ranma grinned nastily. "That's right piggy. I'm the evil Ranma. Not that these jerks don't deserve what I'm gonna do to them. You wanna watch? You might even get a kick out of it."
I mulled that over and then nodded. I remembered all the times Kunou had hassled Akane, and that time when Kodachi handcuffed me to Ranma-chan in the middle of a gymnastics match hadn't much endeared me to her either. As long as Ranma wasn't planning on killing them, I could stand to see them get a little of their own back.
Ranma grinned and scooped me up. "Okay Ryouga, the only way this is gonna work is if you never move from the spot where I put you down. Let me worry about moving you about. If you get lost I won't be able to take you back to the Tendou place tonight. Got it?"
I gave an affirmative squeal.
His grin turned nasty. "Good. Stage one began by interesting Kunou. Now it's Kodachi's turn."
He dashed down the hall to another elaborate room, where Kodachi sat waiting. He dropped me under a table before she could spot me in his hand.
"Ranma-sama! Did you find the bathroom alright?"
Apparently, he'd been bouncing back and forth between the psycho-siblings for a while now.
"No problem. I kinda missed you while I was gone. Is it strange to miss a person if you're only gone a few minutes?"
Kodachi blushed, and smiled demurely. "Oh, Ranma-sama. What a sweet thing to say. I'm delighted to hear you finally accepting my affections." She smiled.
Ranma kneeled next to her and took her hand. "Kodachi, my love, I've *always* been attracted to you. However, I'm officially engaged to marry that violent little thug Akane, and I live in her father's home. It would go very bad for me if I were to openly show my desires for you."
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi cried.
From my position under the side table, I could see the immense joy light her features. It was a bit surprising, to see how much she resembled a normal young girl in love. It occurred to me later, as I thought about the ethics of letting Ranma's evil half run wild, that the whole time he was with her, showing her the attention she craved, she behaved in a perfectly sane fashion. Oh, she was still speaking very formally, which isn't so odd in a girl of her wealth and station, but when not desperately seeking his attention, she was normal and healthy. I suppose it's like that old song 'all you need is love'.
Ranma held her close. "Until I can unravel the unfair obligations my father has heaped upon me, I will have to continue to avoid you in public, even though it breaks my heart to turn you away."
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi began to cry. "I hate this! Why can't you be with me?"
Ranma cupped her cheek in his hand. "One day it shall be so, but until then, I'm afraid I can only be your secret lover."
Kodachi smiled at him. "My secret lover? Who visits me only in the darkest hour of night? My, how romantic!"
Ranma lifted her chin and kissed her briefly. "If I await you in the first guest room, will you come to me under cover of darkness? Two bodies writhing together in passion... neither speaking a word for fear of being identified by the many ears in a large mansion... it's always been an erotic fantasy of mine when I dream of you, which is often." He grinned at her.
Kodachi's cheeks were bright pink as she smiled up at him. "Oh, my darling Ranma-sama... meet you I shall!"
Ranma rose and nodded. "Then I'll give you time to prepare... and Dachi-chan?"
"Yes my love?" She asked as she panted with desire.
He affected a shy smile. "Would you let your hair down for me? I've always wanted to run my fingers through your silken tresses."
Kodachi giggled slyly behind her hand. "Whatever you wish... my secret lover!"
Ranma grinned and dashed out of the room, subtlety snatching me up from my hiding place before she could notice.
Ranma dashed back to the kitchen and applied cold water. I couldn't fathom what he was planning. What could he possibly gain from seducing Kodachi?
Soon 'she' was zipping back to another room where Kunou was waiting. He rose immediately on her entrance, I was once again discreetly tossed out of sight before Kunou even looked up.
"Pig-tailed-girl!"
She smiled coyly at him. "I have returned to you, my noble lordling. I hope I did not keep you waiting too long."
"Each moment spent apart was torture itself. Still my joy at seeing you now overwhelms all pain of your prior absence!"
Ranma-chan giggled, with a hand over her mouth. It reminded me of how Kodachi had giggled just a minute ago. I later realized the resemblance was not accidental.
"Tatewaki-sama... finally I've managed to partially free myself from the enchantments of the vile sorceress to the east, who bound me to Saotome Ranma. I wish to assure you that he is not at fault, and merely took on the role of my protector, until such time as we could find the magic to separate us permanently. There are no romantic feelings at all between us two. He is more like an overprotective older brother who fears to let such a manly individual as yourself get too close to me. Thus he demands I refuse your affections, even if he is not there to witness it. He has cared for me well in recent years, so I've no wish to upset him. Still..."
Here Ranma-chan smiled coyly at the riveted Kunou. "I can hide my feelings for you no longer, Kunou-sama! I burn with passion for you."
"Pig-tailed-girl!" Kunou cried, attempting to sweep her into an embrace, but she darted out of his reach like a startled dear.
"Oh! Forgive me, my love, but though I long to be with you in the most intimate way..."
"The most... intimate way?" Kunou swallowed.
"... I remain an innocent and untouched maiden, shy beyond words." She turned her back to him, looking at me and rolling her eyes. "I do not wish to be a maiden any longer; I wish for you to be the one to make me a woman, but still the timidity of childhood restrains me."
Kunou trembled in excitement. "...Make you a woman?"
She turned back on him. "Please, my lord Kunou! Would you wait for me in the first guest room, bereft of clothing and with all the lights turned out? Let us be only two bodies writhing together in passion... neither speaking a word for fear of being identified by the many ears in a large mansion... it's always been an erotic fantasy of mine when I dream of you, which is often. I fear I am too shy to speak to you or look into your eyes while we enjoy such guilty pleasures. Please, my love! Shatter not my dreams! Say you will be there!"
"Not all the demons of hell could delay me even a moment, my beloved Pig-tailed-girl!" Kunou swore in a voice thick and husky with arousal.
She smiled at him once more. "Speaking of that, when I go to don something more appropriate (which I will likely have to borrow from your sister's things) I shall undo my pigtail and let my hair flow free, that you might run your strong fingers through my scarlet tresses. Would you like that, my lord?"
Steam was practically coming out of his ears. "It would please me to no end, my love!"
"Then go, and wait for me atop the bed, where I can find you in the total darkness of that room. Please say nothing, for I fear your manly voice might shatter my courage. Fear not though, my beloved, I shall be with you shortly." She giggled, again copying Kodachi's more subtle mannerisms.
Kunou nodded and bolted from the room.
Ranma-chan snorted and retrieved me from my hiding place. I really think that by then I should have figured out what he was up to, but it was so outrageous that my mind couldn't grasp it.
