[Author's Note] Ten chapters and counting. The volume of jokes
in this collection is really starting to alarm me.
Note: Next chapter is the Gryffindors. (Keep sending them in!)
After that, I'm going to completely rearrange the collection so that
it's subdivided into demographics. Then I'll just post any new jokes
in the appropriate category whenever they come in. Thanks to everyone
who's made this such a huge collection, and so much fun. On to the
corn:
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[A/n: Three from AIT the Almighty Spork, on a Shakespeare high, apparently]
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?
~None, they make their house-elf do it.
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?
~One, but first he has to sneer at the Mudbloods.
How many Dementors does it take to light a wand?
~A Dementor? With a wand? That's a scary thought.
How many Harry Potters does it take to light up a wand?
~One. Last time I checked he was singular. [by Chablis Jameson]
How many Barty Crouch Jr.s does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but his being dead might hinder him a tad. [by Chablis Jameson]
How many Mary Sues does it take to light a wand?
~One. And in the process, she'll build a lasting friendship between Harry and Draco, make Ron and both twins fall in love with her, academically outshine Hermione, make Fleur jealous of her looks, make Wood jealous of her Quidditch prowess, and die a tragic, noble death that saddens everyone. But we're all better people for it. (Let's all light our wands in memory. How many sarcastic people with lame wand-lighting jokes will it take...) [by Charon]
[A/n: Guess what, guys! We got our first good flame! Here it is, in its original form:]
"Mione" writes: Glares don't u dare make fun of the weasleys. I HAVE BRIGHT RED HAir to i bet your a hufflepuff. Oh heres one HOW MANY SLYTHERINS DOES IT TAKE TO LIGHT A WAND? 3 cause there dummer than the hufflepuffs. so i change it your a slytherin
[A/n: These were sent in by an anonymous "Someone"]
How many Moodys does it take to light up a wand?
~We don't know, he was going to do it, but then he turned Malfoy into a ferret instead and then he turned out to be Crouch's son in disguise.
How many Crabbes does it take to light up a wand?
~You've got to be kidding right? I have never seen Crabbe do a bit of magic! Malfoy does it for him so he can have a body guard!
How many Goyles does it take to light up a wand?
~See joke above...
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but he'll die right after he accuses Harry of doing it because he was foolish enough to say Harry's name in front of the Dark Lord who is extremely peed off that Harry got away from him for the forth time in 15 years.
How many 'How many' jokes does it take to light up a wand?
~We don't know, I've seen eight chapters chock full of them.
How many Fanfic authors will it take to light up a wand?
~Evidently we are all too busy typing up these jokes to try. :}
How many veelas does it take to light a wand?
~One, but you'll have to stand beside a couple leprechauns and have them make her real angry so she turns into a bird thingy and throws fireballs at you! [by Tiger]
[A/n: Five from the apocryphally-named Ginny Potter]
How many Pettigrews does it take to light a wand?
~One; he lights it, blows up a street, and turns into a rat.
How many gigantic spiders does it take to light a wand?
~None; they're too busy eating them.
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light a wand?
~One...and hers is *just* like Harry's.
How many fanfiction writers does it take to light a wand?
~Who knows? They're too busy explaining how smooth and glossy it is.
How many Filches does it take to light a wand?
~None...he swishes his broom and flicks his cat instead.
[A/n: Three from Kelso44]
How many Dobbys does it take to light a wand?
~ Four: one to learn how to light the wand, one to light the wand, one to explain to the ministry, and one to "save" Harry from the dangerous flames.
How many Fleurs does it take to light a wand?
~None, she has a ton of males dying to do it for her. And if they don't she'll turn into a freaky bird thing and eat them...
How many Crabbes and Goyles does it take to light a wand?
~About 500: They all try but fail, until one of them throws it into a fireplace in frustration.
How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?
~78.('sung like the 12 days of christmas')12 that are gloating,11 that are sneering,10 that are sniggering,9 hurting feelings,8 telling snape,7 getting in trouble,6 telling father,5 sitting around,4 getting house elves,3 stuffing their faces,2 thugs guarding,and the 1 that is lighting the waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd!!!!![by Hufflepuffer242]
How many Dark Lords does it take to light up a wand?
~You've got two choices: all of them, because they'll end up killing each other with their light (green is such a lovely color) or one, to avoid the killins. [by Taracollowen]
How many Fan authors does it take to light a wand?
~None. The wand will be lit with the power of the love between Harry and Draco... if only they can get along first! Please R/R! [by Winged Kamui]
or, alternately,
~None. Why light up a wand when you can incinerate a Mary Sue? [by Winged Kamui]
How many Harry Potter Obsessors does it take to light a wand?
~Quiet, they're reading the fourth book... [by Rubi Granger]
How many Professor Trelawneys does it take to light a wand?
~...But there was only one the last time I checked... Oh my gosh-- Trelawney has an evil twin!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! RUN AWAY!!! [by Rubi Granger]
How many Beauxbatons students does it take to light a wand?
~One, but zey must be careful zat zey do not smudge zere robes.
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?
~None- such menial labor is best left to those *other* Houses. [by Lilly Beth]
[A/n: And to top it off, five by Crystal Cattail]
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but a gigantic, glittering green skull will shoot out of it, terrifying everyone within 50 miles.
How many muggles does it take to light up a wand?
~Wand? You mean that weird stick of wood you left lying around? Oh, they threw it away.
How many Poltergeists does it take to light up a wand?
~Depends....will lighting it cause somebody to suffer?
