Warnings: Language and implied themes.
Pippin's Diary.
Day 1: Hobbiton
Raided Gandalf's fireworks with Merry.....set a big one off.....got beat with Gandalf's staff.....ow. That's going to leave a mark......
Day 2: Hobbiton
Wandered around with Merry for several hours. Argh, there's nothing to do in the Shire today. To relieve the boredom Merry and I threw rocks at a bee hive. That resulted in a very good use of our legs.
Day 3: Hobbiton
Merry and I visited Frodo today. Well, he really didn't know about it. When he fell asleep in his chair we tried to get in but he had locked the door! Of all the nerve! How could he not trust us? For an hour we attempted to jimmy the lock open.....then we realized one of the windows was open. Once we got in we raided his pipe weed stash. Um, things got a little hazy from there. In fact, my mind is still a bit cloudy.....but getting back to the subject at hand.. I remember drawing squiggly marks all over Frodo's face with Merry, using coal, when Sam came bursting into the room. Oh man. I will never forget the look on his face when he saw Merry and I drawing on Frodo. You know, he came at us with hedge clippers! I've never been more frightened in my life! Well, except that time Gandalf caught me parading around with his dentures in my mouth.....Anywho, Merry and I ended up running around the hobbit hole while Sam pretty much demolished it. Finally, the two of us leapt out of a window and ran away screaming like girls. Not a very high moment for my life....Ok, bad choice of words.....So I was a bit high.....The hobbit lasses seemed to enjoy it.....until I started mooning them.....Those girls can pelt rocks pretty good. I'll be spending an hour soaking my ass......Oh, did I mention that Frodo caught up with me later? Apparently Sam had scrubbed his face for hours but the coal markings weren't coming off his skin. I actually felt kind of bad for doing it when I saw how red his face was......then I realized that was from anger. I won't be walking for a few days......
Day 5: Crickhollow
Gained moderate use of my legs again....I've been noticing Sam walking by my window more often ever since that incident. He actually stopped and pointed his clippers at me. I think something is wrong with him......I think he's hanging around Frodo too much....He should spend more time with Merry and me. Speaking of Merry, he's supposed to stop by to give me a foot massage.
Day 22: Crickhollow
Frodo and Sam stopped by tonight. Apparently, we're all gonna go on this dangerous mission......sounds kind of fun. Merry and I tried to convince Frodo for a group bath but he wouldn't buy it. Damn it! Oh well, we got his towel at least. He had the cutest expression on his face.....you know.....the: "I'm going to tear you to a million shreds while you sleep and then feed your pieces to the crows" look. When he had scampered off to his room we found that he had locked the door! What is up with him? Why doesn't he trust us? We would never do anything to hurt him......I don't think. The two of us attempted to break in later that night but Sam was sleeping at his door. When we came close his head snapped up and he snarled at us! Hmm, I think he's just a tad bit obsessed with our cousin......
Day 23: Old Forest/Tom's House
As usual it was another dull day. For several hours we walked through the forest and then stopped for a break. I guess I fell asleep without knowing it and when I woke back up I was in a tree! Let me just say that I have never felt more violated in my life! That tree was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and other skanky crap! It kept saying how it wanted to make me it's new 'sapling'! Thank God that psychotic Tom guy came along and got us out of there! I was about ready to retch! Tom introduced us to his wife, whom I might say is quite hot, and ate a meal she had prepared. Let me say, if she wasn't already married I would snatch her up like that! That woman can cook! Frodo and Sam didn't seem to like it though....but those two are just weird. The three of us had a hard time sleeping since Sam was upchucking most of the night. Oh well. At least Merry and I got to share a bed with Frodo.....he's quite cuddly....and warm.....
Day 24: Old Forest/ Tom's House
Oh, it was such a beautiful day! I wanted to begin our journey again but Tom and Frodo forbade it! Come on. It's only a little rain and lightening. Sheesh, it's not like the lightening is going to hit us! Goldberry made the most delightful omelet. It was a little runny but that just added to the flavor and the after taste. Spent another night with Frodo.....Sam was still upchucking which, for our sake, was a good thing. We just started out massaging Frodo's shoulder but we got a bit carried away....I don't think Sam noticed....
Day 25: Old Forest/Barrow Downs
Got attacked by some creatures......nothing else happened.......
Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony
Wandered around.....drank too much.....blurted out some things about Frodo I shouldn't have.....met a strange ranger named Strider.....slept in a big, comfy bed with Sam......he didn't seem to like that too much...Heard some shrill screaming coming from the hobbit rooms. Hmm, I wonder who is getting shagged......
Day 35: Weathertop
Nothing important happened except that Frodo was stabbed by a black rider. Merry and I tried to console Sam but he just shoved us away. Typical, that hobbit really doesn't know how to show his emotions.
Day 36: Forest
Well, this certainly was not my day! I was talking, minding my own business, when that no good Strider stuffed my face in a bee hive! What the hell is that guy's problem?! Now my face is going to swell up! To make matters even worse Sam was laughing the whole time! Very tempted to punch him in the face but all he would have to do is sit on me and the fight would be over.
Day 40: Rivendell
Merry and I snuck into a secret council and volunteered to help Frodo destroy the Ring. I should survive ok. I mean, after all, this is me we're talking about.
Day 46: Mountain
Another sucky day for me! Got hit in the head again by Gandalf's staff. All I did was sneak under his robe to shelter myself from the wind! Sheesh, that wizard has a personal space issue! Oh and Legolas stuffed some snow down my pants......Well, I wonder how dear Legolas will fear when I stuff a rabid rat down his trousers! It's a good thing we're going down to that mine!
Day 53: Somewhere
Whoa, I actually lost track of time for the past several day. Frodo was attacked by a watcher, then we were attacked by orcs and a cave troll, and then Gandalf was pulled down to his death. Oh crap! I still have his dentures in my pocket! Ew, now I'm kind a creeped out......
Day 58: Lothlorien
Another boring day.....my life sucks......got a crappy belt as a gift.....
Day 60: Amon Hen
Merry and I wandered off like idiots and got cornered by some orcs. Thank goodness Boromir came along to rescue us........but then he got killed. Damn ninny! What type of warrior is he when he can't handle an onslaught of several hordes of orcs?! Ew, these orcs smell......and I don't like where their hands are snooping.....
Next: Merry or Gimili.....