"Okay then Mr. P, let's go see if all my hard work bears fruit."
He took me to a place where he could enter the space above the ceiling, and we crawled about to a position above the aforementioned guestroom.
"I've had to get to know this place almost as well as their family ninja Sasuke." He explained in a whisper. He silently removed a panel from the ceiling of the darkened room, and we waited together. Soon, the door to the room opened, and we could see the silhouette of a young woman in negligee in the dim light of the hallway. Her hair hung loose down her shoulders, giving no hint of its usual style. I finally began to understand.
With her hair down, and in the poor light, there was no way to tell Kodachi from Ranma's girl form. He'd even come up with an excuse for Kunou to accept the fact that what she wore belonged to Kodachi, if her older brother had ever chanced to see the silk teddy before tonight. By swearing both to silence and insuring total darkness, there was no way for the Kunou siblings to recognize each other.
The door to the hall closed and the room became totally dark. We heard the sound of a body mounting the bed, and then silk on skin. When the small grunts and moans of passion had begun, Ranma silently replaced the ceiling panel and we made our silent way back to where we came in.
I think I was in shock, because I hardly noticed that Ranma had carried me out of the Kunou estate and into the street. It was only when he dropped me into the window of Akane's bedroom that I recovered my senses.
What Ranma had done was disgusting! It was unthinkable! It was scandalous! Who knew such an evil bastard had been lurking in the depths of Ranma's mind?
Akane came upstairs soon after and was delighted to find her P-chan there, but I couldn't shake the chill that had come over me enough to enjoy her usual affections. Long after she'd gone to sleep with me in her arms, I lay awake wondering what was to become of Ranma Saotome...
***
So, now that you know what Ranma's darker half did to Shampoo, I think you owe Ukyou an apology, don't you? And keep the Kunou incident to yourself. I don't know how far things went before they caught on, or even if they woke up next to each other when daylight came. Nor do I know how both their respectively delusional minds made any sense of the night before. I also don't want to know! Don't ask them. They don't deserve to have it publicly known. They sort of backed off and kept to themselves after that, though Kunou still attacked Ranma whenever he laid eyes on him. Akane was relived, I can tell you, though Nabiki was a little annoyed that Kunou no longer desired to by pictures of her younger sister or the pig-tailed-girl. Kodachi ran into the sane Ranma not long after, but she just stared at him for a while before walking away without a word.
As for Ranma, he went back to the Ucchan to find that Ukyou had forgiven him, and was actually apologizing to him for breaking her promise to forgive him if is vengeful persona hurt her. I gather there was a lot of tears and apologies and forgiveness in that conversation, but in the end she welcomed him back into the Ucchan for good.
Ranma got to his appointment on time, but the analysis by his shrink and the subsequent prescription to suppress his alter ego wasn't finished until a week later, which is why his evil half was still able to do that horrible thing to the Kunous. After that, he only had to go five days without turning on anybody before his medication could kick in and make him safe to be around. Unfortunately, his mother showed up in four days.
I think that's enough storytelling for today. I've gotta go around and say hi to the happy couple. Don't forget to apologize to Ukyou.
See ya around.
****
Next time:
Ranma's only days away from his cure, when his mother arrives! Will Ranma be able to keep his cool, or will he turn on his very own mother?!?
See you then!
-Ron Hino
C&C to hinoron@hotmail.com
Chapter Three
Wow... so today's my wedding day. It almost doesn't seem real. I guess I'm a little scared. Not that I'm gonna back out or anything. Ranchan and me have fought way too hard and suffered too much to give up now. We're getting married!
...Wow.
Huh? Tell you more of the story? Sure. I guess I've got time. Let's see... Ranma's vengeful persona came out twice; once to slap some sense into Akane and a second time to sell nude (and very graphic) pictures of Nabiki. The fourth time was when the Kunous....
Third time? Uh-uh Sugar. I don't even want to think about that. Not on my wedding day. It just hurts too much sometimes, and I get all depressed.
No, it wasn't me he turned on. I think he loved me even then, or at the very least trusted me. It was Shampoo who got it, in more than one sense.
Never mind. I said I wouldn't talk about it and I meant it! Today is my WEDDING DAY! Look! There's Ryouga. Go ask him! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Is this the Unryuu... you know, I don't think it is. This looks more like a wedding, and there's no giant pigs anywhere. You look kinda familiar too. Hey! I remember you! What are you doing in Hiroshima?
Nerima? Really? Who's getting married? Ranma and Ukyou? Well hey! I might just stick around to see that. Guess I shouldn't kick his ass at his own wedding though. It's a good thing I keep a tux in my pack for just such occasions. Hey, look over there. I see Ranma and Ukyou. How come she's crying? Is he glaring at you or at me? You? Good. Like I said, I'd hate to have to get in a fight with him on his wedding day. What'd you do to her anyway?
Oh, I see. She's been telling you about that time Ranma went crackers huh?
You asked her about Shampoo? Are you nuts! What kind of sick bastard are you!
Well... ok. I guess you had no way of knowing, and I know you're basically an alright person... more or less.
Huh? You want to know? I don't know if I should. It's not really my place... Well, yeah. You've got a point there. If you'd known before you wouldn't have brought it up today of all days. I guess I'll tell you. Just let me find a place to change. This way you say?
Hey, let go! I was going the way you said... I wasn't? Oh, sorry. Over here then? Right, right. That's where I meant... honest!
Okay then, now I don't look like a beggar at the Emperor's table. This collar sure is tight. Guess it's time to get a bigger one. I'm not quite 18 yet, after all; still got a bit of growing to do. Huh? Oh right, the thing with Shampoo. Personally, I don't know that Ranma wouldn't have done that even if he were in his right mind. He's a real jerk, you know. Hmm... guess I shouldn't say things like that at the guy's wedding. Anyhow, it went something like this...
***
News of Ranma's split personality disorder didn't make it to the Nekohanten, which was pretty stupid of Ranma and Ukyou if you ask me. The old woman's got her agenda, sure, but she probably could have gotten Shampoo to ease up a little for a while, even order her not to go near him if that's what it took. Shampoo would have listened then. Not liked it, obviously, but she would have obeyed.
Word that Ranma had moved in with Ukyou, on the other hand, did reach Shampoo when next she attempted to ambush Ranma for a date at the Tendou dojo. His not being there, naturally, was a surprise. Nor was it a particularly nice one. I think all she was told (or more likely, all she listened to) was that Ranma had slapped Akane and run off to Ukyou. This, naturally, did not put her in the best of moods. Sure she was glad to be rid of one rival, but why wouldn't he run to his 'Airen' if he needed a place to stay? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as Kunou would probably put it. She went straight to the Ucchan.
