Warnings: Language.
Aragorn's Diary
Day 1: Woods
Wandered around.....got into a fight with a squirrel....damn thing was trying to steal my acorns....got bit by the squirrel.....hope I don't get rabies.....white stuff is foaming from my mouth....
Day 2: Woods
Wandered around......got into a fight with skunk.....won the battle, lost the war.....off to search for some tomatoes.....
Day 3: Woods
Wandered around.....got attacked by some birds....what did I do to deserve this life?
Day 4: Woods
Wandered around......haven't taken a bath in a month. Ah well. At least it's starting to keep most of the wildlife away. I can finally sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery while quietly reflecting to myself......God I need some entertainment! Where's that Arwen chick when you need her?!
Day 5: Bree/Prancing Pony
Sat in the inn, The Prancing Pony, for several hours waiting for those damn hobbits. God, how long is it going to take for those midgets to get here?! Sheesh, it's not like they have a long way to walk! Oops, here they come now.....Well, I think I'll just sit here quietly and stare at them for a bit......not letting them know whose side I might be on. Hmm, I wonder why they look so frightened of me? It's not like I look tall, dark, and scary! Hey, what the hell does that hobbit think he's doing?! One of them is dancing on a table like he dropped a match down his pants......not that I have done that before....Ok, ok, so I feel asleep smoking a cigarette once....nothing bad happened....just lost all my facial hair for a year....now I'm getting off topic....Hell! That dumbass just fell off and slipped the Ring on! Morons! This entire world is filled with morons! I'm gonna beat that hobbit's little ass once I find him! Oh, there he is now! Ow! That hobbit can kick! Dragging him up the stairs won't be as easy as I anticipated. Well, once I got him to the room I explained who I was and the current situation but I don't think he was paying attention. He kept looking at me funny.....strange glint in his eyes.....Then, the other three hobbits came bursting into the room. The one called Sam was really riled up! He tried to take a bite out of my shins! Spent the night with them.....Merry, Sam, and Pippin shared the bed while Frodo slept on the floor....smart hobbit....Heard some Ringwraiths.....saw some movement in the bed.....Honestly, what is up with these hobbits?!
Day 6: Forest
Wandered with the hobbits.....got mauled by a gopher while the hobbits pointed and laughed....damn hobbits! I'm risking my life for those losers and they can't help pull psychotic rodent off me?! White stuff is foaming from my mouth again.......
Day 7: Forest
Wandered around with the hobbits.....Pippin kept complaining that he wanted to stop to eat.....tried to stuff his face in a yellow jacket nest but Sam stopped me. I don't understand why he did that. It would have gotten rid of Pippin's appetite but, depending if he has allergies, it might have taken his life. Now that I think on it.....would it really matter if Pippin was killed. He's not important....
Day 10: Weathertop
Wandered off leaving the hobbits alone.....Made it appear as if I was searching the area to make sure it was safe....Actually, I just wanted to get the hell away from those maniacs! They're driving me nuts! "Aragorn, we have to stop my feet are killing me! "Aragorn, I'm hungry!" "Aragorn, I need more then an apple to keep me going!" "Aragorn, we have to stop I'm feeling horny!" I'd rather spend a week with Arwen then put up with another night with them! Came back after an hour and guess what I found: the hobbits being attacked by the Ringwraiths! Curse those damn halflings! Can't they stay out of trouble?!
Day 11: Forest
Carried Frodo around for several hours......kept whining about how his shoulder hurt.....very tempted to tell him to shut up.....but I didn't. After all, I guess it's a grievous injury. Ran off to find some Kingsfoil.....almost had my throat slit by Arwen. That elf really doesn't know how to handle a sword! Got into an argument over who was going to take Frodo. Arwen agreed to take him....ha ha ha! What a dumb chick! That annoying hobbit is now in her hands, not mine! Oh, wait, I still have to put up with the other three! By the way, what are the three of them doing in that corner? Oh man. Someone get me the hell out of here! I think I'll run after Arwen....I've changed my mind. I'd be more then happy to take Frodo.
