The Hardest Thing, a harry potter fanfic

Disclaimer & A/N: The characters and the song do NOT belong to me! These belong to JK Rowlings & 98 degrees. I promise you this! This is my second songfic and surprisingly my most angst-filled. This is what happens when you play a CD on repeat for hours and are an extreme night person! LOL Please be gentle when you R&R.

THE HARDEST THING

by Sweetwater Gal

As night travels soon into early twilight, a soft song could be heard brought to life as a story began to unfold

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong

"Hermione, this was a mistake."

She gazed up at him, the love and longing evident in her brown eyes. She nodded numbly as she hung her head to avert looking into those emerald eyes. "I suppose so a foolish mistake. I feel terrible"

"So do I" He bit his tongue to refrain from adding "my love".

"He deserves better they both do" Tears threatened to fall as an image of a handsome gentle red hair man flashed into her mind.

I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep

"At least we can take comfort in knowing that this was all really an attraction and nothing more just purely physical no falling in love involved." He feigned a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood by telling an outright lie. At least it felt like a lie to him. He had no idea whether or not she agreed.

She snapped her head up, her brown eyes flashing upon such words. He felt his heart lurch as he realized that the lie also applied to his beauty before him. Unlike him, however, she verbally proclaimed it as such.

"How can you say such a thing, Harry?!"

His heart told him to take it back—to apologize for saying such words. But suddenly an idea began forming and his reason, wanting to right their wrongs, firmly replied, "Because it's true."

"Not to me it isn't" To his, and her own, shock, Hermione reached out for him. Grabbing his hands, tears now falling, "I love you, Harry."

He couldn't explain it. Something inside of him snapped and Harry seemed to feel as if he was watching himself do what he did next. He couldn't control his actions, nor his words, but merely just watch as he did what his mind, and reluctantly his heart, told him to do.

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

Pulling his hands away, backing away from her as his eyes forced to remain as emotionless as possible, "I'm in love with Ginny. About just as much as you are with Ron. I don't want to lose her not even to you."

"Harry!" She gasped, stunned and hurt by his words, though in her broken heart she saw the truth that he spoke. She opened her mouth to speak, but he continued.

"This was a mistake. I wasn't thinking when I asked you to meet me here in the Astronomy Tower that night when we began this affair. I guess I was just angry and jealous when I thought I saw Malfoy hitting on Ginny, and seeing her not do anything. Not to mention assuming that she was cheating on me with him behind my back when all along he was just tutoring her with Potions."

"Harry" She reached for him, but he pulled back even more.

And what he said next, he knew he finally hit the nail on the coffin on the hope of any future he would have with her. With no going back, "I needed a revenge—a turn about fair play. And since I couldn't find Pansy, I'm only sorry that it had to be with you."

Anger surged through her. An anger that even she could never muster towards both Ron and Malfoy combined. Harry saw the anger and hurt in her eyes, and knowing her all too well, he braced himself as she did what he more than expected her to do. She slapped him right across the face.

"You fuckin' go to hell, you bastard. Ginny doesn't deserve you. I don't deserve you, even though, Wizards I hate myself right now for saying it, even though I still love you. Our friendship is over, Harry. But for Ron and Ginny's sake, I'll be civil with you. But our friendship, whatever the hell we had it's over." And with that, Hermione ran out of the Tower, and out of his life.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be

Hermione ran out of that Tower, tears threatening to blind her. She almost made it back safely to the girls sleeping chambers, but she felt herself fall in the Gryffindor's Common Room, tears blinding her sight. She would have kissed the ground, if he hadn't caught her.

"Hermione? Mione? What's wrong?" His loving eyes stared down at her, filled with love and concern.

She blinked back whatever tears she had left, just enough to take him in. And from there, her life changed all over again. It wasn't the obvious physical features about him that she now began to memorize and fall back in love with it was what was hidden to the outside world except revealed just for her. The love and adoration in his eyes, the way his lips twitched just aching not to turn sour with scorn for whomever caused his beloved to cry, the way his arms kept her both warm and safe without suffocating her. Why hadn't she noticed these things about him when it obviously has been within her grasp all this time?

"Great wizards, Mione, did Malfoy say anything to you? I'll kill him."

She shook her head, not saying a single word. She just basked in his presence. She found it strange, yet comforting, to hear the protective anger in his voice. She would have at first regarded his temper as completely ridiculous. Never again would she take him for granted.

Suddenly his eyes softened then widened in shock, as if a startling realization dawned on him. "Is it Harry? Hermione, did something happen to Harry? Is he in trouble?" Great alarm was in his voice towards the prospective fear of harm happening upon his best friend.

Upon hearing his name, Hermione felt her heart break all over again. Whatever anger and broken pride she had immediately abandoned itself the moment she stepped out of the Tower. Sudden guilt filled her as she recalled her words and her action. Her lips quivered and she found herself hanging her head in shame for she was speechless as how to explain to Ron why she was crying without having to hurt any more people she loved.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

Back in the Astronomy Tower, Harry stood there, frozen with her words and his broken spirit. His head told him that he did the right thing. That he had to do it, if not for himself, but for the three most important people in his life. His head, and reluctantly his heart, told him that Hermione will understand eventually.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to leave the one place that became like heaven on earth to him.