Why was it, she pondered as she ran across the rooftops, that Ranma always cringed away when she showed him affection? She knew she was far from hideous, so what was it about her that seemed to drive him away?
Others called her a bimbo for how she behaved with her Airen. What the hell was their problem? By the laws of the Joketsuzoku, she and Ranma were already married, so what was wrong with a wife trying to get her husband to consummate the marriage? Considering that they'd been 'married' for nearly a year (longer if you count her original defeat back in the village) it was in fact very odd and troubling that she and her Airen were not physical together. Shampoo knew couples back in the village who fought, and the first evidence of big trouble in their household was a husband sleeping outside at night. How bad then was Shampoo's marriage, where her husband had never come inside in the first place?
Actually, even thought the law officially recognized them as man and wife, there was a wedding ceremony that she was looking forward to. That didn't make them any less married (other than it reaffirmed the groom's commitment; Ranma was not the first outsider male to become confused when a defeated Amazon dropped her weapons and went for a liplock, though he was to-date the longest holdout). The Amazonian wedding ceremony merely confirmed the marriage much like a funeral confirms that a person is dead. Ceremony or not, married is married and dead is dead.
At any rate, Shampoo knew her marriage was in serious trouble, and was giving her all towards closing the rift between her and Ranma. Sex was an important part of any healthy marriage, especially a new one like theirs. So she flirted with him and flaunted her body as much as was publicly acceptable, in the hopes of getting him to accept her.
It should be noted that Shampoo's concept of what was publicly acceptable was a little broader than that of the typical city-dwelling Japanese.
***
Now Ranma and Ukyou had been having a fairly calm couple of days since he moved in. The most he had to deal with was guys at the school coming up to him to ask when the next series of Nabiki pictures were coming out. Since Ukyou was sticking to him like glue, they usually received a spatula to the head as a reply. The few who managed to avoid her ire spread the word that the answer was "never".
Other than that, Ranma was basically the hero of the campus for the next little while, and a lot of guys were slapping him on the shoulder and thanking him for what he did. Quite a lot of them had their debts to Nabiki cleared when he gave them her log book to burn. Not everybody escaped her clutches naturally, but they were no worse off than before, so they really couldn't complain.
At the Ucchan, Ranma-chan was working as a waitress, and apparently raking in the tips. This might have had something to do with the Pig-tailed-girl photo market suddenly drying up. There's an awful lot of weird guys at that school. They already know Ranma's really a guy. Don't they care about getting their heads kicked in if he catches them with the photos?
Whatever. The point is things were going pretty good for Ranma when Shampoo smashed the restaurant's door open, late one evening.
"Ranma! Why you stay here with Stupid Spatula Girl? You come stay at Nekohanten, yes?" She said, not even bothering with a 'nihao'.
"Sha-Shampoo! Um... Long time no see. Heh."
Ukyou was not impressed, with either the suggestion or the entrance. "HEY! Look at what you did to my door, you bimbo!" She snapped.
Shampoo just glared at her and glomped onto the nervous female Ranma in the kimono. "Why think Shampoo care about Stupid Spatula Girl door. Ucchan is competition to Nekohanten. No need bother be careful in this place."
"Why you little..." Ukyou growled, grabbing her big spatula and hopping over the counter. "Let him go!"
"Ranma is Shampoo Airen! Not yours! Ranma come stay at Nekohanten with Shampoo! Have futon for two all ready! Make big happy with Shampoo tonight!"
"Uh... uh... uh..." Ranma-chan's face went red and his linguistic skills dwindled away to nothing at the blatant suggestion. He held his arms wide to the side, not wanting to return the embrace, but not knowing what else to do with them.
"Keep your paws off my fiancé, you slut!" Ukyou snarled and swung with the spatula. Shampoo ducked; Ranma-chan wasn't so lucky.
WHAM! "Ack! Ranchan!"
"Stupid Spatula Girl learn not to strike Shampoo Airen!" Shampoo growled, if it's even possible to growl in that baby-doll voice of hers. She smashed a bonbori into Ukyou's stomach and sent her flying into the wall.
Now, lest you think otherwise, Ukyou's a pretty tough fighter, and can usually hold her own against Shampoo, but she got distracted worrying about Ranma-chan and the blow she'd accidentally knocked her. Ranma-chan was conscious, but on her knees holding her head. Since Ukyou'd left herself wide open, Shampoo's devastating strike hit with full force. The back of Ukyou's scull struck one of the support beams in the wall and knocked her out cold. If she'd the plaster, it would have just caved in and softened the blow, allowing her to get right back up and continue the fight.
Ranma-chan looked in horror at her unconscious fiancée. "Ucchan!"
"Leave Stupid Spatula Girl! Shampoo much better looking. Have better body and chest can actually see. Ranma want real girl for wife, yes? Spatula Girl only boy who no can pee standing." Shampoo remarked snidely. She turned up her nose at Ukyou's slumped form. Thus, she didn't notice how Ranma-chan was shaking with rage.
Ranma-chan stood up and smirked at the Amazon. "You have a point there, Shampoo. I guess if I want to spend time with someone really sexy, that'd be you, wouldn't it?"
Shampoo was a little shocked at finally getting some encouragement from Ranma, but covered it quickly with great enthusiasm.
"Aiya! Is so! Ranma come with Shampoo! Shampoo show how much she love Airen! We spend much time together at restaurant!"
Ranma drew closer and smiled coyly. "Hmm, yes indeed. You want to fuck me, don't you? Tonight?"
Shampoo blinked, not used to hearing her Airen speak this way. "Y-yes! Shampoo very much want get closer to her Airen. Shampoo do anything Airen want! You see! She make Airen very happy... tonight..." Shampoo's heart was beating fast in her chest. Ranma was finally ready to act like her husband, and she was getting nervous! What was wrong with her? "Yes. Tonight!" She said with renewed confidence.
Ranma-chan smirked. "I bet you will." She looked over at the unconscious chef. Her expression wavered. She turned back to Shampoo. "Just let me change and we'll go. I'll put her somewhere more comfortable and leave her a note to say where I've gone. She took good care of me after the Tendous threw me out. I owe her that much."
Shampoo mulled that over. She had Ranma all to herself now, she supposed she could afford to be a gracious winner. "Is ok. Shampoo wait here for you, yes?"
