Title: Strange Bedfellows: A Comedy of Assumptions
Author: Mad Maudlin
Email: mekamorph@yahoo.com
Catergory: Humor, and a little romance
Keywords: Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, slash, 5th year
Rating: PG-13.
Spoilers: Teensy ones for Book Four, microscopic one for Book Two
Summary: Murder, mayhem, madness and Malfoy! Harry and Hermione face down an unexpected conspiracy, a possible nefarious plot, wild rumors and much, much worse to save their best friend from a terrible fate...right?

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

In other words, they're not mine; talk to the nice Scottish lady.

A/N: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! This fic contains SLASH (male-on-male) SITUATIONS! Boys kiss boys! Boys do a lot more than kiss boys! It's SLASH! If this is the sort of thing that might offend you, do not read any further! I have a right to speak freely, but you have a right not to listen. So exercise your "Back" button! Bill put 'em there for something...

A/N 2: More notes at the end. Don't want to give away anything.

Strange Bedfellows:

A Comedy of Assumptions

by Mad Maudlin

10 / The Naked Truth

Professor Sinistra seemed a bit off during that particular lesson, perhaps because she kept staring furiously at Harry and Hermione. She insisted that they sit on the other side of the room from Ron, and made several excuses to stand near them and look over their shoulders as they took notes. Ron eyed this all curiously from seat between Seamus and Kevin Entwhistle, despite Harry's frequent reminders that they weren't trying to kill him. At least they were all on speaking terms again, after Harry had given him Malfoy's re-folded note and thirty Galleons, and apologized about Eloise Midgen. This, in Hermione's mind, was a Good Thing; later on, she'd be able to explain the Brilliant Plan, and he would be eternally grateful and might even kiss her...

"But I don't want to be kissed," she whispered sternly under her breath. "or at least, not by him, because he's my best friend and I don't like him that—Harry, what is it?"

He pointed at Sinistra, who had stopped lecturing again to stare at her, then to four large words printed on top of his notebook: YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN. She glared and resumed taking notes, trying to ignore the speculative leers she was getting from Stephen Cornfoot. She really hated double Astronomy sometimes.

Harry prodded her on the arm with his quill, then pointed to a fresh page in his notebook. At the top he had written:

What exactly are we going to do if or when we catch Malfoy?

She rolled her eyes and wrote underneath,

We are going to give him a great big hug.

Harry scowled and underlined his original question. Checking to see that Sinistra was on the other side of the room, Hermione took Harry's notebook in her lap and wrote.

Crabbe and Goyle will be there to provide unbiased witnesses. Once we fetch them, we shall go to the room under Trelawney's tower. Ron and Malfoy ought already to be there. We shall enter by force if necessary and Stun Malfoy, then take photographs of the situation to prove it really happened. (I got Colin's camera out of his dormitory when he wasn't looking.) We shall then fetch Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey, and explain the entire thing in detail.

She passed the notebook back to Harry, who read it, then pounded his head on the desk. Hermione stopped him before he could attract Sinistra. He glanced at the professor, too (she was helping the Patil twins with a star chart) then wrote underneath her paragraph,

How do we get there without being seen?

I also got your Invisibility Cloak out of your dormitory while you were at Quidditch practice.

!?

She rolled her eyes at him again and wrote:

Do you want Ron to get murdered or not?

Fine. Have you stolen anything else I should know about?

I'm just borrowing. Don't be rude.

Harry scowled at her and took his notebook back.

When the class finally ended, Hermione jammed her books into her bag and tore down the steps so quickly she became dizzy. At the base of the tower she met Harry and dragged him off towards a convenient corridor junction. They noticed Ron heading deliberately off in the opposite direction, towards the North Tower. Everyone else was much too drowsy to think of anything except heading back to the dormitories and grabbing as much sleep as possible before breakfast.

"Can I just say that I think this is a very dodgy idea?" Harry asked as she pulled the cloak and camera out of her bag.

"Yes. Now come on." She yanked him towards her and wrapped the cloak snugly around them both, then started off confidently towards the entrance hall. Or at least tried to; much to their chagrin, Harry had had another growth spurt since they tried this last, and it was very awkward trying to walk together without any flailing ankles or exposed fingers. By the time they staggered into the empty, silent entrance hall, it was nearly quarter after, and Crabbe and Goyle were looking very lonely and dejected sitting by the dungeon stairs.

Hermione ducked out from under the cloak and tapped them on the shoulders. "Come on. We have to go stop Malfoy now."

Crabbe frowned. "Where's Potter?"

"He's...invisible," she said, deciding that it wouldn't be wise to complicate things any further with these two.