What he said to her about that faithful day was partly true. He had been jealous and angry upon a silly assumption. But he wasn't looking for a turn about fair play he was looking for someone to talk to. And he thought of her. His best friend. His confidante. The one person in this whole damned place that he could trust with everything that he was.

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind

He had asked her to meet him that night, in the Astronomy Tower. Just to talk and nothing more. What he hadn't expected was to fall in love with her. It began with nightly talks together up in the Tower. The talks produced stolen glances and secret smiles. And they both knew suddenly that something was happening between them that they both couldn't avoid. It started with a friendly good night kiss on the cheek that soon turned into something more than they both bargained for. By the end of the night, they were in each other's arms, starting what was to be the end of anything simple between them both.

They hadn't meant for their "affair" to last this long well into the spring semester. He had been with Ginny for about as long as Hermione was with Ron, which was while they were in their sixth year and Ginny in her fifth. They only began their forbidden love at the beginning of Winter Break.

He fell in love with her but yet he still loved Ginny? The true guilt began to fester the moment he discovered the truth behind Ginny's association with Malfoy. And from there on, Harry couldn't bear to know that this love he began with Hermione was wrong from the beginning. No matter how right it felt for him.

Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
There can be no happy ending

"It had to end" He mumbled to himself, trying if any to convince himself.

"Harry?"

Light and loving arms found their way around his waist, causing the young man to tremble with immense sadness and guilt. He gently brought her hands to his lips, sighing into her warmth.

Feeling her head lightly pressed on his back, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, love." He sighed, then gingerly brought her body around to face him. He gazed down at this petite creature before him and another sigh escaped his lips.

Looking up at him with the same trusting eyes that she had first blessed him with six years ago, "You look like you've lost your best friend."

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay

Silently his heart cried "Truth plus so much more."

"Did you and Ron get into another argument? I know how much of a bloody prat my brother can be sometimes. And you know how jealous he can be he's insecure like that why," Ginny, bless her naïve heart, laughed as she said, "Just the other night, while you and Hermione were off in one of your study sessions"

Guilt again ate at his heart for he knew that it was no mere study session, but he kept himself calm to hear his Ginny's story.

"Ron, that jealous fool, began to act completely paranoid and feared that you two were really off snogging somewhere! Isn't that ridiculous?"

Harry gave her a look to which he regretted giving. Eyes were always windows to the soul and at that moment he feared that he gave himself away as he watched Ginny's own eyes widened in shock. He opened his mouth, about to explain himself when

"Oh Harry! Don't get mad at Ron! I shouldn't have even opened my mouth and told you that! I know how upset you get every time Ron's stupid jealousy tantrums get aimed at you."

At that moment, something snapped inside of Harry. He couldn't explain it! Just looking at this delicate lady in his arms, so filled with innocence and trust that he himself didn't deserve nor could comprehend, Harry found himself come to a sudden understanding.

Ever since he left the Tower that night, he had been so conflicted inside. Now he felt nothing but a deep sense of love and duty to make things right. He owed it, if anything, to Ginny. Looking down at her, he began to see her in whole new light that he never saw before. He must have, but never truly praised. Though her eyes revealed complete trust and innocence at first sight one can't for certes be fooled by them. He peered into them and saw a flicker of a fiery woman with a heart of gold. It was no surprise that he found himself jealous of Malfoy and the thought of his foe trying to steal his Virginia away from him. Ginny could very well be an even match for the Slytherin man.

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

Well he was not going to lose Ginny to Draco, that's for certes. Harry refused to have his heart broken again at the thought of losing a beloved to another. He already lost Hermione, and he would have lost Ginny, who seemed to think the world of him, and he couldn't break her heart like that.

Harry pulled her into his arms, deathly afraid to let go. He heard her gasp softly but felt her quiet content. Lightly he kissed the top of her head and murmured just loudly enough for her, and even himself, to hear, "I don't ever want to lose you"

"Hermione? It is Harry, isn't it?" His eyes regarded her with fright, "I wish you would say something, Hermione, or else I'll just go mad with rage and go find out for myself! If that's why you're at a lost for words, because Harry's in trouble yet the stubborn git doesn't want me to get in trouble with him"

"It is only because you would cause me even more trouble than helping me!" A laughing voice appeared suddenly in the Common Room.

Stunned by the voice, Hermione turned around to face him just as Ron's voice cracked from fear into joy. With his wit, "Only to teach you a lesson for either dragging me into trouble with you or catching you getting into trouble without me!"

Both boys met glances, then burst out laughing, while the young ladies just stood by with amused grins.

"You crazy bugger, you! Where were you? I was looking everywhere for you!"

"You were?" Harry asked, surprised. Upon stepping into the Common Room, he had hoped to avoid eye contact with Hermione until the right time arrived. Unfortunately, the time might be sooner than he thought. His eyes flickered momentarily on her, and he couldn't help but feel a light skip and a harsh pinch of guilt. Despite his new found promise to make Ginny happy by his utter devotion, he can't ignore the fact that he still loved Hermione with all his heart.