Ranma-chan smiled as she scooped up Ukyou. "That'd be great. Just wait right here and I'll be down in a minute. Then we'll go together."
Shampoo frowned briefly at the way her Airen held the Okonomiyaki chef, but reasoned there was nothing too affectionate about it. She smiled and nodded happily while Ranma-chan took Ukyou upstairs. When he came down again, he was in his male form and his own clothes. He grinned at her and put his arm around her waist.
"Okay, hot stuff! Let's get going."
Shampoo giggled and leaned against him. Ranma turned the sign around to 'closed' and walked away with Shampoo without a backward glance.
Ukyou woke up on her own futon an hour later. She took a minute to figure out how she'd gotten there. Ranma must have carried her up here, she thought. The warm feeling she got from his consideration soured somewhat was she remembered Shampoo. She noticed that she was as properly put to bed as could be expected. Tossing back the comforter she saw that her clothes had been loosened so that she could be comfortable, even the bindings on her breasts. Nothing had been removed however (same old shy Ranchan). She looked at the clock and noted that it was well past closing time, so Ranma was probably asleep in his own room. She got up to change into her normal nightwear before going back to sleep.
On the dresser was a folded note with her name on it.
Dear Ukyou,
Rest well, and take care of yourself. You know what the symptoms
of a concussion are like, I'm sure. If you think you have one,
go to Dr. Tofu's first thing in the morning. I'm going to give
that Chinese whore what's coming to her. I'll be back either
late tonight or tomorrow morning, so don't worry if I'm not there
when you wake up.
Love Ranma.
Ukyou felt a cold dread seep into her bones as she read the note. By the way he referred to Shampoo, it was obviously the vengeful Ranma that had written it. Her worry about what was going to happen stole away any joy at the affectionate concern Ranma showed for in the letter.
What was going to happen that night? And was it concern for the Amazon that made her blood run cold, or was it concern for Ranchan when he 'woke up'?
***
Not long before she normally rose each morning, Elder Cologne of the Joketsuzoku was brought abruptly awake by a shrill scream of agony. She bolted from her room and burst into her great-grandaughter's. Shampoo was curled up naked atop her bedding, sobbing her heart out as she clutched a sheet of paper in her hand.
Mousse was inside only a moment after the matriarch. "Shampoo! What's-- Ack!"
Knocking the blind fool outside (figures he'd have his glasses on the one time he could get an eyeful of Shampoo) Cologne slammed the door shut. "You will wait outside Mousse! That is an order!" She snapped.
Turning back to Shampoo she slid down her staff and moved to comfort her great-granddaughter. "Shampoo, what is it? Where is Son-in-law?"
The devastated Amazon could only shake her head as she sobbed. Cologne gently eased the paper out of her hand and read it.
To Shampoo
Gotta admit you're a great lay. Your money's on the dresser. Just in
case you're wondering, I've never had any intention of marrying you, and
still don't. Drag your slutty ass back to China and leave me alone. If
you need travel money you can probably make enough by waiting around by
the docks. Here's a little life lesson so you can't say I never gave you
anything:
Act like a whore, and you get treated like one.
Bie lao, slut.
-Ranma
Feeling numb, Cologne glanced toward Shampoo's dresser where, sure enough, lay a 5000-yen bill.
"He even underpaid." She muttered in disbelief. Even a marginally good-looking 'working girl' in Tokyo could sell her virtue for almost twice that much.
Ignoring, for the moment, the sobbing girl on the floor, the matriarch stared numbly at the open window and let the horrible note slip from her fingers.
"Son-in-law, what in the name of all the gods have you done?"
***
Ukyou had slept poorly, and when her alarm went off she immediately went to Ranma's room. She was relieved to find him there, sleeping sloppily with the covers half-off him like usual.
"Ranma!" She shook him awake. "Ranma!"
Snort. "Uh? Whassit? Ukyou? 'ssit mornin' already?" He mumbled groggily. Then he noticed that Ukyou's pajamas came pretty together pretty low in the front, especially if she was leaning forward like she was now. His eyes went wide...
"Ranma, what happened last night? What did you do to Sham..." She trailed off as she noted that he didn't seem to be listening to her, and wasn't looking her in the eye either. She glanced down and blushed as she leaned back and flattened her pajama top against her body again. "Um... sorry."
She noted that Ranma hadn't moved, and in fact appeared quite frozen. She had to giggle. "I guess I don't need to ask if you're my Ranchan or not, huh?"
"Um... what?" He shook himself out of it.
Ukyou became serious. "Ranchan, do you know what happened last night?"
"No... Wait, you don't think I had another little 'episode' do you?" He asked, his eyes filled with worry.
Ukyou nodded. "I'm pretty sure you did. Shampoo came by and knocked me unconscious."
"I think I remember that part..."
"Yeah, but when I woke up you'd put me to bed and left a note saying you were going to 'give her what's coming to her'. You must have come back some time in the night."
Ranma put his head in his hands. "Aw no! Not Shampoo too!"
***
"Matriarch! What's wrong with Shampoo? Tell me, please!" Mousse called franticly from outside the door.
Cologne weighed her options carefully, then slipped outside the door and wordlessly handed the male Amazon Ranma's note.
Mousse began to quiver in rage as he read...
"By our laws, it is Shampoo whose task it is to avenge this grave dishonor with Saotome's blood, but... she loved him deeply and truly. It is a heavy task to put upon her shoulders when there are others who would gladly take up her burden. Wouldn't you agree, Mousse?"
The near-blind boy raised his head, and the two shared a grim look of cold fury...
***
Ranma and Ukyou walked to school in a state of considerable depression. They knew something awful had happened to Shampoo last night, and the repercussions would surely find him in short order.
Sure enough, Mousse was waiting by the front gate. Somewhere further behind him, Akane and Nabiki were watching with a sort of grim curiosity.
"Uh... Hi Mousse. What's up?" Ranma asked nervously.
"Saotome..." Mousse began in a frighteningly calm voice. "For some time now, I have been angered and frustrated by the disrespectful way you have treated my Shampoo." The master of hidden weapons held his shaking fists at his sides. "But last night was the final straw! The greatest possible insult! Before today I would have been content merely to defeat you to end your hold over Shampoo, but no more! Only your demise will satisfy me now, and not even Shampoo will hold it against me! DIE YOU ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!!!" He roared as he reached into his sleeves and brought forth a hail of deadly weaponry.
Ranma gave Ukyou a hard shove to the right to get her out of the way, before leaping to his own safety.