Goyle nodded. "Can we be invisible, too?"

This was definitely an issue, because Hermione was certain that the cloak would never effectively cover those two, and in any case, she had no desire to spend any more time in close proximity to Goyle than she already in the past thirty-six hours. "Er...no. Only Harry and I can be invisible."

Goyle looked crestfallen. Crabbe, thinking laboriously, said, "But we might get caught out of bed."

This was true; Hermione considered the problem. "That's right, Vince, you're very smart," she said, causing his face to light up. "I think, if anyone catches you, you should tell them that you're lost."

"Lost?" he echoed.

She nodded enthusiastically. "Tell them that you're lost, and ask for directions to the North Tower, because you left your books there. Got all that?"

"We're lost. We left our books in the North Tower," Crabbe said.

"Excellent!" Hermione patted them both on the arms and ducked back under the cloak. Walking a little ahead of their accomplices (Harry, apparently, didn't trust their acting ability), they made their way gradually to the North Tower. On the way, they met no one.

The disused room near the base of the tower had been used by most of the students in the school, at one point or another, in order to snog or duel in secret. It wasn't that difficult to locate. Shrugging off the cloak (which caused Goyle to yelp in alarm) Hermione tried the doorknob. "Locked. Stand back."

"Wait," Harry said, putting his hand on her arm. "Are we sure they're doing anything in there?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if they're just standing there insulting each other, we're going to look pretty foolish." Harry knelt down and pressed his ear to the keyhole.

Crabbe leaned in, looking concerned. "What do you hear?" he asked.

Harry frowned. "I...there's nothing. It's silent."

"Silencing Charm," Hermione said, taking out her wand. "Malfoy must've cast a Silencing Charm. Stand back, Harry—Audius!" Suddenly, from the other side of the door, they heard a long, low moan. "Did that sound like Ron?" she whispered anxiously.

Harry nodded, brows knit.

There was another moan, and a loud crack that sounded suspiciously like breaking bones to Hermione's ears. "He's killing him in there!" she hissed. "Harry, we're going in now!"

He nodded and drew his wand, standing safely back. Crabbe and Goyle took out their own wands in imitation. Hermione prodded the door handle, whispered "Alohomora!" and head the lock click. The handle turned freely, but she still couldn't get the door open. "It's stuck! Harry, do something!"

He opened his mouth helplessly, but just then there was a tremendous crash and a hoarse yelp from inside. Hermione stepped back as Harry pointed his wand at the door and snapped, "Reducio!" The blast blew the door open with a loud bang, and the four them them charged in, wands at the ready.

"Stop!" Hermione shrieked. "Or we'll...we'll..."

Her eyes traveled over the trail of discarded robes leading to a rather inexplicable bed; up the tangle of sweaty sheets which had spilled onto the floor; lingered briefly on the foot of said bed, which had collapsed completely; skipped rapidly over rather more damp, fair skin than she really wanted to see shimmering in the low candlelight; and finally came to rest on two pairs of eyes staring into hers, one blue and horrified, the other gray and challenging.

Behind her, Goyle made a strangled sound in his throat, and a heavy thunk told her that he'd fainted.

Never moving, Malfoy cleared his throat. "Can we help you?" he asked, as if people walked in on him having sex all the time. Ron, red-faced, looked away and tried to slink under what few covers remained on top of the highly improbable bed. He was not very successful.

Hermione managed to find her voice again. "No, not really," she said, wondering why she sounded so high and squeaky.

"Ah," said Malfoy. "Only, you see, we were rather in the middle of something..."

"Oh, okay," Hermione said. "We'll, ah, just be going now, then."

"Bye," Malfoy said cordially.

Hermione backed out, nearly tripping over Goyle. Harry was still standing in place, staring bug-eyed; she snagged the back of his robes and pulled him out. Crabbe pulled Goyle out of the room as well, although he didn't stop opening and closing his mouth slowly, like a fish. Hermione shut the door behind them.

"Draco's not going to get expelled for that, is he?" Crabbe asked anxiously.

Hermione shook her head. "No. No, he's not. I...we...oh, my..."

Harry sat down hard on the floor. "I've gone blind," he said hoarsely. "I've gone blind. I'm not seeing anything else tonight."

Crabbe frowned. "I'm confused."

"We all are, Vince," she said gravely, mind reeling.

On of the other side of the door, somebody said something that sounded a bit like "Wheeee-laahhh!" Harry began to pound his head against the wall.

A/N: Hah! Gotcha!

BTW, Harry's last line is adapted from one of George Weasley's line in the excellent story "Take the Chance" by AjesBlue.