We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

That momentarily moment their eyes met, Harry was startled to see that she felt the same way. There was something else in her eyes that seemed to puzzle Harry.

"Yes I was! I wanted to borrow your notes from Snape's class. I was too bloody lazy to ask Hermione, so I opted for the next best thing."

"If Harry is what Ron considers as the next best thing' academic wise oh, love, I feel so sorry for whom ever is your alternate after Harry!" Hermione laughed. What surprised both her and Harry was the fact that it didn't sound feigned nor mean. It sounded like like the simplicity of things before.

Harry and Hermione met eyes and found themselves looking into similar souls with the same similar pact each of them made on their own. No matter how much they wanted nor loved each other they couldn't be together. Especially if they made a promise and gave a piece of their heart to another.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

"Hermione? What's wrong? You look like you were crying!" Ginny's worried voice brought the forbidden lovers back to their reality.

For a moment they seemed in a daze, not knowing how to respond. Suddenly, Harry, wanting to do Hermione right, "It's my fault."

Hermione stood there, stunned. Are her ears playing tricks on her? Harry must be mad if he's going to do what she imagined the noble Potter would do! Wanting to stop him from destroying them all by his guilty conscious, "Harry, don't"

Ignoring her, with a sheepish grin, "I took my temper out on Hermione tonight. I was annoyed by something that Malfoy had said earlier and while Hermione was trying to calm me down, I just took it out on her and said some mean things that shouldn't have been said." To Hermione, and with as much love and honesty he could give her. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I could never hurt my best friend."

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry

He never stopped short of amazing her. Completely moved, yet still a bit plagued by yet another of their white lies they had to give to their loves, Hermione began to cry again.

Ron rolled his eyes at his girl, "If there's anything worse than her sharp tongue, it's her crying! Women!" He threw his hands up in mock frustration, which earned him a good nudge in the ribcage by her.

"So that explains why you looked so lost when I found you." Ginny spoke, her eyes meeting Harry's with a trust that began to eat at his conscious.

He numbly nodded, and felt still a bit worse as she gave him a hug. "Harry, you could never lose Hermione. She'll always be your best friend! I mean, Ron had probably said way more nastier things to her than you and look at them now!" She laughed, though earning herself an annoyed look from her brother's face.

Placing his arms around Hermione, he mumbled out loud yet all good and naturally, "That is all unfortunately true"

"Really?" Harry looked upon Hermione, wanting to know if she would keep to her word made up at the Tower.

Her eyes revealed all that need to be shown, shining with love beyond that of friendship, yet hiding it enough from the eyes of the innocent. "You're my best friend, Harry. Always will be. No matter what words were said they were as is, just words."

I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be

As they held each other's gazes, a calm finally found them again. A more content peace. An even better good bye than the one they had back at the Astronomy Tower.

Ron yawned and kissed Hermione's neck, muttering, "It's getting late. I'm going to bed." He looked into Hermione's eyes, and a relief washed over him to see the pain had vanished from her eyes. "You okay now, love?"

Smiling a smile she designed just for him, "I am now." Gently she pulled him in for a good night kiss, to which he equally enjoyed and returned.

When it was over, Ron turned to Harry. "Okay, go give that sister of mine a bloody good night snog then let's get back up to our rooms so that you can give me your notes."

"Uh, Ron," Hermione began, first looking at him than Harry. "Can I just have a moment's time with Harry first? I need to talk with him about something."

Ron gave Harry a questioning glance, to which Harry eased his friend's worry. "It's okay, Ron. Just give me five minutes. And if I'm not back yet, send for the Aurors!" Harry laughed, causing a grin to form on his friend's face.

"Okay, Harry." Ron walked up to his baby sister, gave her a soft kiss on the forehead, then made his way to bed.

Ginny gave Harry a reaffirming smile, "Don't worry, Harry. Hermione won't bite, right?" She winked at her friend, not knowing, thank the heavens, the truth behind it all. To Hermione, "You be gentle with my Harry, Hermione. It's a good thing that I'm not the jealous type like my brother! Not to mention that I know you two would never do such a thing!" She laughed, blind to the irony.

Harry feigned a laugh, as did Hermione. Both were amazed to how real the laughter was that paranoia would have set in had Ginny given them a peculiar look. Instead she kissed Harry good night, gave Hermione a sisterly peck on the cheek too, and left to her bed.

They both watched the two most important people in their lives walk up to bed. Both so unaware of the ugly truth that could destroy much more than friendships but hearts and trusts as well.

"Harry" Hermione began, forcing herself to look up into the eyes that she loved so much yet can never drown herself in again. "What we're doing what we must do now for something so simple, it's the most hardest thing I've ever had to do." She sighed, tears threatening to fall again.

"We love them too much, Hermione." Harry spoke, sharing the same pain and heartache. "And you're right for something as simple as letting go, it is so hard for me to let you go."

"I know you never meant those words."

"Same here."

Looking at each other one last time as lovers, for in the morn they would gaze upon each other as friends, each whispered, "I love you" and went their separate ways.

And even then, that simple act of going to bed was the hardest thing they ever had to do.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
I don't want to live a lie
What can I do