Day 12: Forest
Damn it! Couldn't catch up with Arwen! Pippin was complaining again......finally succumbed to my rage and stuffed his head into a nearby hornet nest. It was hilarious watching him run around with the nest stuck on his head. Oh yeah, he doesn't have allergies! I think I'll do it again! Where did those other two hobbits get off to?
Day 18: Rivendell
Finally made it to the Elrond's place......can finally get away from the hobbits and be alone for a bit. Oh crap! Here comes that Arwen chick! Now I'm gonna have to put up with an hour of: "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Do you truly love me?" "Would you do absolutely anything for me?" God, now I hate that elf! I know, daddy dearest always puts on a good show on how much he hates me and doesn't want me anywhere near his daughter. Well, actually, he arranged this whole damn marriage deal! He's trying to dump her on me so he can be free of her and I have no choice but to accept. If I refuse, it could result in castration.......or so he says. Later, when eluding Arwen, found Boromir messing around with my broken sword....he dropped it on the floor. Very tempted to ram the damn thing up his ass.....teach him to mess with my stuff. Arwen found me.....damn it! Had to kiss her.....resisted the urge to retch....
Day 19: Rivendell
Called to a council....agreed to go on a mission to destroy the Ring....Great, more time out in the wonderful wilderness......I hate my life.....
Day 20: Forest
Wandered around the woods with the Fellowship....didn't get attacked by anything.....I think Gandalf's smelly robes are keeping most the wildlife away. Yet, it may attract orcs......
Day 21: Forest
Ok, I'm going to cry! I took off my shoes this morning and discovered that I had foot fungus! Why do all the bad things happen to me?! Why can't it happen to one of the hobbits?! Smacked Boromir upside the head when I noticed him crawling near Frodo with a dagger in his mouth. Something is up with that man.....Am I the only one that has noticed him talking to himself? Where the hell do we find these people?! Have I mentioned that I hate my life?!
Day 23: Forest
I think Boromir is trying to kill me......he tried to push me off when we crossing near a ravine...Then, when I went to sleep in my bedroll I noticed something moving and when it stopped I pulled it out. It was a dead rattlesnake.......thank goodness for my foot ordor! Saw Boromir talking to himself again....didn't appear very happy.....his right eye has developed a twitch.....
Day 26: A mountain
Saved Frodo from rolling down the slope....forced Boromir to give him the Ring back.....got snowed in....going back down to Moria.....
Day 30: Outside Moria
Saved Frodo from a monster in the water. Had to shove Boromir out of the way.....Yeah! Go me! Am I great or what? Uh oh....Boromir is starting to look weird but, then again, everyone is starting to look weird....
Day 31: Moria
It was such a boring day.....killed some orcs and a cave troll, got chased by a Balrog which pulled Gandalf into the abyss. Hey, that makes me leader now! It's about damn time!
Day 33: Lothlorien
Sat around.....watched Boromir kill some song birds....laughed when he got shot in ass....I love this place!
Day 34: Lothlorien
Got some gifts.....Oh, I received more then the others! Go me! Well, it is understandable.....Galadriel must have fallen for my charm and rugged good looks.
Day 35: River
Rowed around in a canoe......laughed when Boromir was knocked unconscious by a tree limb. That man must have a brain the size of a pea.....Docked several hours later....noticed the hobbit pile moving by the fire......felt very disgusted.....I need to get away....
Day 37: Amon Hen
Well, the Fellowship has been broken.....Ran into Frodo and we chatted for a few minutes before he decided to bail on me when the orcs came. Damn cowardly hobbit! Ah well. I killed a lot of orcs.....very pleased with myself......Found Boromir dying by a tree. Very tempted to laugh at him but decided it would be disrespectful. I laughed after he died. Off to save Merry and Pippin now....I wish we could just leave them to the mercy of the orcs. I don't see why we have to be in such a rush. Those two can take care of themselves, I think. I mean, they weren't captured by that many orcs and I'm very positive they won't hurt them.....I think.....
Next: Pippin's diary.