"Mousse calm down! It ain't like you think!" Ranma protested as he strove furiously to defend himself. He noted with some dread that the weapons Mousse was using today were all bladed and honed to a razor edge. Before today, Mousse had always employed weighted chains, or steel with the edges blunted.
Not today. Today Mousse was entirely serious about seeking Ranma's bloody end. All his weapons were deadly real; a single slip would mean the end of Ranma Saotome. The farsighted boy's style itself was similarly focused with lethal intent.
Ukyou watched in horror, knowing that she could not compete at Mousse's level of combat. To enter the fray would be incredibly dangerous. Worse, Ranma would then have to worry about defending her in addition to himself; a distraction he could ill afford.
She looked about frantically for some means of Ranma's salvation, and found only Cologne perched silently atop her staff, watching the fight in grim silence.
"Old woman! You have to stop him!" She cried.
The old woman fixed her with a stare. "Why would I?"
The look chilled Ukyou to the bone. Always before, Ukyou had seen the old woman look at Ranma with the reluctant amusement one held for a disobedient, but much-loved child. Her expression now as she turned back to the fight was of the sort one reserved for a disgusting insect.
Ukyou swallowed and tried again in her most respectful tone. "Elder Cologne, I don't know what occurred last night, but Ranma was not at fault!"
"How can you possibly ask me to believe that?"
"Ranma's suffering from a split-personality disorder. He's developed this other persona that goes around seeking vengeance against anyone who's hurt him in the past. When he woke up this morning, he had no memory of what happened the night before. We're still waiting to get him treatment. Please! Whatever that other Ranma did to Shampoo, *this* Ranma's not to blame!"
Cologne turned slowly to look into Ukyou's desperate eyes. She looked older than Ukyou had ever seen her, as if she had suddenly gained all the weakness and fragility of her 300+ years.
"Is this... true?"
Ukyou nodded quickly. "You can ask Dr. Tofu to confirm it. Think about it. Can you honestly believe Ranchan would really do... whatever it was he did?"
Cologne frowned in thought. "It does seem unlike him..." She looked at the enraged assault Mousse waged on Ranma, then glanced back sadly in the direction of the Nekohanten. "However, I don't believe there's any way to recover from the damage that was done."
Ukyou swallowed, risking a nervous glance at her fiancée. "What... what exactly did the other Ranma do? He can't even remember it himself."
Cologne looked the Kuonji girl over carefully, as if reluctant to accept the girl's sincerity. Eventually, she wordlessly pulled a sheet of paper from her robes and handed it to Ukyou...
This was the hardest fight Ranma could remember in a long time. It took every trick he knew to bring the livid Mousse down. Fortunately, Mousse was far too incensed to recognize the Hiryuushotenha being formed around him, and a huge tornado carried him high into the sky, buffeting him with its fierce winds before slamming him into the ground. Ranma almost feinted in shock when Mousse began to get up again, but quickly jumped on the boy and slammed his head repeatedly into the ground until he stopped moving.
Exhausted and frustrated at the duck-boy's reluctance to accept unconsciousness, Ranma staggered over to where Ukyou stood beside the old ghoul, reading a note.
"Geez he was worked up! Hey Ucchan, did you explain how whatever I did to Shampoo wasn't my fault yet?"
Ukyou did not respond, continuing to look down at the note.
"Ucchan? What's that there?"
Ukyou finally raised her eyes and looked at him with an expression of such hurt betrayal that he flinched back a step.
"How could you..." She said, as tears began pouring down her face. "How could you do this?"
"Ucchan?" Ranma said in confusion.
Ukyou dropped the note and dashed forward, slapping him hard across the face. "Ranma Saotome, I hate you!" She cried as she ran off sobbing.
Cologne watched with morbid curiosity as Ranma stood there in shock for almost a full minute, before slowly reaching down to pick up the paper that Ukyou had dropped. The Matriarch saw his eyes widen in horror as he read it and understood.
"Oh God..." he muttered softly. As the full measure of what had happened, and all the significance of Ukyou's response, reached him, Ranma collapsed to the ground, curling up into a ball as he began to cry in the middle of the street. Cologne watched him silently; the proud warrior brought low. Akane and Nabiki glanced at each other, and coldly turned and left him where he lay. Other students arriving late gave him wide birth, not wanting any part of him or the large crater where the unconscious Mousse lay.
The bell had rung and the school gates closed before he had cried himself out. He rose slowly and looked miserably at Cologne, who was still watching him silently.
"So what are you going to do now?" He asked bitterly.
Cologne considered that for a minute. "For what you have done, Amazon law requires you to be put to death in a rather unpleasant way. However, considering this whole split-personality business, which in no way forgives the harm you've done, I think it more fitting to leave you alive to suffer the consequences of your own actions."
Ranma nodded slowly. "Some things are worse than death, I suppose. I almost wish I was dead now, considering how miserable I feel."
Cologne nodded. "Then it is a just punishment. You have destroyed any possible chance of a happy marriage with my great-granddaughter. We will leave soon, to return for China."
"What's going to happen to her now?" Ranma asked, a slight amount of concern creeping into his voice.
Cologne grimaced at the thought. "She can still live a fairly respectable life in our village, though the next year will be hard for her. As well, a stain on her honor of this magnitude practically erases any hopes I had of her succeeding me as Matriarch."
"I'm sorry."
Cologne looked at him carefully. "I believe you are sincere in that. That is one of the only reasons I am leaving you alive."
Ranma snorted. "Don't act like you're doing me any favors. It's probably a moot point anyway. Soon as my mother gets wind of this mess, I'll be on my knees slicing my own belly open."
Cologne nodded grimly. "Then your suffering will not be too long. For what it's worth, Son-in... Ranma... I will miss you. I've had more fun playing with you here in Japan than in the last 100 years back in the village."
Ranma gave her a weak smile. "You were kinda growing on me a bit too... grandma."
Cologne snorted. "*Now* he shows some respect. Farewell, Ranma Saotome."
Ranma nodded. "Sayonara, Elder."
Ranma watched morosely as the ancient Amazon pogoed away on her staff, then turned to the school. He glanced at the locked gates, easily surmountable for one such as him. He considered them a minute, the turned and walked away down the street. He noticed he still held the awful note in one hand. He crumpled it up to throw it away, but hesitated. Things were bad enough without someone finding the note and spreading the news around. He crumpled it up and put it in his pocket, until he could find a trash can.
He was halfway back to the Ucchan when he realized he had no business being there anymore. Ukyou had said she hated him, and the funny thing was, he didn't blame her at all. If anyone he cared about as deeply as she had said she did for him betrayed her like this... well, maybe he could forgive them eventually, *maybe*, but that didn't mean he had any right to expect her to.
