Warnings: Language and minor gore.

Gimili's Diary

Day 1: Rivendell

"Mission of the Day: Annoy an elf." Arrived at Rivendell for some council held by Elrond. I can't believe I'm a damn elf city! The entire place smells like potpourri! I'm chocking to death on that God-awful stench! Went to a council, which was a complete waste of my precious time! Well, like a dumbass I agreed to join the Fellowship but it wasn't my fault. That jackass Elrond held the council right after happy hour! I'd agree to do almost anything when so wasted. Anywho, I got into a little tiff with an elf named Legolas. I accidentally spat in his face and he threw a hissy fit. I saw him later taking a bath....what a sissy! It was only spit! "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 2: Forest

"Mission of the Day: Clip elongated toenails." Traveled around in the woods....going in circles. I think that crackpot wizard doesn't know where he's going. Of course, it must be hard to remember when his brain is probably full of holes. I think something is up with that Boromir guy. He has been muttering to himself and keeping a long vigilance over Frodo. Aw, he must be in love....How.....utterly......disgusting. We didn't get much of a break today...had to keep pushing on thanks to Gandalf. I think his stench is attracting wildlife but it is Aragorn who suffers. Poor guy got humped by a bear today......Oh well. I suppose it's better then being with that Arwen thing.... "Mission of the Day: Failed."

Day 3: Forest

"Mission of the Day: Make the elf scream." Another long day in the woods and, once again, nothing much happened. Pippin is starting to annoy the hell out of everyone, Gandalf appears confused, Aragorn is trying to keep the bugs away, Frodo is trying to fend Merry and Sam off, and Legolas is trying to take another bath. Sheesh, how baths does this elf need? One every three months is ample enough as far as I'm concerned. I know.....I'll replace his shampoo with dung....I wonder how the dear elf will react to that? "Mission of the Day: Accomplished, and then some."

Day 7: On a deathtrap mountain

"Mission of the Day: Keep self from beating the crap out of Pippin." Great, just great! That ass of a wizard is leading us to our deaths! Who in their right mind would lead a group of people up a dangerous mountain path?! Well, at least one funny happened today......Legolas shoved snow down Pippin's pants! Ha! Finally, that good for nothing elf did something right! Then the little twerp started to fiddle with my beard! The nerve of that hobbit! He was actually trying to climb in it! Shoved him down the slope.....hit a few jagged rocks....got knocked around by a mountain goat....I'm quite disappointed with myself. Pippin only suffered a major head injury that kept him unconscious for an hour. Damn hobbit was bouncing around once again. Noticed Legolas walking ahead of me.....I must ask him how he can get such shapely thighs. "Mission of the Day: Failed."

Day 10: Outside Moria

"Mission of the Day: Be as lazy as possible." Oh, I got a cramp in my ass from sitting for several hours. That dementia-riddled wizard couldn't figure out the password! When he finally figured it out we were attacked by a monster....watched as Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and the hobbits did most of the work. Noticed how swift Legolas was with his bow.....Ew, not the kind of thoughts I want in my head! Discovered most of kin folk dead...very sad....cried for five minutes..... "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 14: Moria

"Mission of the Day: Kill something, kill anything." Wandered around the mine...found Balin's tomb...felt very sad.....cried for one minute. It was then that we were attacked by orcs and a cave troll. I'm so very proud of myself! With my expert skill I made the cave troll kill his own kind when he was swinging at me! Ha! What a dumbass! When we were running across the bridge I slipped on a rock and nearly fell to my death but Legolas nudged me. I can't believe it...he saved my life....I suddenly feel very attracted to him....Ew..... Gandalf was killed by the Balrog. Felt very happy and smiled for five mintues. "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 18: Lothlorien

"Mission of the Day: Try to stay out of trouble and clip elongated toenails." Grr. Another day in an elf city. I followed Boromir and watched him kill some birds in the sanctuary. I couldn't help but laugh when he got shot. Hmm, those dead birds made one fine meal....Unfortunately, it didn't go over well with the elves. Apparently, they could have brought them back....Well, not after where they just went! Spent the rest of the night clipping my nails. Damn, I've really got to clip these more often. They're so hard....and yellow......I couldn't clip them all off.... "Mission of the Day: Failed and failed."

Day 19: Lothlorien

"Mission of the Day: Piss off an elf." Today was our last day in this place......thank God! Galadriel actually asked me what I wanted for a gift. I can't believe she didn't get me anything! Grr! So, I asked for a lock of hair and she didn't appear too amused about it. Nonetheless, she gave it to me. As I was rowing off in the canoe something hit me in the back of my head. I think that elf queen threw a rock at me! Talk about a bad temper. "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Day 20: River

"Mission of the Day: Attempt to be polite." Rowed for hours down a river. Very boring....Watched Boromir get knocked unconscious by a tree limb. I laughed so hard I nearly toppled the boat over. Hmm, I think he heard me laughing before he conked out....oh well. Once we docked I dunked Pippin in the water. It was such a hoot watching him scream like a little girl. Then, Merry had the nerve to take me on! Who does that hobbit think he is? I would have given him a wedgie but he doesn't wear underwear.....so I just strung him up on a tree limb and poked him with my axe. Frodo and Sam seemed quite pleased with Merry's bondage...even Pippin seemed quite interested....."Mission of the Day: Failed."

Day 22: Amon Hen

"Mission of the Day: Show compassion for all living beings." Attacked by several dozen orcs. I laid waste to most with my axe. I chopped off their arms, legs, heads, and other stuff.....I even gutted one and used its intestines to strangle another orc! Am I creative or what? Noticed Legolas....so swift....so graceful....such a Nancy boy! He squealed every time a drop of blood spurted in his direction! Oh, I gauged one orc's eyes out! What a cool sight! Later found Aragorn with a dying Boromir. Felt sad for thirty seconds.....Off to save Merry and Pippin. "Mission of the Day: Accomplished."

Next: Merry. After that....it could be anyone....