Warnings: Language and implied themes.

Legolas' Diary

Day, I don't care: Rivendell

Another typical day horseback riding to Elrond's. Not only did I get saddle rash but I got a hangnail too! Those damn things hurt! Ugh, there went my manicure! Arrived at Rivendell a day early....very pleased with myself. I'm such a terrific horse back rider. I mean, who on Middle Earth could be better then me....especially with looks? 'Accidentally' bumped into Arwen bathing in the stream....I lost my vision for a moment and felt very nauseated. To relieve the feeling I just gazed at myself in the mirror for an hour...did my body good. Went to a stupid council....volunteered to help the Ringbearer....am I stupid or what? Why do I get myself into these situations? Almost killed a dwarf named.....Oh how am I supposed to remember that vile creature's name? Do you know that disgusting dwarf spat on me?! Me?! Of all the nerve! I spent the entire night bathing and I still feel dirty! Speaking of dirty I'm finding myself attracted to that ranger named Strider/Aragorn...whatever....why can't people stick to one name?

Day, Does it matter?: Forest

Today was my first hiking trip and I miss my horse! My soft feet are killing me! I spent all week giving myself the perfect pedicure and now calluses are forming! Oh what did I do to deserve this?! Noticed Boromir watching the hobbit called Frodo very closely. I think he's becoming obsessed.....

Day, Do you think I care or something?: Forest

I wanted to stop to take a bath in the stream but the others wouldn't allow it! "No, Legolas, we don't have time to stop! We must push on! Time is of the essence!" Time is of the essence my shiny, hairless ass! We have all the time in the world! Why, just this morning we stopped for two hours because Frodo hurt his ankle! Everyone got out their blankets, wrapped him up like some precious child, and offered to get him anything he wanted! Oh, I see how it is! Just because he's the Ringbearer he gets all the special treatment while the delicate elf gets left in the dark! Figures! Heard some odd grunts and moans coming from the hobbit pile by the fire on my watch.....poor things must be having nightmares....Noticed Aragorn watching the pile.....appeared aroused.....that's odd.....

Day, I'm immortal....it doesn't matter!: On a stupid mountain

I hate this stupid mountain! It's freezing and I'm getting snow all over my silky face! I spent all last night putting moisturizer cream on my flesh and now it's chapping up! Ugh, the things I go through for this Fellowship! Gandalf is in a grumpy mood....doesn't seem to know where he's going. That's what we get for leaving an old coot in charge. Pippin wouldn't stop complaining....does he seem annoying to anyone else? To shut him up I shoved snow down his pants...that got his attention! Found out that hobbits don't wear underwear....Hmm, I hope he doesn't get frostbite down there. I might feel a bit bad if he had to have an amputation.....Ha ha ha! He tried to come after me but he can't walk above the snow like I can! Oh how I love being an elf! He got lost under the snow and it took us an hour to burrow him out. The hobbit actually looks good with blue skin.....Spent a few more hours on the path when an avalanche fell on us. Now we're heading to the Mines of Moria. Ew, I can't believe I'm going to a dank, musty dwarf city! I better salvage my soap....I think I'm going to need it. I bet they don't even have a proper sewage system down there. I'll have to hold it in......

Day, Can't remember the date: Outside Moria

Took Gandalf several hours before he realized the password was friend, well, he learned that from Frodo. Shot a slimy, disgusting tentacle thingie with my trusty bow. The arrow went right through the creature's eye. Am I a good shot or what? My hair and clothing got wet. Ugh, I am such a mess now! How annoying! Now my beautiful, silky hair will frizz up! I hate this journey!

Day, Who cares?: Moria

Spotted Sam groping Frodo in the dark....and then Merry and Pippin were doing the same thing....Hobbits are such odd creatures....I never knew they were so emotionally attached to one another or so, shall we say, touchy feely. Smacked Boromir's hand when he groped Frodo's chest....he must have been after the Ring or at least I hope so......Killed some orcs with my wonderful bow and helped destroy a cave troll. Tried to push Gimili off the bridge but he was too heavy to nudge. Damn it. I was quite pleased when Gandalf fell off the bridge...now I won't have to put up with his filthy stink! Oh, wait, I still have to be around the dwarf! Ugh! By the way, that Gimili has been looking at me funny.....I wonder if he's gay....

Day.....: Lothlorien

Finally, I got to take a bath! There were so many places to choose from but I chose the forbidden stream. Hmm, nothing like having pure, forbidden water cascade all over your body. Of course I got a few looks from some of the elven population but that's normal. Who wouldn't want to look at me? Even I can't keep my eyes off myself. I know they want me....everyone wants me. Oh, I better get a move on! Galadriel is storming over to bitch at me no doubt. Oops, I think I just killed off the fish with my shampoo and conditioner.

Day......: Lothlorien

Ugh, nothing to do in this damn place! Watched Boromir train Merry and Pippin in sword fighting. He seems to have become quite attached to those two....too attached I think. Ew, that is so disgusting! They don't have to roll all over each other in public like that! Ugh, get a room! Looked at myself in a mirror for several hours singing: "I'm too sexy for my bow, too sexy for my bow! Too sexy! I'm too sexy for the Fellowship, too sexy for the Fellowship! Too sexy!" Wait, why am I writing that? Oh well, I am though....who can deny it?

Day......: Lothlorien

Not a good day. Galadriel scolded me for defiling the forbidden stream, hit me for using her mirror as a mouthwash, and nearly killed me for fooling around with her handmaidens. Hey, they're the ones that came onto me! She kept going on how it was so improper for an elf to have such behavior. Yeah, she's one to talk. I know about the underground activities she partakes with her handmaidens and her husband. Orgy city! Got a bow and some arrows for a present.....typical....everyone always gets me a gift....I've gotten better though. Had to smack Boromir's hand again. That man just won't leave that poor hobbit alone.

Day, I hate this journey!: Floating aimlessly down a river

Have I mentioned that hate this damn journey!! The damn dwarf nearly sunk our canoe with his titanic butt weight! Oh, and he can't row for crap! Saw Boromir staring at Frodo again. In the distance I could see an approaching tree branch. Tried to get his attention by splashing him with water but it didn't work. Told him to duck but he didn't listen.....Boromir knocked unconscious. Well, at least he won't be after the Ring for awhile.

Day......: Still floating on the river

Something attacked us at night....I shot it with my new bow. Got the ugly creature right where it counts. Ha ha ha! Go me! Have I mentioned how good I am? Boromir watching Frodo again, Sam watching Frodo, Merry and Pippin watching Sam, Aragorn watching just about everyone, and Gimili watching me....God help us! What is becoming of the Fellowship?! God I hope this doesn't turn into Deliverance! It won't, right? Right?

Day, It's been such a long morning: Amon Hen

Attached by orcs.....Fellowship split up....Boromir killed....still stuck with the annoying dwarf. Now I'm off to help save Merry and Pippin. I hope those two don't piss off the orcs too much. They can be quite the handful.....Ow! Ugh, I've got another hangnail! Why do such terrible things always happen to me?!

Next: Boromir's diary.