A/N + Disclaimer: I was bored and this idea of the Shinra Office Party had been bubbling up in my head, so I did it. It has a lot of Elena, because I love her. ^^: It's a humor/satire fic, which basically laughs at FF7 yaoi-fics (I do like slash, but yaoi ain't my cup of tea, it just makes me laugh, basically) and some other things. It's also a song-fic on Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. I'm sorry it has so little of Reeve and absolutely nada of some people who might be related with Shinra, like Sephiroth. This fic is kind of out of game. I left out Hojo, because he is just a fucking freak. Nada. Sorry. Ol' man Shinra is still the president and Rufus is the man on the vice-president's job.
This fic relies on dialogues and describtions on the situation. The song lyrics are italic and sang by Elena. I do not own the lyrics and copyrights of "Kryptonite", it's written by Brad Arnold, Matt Roberts and Todd Harrell. I do not own FF7 or the Shinra Inc or their employees, it's all owned by Squaresoft. Chacha, on to the fic!
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"Firstly I have to point out that you handled the catering quite poorly. Even Palmer, who would've ordered as much lard as possible would've done a better job."
"Oh quit yapping, you old hag. The President might hear us."
"I still think this paté tastes awful."
"Well, boss shouldn't have signed me on the fucking catering-job. It's his own goddamn fault."
"Reno, I don't think you should talk about the President in that matter. He might hear and get upset. Not that I care for your job's sake, I only care for my own."
"Go fuck Tseng, Elena, I don't give a shit about anything you say. Go to Rude and tell him that I need to talk to him. He's over there, trying to smile at the drunk, flirting Scarlet, with the horse laughter. Go, go, run along, Lena!"
"Like I will! That's your own business, I'm going to go drink some punch to get this bad taste from my mouth."
And so Elena swayed off to the table, where the punch and the other delicacies were served. Reno was hanging out on the balcony, smoking a cigarette, trying to hide the annoying casualty of Shinra Office Parties. It was full of ass-kissing and fake smiling. Whoever ended up in bed together was no particular suprise the next morning, when the night had been forgotten about.
"Hiya gorgeous."
"Uhh, boss, *ahem*, hiya..."
"Whaddya say we leave this stupid party and hit my place?"
"Uhh, geesh, I dunno boss.. Gotta work tomorrow and all.. I-I.. should probably be off!"
"Off to my place? Good. I've got many things I wish to try--"
"Boss.. Please, don't be so close, people might see."
"I don't really see what's the problem, Reno, I mean we're lo-"
"Tseng! WE'RE NOT!!"
"...Pardon me?"
"Oh god, err, we ain't lovers, boss.."
"You think so, Reno?"
"Yeah, I do. I mean, I may be a hot, bishounen looking bad boy, but I ain't gay."
"But--"
"I ain't your slut, Tseng!"
Now it was time for Reno to run off, with tears in his eyes. After years of sexual abuse and harrasment in the office, he had learned to drown his anger with alcohol, but even Rude, his best friend didn't know the hell he suffered daily. Reno stormed off at the party. No more of this, he thought. No more.
"So.. Dahling, can I take a look at your pistol? Have I told you how much I adore men with guns? They just--"
"...You've told me."
"Yes, but then you probably know it's true. I also like gorgeous, bulky men like yourself, Rude-boy. Why don't we have men like you in SOLDIER? Kya haha.."
"Don't know."
"Oh you're so shy, kya hahahah. I will cure that, honey, no problemo, okay?"
"........"
"Hello, mister? Listen, I won't take that attitude, not even if you were the president's son!"
"I'm not the President's son, m'am."
"I know that! But if you were, I wouldn't take that from you or from ANYONE!"
"......."
"I'm a proud woman, and I don't let no boy-faced, cruel bastard treat me like I ain't a real woman, you know? I'm SO over him, and I hope he knows it."
"..........."
"That's right, I'm over him! I don't need that lying squirrel anymore. I'm not hooked on the great sex we had or the jewellery he bribed me with! I'm OVER him. Period, baby! Woohoo!"
".....Squirrel?"
"Ohh who gives a shit, Rude-boy! I'm a woman and I'm over that bastard! Kya hahahaha. Let's celebrate! Hey, you, blonde girl, c'mon here!"
"L-lady Scarlet?"
"Yes, hun, now what's your name, luv?"
"I-I'm Maroon, m'am. I'm a waitress in here."
"Nice to meet you, dahling. Have you ever been dumped by a cruel, emotionless man?"
"I-I suppose I have m'am, ma-maybe once.."
"Well, you know what, dear? Tonight's the night for..."
