Disclaimer: You know the drill. Tolkien owns Middle Earth and its characters, we're just borrowing them. Architeuthis owns herself. This fic is a spinoff of Jay's and Acacia's masterpiece, "Protectors of the Plot Continuum".
******************
A short teen was pacing in one of the many rooms in PPC headquarters, waiting for her new partner to show up. She had short blue-streaked black hair, in a low, loose ponytail, that just touched her shoulders. She was wearing black, velvet slacks, black boots, a tight black-sleeveless shirt with 'SHINIGAMI' printed on it in large letters accross the chest, a silver cross on a silver chain, and a large waterproof vest over all. Suddenly tensing, she turned and let loose a black knife at the now open door.
Raising an eyebrow at the projectile in the wall next to her, a tall Korean girl, also in an all black ensemble, pried the knife from the wall, careful not to touch the sides. Examining it, she noted the balance and the trace of poison on the blade, skillfully hidden from all except the most experienced eyes. Nice. Nicer if it hadn't been two inches away from being embedded in her head.
Dropping the knife on the table next to her, the taller teen turned to the shorter, and now, grinning girl.
"Is this how everyone greets their new partner here?"
Not even looking embarrassed, the blue/black haired girl looked at her new partner. Eying the baggy black cargo pants, short sleeve black shirt, cut off black army boots, the obvious, to her eyes at least, location of at least 5 knives, which probably meant she had 35 on her person, and the katana hooked on to a bandoleer on her back, she nodded approvingly. Then she saw her face.
"NO!!!!!!!!! Not YOU! The Sunflower must have gotten it WRONG!"
The Korean girl blinked rapidly, slightly confused, as the shorter girl continued ranting.
"WHY?! KAGE, why YOU?!"
Arms thrown theatrically into the air, the girl wasn't surprised to here the taller girl smack her head against her palm. Sakira knew it wouldn't take her training partner that long to figure out who she was. Either that, or she just had that particular effect on people.
"I think the question, chibi-baka (small idiot), is how I ended up with YOU!"
"Kage! That's mean!"
"Well, if you didn't pull all of those 'pranks' during camp maybe I wouldn-"
//BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP//
The alarm effectively ended their, erm, reunion. The shorter girl, Sakira, was grinning that grin again. That dangerous, sadistic, 'I get to kill someone!' grin. Looking at her new partner, she decided there was no time to waste.
"We have a Mary Sue."
"Already? But we just got assigned to work together."
"Blame the movie. But as long as they keep writing Mary Sues, and we get to hunt them down and kill them, everyone's happy, ne?" Sakira continued grinning, bouncing on her heels.
Eyeing Sakira warily, Kage made her way to the console. The last time she'd seen Sakira act that way, she ended up chasing her all over camp with a tranquilizer gun.
Tapping few buttons, Kage briefly scanned the screen. "We've got a report from First Class Intelligence Officer Architeuthis about a fanfic called 'Morwen (Daughter of Darkness).'" Kage snorted. "What's up with the melodramatic titles? It isn't going to make the fic seem better, ne Sakira?"
Kage waited for a response, and getting none, turned towards her new partner. "Sakira?"
Sakira was staring off into space with an unfocused expression and her eyes slightly glazed, telltale signs that she was reading the Words that made up the fic. Kage watched her, interested in what her reaction would be.
"SH-----------------------------------T~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Okay....
Eyes flashing, the younger girl dropped the Asian pear that she had picked up and started eating somewhere along the story line. Growling, she grabbed two packs, shoved half the room into them, went to the console, and banged on the buttons to set their disguise. Whirling around, she glared at Kage, who was trying to discreetly reach for her sedation capsules.
"Poison. Paralyzes. Now."
Kage wordlessly handed her a vial of tetrodoxin. Sakira snatched it and managed somehow to stuff it into her pack, which was looking like it was going to rip pretty soon. She turned back to the console, set the portal settings, and grabbing Kage's wrist, dragged her to the oblong doorway that had suddenly appeared.
Stopping for a split second, she gave her partner a warning.
"We're landing in a tree right on top of Legolas's and the byatch---erm, the Mary Sue's first 'meeting'. Don't drop ANYTHING."
Then she shoved one of the packs at her partner (the heavier one) and pushed her through, cheerfully jumping in after her grinning.
******************
Landing in the tree almost on top of her dazed partner, Sakira checked her disguise. Black cloak, sword, daggers, the feel of transparency, and a really nasty odor. Yep, they were ringwraiths. Perfect.
She paused as she felt a familiar tingle going through her body. The land welcomed her, it knew she was there to help. Thus it hid her from its denizens and protected her as best as it could. It was humbling, to feel the gratitude of a land as ancient as this one.
"Get off me, you ten ton weight, you're squashing my lungs! Man, for a skimpy little shrimp, you sure are heavy."
Sakira obligingly got off Kage, albeit a lot slower than it would normally take. Ignoring the barely veiled threats her partner was muttering, she took in the sight in front of her, and automatically winced. Apparantly, the author decided that the first meeting between Legolas and the Mary Sue would have to include a fight scene. Kage, distracted by the sounds of a pained yelp, also watched the two "interact", a perplexed expression on her face.
"Um, Sakira? Why is the Mary Sue and Legolas fighting?"
"Legolas thought that the Mary Sue was a ringwraith and tried to shoot her...and he missed."
Silence. And then...
"WHAT!?! He's an elf! He had over a millenia to practice! He has superior senses! He can't miss!"
Ignoring her, Sakira took out her Character Analysis Device and set it. Kage grumbled something about idiots who twisted the life's work of Tolkien and set her Canon Analysis Device, and the two simultaneously pointed it at the two people fighting beneath her, the screens instantly sharing the information.
[Melody. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue. Bitch.]
Kage raised an eyebrow at that, but Sakira cheerfully ignored her.
[Legolas. Elf male. Canon. WARNING!! Character rupture 65.3% and rising. Fighting capabilities reduced 95.96%. ]
Sakira coughed 'discreetly', laughing behind her almost indistinguishable cough at her partner's expresion.
"Kisama................can't DO that..................no human...................defeat.....................elf!"
"Not just a human, she's also a daughter of a witch and an evil wizard who is Sauron's right hand man. So she can do black magic as well as fight better than an elf. Which is kinda weird. I mean, her dad's dark, but he named her Melody. That doesn't make sense. Oh, and she's decided that what her dad's doing is morally wrong and is using her dark magic to fight against the dark side. Does that work?"
No answer. Just a growl.
"Did I mention that her great great great grandmother was a mermaid, and she can change into one anytime she wants to?"
"Well, I guess that rules out drowning her." Kage thought for a moment. "Say, exactly how are we going to kill her? And what did you want the tetrodoxin for?"
