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How many Dark Lords does it take to light up a wand?
~Two: One to light it, one to kill him and take the credit [by Melisa Spellcaster]
[A/n: Here are several by Ithica]
How many Death Eaters does it take to light a wand?
~Just one, but if Voldemort doesn't like how he did it, he'll be sorry.
How many members of the infamous Trio does it take to light a wand?
~All three of them. Harry to light the wand, Ron to be jealous of his wand-lighting ability, and Hermione to give the complete history of wands and the 'Lumos' spell.
How many ghosts does it take to light a wand?
~Answer, as given by Moaning Myrtle: That's so insensitive! How can you ask me that when you know perfectly well I can't hold a wand because I'm...I'm...
*bursts into hysterical sobs and flushes herself to go spy on the Prefects*
How many werewolves does it take to light a wand?
~Remus can do it! He's the best Defense teacher ever!
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?
~A lot fewer if Hermione wasn't standing around distracting them by correcting their pronunciation.
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?
~One, and it has to be Lucius: Draco's too busy using his to hex Harry and Narcissa's afraid she'll break a nail.
How many Weasleys does it take to light a wand?
~One, but they have to wade through a pile of the twins' fake ones first.
How many Creeveys does it take to light up a wand?
~Three, one to light it up, one to take some pictures, and one to run and brag to Harry about it all [by V. S. Bilyak]
[A/n: A couple more by Urania]
How many Ollivanders does it take to light a wand?
~Hundreds. Each one to light a different wand until they find the right one.
How many Lockharts does it take to light a wand?
~Five. One to look at the wand and be confused, one to get a good wizard to do it for him, one to wipe the good wizard's memory, one to publish a book about it, and one to sign the book.
How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand? (supposing she wanted to light fire from it, not light it up)
~Three. One to wonder if there's any wood around, one to remember that she's a witch and can use magic, and one to do the spell perfectly.
How many Hagrids does it take to light a wand?
~Two. One to light it and one to explain why his pink umbrella just lit up.
How many Dudleys does it take to light a wand?
~Three. One to find Harry's wand and take it out of greed and curiosity, one to accidently light it up, and one to freak out because that means he's a wizard.
How many Blast-Ended Skewts does it toake to light up a wand?
~No one's been willing to get close enough to find out. [by Chablis Jameson]
How many divination proffessors does it take to ligt a wand?
~One, but it's sure to be the sign of dreadful things to come. [by Ginavere]
How mant Tom Marvolo Riddles does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but he has to write all about it in his diary first. [by Sakura-Revolution]
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light up a wand?
~None. All of them are too busy with their deep dark secrets, being Voldemort's daughter, and fixing their naturally blonde hair to care! [by Seeker-2000]
A/n: Sometimes they have black hair ...
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[A/n: Elspeth sent in three lightbulb jokes. Whatever.]
How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?
~One. He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to change a lightbulb?
~None; they're all too scared of the dark to try.
How many Slytherins does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?
or, alternatively:
None, they make a Hufflepuff do it for them.
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How many Neville Longbottoms does it take to light a wand?
~Only one, but he'll need Malfoy to scare him into doing it, first. [by Cassandra Anthemyst]
How many founders of Hogwarts does it take to light a wand?
~Four, two to get into a fight about which house is better, one to shake her head at their antics and one to light the bloody wand! [by Ariana Deralte]
How many butterbeers does it take to light a wand?
~Zero, the more you drink, the harder it is to do the spell. [by Ariana Deralte]
How many mysterious strangers does it take to light a wand?
~None, he wouldn't want to be recognized now would he? On the other hand, if you want a dragon's egg... [by Ariana Deralte]
How many History of Magic teachers does it take to light up a wand?
~Two, one to do it and the other to keep the class awake long enough to see it. [by Kat Burnell]
[A/n: And five excellent ones by Kocchi Highwind]
How many Death Eaters does it take to light up a wand?
~Just one, but you'll have to find one that still has a hand.
How many Ministry of Magic employees does it take to light up a wand?
~Two, one to do the lighting and one to file the appropriate forms in triplicate.
How many Ministry of Magic employees does it take to light up a wand?
~One (1), as per international standards.
How many Obliviators does it take to light up a wand?
~I forget.
How many Unspeakables does it take to light up a wand?
~Nobody knows.
A/n: I love those two.
How many Hogwarts students does it take to light up a wand?