Scarlet passed out in the arms of a puzzled blonde waitress, who looked scared, so Rude picked unconscious Scarlet on his arms and carried her to the red couch on the other side of the room. He sighed. The night was a usual Shinra Office Party. First victim of the free booze was already down. Others were to go fast down soon. Too bad, Rude thought. He thought the party was just getting started.
"Gwa hahahahahah."
"Heidegger?"
"Yes, mr President?"
"Shut up."
"Whyy, yes mister President."
"And secondly, Heidegger."
"What is it, mister President?"
"Kiss me."
"OW! Who the hell.."
"Hehehe. Hello, Elena!"
"PALMER, you dirty son of a bitch! Did you just pinch me in the butt?"
"Meee? Innocent, angelic meeee?"
"Yes, you, Palmer, you fat lard-loving bastard."
"Touché, little miss. Wanna warm up my bed tonight?"
"Oh fuck off, Palmer."
"Is that a yeees?"
"Noooo."
"Is that a nooo?"
"Ha ha. I ain't falling for that, Palmer. If you'll excuse me now I must go speak with my boss."
"Eleeeeena. Cooome to me, baybeee..."
But the blond-haired lady had already walked far, far away. Palmer cussed. It wasn't his night. Usually, at Shinra Office Parties, a handsome man like himself could always get some lady-company. Tonight the bitches were cold and the punch was warm. Palmer set his eyes on the stage. Maybe something good could come up after all...
"S-sir?"
"Yes, Elena?"
"You seem tired, sir."
"I am, Elena. What is it?"
"Well, I was wondering if you had seen Reno. We're supposed to get on stage in a few minutes."
"Oh, Reno.. I think he.. went home."
"Hahaha. You must be kidding. Reno would never leave the Office Party."
"Well, he did this time."
"Why on SOLDIER would he have done that? Knowing Reno, he'd always stay if there was free booze around."
".......Suppose.. so..."
"I mean, he's always the last one to leave the bar. Like, everytime we're at Seventh Heaven or wherever, he's always moaning when me and Rude are getting out of the place. It's kind of funny, this one time at Seventh Heaven, this chick brings us the booze and Reno starts to cry and I'm like 'What's the matter Reno?' and he says 'I'm just so sad that soon all this booze is going to be gone and we might not be able to get anymore', I mean, how funny.. Sir, sir, what's the matter?"
"Oh for dear Cetra's sake, Elena, I don't know!"
The leader of the Turks walked off, leaving puzzled Elena on her place near the corner of the room. Elena sighed. This party wasn't going like she had planned to. This was only her second Shinra Office Party. But she knew a lot about these parties. She had other things to worry about then Tseng right now, though. Showtime!
"....Finally."
"Sorry, man. I had to get some fresh air."
"Reno. I know about Tseng."
"Huh?"
"I know what he's been ....doing to you."
"...You don't, Rude, you don't."
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I didn't see it earlier."
"No, Rude, not now.. I... *sob* get tears.."
"....."
"Let's just get onstage, okay, Rude? It's.. *sob* showtime."
"Wipe your tears, Irish boy."
"Wha? I ain't Irish!"
".....Whatever."
"Thank you, thank you, people. This year, at the annual Shinra Office Party, us Turks have decided to play a little song for you entartaiment.. Let me first introduce you the band.."
"YO, BABE, TAKE IT OFF!!!"
"Haha, don't think I will, Reeve. I saw you inside that Mog-uniform. Hehe."
"...What, me, now I'm just a regular mog!"
"A regular stuffed mog? Yeah yeah, anyway tonight's orchestra is me, Elena as a singer. Then there's our dear Rude-boy, heh, behind the drumset. Reno, the redhead on the bass and you see this little thing here? It's my guitar! So shall we get started, Reno? He's on the back-up vocals, as well."
"...Uhh, sure, Elena."
"Don't be shy, Reno! Say it to the mic!"
"Sure, Elena."
"Good! Now, would you tell them about our song, Rude?"
".....No."
"Argh, you're so dull, Rude, hehe. Okay, so the song we're going to play is a cover-piece. It's called "F.O.D" and it was originally written and recorded by a band called Green Day."
"HUH?!?!"
"GREEN DAY! Anyway, hit it guys!"
"....Elena."
"Yeah, Rude? C'mon, let's hit it! One, two, one two three--"
"We're not playing that song."
"Wha?"
"I thought we agreed we were going to play Britney Spears' Crazy."
"WHAT?! I am not singing any pop-slut songs!"
"She's a singer-dancer, Elena."
"Whatever, Reno! I'm not singing her songs!"
"Why not?"
"I don't want to!"
"We ain't playing that stupid Pink Day-song, either."
"Green Day, Reno, Green Day. How about.. Kryptonite?"
"Kryptonite.. Hmm, I'm down with it. Whaddya say, Rude?"
"...Suits me."