How many Boggarts will it take to light up a wand?
~One, but they'll have a really hard time finding somebody who's afraid of one.
How many spiders does it take to light up a wand?
~There's none around to do it because Ron discovered pesticide yesterday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[A/n: Three from AIT the Almighty Spork, on a Shakespeare high, apparently]
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?
~None, they make their house-elf do it.
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?
~One, but first he has to sneer at the Mudbloods.
How many Dementors does it take to light a wand?
~A Dementor? With a wand? That's a scary thought.
How many Harry Potters does it take to light up a wand?
~One. Last time I checked he was singular. [by Chablis Jameson]
How many Barty Crouch Jr.s does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but his being dead might hinder him a tad. [by Chablis Jameson]
How many Mary Sues does it take to light a wand?
~One. And in the process, she'll build a lasting friendship between Harry and Draco, make Ron and both twins fall in love with her, academically outshine Hermione, make Fleur jealous of her looks, make Wood jealous of her Quidditch prowess, and die a tragic, noble death that saddens everyone. But we're all better people for it. (Let's all light our wands in memory. How many sarcastic people with lame wand-lighting jokes will it take...) [by Charon]
[A/n: Guess what, guys! We got our first good flame! Here it is, in its original form:]
"Mione" writes: Glares don't u dare make fun of the weasleys. I HAVE BRIGHT RED HAir to i bet your a hufflepuff. Oh heres one HOW MANY SLYTHERINS DOES IT TAKE TO LIGHT A WAND? 3 cause there dummer than the hufflepuffs. so i change it your a slytherin
[A/n: These were sent in by an anonymous "Someone"]
How many Moodys does it take to light up a wand?
~We don't know, he was going to do it, but then he turned Malfoy into a ferret instead and then he turned out to be Crouch's son in disguise.
How many Crabbes does it take to light up a wand?
~You've got to be kidding right? I have never seen Crabbe do a bit of magic! Malfoy does it for him so he can have a body guard!
How many Goyles does it take to light up a wand?
~See joke above...
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but he'll die right after he accuses Harry of doing it because he was foolish enough to say Harry's name in front of the Dark Lord who is extremely peed off that Harry got away from him for the forth time in 15 years.
How many 'How many' jokes does it take to light up a wand?
~We don't know, I've seen eight chapters chock full of them.
How many Fanfic authors will it take to light up a wand?
~Evidently we are all too busy typing up these jokes to try. :}
How many veelas does it take to light a wand?
~One, but you'll have to stand beside a couple leprechauns and have them make her real angry so she turns into a bird thingy and throws fireballs at you! [by Tiger]
[A/n: Five from the apocryphally-named Ginny Potter]
How many Pettigrews does it take to light a wand?
~One; he lights it, blows up a street, and turns into a rat.
How many gigantic spiders does it take to light a wand?
~None; they're too busy eating them.
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light a wand?
~One...and hers is *just* like Harry's.
How many fanfiction writers does it take to light a wand?
~Who knows? They're too busy explaining how smooth and glossy it is.
How many Filches does it take to light a wand?
~None...he swishes his broom and flicks his cat instead.
[A/n: Three from Kelso44]
How many Dobbys does it take to light a wand?
~ Four: one to learn how to light the wand, one to light the wand, one to explain to the ministry, and one to "save" Harry from the dangerous flames.
How many Fleurs does it take to light a wand?
~None, she has a ton of males dying to do it for her. And if they don't she'll turn into a freaky bird thing and eat them...
How many Crabbes and Goyles does it take to light a wand?
~About 500: They all try but fail, until one of them throws it into a fireplace in frustration.
How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?
~78.('sung like the 12 days of christmas')12 that are gloating,11 that are sneering,10 that are sniggering,9 hurting feelings,8 telling snape,7 getting in trouble,6 telling father,5 sitting around,4 getting house elves,3 stuffing their faces,2 thugs guarding,and the 1 that is lighting the waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd!!!!![by Hufflepuffer242]
How many Dark Lords does it take to light up a wand?
~You've got two choices: all of them, because they'll end up killing each other with their light (green is such a lovely color) or one, to avoid the killins. [by Taracollowen]
How many Fan authors does it take to light a wand?
~None. The wand will be lit with the power of the love between Harry and Draco... if only they can get along first! Please R/R! [by Winged Kamui]
or, alternately,
~None. Why light up a wand when you can incinerate a Mary Sue? [by Winged Kamui]
How many Harry Potter Obsessors does it take to light a wand?
~Quiet, they're reading the fourth book... [by Rubi Granger]
How many Professor Trelawneys does it take to light a wand?
~...But there was only one the last time I checked... Oh my gosh-- Trelawney has an evil twin!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! RUN AWAY!!! [by Rubi Granger]
How many Beauxbatons students does it take to light a wand?
~One, but zey must be careful zat zey do not smudge zere robes.
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?
~None- such menial labor is best left to those *other* Houses. [by Lilly Beth]
[A/n: And to top it off, five by Crystal Cattail]
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but a gigantic, glittering green skull will shoot out of it, terrifying everyone within 50 miles.
How many muggles does it take to light up a wand?
~Wand? You mean that weird stick of wood you left lying around? Oh, they threw it away.
How many Poltergeists does it take to light up a wand?
~Depends....will lighting it cause somebody to suffer?
How many Boggarts will it take to light up a wand?
~One, but they'll have a really hard time finding somebody who's afraid of one.
How many spiders does it take to light up a wand?
~There's none around to do it because Ron discovered pesticide yesterday.