~Four; one Hufflepuff to look up the spell, one Ravenclaw to perform it, and one Gryffindor and one Slytherin to argure about it. [by TundraWolf]
[A/n: Loads from SilverSerpent]
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?
~One, but he has to have Hermione telling him how.
How many Ginny Weasleys does it take to light a wand?
~One, but only after she fawns over Harry and gets yelled at by Ron.
How many Professor Quirrells does it take to light a wand?
~One, but he has to be told by Voldemort how to do it.
How many Mirror of Eriseds does it take to light a wand?
~None, the person in front of it just has to want it lit really bad.
[A/n: Tomboy D decided to join in on the fun ...]
How many Moaning Myrtles does it take to light up a wand?
~How can you talk about lighting up in front of me? Of course, Myrtle is dead, lets all tease her, she can't light up a wand...
How many Peeves does it take to light up a wand?
~Why would I want to light up a wand when I can 'light up' Mrs Norris?
How many Mr. Filches does it take to light up a wand?
~You.. you found out.. Professor Dumbledore he knows I am a Squib!!!
How many Griffindor Quidditch Seekers does it take to light up a wand?
~If it is more then one, than they are in deep ... trouble and will never win House Cup.
How many Harrys takes to light up a wand?
~Zero, because he has to count with a possibility of wand being a Portkey, so no touchie.
How many Professors Trelawney does it take to light up a wand?
One one, but "...oh, my Inner Eyes sees... it is getting closer..."
"Not another Grim!"
"Shut up Miss Granger, and you two stop sniggering"
How many Harrys does it take to light up a wand?
~Only one, but he has to put up with Colin Creevey running around him with a flashing camera: "That was awesome Harry, look here Harry. Here Harry! Over here!"
[A/n: Lots from Mercy]
How many Vampires does it take to light a wand?
~Only one I think, but when I realized it was a Vampire, I didn't wait around to see if there were any more.
How many Defense against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?
~No one knows really, they never hold the position long enough to do it.
How many Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?
~Actually, they all can, but they need to make sure it's not evil first.
How many Divinatons Professors does it take to light a wand.
~Only one, but she has to wait until the stars are aligned just so...and Lavender and Parvati need to be there to marvel over it.
How many Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?
~They all can, but Professor Snape could do it so much better a job of it, I'm sure.
[A/n: amadeus went crazy. I've only published the ones that have to do
with demographic groups in the books (i.e. no mimes lighting wands), but there are several more in
the reviews if you want to go read those. Just for the record, that's
my criteria, that the people lighting the wands have to be in the books. That, and fanfic writers or Mary-Sues. Those are ok too.]
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light a wand?
~Well, that depends on whether she's Harry's new girlfriend who has mysterious powers or his twin sister who just miraculously dissappeared from all records and memory 15 years ago.
How many Hagrids does it take to light a wand?
~Hagrid: "Nope, haven' got one. They snapped it when I was expelled in me third year. Could make a nice fire with this here umbrella, though, if you promise not to tell no one.
I'm not really suppos'd to be doin' magic, you know. Sausuge, Harry?
How many fanfiction writers does it take to light a wand?
~Well, if we had wands we would surely be far too busy helping Harry and co. defeat the dark lord to worry about silly wand-lighting.
How many Arthur Weasleys does it take to light a wand?
~Just one. But he'd be much more fascinated in a muggle flashlight, especially if he could find one with a plug.
How many Slytherins/Gryffindors/Ravenclaws/Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?
~Just one. But he/she died about a thousand years ago.
How many Weasley twins does it take to light a wand?
~Molly: "Oh no you don't. They're enough trouble already without getting ideas from the likes of you!"
How many Harry Potter obsessors does it take to light a wand?
~Dunno. I've memorized every word of all four books and the movie and they doesn't say. I could recite them if you don't believe me.
How many Lavenders and Parvatis does it take to light a wand?
~Either one can do it. But they'll both be sure to giggle and whisper conspirationally in each others ears while they do.
How many Dumbledores does it take to light a wand?
~You'll know when you're old enough, Harry, when you're ready and the time is right.
A/n: That one was great.
How many Voldemorts does it take to light a wand?
~I'm a bit afraid to ask him just now. He seems a bit preoccupied in his attempts to kill Harry Potter.
How many corny jokes does it take to light a wand?
~I don't know. Perhaps you would like to shed some ....light... on us? Hehe. Hehe. Heh.... Oh. Nevermind then.
This brings the total to 164, and my wand's not lit yet.