"The tetrodoxin is to paralyze her and make her safe for transport. After that....well, you'll see," Sakira started grinning again.
"If it involves liquid nitrogen again....."
"Nah, too quick."
Not at all reassured, Kage settled down on the branch and continued watching the WWF smackdown going on below her. Hands twitching for her dagger, she kept repeating the regulations and rules of the PPC in her head.
"We cannot act unless they've officially ruined the continuum, we cannot act unless they've officially ruined the continuum, we cannot act unless they've officially ruined the continuum, we cann- aw hell! Why can't she just join the Fellowship and get out of Rivendell already?"
"She needs to describe her angsty past to make more people feel sorry for her and "work" on her relationship with Legolas."
"What relationship?"
"Good point."
Silent watching and observation, and then a collective cringe from their audience as the Mary Sue did a rather underhanded, not to mention extremely painful, attack on the elf. Kage turned to Sakira.
"Alright, I don't know why you want to follow them back to Rivendell, you just do, but this is getting too painful. Can't we just portal over to the council meeting place and wait for her to join the Fellowship so we have legal proof that we can kill her?"
"But this is-"
"Now."
"But-"
"SAKIRA!"
Eying the Mydraal Blade pointed at her, Sakira gave a, "FINE!"
Grabbed her remote activator and set up a portal, all the while glaring at Kage. Kage just smirked back and jumped through, followed closely by a fuming Sakira.
Ah, the joys of partnership.
******************
The two assassins wandered around Rivendell, taking in the beauty of the Last Homely House. It was breathtaking, and Kage never grew tired of it.
It was either doing that or watch the "heartwarming" reunion between Melody, Arwen, and Elrond. She had felt like hurling into the nearest bush.
Stopping suddenly, Kage motioned Sakira over behind a tree. Melody and Elrond were walking through the garden, Aragorn coming up to them. Melody gave a squeal that sounded remarkably like a swine in midst of labor, before throwing herself at him.
Sakira glowered at the Mary Sue before taking out her CAD and pointing it towards Aragorn.
[Aragorn. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 86.2%]
Only pure reflex allowed Kage to tackle Sakira to the ground before the Mary Sue saw them. Struggling briefly, she managed to drag the shorter girl back into the shadows.
"Sakira, remember the rules!"
"SHE MESSED UP ARAGORN!"
"It doesn't matter, she has to officially ruin the continu- ow, ow, Sakira, that's my arm, ow."
After ten minutes of struggling and wrestling, and a lot of cursing in various languages, Sakira calmed down enough to be released. She threw one more venomous look at the Sue before spinning around to face Kage. "When is the council meeting starting?"
"In a few minutes, whyyyaaaaiiiiii!" Sakira abruptly grabbed Kage's hood and dragged her backwards to the stone dais. Finding a nice, shadowed spot to hide in, she shoved Kage into it and settled down herself. And the horror began.
Frowning as Aragorn whispered to Melody, Kage reverted to reading the Words to see what they were talking about. And immediately exploded.
"Wringwraiths? WRINGWRAITHS? What in Shinigami's name is a wring?!? And the people think that she's a ringwraith? Oh yeah, that's absolutely logical, a ringwraith in middle of Rivendell, in the council Elrond no less. Did she even attempt to read the book?" Kage started waving her arms around wildly. "I hate amateurs! I REALLY hate incompetent morons. AND I HATE INCOMPETENT AMATEUR MORONS MOST OF ALL!!!!!"
Sakira just ignored her and listened to the bastardization of Elrond's council. Obviously the author had only watched the movie. That would count for all the spelling errors.
Kage waited impatiently for the council to end, unconciously reaching for her dagger. If this kept up, the Mary Sue was going to end up cold and dead before the sun set.
"The meeting is adjourned." Kage watched Elrond as he gracefully sat back down, admiring the way he seemed to float as he walke- wait. Something was wrong here. The council ended...and Melody hadn't joined the Fellowship.
"Weird," Sakira muttered beside her. Kage glared at her.
"I thought you said she would join the Fellowship at the council!"
"I never said that! But don't worry, you know they always join. Just a matter of time"
"She'd better," Kage growled. There was no way she was going to let this Sue live.
******************
Kage and Sakira silently followed Melody back to her room. She was miffed that Elrond didn't allow her to join the Fellowship, but of course she'd find a way to tag along. Thus is written by the Mary Sues. Thus shall it be done.
It soon became clear to the two that they weren't the only one following the Sue. They caught sight of a certain wood elf slipping quietly in front of them. Kage winced at the way Legolas was acting. The OOCness was practically radiating off of him.
All of a sudden Melody stopped and looked behind her suspiciously. Kage and Sakira both dove out of sight behind a pillar. The land could hide them from the natives, but the Mary Sues were another story. Fortunately, it wasn't them that she had sensed. Kage growled deep in her throat.
"Oh, and she can also sense elves? That's just great, defy the Laws of Tolkien why don't you!"
Sakira ignored her, as usual. The pillar they were hiding behind was right across from the Sue's room, and they had a nice vantage point. They could clearly see what she was doing, and so was able watch her turn a chair into a......harp.
"What was the point of that? It's not like Elrond has a shortage of harps."
"I don't care, let's just get out of here before she starts singing."
The assassins slunk out from behind the pillar and went a little ways down the hall, close enough to see the actions of the Mary Sue, far enough so that they thankfully couldn't hear anything.
Kage propped herself against another pillar (just how many were there?) and attempted to catch a little sleep. Which was hard to do when the person next to you was providing a completely useless commentary on the actions of the Mary Sue in an increasingly annoying and perky voice.
"Oh look, it finally gets through her thick skull that she's being watched. Now she's chasing Legolas down the halls, and she just ran past his hiding place. Fooled by the oldest trick in the book. Oh, no, wait, she's found him and now they're pointing daggers at each other. And now they're arguing - how sweet. Wow, they're parting now, what a cliffhanger. Now what? Oh, can it be? Yes!! The Sue is heading towards Elrond's study, I repeat the Sue is head- ow! Hey! That wasn't nice, Kage."
Kage threw her a withering glance, and of course, Sakira wasn't withered at all. Muttering something about matches and sunflowers, she stomped off towards Elrond's study.
Opening the door slightly, Kage and Sakira peeked in. Melody was obviously having a heart-wrenching argument with Elrond over her joining the Fellowship.
Kage watched in obvious disgust.
"Geez, she just has to make it as dramatic as possible."
"5......4......3......2......1....."
"Fine. But you will return to your home whenever you are not needed. If the group is in danger you are to apparate somewhere safe. You will not fight unless needed. Alright?"
Elrond was interrupted by another pregnant pig squeal. The two spies didn't miss the way he winced and the way his smile seemed somewhat forced.
Kage grinned. Elrond was no fool. He probably relented because he wanted Melody as far away from him as possible.