Every Shinra-worker's eyes were on the young woman behind the microphone, playing her electric guitar carefully, pulling the strings with her small fingers. Reno was pacing around the stage while plucking his bass. Rude started to drum slowly, when it was his time to get in and Elena walked to the microphone.
"I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind I left my body laying somewherein the sands of time I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah"
Pause. People were slowly swaying to the music. Elena felt alive. Reno felt bored. Palmer felt turned on.
"I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon after all I knew it had to be something to do with you I really don't mind what happens now and then as long as you'll my friend at the end."
Tseng glanced at the bass-player who looked out of this existence. I love you, Reno, he thought and felt a tear fall down on his cheek as Elena's silky, honey-voice sang:
"If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman if I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might, kryptonite.."
The chorus ended as Scarler felt the banging of the drums echo in her mind as she got up from the sofa. The world rang in her ears and her eyesight was so blurry she fell down. A pair of strong arms grabbed her before she fell down. She stared into the green pools as the strong bass seemed to mingle with her heart. The blond bishounen answered to her puzzled look:
"Hello, Scarlet."
"You call me strong, you call me weak, but still your secrets I will keep you took for granted all the times I never let you down you stumbled in and bumped your head, if not for me then you would be dead, I picked you up and put you back on solid ground
Elena jammed and was getting to the mood. She didn't know she loved music this much. She smiled at Rude. Rude was a really good drummer. Palmer thought Elena was really good, and was thinking of telling her that after the show. Elena saw his look. Elena felt disgusted.
"If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might,kryptonite..."
Rufus never meant to break this woman's heart. He never meant to cause her pain, he never meant to break up with her, leave her in the rain, walk away coldly and leave her there with the beast called Dark Nation. Now the woman was screaming at him, but he couldn't hear the half because of the loud music. He didn't care. This bitch wasn't going to slip away so easy. He grinned.
"If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might,kryptonite..."
Elena ended the song with a slowly sung chorus and Rude ended the song with a silencing drum fill. The audience applauded. Elena smiled and glanced at Tseng. He wasn't there. Well fuck him, then, Elena thought and thanked the audience on the microphone.
"Alright, Rude! You did EXCELLENT on the drumset!"
"...You think?"
"Hell yeah! You were great!"
"....Thanks. It was my job."
"But only for tonight, my fellow Turk."
"...Where is Reno?"
"He left the stage early. I wonder where the hell he could be?!"
"...Elena."
"Relax."
"What? I am relaxed!"
"You're overexcited."
"No, I'm not! I'm just happy!"
"...Shut up."
"You know, I don't think I will, because I think I have the right to--"
"Elena."
"Yeah?"
"Kiss me, you fool."
"Thought I'd find you here.."
"You."
"Reno.."
"DO NOT TOUCH ME!"
"Okay.. I won't... But let me explain."
"What do you have to explain? You've caused me traumas, Tseng, traumas! My scars WILL NEVER HEAL, Tseng! NEVER."
"I want to say sorry. That's all."
"So do it and leave."
"I'm sorry, Reno. I loved you and you didn't."
"Okay."
"Goodbye, Reno.."
"Wait, boss.. You said you loved me?"
"Yes, why?"
"You don't love me anymore?"
"Reno.. I.. I don't know. I don't know."
"Tseng."
"Yes?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
Reno didn't understand himself and who the fuck could blame him. I mean the guy's literally raped at his own working place by his boss and at the next office party he's on his arms, going "Oh Tseng, I love you". What the hell? (At this point the author doesn't know about herself anymore, but doesn't give a hell. She just wants every paired up.)
"Heeello, pretty little lady!"
"Oh! Mr. Palmer, would you like the last piece of the sandwich-cake we have in here?"
"Ooooh, I would so dearly, yes yes yes. Yummy."
"You think so? I made it myself."
"What's your name, lovely lady?"
"M-maroon, sir.."
"Maroon."
"Yes, sir?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
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End. To clear up, here are the pairings of this fic:
President Shinra X Heidegger (Say it with me: EWW!!!)
Elena X Rude (Yada-yada... This is one of those "why-not" pairings.
Reno X Tseng (As if you hadn't seen it a million times!)
Palmer X The Odd Waitress Girl called Maroon (All I can say is; Poor girl. ;_;)
Rufus Shinra X Scarlet (Scarlet is a bitch, but because of this fic I learned to understand her. She's just a lost little birdie. Let Rufus have her. LMAO)
And I might aswell have you all know that one aspiring ninja girl stole samples from Shinra's secret laboratory and is now able to produce materia on her own from birch-tree leaves. Ha-ha! Serves you good, Shinra-pigs, she yelled and before anyone could catch her, she had already crossed the ocean. Well whaddya know.
Read and Review, pls.