Ranma came to the unsettling realization that he had nowhere to go. His alter ego had cost him everything. The Tendou dojo, Ucchan's, the Nekohanten... He would never again be welcome in any of those places again. He was homeless, and friendless. Even his mother's house (not that he knew where it was) was too dangerous to go to, if for different reasons altogether.
Feeling lonelier than ever before in his life, Ranma picked a direction at random and started walking. When you have nowhere to go, anywhere is better than here.
Which is how the jerk ended up at my campsite. I don't know how he managed to get all the way to the Okinawa Islands in one night, but that's where I was (at least I think so, there weren't as many palm trees in the Okinawa forests as in the tourism ads) and he was there. He just wandered in while I was cooking a rabbit on the campfire.
I was a bit surprised to see him, but I immediately jumped up to attack him like I always do whenever I see him. He didn't say anything when I said it was for Akane, he just looked sadly at me and let my nail him one right in the face. Considering that he's usually harder to nail down than mayonnaise to a wall, this kinda took me by surprise.
"What kind of pathetic defense is that?" I yelled at him.
"I don't care." He mumbled from where he was laying. "Hit me all you like. You can even break my neck if it suits you."
This was beginning to weird me out, and no way was I going to take my much-deserved revenge if he wasn't even going to fight back (hardly any fun that way, is it?)
I think I just kinda stared at him for a while, then I dragged him over to the campfire and gave him some of my rabbit. For someone who usually eats like a starving wolf, he barely touched his bit. I don't think I've ever seen him that depressed, before or since. I found myself wondering if I look like that when I'm brooding. It wasn't the most inspiring thought.
"Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?" I finally asked.
"How long you got?" He muttered.
I just raised an eyebrow and looked up at the sky. The sun had set just a couple of hours ago. "All night I suppose."
So he sighed and, very reluctantly, told me all about his split personality, and all the damage it had done, leaving him homeless and friendless. Actually, I found out later that he'd skipped over the part about Akane, but I guess he thought I wouldn't stay quiet long enough to hear the rest if he did. He was probably right too.
"So you've finally gone nuts, huh?" I joked, trying to get a rise out of him. It didn't do a damn thing.
"Pretty much." He mumbled. "Guess I'll just end up wandering around like you do, living off the land, far away from people so that I don't hurt nobody. Just me, all by myself... all alone..."
There was something very depressing about how he described his intended life, especially the part where he compared it to mine. I REALLY needed to get a rise out of him, before he got us both throwing Shishihoukoudans all over my nice campsite.
"Well, I'm not as bad off as you. As soon as I get back to the Tendou's Akane-san will cuddle me and take care of me as her little pet pig, which is pretty nice, to be honest. And hey! Now that you're out of the picture, I can make a serious effort to start dating her, right?"
Ranma shrugged. "Guess so."
I hate to admit it, but I've never been known for my patience. I threw my plate down with a clang.
"Goddammit Ranma! Snap out of it! You're whining even more than I ever do! You sound like a girl!"
That *almost* got a reaction. His head perked up, and he seemed to be seriously considering something.
"A girl, huh? You know, I never really thought about that. I've used my girl-side to get free eats before, maybe I can swing room and board the same way." He pondered.
I snorted. "You could, but you'd have to screw some guy before he'd let you move in."
Ranma's face screwed up in disgust. "EWW! Come on, man! Don't even talk about that!"
Helloooo reaction!
"I can just see you now, Ranma." I sneered. "Flat on your back with some big, hairy, middle-aged guy between your legs pumping away and sweating all over you."
Ranma got to his feet and put his hands over his ears. "Oh Gawd! Stop it!"
I pressed my advantage. "And why stop there? You can make some big money in the porno movie circuit. I hear sometimes they even make movies with dogs and horses involved."
Ranma spun back at me, pissed as hell. "That's it pork-boy! I'm a guy, dammit! You say one more word about it and I'm gonna to kick your ass from here to Okinawa!"
Funny, I thought I already was in Okinawa. Anyway, he said one more word, so I had to pick just the right one to put a suitable mental picture in his mind...
"Blowjob."
"ARRGH! You're gonna pay for that Bacon-breath!" He said as he attacked.
I grinned as I charged to meet him. This was more like it!
The fight lasted long. We smashed two trees, knocked over the rest of my rabbit into the dirt, and burned a Moukou Takabisha-sized hole in my tent, but all in all it was a lot of fun.
We both ended up lying on the ground panting for breath. I think I was the first one to start chuckling. Then he started a minute later. Pretty soon we were both laughing our respective asses off in the dirt near my destroyed campsite, and neither one of us was really sure just what was so funny.
When we eventually calmed down, Ranma looked over at me and grinned. "Thanks Ryouga. Guess I still got one friend left."
I snorted. "Friend? Me? You've gotta be kidding me! I've still gotta pay you back for dumping me in that spring. You got any idea how many people have tried to eat me? And to top it off, I can't even tell the girl I love about my curse because if I do she'll hate me forever. Plus I'm lost all the time. You think you've got problems? Screw you, you wuss!"
Ranma just started laughing again. "Maybe you're right. I mean, my appointment with my shrink is supposed to be tomorrow, and if I can get medication to keep this other me firmly stuck in the back of my head where he belongs, I shouldn't have any more problems. Come to think of it, Dr. Tofu would probably let me stay with him at least as long as I'm a patient. And most of the temples and dojos I visited with Pop said they'd always welcome a student of my talent, so it's not like I've really got no place to go."
I grunted. "See, you big whiner? Now me, I've got one or two places to go, but I can never get there. I think I've spent more time at the Tendou place in the last year than I have in my own house for the last three."
Ranma just grinned and shook his head. "You win, Ryouga. Your life is worse than mine. Tell you what though, let me sleep here tonight and tomorrow morning I'll drop you off at the dojo. How's that?"
"Really? Why're you being so nice all of a sudden?" I asked suspiciously. "Aren't you worried I'll sleep in Akane's bed again?"
Ranma seemed to think about that for a minute. "To tell the truth, Ryouga, she could do worse than you. I'm out of the picture for good, as far as that family is concerned. Akane hates my guts."
"She always hated your guts." I reminded him.
"Yeah, but now she really means it." He paused. "Do me a favour, will you? She'll probably want to tell P-chan what a bastard I've been. Try to keep in mind that it wasn't me, it was my evil personality. And also that she tends to exaggerate and think the worst of me. I don't think she really believes that I even have a split personality."