"Alright, we got our evidence, when are we going to kill her?"
Sakira's gaze went slightly unfocused as she scanned the Words. Almost immediately she growled and glared at nothing in particular.
"The Fellowship sets out at dawn. DAWN!! It's suppose to be DUSK!! There's a difference!!"
Five minutes of ranting later....
"....and the planetary shift is off by 0.000000000000000000002 millimeters!!!"
Discreet coughing caught her attention. Kage gave her the "are you quite done?" look.
"Ahem. Yeah. Right. So what were we talking about."
Kage managed to fall down, even though she was sitting on the floor. "What's the plan for killing the Sue, baka!?!"
"Eh? Oh yeah. Well, on the first day the Fellowship sets out, she takes second watch all alone. And knowing how she is so brave and adventurous...."
"We draw her out and paralyze her while the others sleep. Perfect. So all we have to do know is wait for dawn. Looks like we're camping out tonight. You did pack the sleeping bags, right?"
"Er...."
"SAKIRA!!!!!"
******************
It was cold. The ground was hard. And to make matters worse, it rained. Kage and Sakira didn't manage to get much sleep, and just as they were about to get some semblance of rest.....
"TWEET! TWEETY TWEET TWEET TWEEEEEE-"*thunk*
The bird's body fell to the floor, the decapitated head pinned to the trunk of the tree by a dagger. Swearing Japanese curses under her breath, Sakira staggered over to the tree and retrieved her dagger. Looking for Kage, she spotted a nondescript pile of black cloth on the floor.
"Wake up."
No answer.
"Wake up!"
Silence.
"Did you know that Melody thinks she's stronger than Gandalf?"
Kage stirred at that, one eye almost opening. Sakira took the chance.
"WAKE UP YOU BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was the sound of a loud slap.
"CHECH!!!!!" Kage bolted upright, and fell right back down as various muscles complained about the hard surface they were forced to endure during the night.
"Ow."
Grunting, Sakira heaved her pack on to her back. "Come on, we better go before the Fellowship leaves."
Kage looked pointedly at her. "There is absolutely no way we are walking all the way to where ever they're going."
"Of course we aren't. We're portalling. I'm not that crazy." Kage opened her mouth. "Shut up."
******************
The two stumbled out of the portal and into a peaceful clearing. Unfortunately, it was the only clearing within a fifty mile radius, and the Fellowship-plus-one would be resting there.
So now they got to hide in bushes with inch long thorns for the whole day. Yay. And they were bored. Their attempts at playing cards ended up with shrubbery embedded in their arms. Sleeping resulted in even more shrubbery attacks. And so they just waited, tired, sore, hungry, and just plain miserable. Whatever gods that were watching them were probably sitting on their asses and laughing their heads off.
"Wait a minute." A conversation?
"Sakira, what was that you said about Melody and Gandalf?!" Nope, a rant.
Finally, the sounds of branches snapping and hobbit voices came, and the Fellowship appeared in the clearing. Kage was now especially tempted to just kill the Mary Sue right then and there, but that would mean incurring the wrath of several, highly skilled warriors.
And, as was the usual in all the time that Kage had known Sakira, the younger girl came up with a pretty damn good distraction, for once.
"Kage?"
"Hn."
"Isn't Morwen a witch from another series?"
"...?"
"You know, the 'Enchanted Forest' series? The one with the princess Cimorene, the series that we had our first practice mission in together. You know, where the author had Cimorene so OOC that the PPC decided that it would be s good 'test' mission for us, at the top of our class?"
"Yeah...so?"
"Why'd she steal Morwen's name.....?"
The conversation went on like that for a looong time, twisting and changing, until it ended with a...
"Soooo, what do you think about that idea?"
"Perfect! She'll be COMPLETELY paralyzed so they'll be able to pound her to oblivion! Can we grab her now?"
"One sec, they're deciding who takes what watch."
After their group discussion, Melody pushed Legolas, ironically, in their direction, got him settled, and then lied on the ground, drawing her blanket over her body.
Growling, Kage poked Sakira, pointing the two out.
"They kissed in the last chapter."
"WHAT?!"
Simultaneously, the two once again pointed their CADs at Legolas.
[Legolas. Elf male. A Noncanon/canon/nonnonnonnoncanon/canononon/nonnon-zucchini. WARNING!! CHARACTER RUPTURE REACHING CRITICAL LEVELS!!! Tralalalala. Captain Underpants!!! Miss Saigon!!]
Raising an eyebrow at the readout, Kage turned to Sakira.
"You REALLY messed with it, didn't you?"
"Well...the beeping was annoying me, and I um..."
Shaking her head, Kage turned back to the scene warily.
"What are you looking at?" Melody asked Legolas, in that disgustingly sweet, Mary Sueish voice of hers.
"Ithil."
"What's that?"
"In your language the moon."
"Is Ithil the Sindarin word for moon?"
"Yes."
Kage smacked her forhead. "Oh no, ithil means a dead water buffalo. Bloody hell! He just said that it meant the moon! Idiot!" Kage stopped ranting long enough for Sakira to hear the rest of the conversation.
"YAWN I'm tired, I'm going to sleep. Good night."
"Good night."
Melody closed her eyes and Legolas spoke into the air, slowly, and carefully, as if fighting to say the right thing.
"I know that you're there somewhere. Please. I need help......Melody.....beautiful Melody......white dress......pretty elf......."
It took the hangman's rope, that Sakira had 'luckily' brought, and a strong tree to keep Kage from killing the Mary Sue then and there.
Waiting again. And still waiting.
Finally, Sakira gave up, strolled over to the Mary Sue, and started braiding several thorns into her hair. After all, there was nothing in the rule book that said about playing 'harmless' pranks on the Sues.
Suddenly, Sakira stood up and blended into the shadows as Gandalf stood up and walked to the unlucky Mary Sue. She watched, smirking, as the wizard shook her awake.
Kage looked at Sakira, or where she knew Sakira to be, and signaled a question in the air.
'Now?'
Sakira looked up and signed her reply.
'Hold on. The Byatch is waking up.'
Melody opened her eyes and swallowed her whining when she saw the wizard, and replied to his comment with a sullen, "Thank you for waking me Gandalf. You may rest now. What time shall I awaken the others?"
"When the sun comes up." He said as got ready to sleep.
Sakira shook her head, shocked at the stupidity of the Sue. Not to mention the bad grammar.
Melody simply turned and looked out blankly into the darkness. Idly, she ran her hand through her hair....
"OW!!!!! Like, oh my God, there's something in my hair!"
"No shit Sherlock." Kage strode out into the open where Melody could see her. And was victim to an earsplitting shriek.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! LEGOLAS!!!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!"
..........Well, that was unexpected. Wasn't the Mary Sue suppose to be brave and risk taking, allowing herself to be led off alone into the woods? Ah well, time for Plan B.
Kage slide her sword out of its sheath and pressed the tip to Legolas's throat, who was still miraculously asleep. Poor guy. All the plotholes must have gotten to him.
"Shut up or you can say bye bye to the elf."
Melody gasped, her face contorted in horror, yet somehow managed to retain its 'beauty'. "Don't hurt him! I'll do anything! Just don't hurt him!"
Kage rolled her eyes at the melodrama. "Whatever. Now if you can step away from the rest of the Fellowship, that'll be just peachy."
Melody did just that, looking scared and utterly pitiful. Sakira popped up behind the Mary Sue, grinning, her own dagger out, the blade coated with tetrodoxin. Another shriek rented the air. Kage winced. If this kept up, she was going to need a hearing aid.
"Melody, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, the messing with the inter-dimensional and universal rules of nature, screwing up the orbit of this world, screwing with Mordor, plagiarizing Disney with the 'Stinkerbell comment', doing an unauthorised crossover with Harry Potter - i.e. all of the witches and wizards that don't exist in Tolkien's storyline, saying that you're stronger in magic - black AND light magic - than Gandalf, a wizard who's more than 50 times your age, making Legolas, Arwen, and ARAGORN out of characater, and basically SCREWING WITH THIS WORLD AND ANNOYING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Kage wondered quietly at how Sakira managed to say all that in one breath as she readied her sword. She had a feeling that the rest of the Fellowship was going to come to the Sue's rescue pretty soon.
"Do you have any last words?"
"What are you, like, talking about?" Melody asked.
"10"
"LEGOLAS!!!!! ARAGORN!!!! WAKE UP!!!!"
"7"
Black sparks were now decorating the desparate girl's fists.
"3"
She threw herself at Sakira, giving a - was that suppose to be a war cry - as she did. Sakira simply stepped out of the way, and the Sue, momentarily unable to defy the laws of momentum and inertia, crashed into the ground.
"1."
"Aw, too bad, time's up. C'mon, I have better things to do than hit someone on the ground. Stand up and RUN!"
"Sakira," Kage shook her head, "You're a Sadist."
"Thanks!" the smaller ringwraith was aiming at the fleeing back of the girl in front of her. By then, the Fellowship was starting to wake up. It didn't matter how many plotholes there were, there was no way anyone could ignore a wailing banshee.
The dagger was flying at the girl, the poison making it gleam in the moonlight. Legolas and Aragorn both yelled and attempted to dive in front of the dagger, and neatly collapsed into a pile as Kage tripped them.
The younger girl whipped out a camera and took a picture of the still standing men in hero poses 4, 9, and 11.5. Grinning, she turned around and snapped one of Gandalf, who was smoking his pipe peacefully.
THUD
"I think I got her."
"I'm not going to carry her."
"Hey, I did all the work!"
"You're plan. You wanted to paralyze her. I just wanted to kill her."
"Fine!" Muttering some not too nice things about Kage, Sakira managed, with a lot of difficulty, to sling the Mary Sue over her shoulder. "For a 'perfect' human being, she seriously needs to go on a diet."
"Shut up and open the portal. The canon characters won't go back to normal until the Mary Sue dies. Which means that the ones that are influenced by her still want to kill us. And are about to, right now."
Sakira managed to look up and see a variety of extremely sharp weapons aimed at her and Kage. Legolas and Aragorn managed to untangle themselves from the heap they had gotten into and were now pointing their respective weapons towards the two assassins, along with the other members of the Fellowship. At least Gandalf was somewhat normal and was not cursing them to kingdom come, and Gimli was just watching with apparent amusement.
"Oh. Right." Sakira fumbled for a moment, trying to reach for the remote activator while not dropping her burden.
"Sakira...." Kage said nervously, backing away as the Fellowship advanced.
"Kage? Where were we going again?"
"Ewok Square. I think."
"Do you know what the coordinates are?"
"No."
"Shit. Run."
With that last comment, the two started running, both mentally thanking Gimli and Gandalf. The dwarf for 'accidentally' tripping everyone several times, and Gandalf for the indescript barrier that was bouncing all of the arrows aimed at them.
A purple doorway stood in front of them. Without stopping to think, both 'ringwraiths' jumped through, and found themselves in a dense jungle.
Eying the familiar surroundings warily, the taller girl groaned, knowing where they were.
"Sakira?"
"Hm?"
The younger girl was tying one of the semi-concious girl's arms to a tree, skillfully patting her down with out touching her, and taking out several weapons. 3 knives, one sword, and 5 arrows. For a 'fighter', this Sue was poorly equipped.
Without a second thought, the Filipino (Sakira) threw the various weapons into her surroundings, twirling her butterfly knife absentmindedly as she turned to her partner.
"What?"
"Tell me that we're at the Ewok vs. Stormtroopers set, PLEASE tell me that's where we are?"
"Ano..." the younger girl fidgeted.
"I was under extreme pressure, so I inputted the first coordinates that came to mind. And....we're in the Jurrassic Park (book), Velociraptor's nesting grounds, before Ellie, Allen, and the lawyer get here. You know, the place we went to on our 3rd training mission before graduation. Someone put in a T-Rex into the fic, and you got three broken ribs, a broken arm, and a badly lacerated leg, and I got a concussion, snapped leg, sprained ankle, broken collarbone, and a sprained wrist, remember?"
A loud call sounded around them. Pulling her partner with her up into a tree, Sakira fumbled around for the remote activator, feeling a momentary flash of pity for the Sue, as the velociraptors slowly surrounded her.That feeling passed by pretty quickly.
"Sakira."
The younger girl winced and grabbed the remote activator, encoding their office at HQ as her partner watched the beginnings of a gory scene below them. Looking down at the loud scream, Sakira couldn't help but give a small sadistic smile before she opened the portal
"Kill me later. Lets go."
Soon the two were on the floor, slightly disheveled as the taller girl stood up, towering over the now relaxing Sakira.
"YOU BAKA! WHY JURASSIC PARK?! YOU KNOW THAT WE HAD TO GO TO LOOOONG THERAPY SESSIONS FOR THAT AND..."
Ignoring her ranting partner, Sakira put up a 'Do Not Disturb: Ranting Partner' sign on the door before starting her meditations as her partner continued yelling at her.
Mission accomplished.