I mulled this over. I have to admit that Akane can be a little... enthusiastic at times. "I guess I can take what she says with a grain of salt. What did you do to her anyway? Is she just mad about the pictures you took of Nabiki?"
"It wasn't ME you idiot. And to answer your question... I kinda... slapped her."
"What!?!"
"Calm down! It's not like I beat the shit out of her or anything, but I basically shot her down in front of the whole school and told her that I wasn't going to put up with her using her hammer on my for things that aren't my fault."
I kinda grumbled about that for a minute, but it didn't sound so awful the way he told it. Not to mention I was too tired to start another fight just now. I couldn't work up the energy to stay pissed at him. I crawled over to tent (which now had two doors... great) and pulled out my ground sheet and sleeping bag.
"I only got one sleeping bag, but there's a blanket in here somewhere. It's not too cold out tonight anyway."
"That's fine. Thanks buddy."
"I an NOT your buddy!"
The jerk just laughed again. I swear one day I'm gonna pound his ass into the ground.
***
So, he dropped me off at the Tendou's front door, and after I turned to wave him goodbye, I crossed the street and was about to enter the gate when I noticed that this wasn't the Tendou place. Growling, I checked two doors to the left, then three to the right, then one more to the left (that gate looked familiar, for some reason). Now completely lost, I was forced to conclude the jerk had intentionally dropped me off at the wrong place. Maybe he wasn't so hot on the idea of me and Akane after all, the lying bastard! It took me another week to find the Tendou place on my own.
Before that, however, I'd wandered into a very lavish property that was filled with booby traps. Since I was a pig at the time, I managed to avoid most of them, as they were designed to catch humans. Trip wires are easy to see when they're at eye level, even after dark.
Hmm, should I tell you this part? I suppose it's all right. It's not like anyone else can or will tell you. My understanding is that Ranma couldn't remember anything from the times he spent in his vengeful persona, so it's only me and the Kunous who know about this, and I suspect both of them would rather swallow poison before admitting their part in it.
I'd just come to the conclusion that I was within the Kunou estate, when I spotted Ranma's female form talking to Kunou, thus confirming my location. The odd thing was, the girl-type Ranma seemed to be getting along fairly well with the love-struck moron. As a matter of fact, she seemed to be flirting with him.
This realization kinda stunned me, naturally, so I kinda lost track of them when the grinning Ranma-chan led a very excited Kunou inside the house. I found myself in the large kitchen, and was nearly trampled by Ranma-chan as she dashed in silently and dumped a prepared kettle over her head.
I gave a little squeal, to catch his attention.
Ranma blinked and looked down at me. "Well if it ain't P-chan! How come you're not at the Tendou Dojo? I only left you there two days ago."
I growled at him, or at least I tried to. A piglet's growl isn't all that intimidating.
"Well, I'd be happy to take you back, but I'm kinda in the middle of something right now."
I gave him a disapproving squeal.
Ranma blinked at me. "Huh? Oh wait. You thought I was serious before with Kunou? Get real! I'm straight! I'm here to get both of those lunatics back for all the shit they put me through!"
My eyes widened as comprehension dawned.
Ranma grinned nastily. "That's right piggy. I'm the evil Ranma. Not that these jerks don't deserve what I'm gonna do to them. You wanna watch? You might even get a kick out of it."
I mulled that over and then nodded. I remembered all the times Kunou had hassled Akane, and that time when Kodachi handcuffed me to Ranma-chan in the middle of a gymnastics match hadn't much endeared me to her either. As long as Ranma wasn't planning on killing them, I could stand to see them get a little of their own back.
Ranma grinned and scooped me up. "Okay Ryouga, the only way this is gonna work is if you never move from the spot where I put you down. Let me worry about moving you about. If you get lost I won't be able to take you back to the Tendou place tonight. Got it?"
I gave an affirmative squeal.
His grin turned nasty. "Good. Stage one began by interesting Kunou. Now it's Kodachi's turn."
He dashed down the hall to another elaborate room, where Kodachi sat waiting. He dropped me under a table before she could spot me in his hand.
"Ranma-sama! Did you find the bathroom alright?"
Apparently, he'd been bouncing back and forth between the psycho-siblings for a while now.
"No problem. I kinda missed you while I was gone. Is it strange to miss a person if you're only gone a few minutes?"
Kodachi blushed, and smiled demurely. "Oh, Ranma-sama. What a sweet thing to say. I'm delighted to hear you finally accepting my affections." She smiled.
Ranma kneeled next to her and took her hand. "Kodachi, my love, I've *always* been attracted to you. However, I'm officially engaged to marry that violent little thug Akane, and I live in her father's home. It would go very bad for me if I were to openly show my desires for you."
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi cried.
From my position under the side table, I could see the immense joy light her features. It was a bit surprising, to see how much she resembled a normal young girl in love. It occurred to me later, as I thought about the ethics of letting Ranma's evil half run wild, that the whole time he was with her, showing her the attention she craved, she behaved in a perfectly sane fashion. Oh, she was still speaking very formally, which isn't so odd in a girl of her wealth and station, but when not desperately seeking his attention, she was normal and healthy. I suppose it's like that old song 'all you need is love'.
Ranma held her close. "Until I can unravel the unfair obligations my father has heaped upon me, I will have to continue to avoid you in public, even though it breaks my heart to turn you away."
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi began to cry. "I hate this! Why can't you be with me?"
Ranma cupped her cheek in his hand. "One day it shall be so, but until then, I'm afraid I can only be your secret lover."
Kodachi smiled at him. "My secret lover? Who visits me only in the darkest hour of night? My, how romantic!"
Ranma lifted her chin and kissed her briefly. "If I await you in the first guest room, will you come to me under cover of darkness? Two bodies writhing together in passion... neither speaking a word for fear of being identified by the many ears in a large mansion... it's always been an erotic fantasy of mine when I dream of you, which is often." He grinned at her.
Kodachi's cheeks were bright pink as she smiled up at him. "Oh, my darling Ranma-sama... meet you I shall!"
Ranma rose and nodded. "Then I'll give you time to prepare... and Dachi-chan?"
"Yes my love?" She asked as she panted with desire.
He affected a shy smile. "Would you let your hair down for me? I've always wanted to run my fingers through your silken tresses."
Kodachi giggled slyly behind her hand. "Whatever you wish... my secret lover!"
Ranma grinned and dashed out of the room, subtlety snatching me up from my hiding place before she could notice.