******************
(A/N Sakira: Konbanwa minna-san! (Good evening everyone for those of us who don't have ANY access to the world of Anime) This was my first PPC fic, done w/ the help of my partner, Kage! We'd REALLY appreciate it if you tell us what you think of it, and if you give us a few other Mary Sues to mess with. ::grins::)
(A/N Kage: Yes, I do worship elves. Can you blame me? They're elves. Enough said. And since that loudmouthed, always talking, never still partner of mine already said the necessary things, g'night and may your dreams be filled with happy little bunnies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a certain idiot to seriously injure. Sakira: *feels loved*)
******************
A short teen was pacing in one of the many rooms in PPC headquarters, waiting for her new partner to show up. She had short blue-streaked black hair, in a low, loose ponytail, that just touched her shoulders. She was wearing black, velvet slacks, black boots, a tight black-sleeveless shirt with 'SHINIGAMI' printed on it in large letters accross the chest, a silver cross on a silver chain, and a large waterproof vest over all. Suddenly tensing, she turned and let loose a black knife at the now open door.
Raising an eyebrow at the projectile in the wall next to her, a tall Korean girl, also in an all black ensemble, pried the knife from the wall, careful not to touch the sides. Examining it, she noted the balance and the trace of poison on the blade, skillfully hidden from all except the most experienced eyes. Nice. Nicer if it hadn't been two inches away from being embedded in her head.
Dropping the knife on the table next to her, the taller teen turned to the shorter, and now, grinning girl.
"Is this how everyone greets their new partner here?"
Not even looking embarrassed, the blue/black haired girl looked at her new partner. Eying the baggy black cargo pants, short sleeve black shirt, cut off black army boots, the obvious, to her eyes at least, location of at least 5 knives, which probably meant she had 35 on her person, and the katana hooked on to a bandoleer on her back, she nodded approvingly. Then she saw her face.
"NO!!!!!!!!! Not YOU! The Sunflower must have gotten it WRONG!"
The Korean girl blinked rapidly, slightly confused, as the shorter girl continued ranting.
"WHY?! KAGE, why YOU?!"
Arms thrown theatrically into the air, the girl wasn't surprised to here the taller girl smack her head against her palm. Sakira knew it wouldn't take her training partner that long to figure out who she was. Either that, or she just had that particular effect on people.
"I think the question, chibi-baka (small idiot), is how I ended up with YOU!"
"Kage! That's mean!"
"Well, if you didn't pull all of those 'pranks' during camp maybe I wouldn-"
//BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP//
The alarm effectively ended their, erm, reunion. The shorter girl, Sakira, was grinning that grin again. That dangerous, sadistic, 'I get to kill someone!' grin. Looking at her new partner, she decided there was no time to waste.
"We have a Mary Sue."
"Already? But we just got assigned to work together."
"Blame the movie. But as long as they keep writing Mary Sues, and we get to hunt them down and kill them, everyone's happy, ne?" Sakira continued grinning, bouncing on her heels.
Eyeing Sakira warily, Kage made her way to the console. The last time she'd seen Sakira act that way, she ended up chasing her all over camp with a tranquilizer gun.
Tapping few buttons, Kage briefly scanned the screen. "We've got a report from First Class Intelligence Officer Architeuthis about a fanfic called 'Morwen (Daughter of Darkness).'" Kage snorted. "What's up with the melodramatic titles? It isn't going to make the fic seem better, ne Sakira?"
Kage waited for a response, and getting none, turned towards her new partner. "Sakira?"
Sakira was staring off into space with an unfocused expression and her eyes slightly glazed, telltale signs that she was reading the Words that made up the fic. Kage watched her, interested in what her reaction would be.
"SH-----------------------------------T~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Okay....
Eyes flashing, the younger girl dropped the Asian pear that she had picked up and started eating somewhere along the story line. Growling, she grabbed two packs, shoved half the room into them, went to the console, and banged on the buttons to set their disguise. Whirling around, she glared at Kage, who was trying to discreetly reach for her sedation capsules.
"Poison. Paralyzes. Now."
Kage wordlessly handed her a vial of tetrodoxin. Sakira snatched it and managed somehow to stuff it into her pack, which was looking like it was going to rip pretty soon. She turned back to the console, set the portal settings, and grabbing Kage's wrist, dragged her to the oblong doorway that had suddenly appeared.
Stopping for a split second, she gave her partner a warning.
"We're landing in a tree right on top of Legolas's and the byatch---erm, the Mary Sue's first 'meeting'. Don't drop ANYTHING."
Then she shoved one of the packs at her partner (the heavier one) and pushed her through, cheerfully jumping in after her grinning.
******************
Landing in the tree almost on top of her dazed partner, Sakira checked her disguise. Black cloak, sword, daggers, the feel of transparency, and a really nasty odor. Yep, they were ringwraiths. Perfect.
She paused as she felt a familiar tingle going through her body. The land welcomed her, it knew she was there to help. Thus it hid her from its denizens and protected her as best as it could. It was humbling, to feel the gratitude of a land as ancient as this one.
"Get off me, you ten ton weight, you're squashing my lungs! Man, for a skimpy little shrimp, you sure are heavy."
Sakira obligingly got off Kage, albeit a lot slower than it would normally take. Ignoring the barely veiled threats her partner was muttering, she took in the sight in front of her, and automatically winced. Apparantly, the author decided that the first meeting between Legolas and the Mary Sue would have to include a fight scene. Kage, distracted by the sounds of a pained yelp, also watched the two "interact", a perplexed expression on her face.
"Um, Sakira? Why is the Mary Sue and Legolas fighting?"
"Legolas thought that the Mary Sue was a ringwraith and tried to shoot her...and he missed."
Silence. And then...
"WHAT!?! He's an elf! He had over a millenia to practice! He has superior senses! He can't miss!"
Ignoring her, Sakira took out her Character Analysis Device and set it. Kage grumbled something about idiots who twisted the life's work of Tolkien and set her Canon Analysis Device, and the two simultaneously pointed it at the two people fighting beneath her, the screens instantly sharing the information.
[Melody. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue. Bitch.]
Kage raised an eyebrow at that, but Sakira cheerfully ignored her.
[Legolas. Elf male. Canon. WARNING!! Character rupture 65.3% and rising. Fighting capabilities reduced 95.96%. ]
Sakira coughed 'discreetly', laughing behind her almost indistinguishable cough at her partner's expresion.
"Kisama................can't DO that..................no human...................defeat.....................elf!"
"Not just a human, she's also a daughter of a witch and an evil wizard who is Sauron's right hand man. So she can do black magic as well as fight better than an elf. Which is kinda weird. I mean, her dad's dark, but he named her Melody. That doesn't make sense. Oh, and she's decided that what her dad's doing is morally wrong and is using her dark magic to fight against the dark side. Does that work?"
No answer. Just a growl.
"Did I mention that her great great great grandmother was a mermaid, and she can change into one anytime she wants to?"
"Well, I guess that rules out drowning her." Kage thought for a moment. "Say, exactly how are we going to kill her? And what did you want the tetrodoxin for?"
"The tetrodoxin is to paralyze her and make her safe for transport. After that....well, you'll see," Sakira started grinning again.
"If it involves liquid nitrogen again....."
"Nah, too quick."
Not at all reassured, Kage settled down on the branch and continued watching the WWF smackdown going on below her. Hands twitching for her dagger, she kept repeating the regulations and rules of the PPC in her head.
"We cannot act unless they've officially ruined the continuum, we cannot act unless they've officially ruined the continuum, we cannot act unless they've officially ruined the continuum, we cann- aw hell! Why can't she just join the Fellowship and get out of Rivendell already?"
"She needs to describe her angsty past to make more people feel sorry for her and "work" on her relationship with Legolas."
"What relationship?"
"Good point."
Silent watching and observation, and then a collective cringe from their audience as the Mary Sue did a rather underhanded, not to mention extremely painful, attack on the elf. Kage turned to Sakira.
"Alright, I don't know why you want to follow them back to Rivendell, you just do, but this is getting too painful. Can't we just portal over to the council meeting place and wait for her to join the Fellowship so we have legal proof that we can kill her?"
"But this is-"
"Now."
"But-"
"SAKIRA!"
Eying the Mydraal Blade pointed at her, Sakira gave a, "FINE!"
Grabbed her remote activator and set up a portal, all the while glaring at Kage. Kage just smirked back and jumped through, followed closely by a fuming Sakira.
Ah, the joys of partnership.
******************
The two assassins wandered around Rivendell, taking in the beauty of the Last Homely House. It was breathtaking, and Kage never grew tired of it.
It was either doing that or watch the "heartwarming" reunion between Melody, Arwen, and Elrond. She had felt like hurling into the nearest bush.
Stopping suddenly, Kage motioned Sakira over behind a tree. Melody and Elrond were walking through the garden, Aragorn coming up to them. Melody gave a squeal that sounded remarkably like a swine in midst of labor, before throwing herself at him.
Sakira glowered at the Mary Sue before taking out her CAD and pointing it towards Aragorn.
[Aragorn. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 86.2%]
Only pure reflex allowed Kage to tackle Sakira to the ground before the Mary Sue saw them. Struggling briefly, she managed to drag the shorter girl back into the shadows.
"Sakira, remember the rules!"
"SHE MESSED UP ARAGORN!"
"It doesn't matter, she has to officially ruin the continu- ow, ow, Sakira, that's my arm, ow."
After ten minutes of struggling and wrestling, and a lot of cursing in various languages, Sakira calmed down enough to be released. She threw one more venomous look at the Sue before spinning around to face Kage. "When is the council meeting starting?"
"In a few minutes, whyyyaaaaiiiiii!" Sakira abruptly grabbed Kage's hood and dragged her backwards to the stone dais. Finding a nice, shadowed spot to hide in, she shoved Kage into it and settled down herself. And the horror began.
Frowning as Aragorn whispered to Melody, Kage reverted to reading the Words to see what they were talking about. And immediately exploded.
"Wringwraiths? WRINGWRAITHS? What in Shinigami's name is a wring?!? And the people think that she's a ringwraith? Oh yeah, that's absolutely logical, a ringwraith in middle of Rivendell, in the council Elrond no less. Did she even attempt to read the book?" Kage started waving her arms around wildly. "I hate amateurs! I REALLY hate incompetent morons. AND I HATE INCOMPETENT AMATEUR MORONS MOST OF ALL!!!!!"
Sakira just ignored her and listened to the bastardization of Elrond's council. Obviously the author had only watched the movie. That would count for all the spelling errors.
Kage waited impatiently for the council to end, unconciously reaching for her dagger. If this kept up, the Mary Sue was going to end up cold and dead before the sun set.
"The meeting is adjourned." Kage watched Elrond as he gracefully sat back down, admiring the way he seemed to float as he walke- wait. Something was wrong here. The council ended...and Melody hadn't joined the Fellowship.
"Weird," Sakira muttered beside her. Kage glared at her.
"I thought you said she would join the Fellowship at the council!"
"I never said that! But don't worry, you know they always join. Just a matter of time"
"She'd better," Kage growled. There was no way she was going to let this Sue live.
******************
Kage and Sakira silently followed Melody back to her room. She was miffed that Elrond didn't allow her to join the Fellowship, but of course she'd find a way to tag along. Thus is written by the Mary Sues. Thus shall it be done.
It soon became clear to the two that they weren't the only one following the Sue. They caught sight of a certain wood elf slipping quietly in front of them. Kage winced at the way Legolas was acting. The OOCness was practically radiating off of him.
All of a sudden Melody stopped and looked behind her suspiciously. Kage and Sakira both dove out of sight behind a pillar. The land could hide them from the natives, but the Mary Sues were another story. Fortunately, it wasn't them that she had sensed. Kage growled deep in her throat.
"Oh, and she can also sense elves? That's just great, defy the Laws of Tolkien why don't you!"
Sakira ignored her, as usual. The pillar they were hiding behind was right across from the Sue's room, and they had a nice vantage point. They could clearly see what she was doing, and so was able watch her turn a chair into a......harp.
"What was the point of that? It's not like Elrond has a shortage of harps."
"I don't care, let's just get out of here before she starts singing."
The assassins slunk out from behind the pillar and went a little ways down the hall, close enough to see the actions of the Mary Sue, far enough so that they thankfully couldn't hear anything.
Kage propped herself against another pillar (just how many were there?) and attempted to catch a little sleep. Which was hard to do when the person next to you was providing a completely useless commentary on the actions of the Mary Sue in an increasingly annoying and perky voice.
"Oh look, it finally gets through her thick skull that she's being watched. Now she's chasing Legolas down the halls, and she just ran past his hiding place. Fooled by the oldest trick in the book. Oh, no, wait, she's found him and now they're pointing daggers at each other. And now they're arguing - how sweet. Wow, they're parting now, what a cliffhanger. Now what? Oh, can it be? Yes!! The Sue is heading towards Elrond's study, I repeat the Sue is head- ow! Hey! That wasn't nice, Kage."
Kage threw her a withering glance, and of course, Sakira wasn't withered at all. Muttering something about matches and sunflowers, she stomped off towards Elrond's study.
Opening the door slightly, Kage and Sakira peeked in. Melody was obviously having a heart-wrenching argument with Elrond over her joining the Fellowship.
Kage watched in obvious disgust.
"Geez, she just has to make it as dramatic as possible."
"5......4......3......2......1....."
"Fine. But you will return to your home whenever you are not needed. If the group is in danger you are to apparate somewhere safe. You will not fight unless needed. Alright?"
Elrond was interrupted by another pregnant pig squeal. The two spies didn't miss the way he winced and the way his smile seemed somewhat forced.
Kage grinned. Elrond was no fool. He probably relented because he wanted Melody as far away from him as possible.
"Alright, we got our evidence, when are we going to kill her?"