Ranma dashed back to the kitchen and applied cold water. I couldn't fathom what he was planning. What could he possibly gain from seducing Kodachi?
Soon 'she' was zipping back to another room where Kunou was waiting. He rose immediately on her entrance, I was once again discreetly tossed out of sight before Kunou even looked up.
"Pig-tailed-girl!"
She smiled coyly at him. "I have returned to you, my noble lordling. I hope I did not keep you waiting too long."
"Each moment spent apart was torture itself. Still my joy at seeing you now overwhelms all pain of your prior absence!"
Ranma-chan giggled, with a hand over her mouth. It reminded me of how Kodachi had giggled just a minute ago. I later realized the resemblance was not accidental.
"Tatewaki-sama... finally I've managed to partially free myself from the enchantments of the vile sorceress to the east, who bound me to Saotome Ranma. I wish to assure you that he is not at fault, and merely took on the role of my protector, until such time as we could find the magic to separate us permanently. There are no romantic feelings at all between us two. He is more like an overprotective older brother who fears to let such a manly individual as yourself get too close to me. Thus he demands I refuse your affections, even if he is not there to witness it. He has cared for me well in recent years, so I've no wish to upset him. Still..."
Here Ranma-chan smiled coyly at the riveted Kunou. "I can hide my feelings for you no longer, Kunou-sama! I burn with passion for you."
"Pig-tailed-girl!" Kunou cried, attempting to sweep her into an embrace, but she darted out of his reach like a startled dear.
"Oh! Forgive me, my love, but though I long to be with you in the most intimate way..."
"The most... intimate way?" Kunou swallowed.
"... I remain an innocent and untouched maiden, shy beyond words." She turned her back to him, looking at me and rolling her eyes. "I do not wish to be a maiden any longer; I wish for you to be the one to make me a woman, but still the timidity of childhood restrains me."
Kunou trembled in excitement. "...Make you a woman?"
She turned back on him. "Please, my lord Kunou! Would you wait for me in the first guest room, bereft of clothing and with all the lights turned out? Let us be only two bodies writhing together in passion... neither speaking a word for fear of being identified by the many ears in a large mansion... it's always been an erotic fantasy of mine when I dream of you, which is often. I fear I am too shy to speak to you or look into your eyes while we enjoy such guilty pleasures. Please, my love! Shatter not my dreams! Say you will be there!"
"Not all the demons of hell could delay me even a moment, my beloved Pig-tailed-girl!" Kunou swore in a voice thick and husky with arousal.
She smiled at him once more. "Speaking of that, when I go to don something more appropriate (which I will likely have to borrow from your sister's things) I shall undo my pigtail and let my hair flow free, that you might run your strong fingers through my scarlet tresses. Would you like that, my lord?"
Steam was practically coming out of his ears. "It would please me to no end, my love!"
"Then go, and wait for me atop the bed, where I can find you in the total darkness of that room. Please say nothing, for I fear your manly voice might shatter my courage. Fear not though, my beloved, I shall be with you shortly." She giggled, again copying Kodachi's more subtle mannerisms.
Kunou nodded and bolted from the room.
Ranma-chan snorted and retrieved me from my hiding place. I really think that by then I should have figured out what he was up to, but it was so outrageous that my mind couldn't grasp it.
"Okay then Mr. P, let's go see if all my hard work bears fruit."
He took me to a place where he could enter the space above the ceiling, and we crawled about to a position above the aforementioned guestroom.
"I've had to get to know this place almost as well as their family ninja Sasuke." He explained in a whisper. He silently removed a panel from the ceiling of the darkened room, and we waited together. Soon, the door to the room opened, and we could see the silhouette of a young woman in negligee in the dim light of the hallway. Her hair hung loose down her shoulders, giving no hint of its usual style. I finally began to understand.
With her hair down, and in the poor light, there was no way to tell Kodachi from Ranma's girl form. He'd even come up with an excuse for Kunou to accept the fact that what she wore belonged to Kodachi, if her older brother had ever chanced to see the silk teddy before tonight. By swearing both to silence and insuring total darkness, there was no way for the Kunou siblings to recognize each other.
The door to the hall closed and the room became totally dark. We heard the sound of a body mounting the bed, and then silk on skin. When the small grunts and moans of passion had begun, Ranma silently replaced the ceiling panel and we made our silent way back to where we came in.
I think I was in shock, because I hardly noticed that Ranma had carried me out of the Kunou estate and into the street. It was only when he dropped me into the window of Akane's bedroom that I recovered my senses.
What Ranma had done was disgusting! It was unthinkable! It was scandalous! Who knew such an evil bastard had been lurking in the depths of Ranma's mind?
Akane came upstairs soon after and was delighted to find her P-chan there, but I couldn't shake the chill that had come over me enough to enjoy her usual affections. Long after she'd gone to sleep with me in her arms, I lay awake wondering what was to become of Ranma Saotome...
***
So, now that you know what Ranma's darker half did to Shampoo, I think you owe Ukyou an apology, don't you? And keep the Kunou incident to yourself. I don't know how far things went before they caught on, or even if they woke up next to each other when daylight came. Nor do I know how both their respectively delusional minds made any sense of the night before. I also don't want to know! Don't ask them. They don't deserve to have it publicly known. They sort of backed off and kept to themselves after that, though Kunou still attacked Ranma whenever he laid eyes on him. Akane was relived, I can tell you, though Nabiki was a little annoyed that Kunou no longer desired to by pictures of her younger sister or the pig-tailed-girl. Kodachi ran into the sane Ranma not long after, but she just stared at him for a while before walking away without a word.
As for Ranma, he went back to the Ucchan to find that Ukyou had forgiven him, and was actually apologizing to him for breaking her promise to forgive him if is vengeful persona hurt her. I gather there was a lot of tears and apologies and forgiveness in that conversation, but in the end she welcomed him back into the Ucchan for good.
Ranma got to his appointment on time, but the analysis by his shrink and the subsequent prescription to suppress his alter ego wasn't finished until a week later, which is why his evil half was still able to do that horrible thing to the Kunous. After that, he only had to go five days without turning on anybody before his medication could kick in and make him safe to be around. Unfortunately, his mother showed up in four days.
I think that's enough storytelling for today. I've gotta go around and say hi to the happy couple. Don't forget to apologize to Ukyou.
See ya around.
****
Next time:
Ranma's only days away from his cure, when his mother arrives! Will Ranma be able to keep his cool, or will he turn on his very own mother?!?
See you then!
-Ron Hino
C&C to hinoron@hotmail.com