Sakira's gaze went slightly unfocused as she scanned the Words. Almost immediately she growled and glared at nothing in particular.
"The Fellowship sets out at dawn. DAWN!! It's suppose to be DUSK!! There's a difference!!"
Five minutes of ranting later....
"....and the planetary shift is off by 0.000000000000000000002 millimeters!!!"
Discreet coughing caught her attention. Kage gave her the "are you quite done?" look.
"Ahem. Yeah. Right. So what were we talking about."
Kage managed to fall down, even though she was sitting on the floor. "What's the plan for killing the Sue, baka!?!"
"Eh? Oh yeah. Well, on the first day the Fellowship sets out, she takes second watch all alone. And knowing how she is so brave and adventurous...."
"We draw her out and paralyze her while the others sleep. Perfect. So all we have to do know is wait for dawn. Looks like we're camping out tonight. You did pack the sleeping bags, right?"
"Er...."
"SAKIRA!!!!!"
******************
It was cold. The ground was hard. And to make matters worse, it rained. Kage and Sakira didn't manage to get much sleep, and just as they were about to get some semblance of rest.....
"TWEET! TWEETY TWEET TWEET TWEEEEEE-"*thunk*
The bird's body fell to the floor, the decapitated head pinned to the trunk of the tree by a dagger. Swearing Japanese curses under her breath, Sakira staggered over to the tree and retrieved her dagger. Looking for Kage, she spotted a nondescript pile of black cloth on the floor.
"Wake up."
No answer.
"Wake up!"
Silence.
"Did you know that Melody thinks she's stronger than Gandalf?"
Kage stirred at that, one eye almost opening. Sakira took the chance.
"WAKE UP YOU BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was the sound of a loud slap.
"CHECH!!!!!" Kage bolted upright, and fell right back down as various muscles complained about the hard surface they were forced to endure during the night.
"Ow."
Grunting, Sakira heaved her pack on to her back. "Come on, we better go before the Fellowship leaves."
Kage looked pointedly at her. "There is absolutely no way we are walking all the way to where ever they're going."
"Of course we aren't. We're portalling. I'm not that crazy." Kage opened her mouth. "Shut up."
******************
The two stumbled out of the portal and into a peaceful clearing. Unfortunately, it was the only clearing within a fifty mile radius, and the Fellowship-plus-one would be resting there.
So now they got to hide in bushes with inch long thorns for the whole day. Yay. And they were bored. Their attempts at playing cards ended up with shrubbery embedded in their arms. Sleeping resulted in even more shrubbery attacks. And so they just waited, tired, sore, hungry, and just plain miserable. Whatever gods that were watching them were probably sitting on their asses and laughing their heads off.
"Wait a minute." A conversation?
"Sakira, what was that you said about Melody and Gandalf?!" Nope, a rant.
Finally, the sounds of branches snapping and hobbit voices came, and the Fellowship appeared in the clearing. Kage was now especially tempted to just kill the Mary Sue right then and there, but that would mean incurring the wrath of several, highly skilled warriors.
And, as was the usual in all the time that Kage had known Sakira, the younger girl came up with a pretty damn good distraction, for once.
"Kage?"
"Hn."
"Isn't Morwen a witch from another series?"
"...?"
"You know, the 'Enchanted Forest' series? The one with the princess Cimorene, the series that we had our first practice mission in together. You know, where the author had Cimorene so OOC that the PPC decided that it would be s good 'test' mission for us, at the top of our class?"
"Yeah...so?"
"Why'd she steal Morwen's name.....?"
The conversation went on like that for a looong time, twisting and changing, until it ended with a...
"Soooo, what do you think about that idea?"
"Perfect! She'll be COMPLETELY paralyzed so they'll be able to pound her to oblivion! Can we grab her now?"
"One sec, they're deciding who takes what watch."
After their group discussion, Melody pushed Legolas, ironically, in their direction, got him settled, and then lied on the ground, drawing her blanket over her body.
Growling, Kage poked Sakira, pointing the two out.
"They kissed in the last chapter."
"WHAT?!"
Simultaneously, the two once again pointed their CADs at Legolas.
[Legolas. Elf male. A Noncanon/canon/nonnonnonnoncanon/canononon/nonnon-zucchini. WARNING!! CHARACTER RUPTURE REACHING CRITICAL LEVELS!!! Tralalalala. Captain Underpants!!! Miss Saigon!!]
Raising an eyebrow at the readout, Kage turned to Sakira.
"You REALLY messed with it, didn't you?"
"Well...the beeping was annoying me, and I um..."
Shaking her head, Kage turned back to the scene warily.
"What are you looking at?" Melody asked Legolas, in that disgustingly sweet, Mary Sueish voice of hers.
"Ithil."
"What's that?"
"In your language the moon."
"Is Ithil the Sindarin word for moon?"
"Yes."
Kage smacked her forhead. "Oh no, ithil means a dead water buffalo. Bloody hell! He just said that it meant the moon! Idiot!" Kage stopped ranting long enough for Sakira to hear the rest of the conversation.
"YAWN I'm tired, I'm going to sleep. Good night."
"Good night."
Melody closed her eyes and Legolas spoke into the air, slowly, and carefully, as if fighting to say the right thing.
"I know that you're there somewhere. Please. I need help......Melody.....beautiful Melody......white dress......pretty elf......."
It took the hangman's rope, that Sakira had 'luckily' brought, and a strong tree to keep Kage from killing the Mary Sue then and there.
Waiting again. And still waiting.
Finally, Sakira gave up, strolled over to the Mary Sue, and started braiding several thorns into her hair. After all, there was nothing in the rule book that said about playing 'harmless' pranks on the Sues.
Suddenly, Sakira stood up and blended into the shadows as Gandalf stood up and walked to the unlucky Mary Sue. She watched, smirking, as the wizard shook her awake.
Kage looked at Sakira, or where she knew Sakira to be, and signaled a question in the air.
'Now?'
Sakira looked up and signed her reply.
'Hold on. The Byatch is waking up.'
Melody opened her eyes and swallowed her whining when she saw the wizard, and replied to his comment with a sullen, "Thank you for waking me Gandalf. You may rest now. What time shall I awaken the others?"
"When the sun comes up." He said as got ready to sleep.
Sakira shook her head, shocked at the stupidity of the Sue. Not to mention the bad grammar.
Melody simply turned and looked out blankly into the darkness. Idly, she ran her hand through her hair....
"OW!!!!! Like, oh my God, there's something in my hair!"
"No shit Sherlock." Kage strode out into the open where Melody could see her. And was victim to an earsplitting shriek.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! LEGOLAS!!!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!"
..........Well, that was unexpected. Wasn't the Mary Sue suppose to be brave and risk taking, allowing herself to be led off alone into the woods? Ah well, time for Plan B.
Kage slide her sword out of its sheath and pressed the tip to Legolas's throat, who was still miraculously asleep. Poor guy. All the plotholes must have gotten to him.
"Shut up or you can say bye bye to the elf."
Melody gasped, her face contorted in horror, yet somehow managed to retain its 'beauty'. "Don't hurt him! I'll do anything! Just don't hurt him!"
Kage rolled her eyes at the melodrama. "Whatever. Now if you can step away from the rest of the Fellowship, that'll be just peachy."
Melody did just that, looking scared and utterly pitiful. Sakira popped up behind the Mary Sue, grinning, her own dagger out, the blade coated with tetrodoxin. Another shriek rented the air. Kage winced. If this kept up, she was going to need a hearing aid.
"Melody, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, the messing with the inter-dimensional and universal rules of nature, screwing up the orbit of this world, screwing with Mordor, plagiarizing Disney with the 'Stinkerbell comment', doing an unauthorised crossover with Harry Potter - i.e. all of the witches and wizards that don't exist in Tolkien's storyline, saying that you're stronger in magic - black AND light magic - than Gandalf, a wizard who's more than 50 times your age, making Legolas, Arwen, and ARAGORN out of characater, and basically SCREWING WITH THIS WORLD AND ANNOYING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Kage wondered quietly at how Sakira managed to say all that in one breath as she readied her sword. She had a feeling that the rest of the Fellowship was going to come to the Sue's rescue pretty soon.
"Do you have any last words?"
"What are you, like, talking about?" Melody asked.
"10"
"LEGOLAS!!!!! ARAGORN!!!! WAKE UP!!!!"
"7"
Black sparks were now decorating the desparate girl's fists.
"3"
She threw herself at Sakira, giving a - was that suppose to be a war cry - as she did. Sakira simply stepped out of the way, and the Sue, momentarily unable to defy the laws of momentum and inertia, crashed into the ground.
"1."
"Aw, too bad, time's up. C'mon, I have better things to do than hit someone on the ground. Stand up and RUN!"
"Sakira," Kage shook her head, "You're a Sadist."
"Thanks!" the smaller ringwraith was aiming at the fleeing back of the girl in front of her. By then, the Fellowship was starting to wake up. It didn't matter how many plotholes there were, there was no way anyone could ignore a wailing banshee.
The dagger was flying at the girl, the poison making it gleam in the moonlight. Legolas and Aragorn both yelled and attempted to dive in front of the dagger, and neatly collapsed into a pile as Kage tripped them.
The younger girl whipped out a camera and took a picture of the still standing men in hero poses 4, 9, and 11.5. Grinning, she turned around and snapped one of Gandalf, who was smoking his pipe peacefully.
THUD
"I think I got her."
"I'm not going to carry her."
"Hey, I did all the work!"
"You're plan. You wanted to paralyze her. I just wanted to kill her."
"Fine!" Muttering some not too nice things about Kage, Sakira managed, with a lot of difficulty, to sling the Mary Sue over her shoulder. "For a 'perfect' human being, she seriously needs to go on a diet."
"Shut up and open the portal. The canon characters won't go back to normal until the Mary Sue dies. Which means that the ones that are influenced by her still want to kill us. And are about to, right now."
Sakira managed to look up and see a variety of extremely sharp weapons aimed at her and Kage. Legolas and Aragorn managed to untangle themselves from the heap they had gotten into and were now pointing their respective weapons towards the two assassins, along with the other members of the Fellowship. At least Gandalf was somewhat normal and was not cursing them to kingdom come, and Gimli was just watching with apparent amusement.
"Oh. Right." Sakira fumbled for a moment, trying to reach for the remote activator while not dropping her burden.
"Sakira...." Kage said nervously, backing away as the Fellowship advanced.
"Kage? Where were we going again?"
"Ewok Square. I think."
"Do you know what the coordinates are?"
"No."
"Shit. Run."
With that last comment, the two started running, both mentally thanking Gimli and Gandalf. The dwarf for 'accidentally' tripping everyone several times, and Gandalf for the indescript barrier that was bouncing all of the arrows aimed at them.
A purple doorway stood in front of them. Without stopping to think, both 'ringwraiths' jumped through, and found themselves in a dense jungle.
Eying the familiar surroundings warily, the taller girl groaned, knowing where they were.
"Sakira?"
"Hm?"
The younger girl was tying one of the semi-concious girl's arms to a tree, skillfully patting her down with out touching her, and taking out several weapons. 3 knives, one sword, and 5 arrows. For a 'fighter', this Sue was poorly equipped.
Without a second thought, the Filipino (Sakira) threw the various weapons into her surroundings, twirling her butterfly knife absentmindedly as she turned to her partner.
"What?"
"Tell me that we're at the Ewok vs. Stormtroopers set, PLEASE tell me that's where we are?"
"Ano..." the younger girl fidgeted.
"I was under extreme pressure, so I inputted the first coordinates that came to mind. And....we're in the Jurrassic Park (book), Velociraptor's nesting grounds, before Ellie, Allen, and the lawyer get here. You know, the place we went to on our 3rd training mission before graduation. Someone put in a T-Rex into the fic, and you got three broken ribs, a broken arm, and a badly lacerated leg, and I got a concussion, snapped leg, sprained ankle, broken collarbone, and a sprained wrist, remember?"
A loud call sounded around them. Pulling her partner with her up into a tree, Sakira fumbled around for the remote activator, feeling a momentary flash of pity for the Sue, as the velociraptors slowly surrounded her.That feeling passed by pretty quickly.
"Sakira."
The younger girl winced and grabbed the remote activator, encoding their office at HQ as her partner watched the beginnings of a gory scene below them. Looking down at the loud scream, Sakira couldn't help but give a small sadistic smile before she opened the portal
"Kill me later. Lets go."
Soon the two were on the floor, slightly disheveled as the taller girl stood up, towering over the now relaxing Sakira.
"YOU BAKA! WHY JURASSIC PARK?! YOU KNOW THAT WE HAD TO GO TO LOOOONG THERAPY SESSIONS FOR THAT AND..."
Ignoring her ranting partner, Sakira put up a 'Do Not Disturb: Ranting Partner' sign on the door before starting her meditations as her partner continued yelling at her.
Mission accomplished.
******************
(A/N Sakira: Konbanwa minna-san! (Good evening everyone for those of us who don't have ANY access to the world of Anime) This was my first PPC fic, done w/ the help of my partner, Kage! We'd REALLY appreciate it if you tell us what you think of it, and if you give us a few other Mary Sues to mess with. ::grins::)
(A/N Kage: Yes, I do worship elves. Can you blame me? They're elves. Enough said. And since that loudmouthed, always talking, never still partner of mine already said the necessary things, g'night and may your dreams be filled with happy little bunnies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a certain idiot to seriously injure. Sakira: *feels loved*)